Screw Santa: Part I

Ringing bells and the melodious voice of a violin swelled to fill the arched ceiling, reverberating faintly until the chords melded into a flowing cadence, tumbling back down to earth before ricocheting off the gleaming floor and strumming along the towering white pillars. Like a jar full of hummingbirds. The mummer of overlapping speech rose just above the trilling tune, the tapping and slapping and shuffling of heels and sneakers and heavy boots, the random squeak as wet sole met tile floor like a shock of percussion. The dazzle of red and silver globes shimmered against the verdant green sways and boughs, reflecting the white lights nestled in the tree’s needles like the glow of infinite fireflies. Soft, downy piles of white cotton, sparking with silver glitter, festooned the floor, piled up around the candy-colored array of wrapped presents. The incessant whir and chug of a toy train was interrupted by a shrill whistling at every pass by the miniature station.

His pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut, wishing he had an extra hand to cover both ears.

Make it stop.

“What the hell’s wrong with you, bastard?”

“I hate Christmas.”

“Oh, come on, Sasuke!” Naruto groused, tugging on his zigzag, red wrist cuff and crudely plucking at the candy-cane tights covering his ass. “Don’t be such a Grinch.”

Sasuke pointedly looked away from Naruto’s ass, which was unusually noticeable covered in the green velvet of his elf outfit.

“This travesty gives an entirely new meaning to the phrase ‘frivolous law suit.’”

“What the hell does travesty mean?” Naruto queried, pausing in his quest to pull his tights out his crack.

“Go fuck yourself with a toy train.”

Naruto merely narrowed his eyes, before finally sighing with contentment once he’d fixed the wedgie; that would no doubt return in five minutes, thanks to the too tight, red-and-white nylon, at which point Naruto would continue to torment the other elves with his disgusting, unapologetic male habits.

“How do chicks wear this shit?”

A nearby elf coughed loudly, staring pointedly, arms crossed.

“I mean, it’s like having your ass flossed.”

A mother, who had been passing within earshot, gasped and dragged her tottering little boy away as if someone had shouted “Anthrax!”

“Way to go, you pig,” the other elf growled, twisting to look at him with her winter-blue eyes flashing, blond hair flicking behind her like the tail of an irritated feline. Any beauty she would have had was ruined by her scathing tongue and the sneer that twisted her nose and eyes with deep lines. “You’re going to get the lot of us fired.”

“That would be such a tragedy,” Sasuke muttered, for once beating Naruto to the punch.

Naruto ignored the instigator to snap at him. “Don’t say that!”

Sasuke sighed and sunk even lower into his red velvet seat.

“Who knows what that sadistic judge will do if we screw this up?!” Naruto proclaimed, waving his hands wildly to accentuate their dire circumstance, as if the end of the world was here.

“Mommy! Look! It’s Santa! Can we see him? Can we?! Pleeeeeease!”

And it might as well have been.

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“How do the defendants plead?”

Sasuke closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Guilty.”

Next to him, Naruto, wearing a suit and looking like he was about to crawl out of his skin, smiled sheepishly and scratched his neck. “Erm, guilty, I guess.”

Their lawyer, Shikamaru Nara, shook his head and raised his eyes to the ceiling, looking for a sky that wasn’t there. “As this is their first offense,” he spoke, in a clear if bored tone, “my clients would like to appeal for a diversion to have their records expunged upon completion of their sentence.”

Sasuke winced. His record. He had a record now.

He was going to kill Naruto.

“Indeed,” answered the woman on the bench, seeming entirely too amused, in a sadistic, manic sort of way. Her honey-brown eyes gleamed with dire humor.

What kind of judge wore pigtails anyway?

“Well, Mrs. Sarutobi has agreed to not press civil charges if your sentence includes a measure of community service,” she added, placing her finger on her chin in a look of mock thoughtfulness. “Would you like to opt for such a sentence?”

“Wow, really?” Naruto piped up, turning to grin at Sasuke and flash him a peace sign. “That sounds great!” he added to the judge.

“Are we in accordance?”

Something about the way she asked that gave Sasuke pause, but Shikamaru spoke up before he could properly interrogate her on the nature of their sentence.

“We accept your parameters.”

The judge grinned with too many teeth.

Sasuke stomach dropped out of his body and slammed into the wooden floor.

“Well, then, I have just the appropriate ‘service’ in mind.”

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And here he was. He spit a piece of fake, white beard out of his mouth in disgust and turned his attention back to the monstrosity sitting on his knee like an animated ventriloquist’s puppet.

“I want a squirrel.”

“A what?” Sasuke hissed through his forced smile. “Squirrels are dirty.”

“No they’re not!” the little girl screeched.

Sasuke flinched, ears ringing from the pitch.

The toy train whistled again.

The girl started squirming on his leg.

“Have you been good?” he asked, eyes narrowing. He didn’t have to fake the vicious smile twisting his lips.

“Uh huh!” she responded with a vehement nod.

“Are you sure?” he continued thoughtfully. “Have you told any lies? Done anything your parents told you not to do?”

She stilled, eyes widening.

“Well?” he prodded. “Remember, my elves tell me everything.”

“But I, I wasn’t ba-bad,” she practically whimpered. Her eyes started watering and her face scrunched up in a telltale warning of impending tears.

Sasuke sighed, feeling like a dick now. “Well, I guess you can have some toys, but no squirrels.”

“But I want a squirrel!” she cried, voice breaking.

“Next year,” he relented.

“Really?” she exclaimed, bouncing up and down and tugging on his coat sleeve, all sadness forgotten.

“If you’re good,” he added. “Go on, now.” He resisted the urge to shove her from her perch.

The little brat slid off his leg and raced back to her mother, who looked half grateful and half irritated, for saving her from having to explain why there was no squirrel on Christmas day and for almost making her daughter cry.

Sasuke crossed his arms over the pillow stuffed inside his itchy, sweltering Santa Claus suit and glared at the floor, enjoying the respite from playing jolly old Saint Nic for the few minutes that the line was empty.

He hated children.

He hated Christmas music.

He hated toy trains.

He hated the holidays.

He hated, above all else, he hated Naruto.

“Nice job, dickhead.”

Sasuke raised his gaze to the object of his homicidal thoughts. Naruto’s face was all of five inches from his own, the bobbing, bell-tipped tail of his green-and-red hat dangling in front of his nose.

“You gonna make all the kiddies cry, huh?” he groused, scowling, his eyebrows pulling tight in annoyance. “What kind of Santa are you?”

“A practical one.”

Naruto leaned back and threw his hands up in exasperation. “You have no Christmas spirit!”

“She wanted a squirrel, Naruto.”

“That’s not the point!” Naruto was almost screeching now.

“Would you shut up?”

“Yeah, stupid,” the pink-haired elf proclaimed. “You’re so noisy.” She glanced to Sasuke as if looking for approval.

He ignored her.

Naruto didn’t.

“Make me!” he retorted and stuck his tongue out, putting his hands on either side of his head and wiggling his fingers.

Sasuke had a fleeting thought that Naruto actually made a good elf. He was juvenile and cheery enough. In fact, why the hell was Sasuke Santa? Then Naruto started picking at his tights again, this time pulling them away from his crotch through the skirt-like green shorts.

Oh, yes. Tights.

Not over his dead body.

In a Santa suit, at least his work acquaintances wouldn’t recognize him if they were doing last-minute Christmas shopping.

“Like I was saying, bastard, can’t you pretend to be merry or some shit?”

“Eloquent as always,” he muttered. “And I am being merry.”

Naruto rolled his eyes and put his fists on his hips. “You’re about as warm as an igloo.”

“You’re the one who got us into this mess,” Sasuke snapped. “If you’d just let that stupid prank go, things wouldn’t have gotten out of hand!” He took a meditative breath and attempted to cool his anger. Naruto was insufferable.

“Hey!” Naruto shouted in affront, pointing a finger two inches from Sasuke’s nose. “That punk had it coming! He deserved it. You don’t prank Uzumaki, the Pranking King!”

“He was a nine-year-old boy, Naruto.”

“So?” Naruto huffed indignantly, crossing his arms and turning his back on him, which left Sasuke with an unobstructed view of his ass.

It was disturbing to realize that the moron actually looked semi-attractive in an elf outfit. Sasuke bit his own cheek in retaliation for his disobedient thoughts.

“It’s not like I twisted your arm,” Naruto added, breaking Sasuke from his reverie.

Sasuke sighed again. Sure, he’d gone along with Naruto’s scheme to terrorize a grade-schooler, but it was only because resisting Naruto was pointless: He would either convince you or drive you insane to get his way. The stubborn dolt.

Konohamaru’s mother simply hadn’t been very amused when her son had come home screeching hysterically about how two "bad men" had kidnapped him and dyed his hair orange.

So, here they were, serving out community service for causing “emotional trauma” to a young child, playing Santa and his little helper for the entire month of December. The judge had called it “reformative” labor, because they needed to have more respect for the “tenderness of youth”, or some equally ridiculous gibberish. The woman obviously got her jollies off by torturing her victims.

“This entire mess is your fault,” he snarled, regretting how childish the words sounded as soon as they left his mouth.

“Oh, screw you,” Naruto responded, turning to grimace at him. “It’s like you have an icicle up your ass.”

Sasuke bristled, and was about to spit out a scathing insult when the blond elf interrupted.

“Geez, what are you guys? Married?”

“Ino!” The pink-haired one gasped, making a choking sound and bringing a hand up to cover her laughter.

Naruto sputtered impotently, face reddening until it matched his outfit.

Sasuke intervened, looking at the clock. “Lunch time.”

Naruto turned to him, as if to protest so he could continue bickering, before hunger won over. “Fine,” he grumbled, stalking off and putting out the “Santa will be back at 12:30!” sign.

Sasuke levered himself up from the chair, stretching his tense back before making his way in the cumbersome suit to the men’s changing rooms, which were disguised as a gingerbread house.

Much more of this and he was going to start his mornings with rum instead of coffee.

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Sasuke came back from lunch early, before any of the other volunteers had made it back. He scanned the area to make sure no one he recognized was in the vicinity, before darting past the sign and ducking into the gingerbread house.

He dropped his Coke.

Naruto was already there.

Bending over.

In tights.

He wasn’t wearing any underwear.

Sasuke cursed, tearing his eyes away and picking up his cup before any more liquid drained out of the lid. The shift of blood to his groin was mildly alarming. As he was kneeling to clean up the mess, he chanced a glance at Naruto, who had turned around at the interruption.

His skin almost spontaneously combusted at the full frontal view, which just happened to be level with his head.

“Put some clothes on,” he ordered, but his voice squeaked through his vice-tight throat.

“Huh?” Naruto glanced down, and Sasuke resisted following his gaze.

“You’re going commando in tights?” Sasuke stated, still incredulous. No wonder the dumbass was uncomfortable.

“Hey, I don’t own any tighty whities, ‘kay?” Naruto replied, looking offended. “Boxers didn’t fit under these!”

“Your idiocy never ceases to amaze,” he muttered darkly, mopping up the sugary liquid with a few napkins left over from his lunch. Good thing he’d held onto them.

“Prick,” Naruto volleyed back, turning away again and bending to get the rest of his clothes.

Sasuke had to close his eyes and remind himself to breathe, struggling to wrestle his rebellious libido under control.

“Hey, don’t you need to get changed?” Naruto asked.

Sasuke kept his eyes closed. He couldn’t stand right now, lest he reveal an embarrassing part of his anatomy. “In a minute.”

“You Okay?” Naruto asked, mild concern lacing his tone.

A hand touched his shoulder, and Sasuke entire limb tingled with sensation, fingers twitched.

“You don’t look so good…”

“Naruto,” his grit out, hoarse and tight.

“Yeah?”

“Hand. Off. Now.”

Naruto jerked away. “Fine, you grouchy son of a bitch,” he snapped, offended. “Pass out or whatever. See if I care.”

“Just put some clothes on.” Sasuke finally opened his eyes, but averted his gaze as he stood and went to gather his own costume in the opposite corner.

“What the hell? That’s what’s bothering you?”

“Seeing your fat ass in tights is a less than pleasant sight after I just ate lunch.” He held the offensive, red velvet garment up and grimaced. He couldn’t believe he had to wear this for the next week. At least it was almost over. After that, he’d kill Naruto. Serving a life sentence was more appealing than his current predicament.

“Go to hell,” Naruto growled. “My ass looks great in tights.”

Sasuke turned to glower at his friend, which turned out to be a mistake. The moron still wasn’t dressed; rather, he was striking a classic body builder pose and flexing his muscles, looking exceptionally psychotic with his cheesy grin and candy cane leg wear.

“I know I’m sexy, so it’s understandable you can’t stop looking at my smokin’ bod.”

“Excuse me?” He dropped his suit when his fingers went numb.

“You’re just lucky I’m not homophobic, or I’d be worried about you ogling my fine ass,” Naruto said solemnly, stepping closer and patting his shoulder in mock commiseration. “If it makes you feel any better, if I was gay, I’d definitely do you.”

The fuck?

“You…” Sasuke’s mind boggled at the mere attempt to keep up with Naruto’s train of thought, even as his hands shook with rage.

Naruto grinned cheekily. “Hell, if you had boobs, I’d do you right now!”

His elbow slammed into Naruto’s solar plexus without hesitation.

“Omph!” Naruto gasped, trying to regain his breath and clutching his chest as he stumbled back from the impact.

“As if I’d want to have sex with you!” he hissed, scooping up his Santa suit and stalking to the other end of the room. Eyes narrowed in a frigid glare that almost frosted the mirror, Sasuke slipped into his costume and grabbed his bread, which he’d left by the sink, hastily reattaching it. By the time he was finished, Naruto had recovered enough to get dressed, but was stubbornly refusing to say anything to his counterpart across the room. Naruto was pissed. Fine with him. That had been the last straw.

So what if he was gay? Naruto had never mocked him for it before. Hell, he’d even tried to set Sasuke up on blind dates once he’d found out, which had led to Sasuke avoiding him for a month before he got the hint. But this?

Naruto, no matter how hot he was, no matter what a good friend he was, could be an insufferable, insensitive idiot.

Then again, the teasing had been a little too close to home.

He left without looking back.

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“What’s wrong with you two?” Ino complained. “Lovers quarrel?”

The other girl, Sakura, giggled.

Sasuke sneered, but the effect was lost under his curly beard.

Naruto ignored her, leaning against the railing around the Santa’s Workshop enclosure and scowling. He was determined, Sasuke’d give him that. It had been almost four hours and he was still holding a grudge. As if he had any right to be angry. He’d gotten Sasuke on this ridiculous assignment in the first place and he was the one who’d been an asshole.

He forced the guilt from his mind. Naruto could take a punch. There was noting to worry about.

The final 30 minutes of the day seemed to pass infinitely. Every time he looked up at the clock, it seemed the minute hand had moved backwards. When their shift finally ended, he practically bolted out of the seat to the changing rooms, intent on leaving as quickly as possible.

Naruto slammed the door behind him as he entered. Sasuke didn’t look up, intent on undoing the fastenings on his jacket.

When a hand gripped his shoulder and threw him into the wall, he lashed out instinctively, grazing Naruto’s jaw. Naruto merely grunted and stepped into his personal space, eyes blazing with righteous fury.

“Let go,” Sasuke growled, muscles tightening.

“No,” Naruto said firmly. “Look, I’m sorry. I run my mouth off sometimes. I didn’t mean to make fun of you.”

Sasuke dropped his gaze, staring at the shiny, gold buttons marching down Naruto’s chest.

After a moment, Naruto stepped back, releasing his shoulder. Sasuke remained slumped against the wall, curled inwards. He scratched absently at his shoulder. The damn fabric itched like it was lined with sand.

“Hey.”

Sasuke looked up, then his eyes widened. Naruto had already changed. Had he zoned out for that long?

“Wanna grab a drink?”

Just like that, huh? Back to normal.

“Sure.” He shrugged. “Why not?”

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TBC

Author Notes: Hey ya’ll. I meant to post this in its entirety, but I ran out of time, so I’ll finish it before New Year’s Eve, I think. I’ve actually got to finish my research paper on yaoi. How ironic is that, huh? Can’t write yaoi cause I gotta write about yaoi…

Anyway, I wanted to dedicate this to Desfinado, who is also a grad student and helped me immensely with my paper. She not only gave me the longest and most critically deep interview, but when my computer ATE the file, she had managed to save most of it for her own reference and was able to replace it. I worship you, hon. Merry Christmas!!!