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So I went over and over in my head about doing this. I enjoy writing long chapters for this story... but as I started to write the NYE party, I began to receive more and more mixed reviews and pms. And since my readers are so important to me, I wanted to go ahead and upload this snippet that was meant to be a part of the next chapter... so things could be clarified. I wanted to explain things that I feel may have been shoved on a back burner, which was MY mistake. This way, you'll have a better understanding of Bella and Edward's CURRENT mindframe.
And this way, the next chapter can be dedicated to the party! I know you're all looking forward to it! *squee* So am I!

Chapter Nine: The night before New Year's Eve. SHORT CHAPTER.

Things become clear, for Bella's reasons and Edward's understanding. Alice also expresses her reasons.
A much needed explanation. Both POVs.

Disclaimer: I own nothing that is Twilight or Stephenie Meyer related. But I think she's a genius for creating these two characters that I can play with!

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown...
So why am I ten feet under, and upside down?
Barely surviving has become my purpose...
because I'm so used to living underneath the surface.
...If I could just see you, then everything would be all right.
If I see you, this darkness would turn to light.
And I... would walk on water.
And you would catch me, if I fall...
And I will get lost into your eyes...
And everything... would be alright.

Lifehouse, "Storm"

Chapter Nine: Storm Clouds

BellaPOV

After Jasper fell asleep and the downstairs settled down from people's exhaustion, I climbed off of him and pulled myself out of the bedroom. Colleen and Makin were curled up on the couch together, which didn't surprise me at all. They have always clicked, ever since Jasper and I began hanging out. My best friend, his best friend... made perfect sense.

They have just never told each other how they felt.

Not that I could talk.

I stole a glance at the grandfather clock above the fireplace before I headed into the kitchen. It was a little after two in the morning. It was New Year's Eve.

I sighed and flipped on the light, to find Emmett leaning against the counter with a sandwich.

"Emmett?" my scratchy voice said as I rubbed my eyes. "What are you doing awake?"

He sighed heavily and shrugged his shoulders, "Couldn't sleep. I'm waiting on Rosalie to get out of the shower so I can have someone to play with."

"Oh."

I walked over to the fridge and opened it up, squinting once the bright lights soared over my face.

"Rough night?" he asked as he took another bite.

"You could say that."

"I haven't seen you around a lot lately... been hiding?"

I shrugged and pulled out some orange juice, "I've slipped back into my suffer in silence mode."

"Ahh."

I poured myself a glass of OJ, grimacing at the thought of his eyes burning through the back of my head. I could practically feel the heat.

I shrugged it off and returned the carton to the fridge, taking a large sip.

"I was just wondering if had anything to do with Edward."

I about choked, coughing heavily. I patted my chest and shook my head quickly.

"W-why would you, ahem...t-think that?" I asked through my burning throat.

Emmett let out a big gust of wind as he pulled himself up to sit on the counter. "Because for the second time in my life, I had to pick my best buddy off of the floor because of you."

I closed my eyes, feeling the ache in my chest. "Emmett, you don't know anything ab-"

"Okay well let me tell you what I do know, Bella," he cut me off, hissing at me. "I know that you two used to be together. I know that shit happened and it ended badly, for the both of you. I know you were both devastated. I know that you blamed each other and refused to tie yourselves down with anyone else because you two have some kind of angst romance that you both can't seem to get over. And I know you're the only girl he has ever loved-"

"But that doesn't m-"

"Let me finish!" he shouted, his hand up in the air. "I'm not done. I know that you're the only girl on this entire fucking planet that he ever loved, and I know you cheated on your boyfriend with him the other night... And then, after you let him believe that you wanted to be with him again and could forgive him for all the shit he had done wrong to you, you turned around and slammed it in his face again, and told him you didn't want him."

I glared at him, as my eyes filled up with tears and I tightened my grip on the plastic cup I was holding.

"You used him, Bella. In a really shitty, nasty, fucking evil way."

"Emmett, you weren't there," I whispered through my teeth. "You have no idea what I am dealing with either."

He looked at me sarcastically. "Why don't you enlighten me, Bella?"

"Why?"

"Because I want to hear you explain this to me. Let it out."

I swallowed, clamping my eyes shut tight. "I do love him. More than anything. And I do-"

"Bella, please spare me the tidbits."

I glared at him, getting frustrated. "Fine. You want to know? I'll tell you. I had everything planned out. I have a career ahead of me, which I have dreamed about since I was a child. I wanted to see my ideas on commercials, on movies, on billboards. Advertising was all I wanted to do. And I did it well."

He nodded, still glaring at me.

"I own my house, which I share with my sister. I have my own car, which is about to be paid off. I don't bounce my checking account every other weekend, and I don't have a million credit cards drowning me. Everything else in my life is set... except for love."

"I'm listening."

I glared at him again. "Ever since I ran into Edward at that club, I was irritated. Everything about Tanya and all of our flights crossed over my mind again. All the hurt, all the pain... everything. I know I fucked up when Edward and I first started dating with Jacob, but that was way different. I was young. And stupid and naive. And I busted my ass to prove to Edward that I wanted him. And I did, because he was that missing piece in my life. And it sucked when we broke up... and it tore me apart. No matter how much I try to shake it off, I can't. Because I had never loved anyone like I loved Edward Cullen."

He nodded.

"And let me tell you something else... We had slept together for the first time on my eighteenth birthday. In this cabin! And in the middle of it, it was hurting too much for me, so we stopped. He said he could wait, and that it wasn't important to him. And for the next four or five months, Edward refused to try again, saying he didn't want to hurt me and he didn't think we were ready yet. So, a while after winter break, I kept pushing him and pushing him to try again with me. But he couldn't. I even went as far as buying the lingerie and heels and sneaking to his bedroom, planning this whole seduction thing. We got all the way to the main act and right as we were about to actually try again, he stopped. Rejection swam over me cold and fast. The next night, I had a party. And guess what?"

He swallowed hard, knowing what was coming.

"That's right. He hooked up with Tanya. Not even twenty-four hours after he rejected me, his girlfriend of almost four years, he goes and hooks up with the girl who had tried for months to be my best friend. And I found them in the bathroom, beside my dead father's bedroom, in my dead father's house."

" But Bella, -"

"No you let me talk Emmett!" I spat back at him. "So I swung open the door after Angela had told me she saw him go in there with her fifteen minutes ago. He had his pants dropped to his ankles, his shirt off, her shirt off, and she had her nasty bare ass with her skirt hiked up her waist, in the middle of the bathroom sink with her arms and legs wrapped around him. The music had been so loud and we were all so drunk, they didn't even hear me come in! So there they were, with their tongues rammed down each other's throats and his erection visible through his boxers..."

I closed my eyes, flashing back to that night as I calmed my voice down, "...and do you want to know something? The first thought I had wasn't of anger. Or jealousy. ...It was a mere realization... that I wasn't what he wanted. I mean, if he could reject me like that, when I had tried for so hard and so long to be with him in all the ways possible, and give in to her advances in one night ...then all my fears and insecurities of not being good enough for him weretrue."

I felt the tears slide down my heated cheeks, but I swiped them away.

"For years after that, even when I was with other people... that stuck. I'd always wonder if I was good enough for them either. Always wonder if they had some blonde girl they would be more interested in, just waiting on the sidelines for me to fuck up... Jasper too. And it confused me, because everything in my life was settled. I wasn't stressed out like other kids, didn't have to worry about money or bills... Just love."

I frowned, thinking of the mess I put myself in.

"I never got over Edward, Emmett... Ever. He was in every dream still, every thought that crossed my mind... Sure, you know, I learned how to eventually be happy without him, and I had some pretty sweet boyfriends... but that insecurity and those fears never went away. And when I ran into Edward at the club and Tanya came over there and threw herself at him in front of me, just to spite me, it was as if I never left high school, and all those feelings resurfaced. I was back to comparing myself to her, back to wondering why in the hell he was still with her if he didn't care about her. And I slapped him on the face. Because I was in that mind-set that we were in high school all over again..."

I closed my eyes as my voice became a weakened whisper, "And then we started to ease up on each other once we got here. Tried to make the best of an uncomfortable situation. After the lap dance and the argument, I found myself forgiving him. And I really did mean it when I said I forgave him... And I remember feeling so warm as he stood in front of me, after we apologized. I remember thinking, wow... all these years, and that wasn't so hard... By then he had ended things with Tanya... And then I found out about him and Alice, and I felt so jealous of her... I knew I shouldn't have, because I have a wonderful man who loves me more than life itself... but I couldn't help it... I tried to support her and him, tried to encourage her... I guess I felt that if I pushed the two of them together and saw it for myself, knowing that she was good for him... then I could officially move on. One hundred percent..."

He nodded, swallowing hard as he listened to me. His eyes seemed sad but he didn't speak.

And it felt good to get it all of my chest.

"Then we got into that accident with your Jeep... A-And..." my chin began to quiver as the tears streamed out, "... and all I could think about was my dad, and then about Edward... I just wanted him to get there and ease that ache in my chest. So he called me when he was on his way, and I felt so relieved... Emmett, you don't understand... I had never, ever felt so scared and so calm at the same time like that! And I could feel my body tense up as the seconds flew by, because I knew he was getting closer to me, and he would be that only person that could take it all away..."

He hopped off the counter and walked over to me, giving me a slight hug.

"A-and all I could think about was him making it there without getting hurt, and how heartbroken I would be if he wrecked his car. I didn't even think about Jasper, not once! I mean, I guess maybe that I was glad he was coming with Edward and glad he was safe, but he wasn't my main concern... Edward was... All at that moment, it all came back to me... Not all the anger or the fights or any of that we had gotten into while we were together or whatever... No, it was all the love that I held for him for so long crashing back over me in one quick moment... And when he finally got there, it was as if Jasper, Rosalie... everyone else disappeared. I watched as he helped all those people and panicked when he crossed the street... All I wanted to do was jump into his freaking arms and tell him right then and there that I was sorry for all of my insecurities and my stupid things I did when we were together before... Apologize for all of the stupid arguments I started with him in high school... Apologize for every little thing that I had done wrong, because I always knew it wasn't just him that was the bad guy. I was just as guilty. I was just as stupid... and I never really appreciated him when I had him... Not as much as I could have, you know? Because we were too young..."

Emmett nodded, holding me tighter while I sobbed in his chest.

"...And after he got the Jeep out, I couldn't handle it anymore. I pretended it didn't bother me, for Jasper's sake, but I was dying to go over there and be with him, show him how bad I cared for him, and how thankful I was for him to be there with me... And so when Jasper told me to go, I felt my heart rise up and the butterflies and all that electricity that Edward and I seem to share just yank me out of the car and toward him. I didn't stop running until I caught up with him. And after we fell over, thanks to my clumsiness, he tried to take care of me. Wiping off my hands with his gloves, making sure I was safe before he put me in the car... "

I stopped talking so I could pull back and look at Emmett in the face, through my puffy eyes.

"We were in the car on the way back here... and we were talking and laughing like we used to... and that draw to him... that constant pull got stronger and stronger... and before I knew it, I was holding his hand. And I couldn't help but notice how perfect mine fit into his... like puzzle pieces. Like destiny... and Emmett, it scared the shit out of me. It did, because I wasn't used to feeling like this again. I didn't know what to do! Then all these mix of emotions between Jasper and I and then Edward and I swam over me and I felt like I was drowning."

"Because on one end, I had a great boyfriend who had loved me and had been my best friend for three years... and I could see my future with him being completely secure, and safe. I could see us raising kids in a wonderful home, full of love and laughter and movie nights. I saw us holding hands and going to their soccer practice and dance recitals... Growing old together as we sat on the swing, looking down to our grandchildren... It all seemed so sweet and honest... and perfect."

I sighed, shaking my head. "Then I saw Edward. And I saw a real life. I saw the ups and downs of a relationship, and of a marriage. I saw us fighting about finances, and about him working for long hours at the hospital, and me being so lonely without him there... Crying in the empty bed, waiting for the hours to tick by until he came home, just so I could sleep better... Because I knew I would once he held me, you know? ...I saw him making breakfast for our two-year-old little girl while he gave me an extra hour of sleep because he knew I'd need it... I saw him coming in and laying down with me in bed when I had the flu, and taking care of me... I saw him storming out of the house after we got into a really bad fight... and I saw our beautiful make-up sex. And then..."

I closed my eyes as the tears overflowed, pouring out harder than ever, "...I-I saw him standing over my casket, after I was gone. He was much older and crinkled, but still as beautiful... and I saw him crying and sobbing, telling me he had only loved me in all these years, and that I was the only one that could make his smile real... and then, as his tears fell, he reached out to take my lifeless hand in his warm... and he said that I didn't have to be scared, because he'd come up there soon, and find me all over again... and we'd be together forever in heaven..."

I couldn't talk anymore, as tears overtook me. Emmett allowed me to cry on him for minutes, not saying anything other than slight whispers that I was okay.

He sat down on the tile floor, and let me sit in his lap as I continued to cry.

"Emmett... all those confusing feelings kept drowning me... and I knew I'd have a safe life with Jasper, and I'd never have to worry about anything... I knew it'd be cookie-cutter and like something out of a fairy tale... but I wasn't sure if I wanted that... But I wasn't sure if I didn't want that either... and then, as time passed, I became more confused. I had no one to talk to about it, because Rosalie would kill me and Jacob would kill Edward for any reason he could... but all I could think about was that gravitational pull to him. I thought about how he played the guitar after my dad's funeral, and about all the times Edward was there for me... And then I found out he never took off that damn necklace, after all these years..."

I sobbed, shaking my head, "...and all I could think about was, maybe... maybe now we could have that moment I longed for, for so many years... maybe I could show him that I never let him go... Whether it be physical or not... Because I wanted to prove to him how much I loved him, since I couldn't say it with my mouth... And after I soaked in the bathroom for hours, something just came over me... I wanted to be with him. And at that moment, I didn't care about anything else, about any of the repercussions that could come my way... all I wanted was to live out my fantasy of that real life and real marriage with Edward... if only for one night. I wanted to pretend that he was my husband and I was his wife, and that we somehow got back together because of destiny... And I didn't care if it was only one night... I just wanted it to be memorable."

"And it was," Emmett finished.

I nodded. "Yes. And that's why it's so hard, because I'm afraid of all the scary parts of that real life with Edward... as much as I'd rather have them, than to know my life would be perfect without any hardships when I was with Jasper... it still scared me. I didn't want to fight with Edward, didn't want to hurt him... and I didn't want to hurt Jasper either. I just became so lost, you know? It was as if everything started spinning around and around and around in my head, and I didn't know what was up and what was down..."

I shook my head, burying my face into my clammy hands. "What am I going to do, Emmett?"

He took a steady breath as he continued to rub my back, "I have no idea... I honestly didn't expect all of that to come out. I just thought you used him, honestly."

"I'd never use Edward. And I didn't mean it when I told him I didn't want him... I do want him and I always will... But I don't know if I will be able to handle all the fights we'll have, all the angry words we'll say to each other during our lives if we were together... just facing him today and seeing how heartbroken he became... that was enough to kill me... I mean, what if five years down the road when we're married and have a three-year old who is fussy and a newborn baby who won't stop crying, and he's working a double at the hospital and I just got home from my advertising meeting, and we just can't seem to catch a break and just... blow up at each other? Or the kids? I just don't want to... I don't know what I want. I mean, I do, but I don't know what Edward wants... I'm willing to fight for it, but is he? Because if he's not, then I don't want to waste my time on someone who doesn't really know if he can stick it out with me..."

"I understand your dilemma. I understand why you're having a hard time picking a life of happiness and security, verses a life of ... well... unpredictable fights, and sometimes-insecure-but-oh-so-undeniable-and-passionate-love."

I nodded, wiping my tears away as I became drained. "I really do love him."

"Bella, let me give you some advice."

"Okay."

"Life's shitty," he chuckled. "...I mean it. It can be really fucking hard, and can flip you in any direction that it chooses, without any amount of warning. It can pull on your limbs until you feel you're going to break. It can drown you, slam you into walls, bury you under fifty feet of thick concrete... it can make you wish you were dead..."

I nodded, understand him completely.

"But..." he continued, "it can also make you smile. You could be having the worse day of your life, be stacked up to your nose in bills and problems, and then all of a sudden... you see your baby girl smile at you after she woke up from a nap, or your husband walk in that front door with dandelions he picked from the neighbor's yard after he too had a shitty day in the office... and all of that animosity goes right out of the window. People fight. They get on each other's nerves. They say things they regret. They bicker and shout and scream and hit and push until they have nothing left..."

He smiled, "But I think we do that to prove to ourselves that we're human, and we all have feelings. We all break down, and we all pick ourselves back up... We have these down times so that we can learn to gain strength in our moments of weakness... so we can learn to appreciate the things we took for granted once... And when you have someone who can share all of those things with you - the good days, the sad days, the heartbreaking days, the joyful days - it really makes it worthwhile. Because you know that no matter how bad it gets, that someone is going to be there to hold your hand, that has shared all of those things with you. That person is going to be the one who gives you a hug after you've crumbled to the ground, and tell you that if you fall, they fall too. But they won't let you quit, because the two of you are going to get through that together... There's always that reassurance, and the proof that their love is undeniable."

I absorbed each of his words astonishingly. I never knew he could talk like that, or think like that. This was a completely other side of Emmett that I had ever seen. And I loved him for showing it to me.

"And to be honest," he continued as he hugged me tight, "I wouldn't want a life where I couldn't experience the bad things... because without any heartbreak or suffering, there'd be no love, or understanding, or compassion. We would all take everything for granted, because it'd come to us easily. And what fun is that, without some sort of chase involved?"

I snickered, as my face became dry. "I guess I never thought of it that way."

"Well," he whispered as he moved my hair off of my shoulder, "sometimes you have to think outside of the box."

I nodded, taking a few moments of silence to ponder every thing he's said.

"So, I'm guessing Edward hates me completely now," I sighed, slouching over in his lap.

"No," he replied. "He was pretty upset. He cried it out with me and Alice and a few of his friends, and then he - just like you - became still and calm, because he had no more tears to let out. And he put some thought into everything, and he told us he wasn't mad at you anymore, and that he understood..."

"Yeah, but he doesn't know how I feel, Emmett. You're the only person I told this to."

"Yeah, but he knows how he feels, Bella. Edward isn't the type to hold a grudge on you, even when he tries desperately to do so. Sure, he may bring shit up during the middle of an argument, but that's because he's a man, and we do that. But to be honest... you could kick him down stairs, break all his fingers, punch him in the nose, shit on his face, and stab him in the balls... and I'd think the man would still love you."

I giggled, rubbing my eyes, as I sighed heavily.

Then I felt weak again. "I don't deserve it though. I don't deserve Edward...and I know that."

"Yeah well... maybe it's not up to you to decide whether or not you deserve Edward... because technically, wouldn't that be his decision on whether or not he wanted to stick it out?"

I frowned but nodded. "I guess."

"Yeah... and Bella, I know why you love Jasper too. I can see how good of a guy he is... but if I'm being honest, I don't think you want Jasper like that. I think you could possibly love him eighty percent of the way... but it'd never be that full, fire-scorching, need-to-have-him-every-day desire... and no one deserves to be committed and loved three-fourths of the way."

"Yeah..."

"And I think that if you were to cut him loose, then you could love him a hundred-percent of the way... as that best friend of his. And that would mean more to him than being dragged along... trust me, we're men and we try to be all strong and carefree... Well, all I can say is, we may appear to be rock-stern, but all we want is to be loved as well. To have that warm body curl up next to us... and to know that we are needed too."

I licked my lips and ran my fingers through his hair. "I know."

"You'll do the right thing. You just can't rush it."

I sighed as he picked me up and rose to his feet, before steadying my feet back to the ground. I gave him a strong hug and a kiss on his cheek.

"I'm so glad I wanted orange juice," I replied with a soft giggle.

He kissed my forehead and rubbed my back, "Just know I'm here for you. No matter what, okay? I'm your friend too. I'm just not afraid to put you in your place."

I nodded, "Same goes for you."

He shook my hand in his until our arms extended out as I walked away. I let it drop slowly, and as I stopped in the doorframe, I turned around again to give him a smile.

He returned it, gracefully.

"Hey... Emmett?" I asked, as I fidget with my hands.

"Yeah?"

"...Alice knows... so how mad is she?"

He exhaled, "Let's just say... you might not want to approach her unless your bleeding from the head and dying and no one else is around at that moment... Give her a few hours to cool off. She'll be fine by the party, I'm sure. She can't be sad during parties, it's not in her personality trait."

I bit my lip and gave him a final nod. "Good night, Em. I love you."

"I love you too, Bells. Sweet dreams... and remember, take it slow."

"Okay."

As I walked back up the stairs, a new wave of feelings came over me. I couldn't define them then.

I didn't feel completely justified, and I wasn't completely sure how to deal with all of this yet... but I did feel alive for the first time in a long time... and couldn't help but smile when I realized that I just might have something to live for, after all.

EdwardPOV

I blinked, laying motionless in my bed.

I could sniffle, but my eyes were beyond dried out now.

There was nothing left to think about, or cry over.

Because what's been done is done.

I rolled over on my back and pursed my lips.

I felt so exhausted, but so awake at the same time.

I didn't know what to do.

I couldn't sleep; I'd done and tried that several times.

And my buddies were all drunk and passed out around the house, so that didn't help either.

If it weren't for Alice laying next to me, I probably would have strangled myself with the pillow.

Okay, not really, but still. I had nothing to occupy my time with.

I cleared my throat, trying to find my voice. "Hey, Alice?"

"Yeah?" she replied, her voice just as scratchy. She had been crying along with me. And to tell you the truth, it made me feel better. I didn't want to be the only one looking like a baby.

"Did you really mean it when you said you didn't look at me... like that... anymore?"

She sighed, "Yes... is that going to make you more upset?"

"No," I shook my head, squeezing her hand tight. "I was just wondering how you came to that conclusion."

"Well," she exhaled, running her fingers through her hair, "I think I always really knew... I mean, sure, I thought I was in love with you. And maybe I still am, but it's not in the way I thought it once was. We've spent so much time together, every waking moment almost since we were little kids... and I guess one day, I started thinking about it, and figured it was destined that we were meant to be. I convinced myself of it. I tried to justify it in my head. And eventually, I believed it... And it made me aggravated that you couldn't see it, or try to make sense of it. And then I became jealous when I saw you with other girls, like Amanda or Tanya or whoever... and, you know, looking back at it, I think it was because I had gotten so used to being that girl for you. The girl you came home to... The girl you needed... and again, I allowed myself to become convinced that we were supposed to be more... even though I knew deep down inside, despite what I told myself ... it would have never happened."

"Yeah," I nodded.

"But... the nights that you rejected me... I needed that. And the second time it happened, it really hit me hard and fast. It was as if someone was shaking me and yelling, 'Wake up from the dream, Alice! This isn't your life! This isn't what you want! He is your best friend! You two were meant for different people...' and I hate to say it because I don't want to make you feel worse, but... I almost felt disgusted after that. It was as if I had been woken up from a very long and disturbing dream, I realized how many years I spent trying to force my mind to do something. I mean, sure I am attracted to you and most definitely would have hooked up with you a time or two... but I think that, even if we ever did couple up... it wouldn't be right. We'd learn immediately after that we were supposed to be friends."

I let out a gust of wind. "Wow. It all makes much more sense now that you say it like that."

"Yeah. It's crazy how our minds work, isn't it? It's how we convince ourselves things, and we end up in panic attacks or depression. If you told yourself over and over and over again that your hand was on fire, eventually you're going to see flames, and then you'll run around the house like a chicken with it's head cut off..."

I laughed with her. "I could actually see someone like Emmett doing that."

"I know!" she giggled, "...but I think that once someone realizes what you're up to, then they'll throw that invisible bucket of cold water on your hand, and disintegrate the flame..."

"So... who was it that carried the invisible water bucket?" I prodded, not even trying to cover up my curiosity.

Alice didn't reply.

I snapped my head in her direction, to see her covering her face with her hands.

"Alice... are you... are you blushing?"

"Shut up Edward!"

"Oh my God, you are!" I grabbed her hands and pulled them away, to find the most adorable flushed face I'd seen in awhile. "Alice! Oh God, is it Emmett?"

"Ew!" she slapped my chest. "No! God no!"

I furrowed my brows at her. "Jacob?"

"No! Come on Edward!"

"Then who?"

"It's... um..." she sighed, closing her eyes, "Jasper."

After a few minutes, she opened up one of her eyes and snuck a peak at me, to see why I hadn't responded. "Are you still alive?"

I nodded, not being able to respond.

"I know. It's horrible... but I can't help it, Edward. He's just so amazing, and I swear he was in this dream I had once a long time ago, and he just seems to know me inside and out, even though we just met... It's like, I can feel him all around me when he's clear across the room... And he's just so warm and sweet and nice and handsome and adorable and kind and..."

I nodded, holding my hands up in the air to get her to stop using adjectives, "I get it, I get it."

She sighed, covering her face, "I'm such a mess. I know. A big floppy mess."

I scratched my head as I pondered over this. "Does anyone know about these feelings you have?"

"No one but you."

"Uh huh." I twitched my lips, suddenly feeling better about my drama. Then I snickered.

She popped her head up and turned to her side to slap me hard on my stomach, "What are you laughing at, you butt-head?"

"God, how the tables turn so fast in our lives!"

"Like sand through the hour glass, baby."

I exhaled, grumping back down in the mattress.

I started to daze off, thinking about Bella and I again.

"What are you thinking about?" she whispered, after a few minutes.

"Bella."

She groaned and rolled over on her back, "What about her?"

I frowned. "I love her, Alice."

"...I know you do."

"No," I shook my head, rolling over on my side to face her. "I love her. No matter what, I really do. And deep down... I think she still loves me... I just don't know what's going on inside her head."

A devilish grin crossed her lips and her eyes twinkled, "Do you want me to go suck Jasper off and we can call the score even? Because I'll happily oblige!"

I smacked her shoulder, feeling vomit rising in my throat.

"That's so fucking sweet of you to offer, Alice," I replied sarcastically.

"I'm totally serious too."

I snickered, rubbing my face, "I'm sure you are."

"And I'm really good at it, too."

"Alice... please. Don't."

"Oh, come on Edward. I'm your best friend, one hundred percent again. We have the right to talk about this stuff, especially now that we're not gonna do it to each other!"

I growled, "Fine. Then you're laying in the exact spot Bella did when I gave her nice, endeavoring head... for a really fucking long time... and she moaned my name repeatedly during it, while fisting her beautiful fingers through my hair."

She grew silent and stiffened in her spot.

"Exactly," I replied. "So drop it."

"Edward, that's just wrong..."

I laughed, unable to stop it. "So it's okay when you say it, but I can't?"

"Yes! Because I can just imagine you doing it... and it being all over your chin."

We burst out laughing, both of us curling up in our mutual disgusted humor.

I bit my lip as our giggles died down, "Yeah but she really did taste incredible."

"Oh Edward, must you?"

"I'm sorry... can't help it."

She rolled her eyes, "Fine. Tell me about it, because I know you haven't told anyone else."

"Well, she woke me up out of a dead sleep, and I thought I was dreaming at first... Then I realized she was in a towel. After a lot of convincing and after it all dawned on me, she dropped the towel and asked me to make love to her... And of course, I cannot resist her. So I did."

"Was it nice?"

"Oh yes... Better than I imagined. And it was sweet, and delicate, and slow... She felt amazing, and it was just as it had always meant to be. We fit together perfectly... and I fell deeper in love with her."

She sighed, and I sighed too.

Then I felt empty again.

I closed my eyes, covering my chest with my warm hand.

"I really miss her, Alice. And it sucks, because I know she's just right there on the other side of the bathroom... and there's nothing I can fucking do about it."

"Ugh, Edward, please don't make me say this."

"Say what?"

She growled in frustration, covering herself with my covers. "... Never say never. If it's... meant to be, then it will."

"Yeah... but I really miss her," I felt myself pouting, but couldn't help it. "I know she loves me," I whispered. "She's just scared. She has to be scared."

"How are you so sure?"

I shrugged, "I don't know. I mean, I know she ripped my fucking heart out and that I'm in pain... but I can't help but hear this fucking voice in my head, telling me it will work out. Just be patient."

"I just don't want you to get your hopes up."

"Well what about you and Jasper? I mean, he's taken... so if your never say never theory is true, then how do you think you two will work out?"

"Because... I can tell by the way he looks at me... Most of the time, I think to myself to let him go and to shake it off, because he's taken... but then other times, I just... drown in him. And anytime we're in a room, we could be no where near each other, but we always seem to find each other's eyes... We always seem to be crashing into each other, literally sometimes... And he always seems to be around..."

"So... let me get this straight. I love Bella. She loves me, and Jasper. Jasper loves her and you. And you love him and me?"

"Yes."

"God that's awful."

"I know," she giggled, "but I think they're different types of love. See, you love me, but only as a friend. You're head over heels for Bella. And she loves Jasper, but mainly as a friend... and she's head over heels for you. I love you, but definitely as my best friend now, and I don't know if I'm in love with Jasper.. but I think it's a great possibility for the some day's of the world... and I don't think he's in love with Bella... I just think he wants to prove to her that good guys exist... I think Jasper knows deep down inside that he doesn't compare to you, for her."

"So why can't she see that?"

She sighed, "Maybe she is almost there...but needs that extra push."

"Yeah."

"Maybe... you could be that extra push for her, Edward... I think, if you don't throw it in her face, try to accept why she's confused and what she's going through, and just be there for her.. I think she'll fall harder than ever for you."

"Really?"

"Yes... that's all a girl really wants. To be really seen, for someone to not only understand but to accept her faults... and be able to love her regardless. And be willing to grow with her."

My chest burned.

"God I love her," I whispered, feeling the ache intensify. "It hurts really bad."

"Yeah I know..." she frowned, her voice becoming just as weak as mine. "Love's a bitch."

"It really is."

We laid in silence for a good thirty minutes.

Just thinking about our own problems and heartache.

The longing we had for the two people on the opposite side of this hall.

And how close they were, but so far away.

"What do you think you're gonna do, Edward?" Alice whispered. "About Bella?"

"I don't know..." I replied. "I guess we'll just have to wait and see... but I'm not going to fight with her."

"Yeah that doesn't solve anything."

"I know. I said some pretty mean things to her earlier."

"She'll forgive you."

"You think so?"

"Yes... you two have come this far... I mean, there has to be a reason why you guys keep coming back to this. Keep getting back to each other... It reminds me of a Jimmy Eat World song I like to listen to on my Ipod."

"Which one?"

"It's called The Kill. It has this lyric that says, Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance... or only one way that it was always meant to be?"

I soaked in the words for a minute. "...I like it."

"Yeah. It reminds me of you two a lot. There has to be a reason that this keeps circling back around you guys, over and over and over again... Maybe it's fate screaming at the two of you, telling you to wake the fuck up and just do it all ready!"

"Yeah. Maybe..."

We started to doze off, and I was almost there, before she spoke up again.

"This doesn't mean I'm going to be cutting Bella any slack tomorrow. She's gonna hear what I have to say."

"Alice, please don't. It'll only make things worse for me."

"Someone needs to shake the girl and tell her to wake up and see what is right in front of her face, Edward. I mean, I love Bella and always have, but she's so scared that she's blinded herself on the happiness that she could have if she'd only allow herself to relax and fall again."

"Yeah..."

I turned away from her, curling up on my side of the bed. When I closed my eyes, I thought of Bella. When I opened my eyes, I thought of her. I could smell her scent, taste her on my tongue. I could feel the trail on my skin burning from where she once touched.

That all must stand for something, right? I thought to myself.

I just had no idea how I was going to prove it to her...

But I prayed she still wanted me.

Please just want me. Please just want me.

-AUTHOR'S NOTES-

So there we go, Chapter 09!

To my readers:

First off, let me start by asking you to please hang in with me! I know that most people want E/B to be together - and so do I - but I don't want to rush it, and I really want to build their history and their lives now, and I want to make sure that when they're OFFICIALLY together, that everything else can be shaken off... But no worries, I have a LOT of EB goodies coming your way!

I spoke w/my Beta Katie about my mixed reviews with this last chapter. Tried to explain to her how I was feeling and what my concerns were for my readers... and I let her look into some of my stuff I have planned for the future, and she told me to make sure that I tell you that she says it's worth the patience! New Year's Eve is going to start turning around for US - yes me and her too! - EB fans!

You guys know how much you mean to me. You're the best. Thanks for cheering me up, and for your constant support. * hug * Thanks for the pms when you just want to check on me to make sure I'm okay, or for the inspiring words and motivation. I wish I could hug you all!

And if I may add, it amazes me how the tables have turned around... I even shock myself with some of the things I put in here. A lot of people disliked Edward and praised Bella in the beginning of this story... and now people are angry with Bella, and on Edward's side. Ahh, how exes and their relationships twist us all around... All I can say is, again, don't pick sides. You don't know the full story. Yet. Please, just stick with me. I've never steered you wrong, and I don't intend to now! Please be patient, it's about to get good!

And I do have something to say in my defense: I don't take any thing negatively. I learn from every single one of your guys' advice, that's why I love reviews. I try to look at every angle, and view things as constructive criticism. If you tell me you do not want something, then I take it into account. However, I cannot make everyone happy at the same time. Some people want angst and drama, others want cookie-cutter, perfect love... I am the middle-man, because I enjoy both.

I personally view stories and writing as "taking the sugar with the salt". I wanted this one to be more of a real life sort of scenario. And I wanted it to slowly progress, not just have everyone shake hands and move on and ride away into the sunset on a white carriage with horses pulling them.

But I never intended to steer anyone in the wrong direction or give anyone false hope for EB. So again, please bare with me on this. You'll understand as the story progresses.

This story is about a self-discovery, for every character... Each of them are slowly learning what they want and don't want, or what they thought they wanted but realize they didn't... and learning what and/or whom they can't live without. Because we ALL go through that. We all make mistakes. We all go down the wrong path from time to time. We all had a crush on someone back in grade school that we laugh about now, because we realize how silly we were... but that's what makes it fun! And that's what I am trying to share with you guys!

OF COURSE this is an Edward/Bella story, I don't know how, or want to write anything but that! But I've written two stories that are more lovey-dovey, and I wanted a break from that. I tried to warn from the beginning that this isn't going to be an easy fight for them. It's four years of them being together, and four years after their split... when they haven't let things go. A LOT of it will come out, because that's how life is. I think you will understand it more when you read this chapter, or at least, I hope you do. And again, I hope you stick with me.

I love all my readers/subscribers. Truly. It cheers me up to the highest amount when I see pms in my inbox, or reviews, or this story being recc'd on different websites. Thank you guys so much!

Next chapter is the NYE party! Who wants a NYE kiss from Edward, Jasper, or Emmett? *raises hands*

Reviews are better than Alice's generous offer to even up the score for Edward, with Jasper. :D