Author’s Note: Although I don’t normally write songfics, I decided to give it a shot for the Setsubun LoveLove Challenge. Details about the challenge are available on my profile page, so if you're interested, I urge you to check it out. This story is set around the time when Lisa (the former fukutaichou of the eighth division) disappeared. It doesn’t contain any spoilers but it shows what I think Nanao must have went through during that time and suggests how the relationship between Shunsui and Nanao might have began.

Chapter Notes: Hopefully, I’ve explained Setsubun fairly well during the story but there is one line of Japanese (a requirement for the challenge) that I thought might need translated. “Oni wa soto! Fuku wauchi” simply means “Demons out, good luck in.” Also, the song used during the story was Tourniquet by Evanescence.f

Summary: It hadn’t been a very good year for Nanao. Fortunately, someone was there to help her through.

Reflections of a Dismal Past

I tried to kill my pain
But only brought more
So much more…

Nanao was fifteen when Lisa-fukutaichou left. Lisa had been everything to Nanao: mentor, savior, confidante, friend, sister and mother. Lisa was the one who found Nanao on the streets of the twenty-seconded Rukon District. Nanao had been starving at the time; her stomach desiring food in order to replace the energy lost by her unknown reaitsu powers. Lisa saved her and took her in. She taught her how to read; even got Nanao started at the Academy despite protests that Nanao was too young and too incapable. Lisa was everything to Nanao. Then she disappeared.

And Nanao was left alone.

At first, Nanao told herself that she didn’t care. No one had ever stuck around before so why should Lisa be any different. It was silly to miss her. It was childish, unfitting for a future Soul Reaper. And in the passing weeks as the chill of fall grew colder and transformed into winter, she had almost convinced herself to believe it. Then she heard some of her classmates talking. Rumors were going around that Lisa-fukutaichou might still be alive. Rumors that said she had faked her own death to get out of being a Soul Reaper. Other rumors said that she had been thrown out of the Soul Society due to some breach of impropriety. The male classmates laughed and debated just what such impropriety would entail. It was the first and only time that fifteen-year-old Nanao ever got into a fight in the Academy.

I lay dying
and I’m pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I’m dying; praying, bleeding and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?

When Nanao woke up, she found herself in the Fourth Division’s hospital. Her left arm was wrapped in bandages and her head was pounding. To her surprise, she wasn’t alone. There was a man sitting in the chair next to her bed. He was large and broad shoulders. Nanao guessed that when standing he must easily pass six feet. His face looked tired with a shaggy, unkempt beard and dark circles under his eyes. It was his eyes that drew her attention. They seemed so old as if he had seen some so many horrible things that the memory of them was forever trapped behind his eyelids, haunting him. She knew this man, had seen him many times in her walks with… Nanao quickly closed off that memory. There was no point to dwell on the past.

“Kyoraku-taichou,” she said respectfully.

“So little Nanao-chan finally woke awake, huh?”

“Yes sir,” she replied, deciding to answer his rhetorical question.

“I hear you got into a fight. Care to tell me what it was about?”

She hesitated. “Nothing important,” she said finally.

“I see. Perhaps that was part of the problem,” he said with a sage-like nod.

“What was?”

“You lost because you weren’t fighting for anything you believed in.”

Nanao remained quiet in childlike stubbornness after that. He tried to cajole her into talking but she managed to evade all attempts. Eventually, Kyoraku-taichou gave up and went back home. Later, after the healers had gone and the lights were turned off, Nanao pulled the blankets over her head and cried for the first time in years.

My God, my tourniquet
return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
return to me salvation

A few days later, Nanao was released from Unohana-taichou’s care and she returned to the Academy. If everyone had avoided her before because of her age, she became even more isolated now. Each day she went school alone, ate in the cafeteria alone, and returned home alone. She buried herself in her books and her studies. She told herself it didn’t matter that she didn’t have any friends. People never hung around anyways. She told herself that it would be better to devote her attentions to her studies that way she would be excellent Soul Reaper, one that everyone had to acknowledge.

And so, as the winter weather grew colder so did the young Nanao-chan. She stopped trying to reach out to others and make friends and instead chose books as her only solace. When people asked for her help in figuring out a difficult spell or technique, she would only adjust her glasses with sneer and say, “true Soul Reapers wouldn’t have any problems with such a trivial task.” She had the perfect mask of indifference throughout the day. People called her emotionless, a freak, an ice queen. She told herself that it didn’t matter what they said. They were idiots anyway.

But at night when she was alone, she would curl into herself and dream that she was sitting in Lisa’s lap as they read a story together.

Do you remember me,
lost for so long?
Will you be on the other side
or will you forget me?
I’m dying, praying, bleeding and screaming:
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?

It was the middle of January when she saw Kyoraku-taichou again. Her teacher had brought in a special guest to lecture on the difference between shikai and bonkai. Information about zanpaktos was surprisingly scare in the library so Nanao’s curiosity had been peaked. She chose to sit near the front that day in order to have a good view of the proceedings. She waited with anticipation for the guest lecturer to come. And waited. And waited. A half-hour before class was over he finally showed up. He was two hours late, drunk off his ass and was none other than Kyoraku-taichou. Nanao sniffed indignantly upon seeing him. While Kyoraku-taichou made his apologies to her professor, Nanao slipped out of the room.

What could she learn from a man like him anyway?

Unfortunately, she hadn’t anticipated that he would find her a couple hours later. She had begun reading one of the few books available about zanpaktos when a large shadow fell across her reading material. She turned with a glare, ready to tell off the person when she noticed who it was.

“Kyoraku-taichou,” she said in surprise.

“Nanao-chan, it’s good to see you.”

“Yes, sir,” she responded obediently.

“Why didn’t you stay for the rest of lecture, little Nanao-chan?”

“It didn’t seem necessary, sir,” she responded, uncaring of how he might interpret that statement.

“Are you angry, Nanao-chan?”

She smiled, a special one reserved for worried teachers and concerned librarians, one designed to put their minds at ease. “Of course not, sir,” she said, “I am perfectly fine.”

And sadly, he believed her.

My God, my tourniquet
return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
return to me salvation

I want to die!

She never anticipated running into Kyoraku-taichou again much less so soon. But a few weeks later, they met again under familiar circumstances. Nanao opened her eyes slowly as if testing whether or not they still worked. The light was bright and made her head begin to pound. Her body ached and unknowingly she let out a soft moan of pain.

“Nanao-chan, are you alright?”

“What happened? Where am I?” she asked throwing a hand over her eyes to block the light from entering.

“Something went wrong. The class was attacked, but you’re safe now. You’re in the Fourth Division.”

His words triggered the memory. “Hollows,” she said.

He sighed. “Yes.”

It was coming back now. Her class was sent on a basic mission against a low-level hollow. They were only assigned to observe as a higher level class engaged the hollow. But somehow things went wrong. The perimeter was supposed to have been secure and yet other hollows had gotten past the barriers and attacked the unprepared group. She remembered being scared. Her heart pumping inside her chest as she tried to run away. She had screamed at some point. She was certain she was going to die. It was in that moment just before death that had wondered: was this what happened to Lisa?

“Nanao-chan?”

She looked at the man who had been Lisa’s captain. She looked at the man that she had encountered more times since Lisa’s death than she ever had when Lisa was alive.

“I though I was going to die,” she said, tears coming to her eyes, “I thought I was going to die.” Her image of Kyoraku-taichou blurred but for a moment she thought she saw a tear come out of his own eyes.

“You won’t die, Nanao-chan. I’m here with you now.”

That night was the first time someone held her since Lisa’s death.

My God, my tourniquet
return to me salvation
My God, my tourniquet
return to me salvation

She had a dream that night. It was strange because most of the time, Nanao didn’t dream. But this night she did.

She dreamt that she was by the Sakura tree where Lisa used to take her to read. The tree was in bloom and the sky was filled with pink cherry blossoms. It was so beautiful that Nanao wanted to remember the image of it forever.

“Nanao-chan,” a voice called.

Nanao turned.

It was Lisa, just as Nanao remembered her. She wore a sailor uniform, as she did during the times when she was off-duty. Her long black hair was tied in a single braid that reached to the small of her back. And her ever present glasses hid her gentle but mischievous eyes. “Hello, Nanao-chan,” she called from a spot on the grass.

“How are you here? I thought you were dead,” Nanao said looking at her beloved mentor and friend.

“You’re dreaming Nanao-chan. You dreamt me here.”

Nanao’s face fell. “So this isn’t real,” she said, with a frown.

Lisa laughed. “This is very real. It just isn’t reality.”

Nanao shook her head. “I don’t understand. How is that possible?”

Lisa just smiled. “That’s not important,” she said gesturing for Nanao to take a seat beside her. “What’s important is that I’m worried about you.”

“But you’re just a figment of my imagination. Something my mind conjured up.”

Lisa sighed and stood. “You always were so stubborn,” she said with a wry grin, dusting off her uniform. “I’m here because you think you need me,” she said, trying to explain once again.

“But you’re dead.”

“So we’ve covered,” she said with a laugh. “The point is Nanao-chan, you don’t need me anymore and it’s time you realize it.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Oh little Nanao-chan,” she said gently, “I might be gone but there is someone still left to look out for you.”

Nanao jutted out her chin in defiance, “I can look after myself.”

“Of course you can,” she said, beginning to walk away, “but in case you ever need him, he’ll be there. Just gotta have faith, Nanao-chan.”

“Who?” she called but Lisa had disappeared.

The next morning Nanao woke up in the fourth division alone. Any trance of Kyoraku-taichou was long gone. She wanted to pretend it didn’t matter. But for some reason, looking at the empty chair beside her bed made her chest ache.

My wounds cry for the grave.
My soul cries for deliverance.
Will I be denied?
Christ?
Tourniquet?
My Suicide.

Nanao insisted that could return home by herself that very evening. At first, Unohana protested but when she saw that the young Academy student had a stubborn glint in her eyes, she eventually gave in.

“I will allow you to return home, but only if you promise to take it easy the next couple of days.”

Nanao agreed, eager to leave the hospital room with the empty chair. It took her over an hour to make it along the streets back to her small house on the edge of town but she did it. It was nearing dusk by the time she got there and all she wanted to do was curl up in her bed. She was tired and the painkillers had worn off about halfway through the walk home. Unfortunately, by the time she had made it home she noticed that something was wrong. Her front door was ajar and the lights were on inside.

Carefully, she approached the door and peered inside. She couldn’t see anyone but she heard noises coming from the kitchen. She summoned kido into her hands as she tiptoed into the house. When she got closer to the kitchen, she took in a deep breath then charged.

“Shot of Red Fire!”

The blast blinded her at first from seeing the identity of the intruder but when the smoke cleared, she gasped.

“Kyoraku-taichou!

The said man shook his head and winced. “Ow,” he said unintelligently.

“I’m sorry Kyoraku-taichou, sir,” she said rushing forward to help him sit down. “I had no idea that it was you in my kitchen.”

“So I gathered,” he said, still trying to clear his head. His kido must have deflected hers automatically but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. More than likely he was feeling a major headache coming on.

“Sir?”

“Yes, Nanao-chan?” he asked.

“Why are you in my kitchen?”

To her surprise, he laughed. With a smile that stretched from ear to ear, he gestured to the counter. “I’m roasting soybeans,” he said as if that explained everything.

Unfortunately, it didn’t, at least not to Nanao.

“Roasting soybeans?” she asked blankly.

“For Setsubun.”

“Setsubun?”

Kyoraku gaped at her. “You’ve never participated in Setsubun before?”

She shrugged, unsure of how to respond. She had been alone before Lisa came along. And even with Lisa, they had mostly spent time reading. “What is it?” she asked finally, curiosity getting the best of her.

“That is what I’m going to show you,” he said with another grin so wide she wondered if it made his mouth hurt to smile like that. “Did you see the outside decorations?”

She shook her head no.

“Well then, first you take your medicine while I finish up here then I’ll give you the grand tour, okay Nanao-chan?”

She wondered how he knew that her injuries had been bothering her. For someone that spent much of his time either inebriated or asleep, he certainly noticed a lot. Ten minutes later, they stood outside her door will he pointed out the “decorations”.

There were fish heads and holly leaves above her doorway. She gaped on the captain. He grinned back at her. “See,” he said excitedly, “this way evil spirits can’t enter.”

“Evil spirits,” she repeated confused as he pushed her through the doorway and steered her back towards the kitchen.

“You know bad luck, disease, that sort of thing.”

“I-I see,” she said adjusting her glasses. “And the soybeans?”

He grinned, picking up a handful before depositing it in her hands. “That’s the fun part,” he said picking up a handful for himself. “Now we drive out the evil spirits already inside.”

“How?”

“By casting them out with the soybeans, of course,” he said heading back towards the doorway.

“Of course,” she echoed, following the strange man before her.

“Okay,” he said, “now on the count of three say, ‘Oni wa soto! Fuku wauchi.’ This will drive out all the bad luck and call the good luck back in.”

Nanao looked at the beans in her hands skeptically. “I see,” she said again.

“Ready?”

“This idea is ridiculous,” she said.

“Remember, on the count of three throw the beans and say the chant.”

“It is impossible that soybeans can drive out evil spirits.”

“One.”

“There is no such thing as evil spirits or good luck for that matter.”

“Two.”

“I don’t understand why we’re even doing this.”

He sighed. “You just gotta have faith that things will get better.”

‘Just gotta have faith, Nanao-chan,’ the voice from her dream echoed.

“Fine, on three,” Nanao said.

Kyoraku grinned. “One.”

“Two.”

“Three.”

“Oni wa soto! Fuku wauchi,” they called out together as they threw the beans. Kyoraku looked at her and laughed happily. “Nanao-chan is smiling; my little Nanao-chan is smiling,” he cried gleefully as began to dance around.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she said trying to get her lips from twitching.

But he didn’t listen. Instead, he continued to dance around the room making up a song as he went, “Nanao-chan smiled at me. And she looked oh so pre-tty. Look at my pretty little Nanao-chan”

Nanao tuned him out, looking at the beans scattered outside her home. “Oni wa soto,” she repeated to herself. Demons out. She thought of the past year since Lisa’s departure: the loneliness, the isolation, the pain. Demons. She heard Kyoraku-taichou calling for her and turned to look at the strange man who had entered her life. He was smiling and gesturing for her to come back inside. She ducked her head to hide a smile, lest he get started on another melody. ‘Good luck in,’ she thought closing the outside door and heading back inside towards the warmth of Kyoraku’s smile and laughter. She still didn’t believe that soybeans had the power to change her circumstances, but maybe, just maybe, the large, boisterous man before could.