|Random Crackfics and Spoofs about Breaking Dawn
Author: theshowerciara PM
So, I'm trying to fix some of the plot holes BD gave us, so here's some total crackfic and spoofs. Includes Jasper eating Renee and Phil, and Tanya asking Edward to MARRY her!Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,695 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 01-18-09 - Published: 01-05-09 - id: 4772032
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A.N. – I'm continuing it! What happened at the bachelor party? Was there a strip club involved? Perhaps... For my fail trainers again, love you girlies!! Also for wifey, for rocking my socks off my feet and giving me encouragment!
Disclaimer - I really really wish I owned Twilight, but instead I own some great friends who I've made through fic!
"Jasper, where are we going?" Edward asked me. I didn't know, I was simply following Emmett, and Emmett had done a good enough job of hiding his thoughts from Edward that Edward was pissed at him.
"Um, Ed?" Emmett asked him. This was where the fun was about to begin.
"Yes, Emmett? What is it? Do you know where we're going, because if you do, I'd like to know!"
"Um, well, em, we're going to a vampirestripclubthatTanya'snowworkingat," Emmett tried to get the words out too fast for Edward to hear, but to no avail.
"WHAT? With my succubus ex-fiancée who wants to kill my current fiancée? Emmett, have you lost your mind? Wait, you never had one, did you? Of course not, you're Emmett McCarty Cullen. What was I thinking, you having a brain?"
"Ed, that's not fair!"
"Um, guys? We're here," I interuptted them before WW3 could start.
We walked into the esablishment, and took in the deplorable display of vampire flesh on show inside the run down shack. It was no more than a fancily named whore house, and I couldn't look up from the floor without seeing an eyeful of some disgusting succubus 'dancing' for want of a better word, in no more than her underwear.
"Edward, it's your last night of freedom. Make the most of it!" Emmett tried to get me to loosen up, but it was not going to happen.
"Emmett, I just want to go back to Bella's house and try to forget about here, please can I?" I almost begged my brother. Although Emmett was physically older than me, I was fifteen years older than himm and was never afraid to play the big brother card.
"Oh, Eddie-poo! You've come back for me! Yay! So, have you finally seen sense and dumped that human girl? Please say you have, it'd be great to be able to, get to know you, intimately." Tanya simpered up to me in a move that seemed practiced, and I didn't doubt that it had worked on many vampires before. She wrapped her leg around mine, and grabbed onto my shoulder.
"Tanya, I'm still involved with Bella. We're actually getting married tomorrow. You know that you and your family are invited, don't you?" I asked, trying to be polite.
"Yes, but I thought considering you had turned up here you had decided to get rid of the human bitch and finally get with a woman you deserve," She said, her voice turning venomous when she mentioned Bella. It was obvious that she still didn't like her, but I didn't particularly care about her feelings. Bella was who I wanted.
I turned to walk away, but an announcement stopped me in my tracks.
"And congratulations to Tanya, one of our preformers, who was just asked by Edward Cullen to marry her! Congratulations to Tanya and Edward. Edward is one of Carlisle Cullen's coven, and both are vegetarians." The rest of the announcement trailed off as I turned to Tanya, and saw her standing up at the announcer's booth.
"TANYA!" I screamed loudly. The entire club stopped to look at me.
"You know that I'm getting married tomorrow, and it's NOT to you. I'm marrying Bella, and I don't care what you think of my marraige, it's not your decision. I love Bella, by some miracle she loves me, and we'll be happy. We'll get married, I'll change her, and the happily ever after will be ours! Do you understand me? I DON'T LOVE YOU. I never have, I never will. You are my cousin, nothing more. Why do you keep persuing me when you know that I don't love you that way? Can you understand that?"
"But...I love you. I always have, I always will. Why is that so difficult to understand? Why do you want to be married to a human?"
"What? A vampire and a human? Do the Volturi know this?" A nomad I knew vaguely stood up. His name was Garrett, and he was involved in the War Of Independence.
"Yes, they do, Garrett. They know that she knows all about my world, and I'm going to change her after our honeymoon. Aro is well aware of our plans, and has given us his blessing. Is that alright?"
"Of course, Edward. You know that I trust your judgment,"
I turned to walk out of there, my brothers behind me. When we were around a mile away from the strip club, I turned to my brothers.
"If you EVER tell Bella about this, I will rip you up and I will burn your penises, do you understand me?" I asked.
They visibly gulped, and I knew that they understood me loud and clear.