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1. One Life Ends

January, 1921-Ashland, Wisconsin

Esme

Alone. The word had passed my lips hundreds of times over the past year but never before now had I truly understood the depth of its meaning.

The wind whipped snow against my face as I walked through the crushing darkness with my eyes towards the ground. Numbly, I focused on little things to distract myself and make the last act I was about to commit possible.

At least the pain would be over soon.

The thought of what I was about to do frightened me, but an intense pain that ended quickly was more bearable than the thought of enduring one more second on this earth without the infant son who had been taken from me. My stomach wrenched at the thought of John and I crumbled to the ground.

After years of heartache, I was giving up. There was nothing else for me and it seemed I had finally discovered my breaking point.

Somehow I had risen above a childhood devoid of affection where I was kept at arm's length.

My parents had crushed my dreams of moving west to become a teacher but I had swallowed that unhappiness and tried to find something else for myself.

One by one, each of my friends had fallen in love and married while I at twenty-two had no man that touched my heart. Despite the sting of disapproval that no one wanted me for their own, I had donned a brave mask and smiled at each of their weddings.

I had kept a stiff upper lip when my parents, for all intents and purposes, had arranged my marriage to a man I hardly knew. Despite my nervousness, I had tried to make the best of the situation and had even hoped that love would grow in over time. But in an insult to decency, Charles had beaten me night after night and made me feel like there wasn't the tiniest scrap of myself that could be loved. Every moment in his presence left me feeling like the lowest piece of trash. My family, the people who were supposed to protect and treasure me above all else, had proved true to form and told me to be a good little wife and remain silent.

But out of the blackest night, a miracle had occurred. John, my precious baby, had begun to grow inside me and once again my life had a purpose.

Though I had not been lucky enough to have a happy childhood or a loving family, I resolved to give him one. My baby was the inspiration I had needed all along and the catalyst for my escape. If I were not strong enough to save myself, he would be my reason to leave.

On a warm Thursday morning in June, I disappeared from Columbus, Ohio forever. Day by day since learning of the pregnancy, I had carefully saved up just enough money for train tickets. As I plotted to escape and create a new life for myself, I blocked all other emotions from my face, willing myself to be strong enough to last for a few more weeks.

All I took were the clothes on my back and one or two extra garments hidden in a pillowcase. My books and pictures from my childhood were left behind in the hope that Charles would not suspect that I had plotted to run away. Every night I prayed for Charles to think that I merely disappeared one day on my way to the market, a victim of a random abduction. I knew that if I were to publicly leave him, the humiliation he would feel would be enough motivation for him to seek revenge. All I wanted was a new life and a chance to start over. I traveled first to Milwaukee and then to the small town of Ashland, Wisconsin where I taught school in a one-room school house with only twelve pupils and prepared for the birth of my child. Working with my students brought joy back into my life and I began to put myself back together. Nobody questioned my story of being a war widow looking for a fresh start. The day that I finally became a mother was the happiest one of my life.

But in a cruel twist of fate, there was to be no miracle to save me from the darkness this time. Only days after I gave birth, John died of a lung infection.

I looked into the black water and rocks tumbling below me in the cold darkness of Lake Superior. After a final prayer to a God who had never answered me before, I raised my arms and stepped off the edge.

~*~

A/N: Thank you very much for reading! If you have a moment to leave a short review, I would dearly appreciate it. Part of the fun of writing for me is getting to hear what readers thought of the chapter and I always respond to each and every review.

This chapter was purposefully a bit disjointed since I thought Esme would be pretty numb after losing everything she held dear. I worried it wouldn't read as very authentic if she was completely in her right mind when she made the decision to jump.

What were your thoughts?