SUNSETS AND SUNRISES
by varon, age 17
varon_

Spoilers for the 41st episode.

WHY?

That was the big question.

A three-letter word said it all. As general and as vague as it sounded, it was strangely appropriate to describe her mental and emotional state. Too much to say... and just not enough words to convey them.

Soi sullenly slammed the door behind her as she stepped into her room, somewhat glad for the emptiness in this part of the palace. Not that people ordinarily cared, but she particularly wanted to be left alone right now.

Sloppily she undressed, taking off her armor which was unbelievably heavy that day, and leaving only her undershirt. With a careless flick of the wrist she tossed the metal protective coverings over her shoulder, the armor dropping with a loud clang on the floor.

As if in a trance, she sauntered over and perched on the edge of her bed, facing the open window, folding her hands on her lap. Absently she noted that the pale-pink orange hues of the sky were slowly giving was to the dim grayness of the evening. The clouds were tossed around by a strong wind, turning her attention to them – and she had but controlled the urge to summon lightning out of them to strike down at Yui Hongo.

Seiryuu no Miko. Without meaning to, Soi clenched her fists as she recalled the conversation she overheard earlier between the Seiyuu priestess and Nakago-sama.

"What's the matter, Lady Yui?" Nakago had asked.

"I'm scared," the Seiryuu priestess confessed. "It's as though some unseen force keeps moving around some unknown place --" she had hesitated, faltered, then went on, "-- and I seem to be losing everything, one by one."

"Lady Yui," Nakago had coaxed the young girl, "you'll always have me around." Soi imagined that he had gently looked into her eyes and gave a practiced, tender smile that would fool anyone.

"There's absolutely nothing you should be afraid of," Nakago continued.

"Really?" Yui asked.

"Of course..." Nakago replied, "Because, I love you..".

Soi raised her legs and hugged her knees to her chest. Tears were dangerously close to pricking her eyelids. He couldn't have meant that, she tried to convince herself. Not after what we've been through... no, he couldn't have meant that.

Or could he?

He's just saying that to Yui-sama to get her to stay. A flock of birds crossed her vision as they flew by her window. She tried smiling slightly. She is, after all, the one who would bring salvation into Kutou's empire – she's a valuable asset, and we can't lose her.

Raising a hand to her hair, she loosened the ribbon that held her hair up in a hoop-bun. She shook her long red-violet hair free, flipping it over her shoulder and ran the other hand through her silky locks. She frowned, thinking about Nakago's motive. His tone echoed ultimate sincerity, down to the little smile she imagined him wearing. She knew how Nakago can use his powers of suggestion to get what he wanted. Even his eyes wouldn't betray his true feelings, and because she was out of Yui and Nakago's line of vision, Soi couldn't have known the emotions that tinged those hypnotic blue eyes.

Those same ice-blues eyes that melted into her consciousness, making her eager and willing to succumb to his impulses, are professing to another girl what she had been dreaming he would say to her.

I love you.

Soi shook her head – a quick head movement to the left, center, right, then back to center – as if to refuse the jealous ideas about to enter her mind. I shouldn't be jealous of Yui-sama, Soi told herself. The tears threatening to spill a while ago were now bravely held back. In the eyes of the others, I have no right, after all.

But maybe not only in others' eyes -- maybe she plainly didn't have right, period. Even Miboshi had enough sense to know that -- why couldn't she? "With the Maiden of Seiryuu as competition," the monk had asked, "you aren't even a rival in love, right, Soi?"

His words stung her deeply, piercing her sentience and leading her into a realization she had never wanted to admit to herself before. She hung her head, looking down at her lap. Against her will she found two droplets staining her blouse. Hell, in this relationship – could one even call it that? Is it something we eve have? – even I feel that I really have no right at all.

More droplets followed, and she impatiently wiped the tears off her cheeks. Nakago-sama will he -- will he ever love me? Soi knew she was wallowing in self-pity, something she had long ago detested because it was a sign of weakness. But here were pent-up feelings that just keep pouring out of her heart and into her mind.

A toy. That's what I am for him. A tiny part of her argued that this wasn't true, but her doubts and insecurities clouded her logical reasoning. Someone to raise his chi; at the most, I am an outlet he used to temporarily gratify himself. A willing, available outlet.

More tears flowed, as if a huge floodgate had been opened and it couldn't be blocked, let alone shut. Yes, it's true -- how can it not be? He has never told me how he truly felt about me, about us, but I was too blind and too deep in gratitude to care, to even want to think about caring. Maybe I really was disillusioned, and terribly misled.

Soi almost laughed out bitterly. I, of all people, should know that sleeping together doesn't necessarily mean that those two people love each other. I've been there long enough. I guess I haven't been attached long enough to any one customer to consider that feelings are involved.

Soi pushed back the bangs from her eyes. The problem with him is that you never know what's going on inside his head, she thought. You can never really tell what his ulterior plan is, or what implications he puts beneath those words... he's too far intelligent and complicated for anyone to ever figure out.

The door to her room suddenly slid open, and she almost jumped up in surprise. The tread she familiarized herself with identified her visitor. Soi stood up, not quite hurriedly as her surprised state would have allowed, and turned toward the man she loved. "Nakago-sama," she acknowledged respectfully, bowing down to her waist, and rose again. She pointedly avoided his stare, which seemed to burn holes right through her being. Like they always had.

Nakago continued to gaze at her in silence for moments afterward, reading her aura and analyzing her expression. Soi shifted uncomfortably, opting to look away, while Nakago unwaveringly took a step closer to her. "You didn't come down for dinner," he began, in that smooth, collected tone of his.

"Dinner?" Soi's stare turned toward the window, and she found the moon set high up in the center of the velvety sky. I've been contemplating for nearly three hours, and I didn't notice? Soi couldn't believe she had spent so much time thinking things over, but she wasn't to let Nakago know. Instead, she answered the Kutou shogun quietly. "I wasn't really hungry."

His intense blue eyes did not leave her face, Soi could feel it. He was calculating her response, weighing the implications, so he could cunningly disclose the next statement with his certain desired effect. When he was close enough to the woman he reached out, and tilted her chin up to him. "You're avoiding my eyes," he observed casually, not hinting whether he was angry or amused.

To prove him wrong, Soi impulsively raised her gaze up to meet his.

Which, of course, was a big mistake.

Nakago instantly recognized the hurt manifest in her dark orbs. He nodded, as if to affirm something to himself. "You heard about my conversation with Yui-sama," Nakago concluded with finality.

Soi could only be amazed at his cleverness.

As well as at his manner of provoking her.

His lips curling up into a smirk, Nakago asked, "What's the matter? Jealous?"

Soi flinched inwardly, and unconsciously pulled free from his touch. She turned her back on him, and leaned on the window ledge with her elbows. Even with her back to him Soi could just feel that Nakago's irritatingly malicious sneer did not leave his features.

"I don't know if I should believe that," Soi simply said moments later.

"Do you think there is a reason for you to?" Nakago replied reticently. Soi heard a faint rustling of cloth as he spoke, and she presumed that Nakago had taken off the first layer of his clothing.

"I--" Soi faltered as she attempted to elaborate, to voice out her musings earlier; but she thought she owed it to herself to make everything between her and Nakago clear. "I don't know what to believe anymore."

A beat or two later Nakago gave out a low chuckle. Before she knew what to make of that, Nakago's strong arms were snaked around her slight waist, and his breath, warm and delicious, was on her ear. "What -- are you doubting me?" he asked mockingly. Soi shivered as his lips grazed her earlobe when he spoke again. "Are you trying to resist me?"

Soi drew in a sharp breath as his hand pressed on her femininity. She wanted to conceal her moan as Nakago teased the her nape with his nose. She closed her eyes and let out a soft whimper as the palm of his hand applied firmer pressure on her womanhood. Why does he have this effect on me? She was powerless to fight it -- to fight him. Drawing her hair to one side so he could nuzzle her neck, Nakago smoothly said, "Don't fight it, Soi. Because you can't."

Slowly she felt herself being drawn away from the window, as Nakago's fingers fiddled with the front of her shirt. Soi felt hypnotized, but the sensation was so delicious that she chose to follow Nakago's advice. Her back fell on something soft, and she opened her eyes as she bounced a little on impact. Nakago, her superior, was literally above her, staring at her dark eyes, luring her into his seductive trap.

Soi's undershirt was soon forgotten on the floor, mixed with Nakago's garments. Under his commanding, heated body she pulsated, coming in perfect rhythm to his beat, as he continued to explore her body, rocking her core, exciting her.

While she knew why he was doing this, Soi obeyed Nakago; he was right -- she found it very difficult to defy him. He needed her to increase his ki; she plainly needed him. That was the biggest, most obvious difference, but as of this moment, Soi didn't care.

She wondered, though, for how long she wouldn't want to care.

* * *

She lay on her side, breathing somewhat irregularly, sweat trickling down her neck. Her back to Nakago, Soi silently looked out the window, appraising her view. The drabness of the night sky was bit by bit replaced with warm cheerful colors of the morning. The start of another day.

She used to think witnessing sunrises meant that there was something to look forward to. Now she could only ask what that something could be -- or why did it go into hiding, and when would it reveal itself to her?

Soi felt the man beside her rise, and get dressed in silence. Shortly she heard his steps make their way toward her door, and she absently anticipated the sound of the door closing.

Yet none immediately came. Soi wondered what Nakago was waiting for.

"It's up to you, Soi. Believe what you want."

Then he left.

Soi didn't know whether to feel glad that he had given her a glimmer of hope, or frustrated with the situation he subjected her into. She just felt so hurt, so lost -- loving someone like Nakago without any clear indication of him reciprocating her feelings. She felt desperate to keep him... to fight for his heart, futile as it appears to be,

Her blanket still wrapped around her, Soi sat up, and looked out the window.

A new morning had dawned, and she had nothing to look forward to at all, but to have her heart broken -- again.

How much longer? Soi thought. How much longer will I go on feeling sorry for myself? For how long will I keep on loving him one-sidedly?

Another flock of white birds crossed her line of vision. Soi then thought that the same day promises her whole being to be mended with his single touch...

...Along with the realization that she would probably never tire of loving him. She would continue to give herself to him for as long as he wanted to.

As to the why --

Soi knew it was a fruitless task to dissect the countless reasons why.

Thanks to the Fushigi Yuugi Transcripts! *whew!* Finally I was able to finish this fic! ^-^

Archive? Let me know first.

~varon