|Twilight, but better
Author: Zombies8Me PM
The title says it all.Rated: Fiction K - English - Parody/Humor - Bella & Edward - Chapters: 5 - Words: 12,204 - Reviews: 62 - Favs: 35 - Follows: 7 - Updated: 02-24-10 - Published: 01-07-09 - Status: Complete - id: 4777617
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Twilight. I am just a loser.
I never gave much thought to how I would die. Even though I'm dating a vampire who told me he almost killed me about twenty times, or when that one guy started chasing me across the continental US, or when I was almost crushed by a van, or the time I nearly got killed when I was, very wisely, walking the streets of a dark town totally unprotected because I'm just so smart!
Hi. I'm Bella Swan. (Please pay no attention to the fact that my initials are BS.) So I moved to Forks, this dinky little town that's always wet. (The perfect place to find hot, immortal guys who lust for my blood). Of course Forks is like a giant toilet bowl, slowly flushing me down the drain.
So I went to school right? And all these (ugly) guys (who were so not worthy of me) were all being creeps by, like, being nice to me! But anyway, I then saw this table full of pale white pretty people! Pretty enough to even be worthy of me!
But then the brown haired one (the prettiest) was all "I'm going to keel you!"
And I was all "Oh I love you too!" so other boring stuff happened, and I was in a parking lot and this retard driver came driving like a maniac. During the boring stuff I found out that Edward was a vampire! So to prove it to the world, exposing him, and forcing him family to go back into hiding, so he would love me, I jumped out in front of the car.
"Edward!" I called sweetly, like snow white…because I'm pale get it? It was like pale, and snow white was, like pale, and yeah never mind.
Suddenly everyone was screaming my name telling me to move or something.
"Edward!" I screamed. "You retard, get over here and save my life!"
I woke up in a hospital, with all these cords and stuff to feed me and keep my alive and—whoa! Forget Edward! I want his undead dad!
"Bella! You idiot! What in tar-nation ya' doin'!" My dad, the tobacco chewing, beer drinking white trash was—
"Hey Bella, ya do bein' knowin' that I can read all that there naratin' ya' doin'?" He spat tobacco juice in Carlisle's face. "Well, if it ain't purdy boy, comin' out to play wit the big dogs!"
Carlisle soured his face. "I really hate you, and if you weren't in the fourth book, I would KILL you right now!"
"Bella you idiot, what is wrong with you?" Edwards silky voice floated to me.
"Why didn't you save me you jerk?" I whined, throwing myself into his arms. He pushed me down.
"Bella, for some reason I love you, but you're a human and I am going to kill you if we're near each other. Could you risk your life, the lives of your friends, father, mother, step-father, and the happiness of my family for your own reasons until New Moon when I will leave you for some vampire girl who is so much better looking than you, but I accidentally kill?"
I stared at him. It's like he's trying to speak to me. I know it! But his words are too long for my poor pretty ears…which are pretty by the way.
"By accident of course. But I was real sorry about it later…well not really, but let's pretend." I blinked, confused. "Do you want to almost kill everyone you care about?"
"Psh! I don't like anybody. You're missing the point. Everyone likes me. I don't like them."
"By the way Bella, I'm a sadistic, murderous, blood-sucking, jerk who reads people minds and sells their personal information on the Internet…oh and I'll probably end up killing you, but until then we can be all like dating and stuff."
"Yeah that sounds like fun. Let's do that then!"
Where was I? Oh yeah, sickeningly fake romance stuff. So we were playing baseball…or they were playing baseball. I was just watching, and I forgot which one I loved, because they were all so pretty! But Rosalie was stupid and so jealous of me!
"Hey Bella! I heard you got an A on the test! Good job!" she smiled.
"Shut up Rosalie! I hate you! I wish you would—Hi Emmett!" I called, being pretty.
Then Alice started jumping up and down screaming, and hyperventilating. "Everyone! Everyone! Listen to me! I have news! Big big news! Listen! This is life changing!"
"Hey, I hear Alice can see into the future." Jasper told Emmett.
"Should we listen to her?"
He thought about that. "Nah."
"No guys! Guys! This is important! Bella's going to almost die!" she cried.
Everyone laughed. "Oh please! Now that the girl with the super good smelling blood is always with ravenous vampires, she's perfectly safe! It's not like she's almost died when Edward was there!"
"Ha ha! Yeah what next?" Esme asked. "The stupid twit jumps off a cliff, so Edward, the *cough* emo, will try to get himself killed, then those annoying twits at La Push, which is a dumb name by the way, are actually werewolves. Then Bella endangers all of Forks because she brings a ton of new vampires here led by one vampire who wants her dead, then marries Edward, has a freak baby, who makes a werewolf fall in love with her. *Cough* pedophile, and has a long boring build up to the final which ends when another freak baby comes to tell everyone about his poor pathetic life?"
Everyone stared at her.
Then Carlisle laughed. "Psh! That sounds like Stephanie Meyer trash! Please! Who'd read that?"
"No! Look! James, Victoria and Laurent are right there! They can hear you!" Alice pointed, jumping up and down.
"Yeah, and then they make a movie out of it! Hey Edward! They'd probably have a loser who died in a HARRY POTTER movie play you! Cause you're a loser!" Emmett yelled.
"Hello?" James asked, waiting for his entrance.
"Yeah, well you're married to the psychotic blond!" Edward yelled back, shoving him in the chest.
"Yeah well your girl friend is a monotone, Mary Sue-ish, idiotic, brunette, daughter of a cop who's constantly taking drugs and using them, who nearly killed off everyone in the state of Washington!"
"Hey! I'm sitting right here!" I said prettily. (Cause I'm pretty, just in case you didn't catch that.)
"Yeah, and she narrates like a retard. So I'm doing the rest of the story!"
"Hey you can't do that!"
"I just did. Watch."
We were in the meadow where I kicked butts playing baseball. I totally beat my wife, who is totally hot by the way. Because I'm so strong. Because I have biceps to kill for. Because I'm freaking awesome.
"Emmett! Shut up!" Jasper shoved him, making him feel like a dead squirrel.
"Hey! 'Dead Squirrel isn't an emotion!" Edward whined.
"Is now, Huffle Puffian!"
We all gasped. For a vampire to bring up Harry Potter, especially Hufflepuff!
"Avada Kedavra!" Voldemort popped out of nowhere, eyes crossed, and disappeared.
"That…made no sense," Jacob told Bella.
"Jacob! You're not in the story until New Moon," Bella whined.
"Hey whose telling the story now?"
I am you morons.
"And who are you?"
Your mom, you fool.
"…Wow. Really?" Rosalie asked.
No moron. But I'm sick of vampires now, so we're skipping to the end.
"You can't do that! No one will know what's going on!"
Bella had just walked through the doors of the ballet studio. "Mom?"
"Yes?" James answered, trying to sound sweet.
"Don't answer to 'Mom,' it's not manly." Victoria, who had just appeared, shoved him.
"Hey, go away! You aren't the bad guy till the next book where you try to avenge me!" He tried to push her out of the scene.
"Why would I want to avenge you? No offense, but you're kind of an idiot."
"Shut up and leave."
"But if we fight together, we can kill her!"
"No. I'm sorry Victoria." (Cue the violins and heroic music). "Because you see my dearest…Well, dear love. My only…Well one of my favorite loves. Because you see, that is just what they'd be expecting us to do. Oh, and plus, you're annoying and couldn't kill a police chief."
And poof! She was gone! Like magic! Like *cough* Harry Potter magic.
"Bella. Why, may I ask, didn't you come with the vampires?" James asked when he saw Bella, skipping through the halls.
"You told me not to," she defended.
"You are so stupid!" He rubbed his temples. "I'm the bad guy. I tell lies. You aren't supposed to believe me! Please tell me you at least tried calling your mother before you ran over here."
"Uh nope!" she resounded happily.
"Ugh." He put his head in his hand. "This is so lame."
"You are lame!" she defended.
"Why didn't you bring any vampires at all?"
"Oh…if you want me to, I can go get them."
"No, it's too late now. *Cough* idiot. So now I'm going to break your bones and inflict massive amounts of pain upon your person."
Then Edward burst into the scene. "Aw, dang it Alice! I told you we shouldn't have stopped for burgers. Look Bella's dead already! Oh well. Hand me a Whopper."
"Edward! You jerk! I'm not dead! And you're vampires! You don't eat burgers!"
Edward glanced between the burger and Bella. "Ooooooooh. Riiiiiiiiight."
"This is boring. So I'm just going to bite Bella." And James did.
"You fiend! Now she'll be immortal and I'll have to put up with her…forever!" It was right about then that he started weeping.
"Then suck the poison out. And could you hurry up and kill me? I'm sick of all the Facebook flairs girls are making, saying they'll be my snack, or they'll be my Victoria, who is really kind of a creeper." And poof! Harry Potter made him disappear too.
Edward and Bella had been left alone, because the others…Well they kind of wanted Bella to die…(She was really annoying.)
Edward looked deep into her chocolate brown eyes, and whispered in his silky voice. "Bella, I can suck the poison out."
"Yeah, you do suck."
"Oh shut up and die."
Aren't I wonderful? (You were all thinking it you know!)
Edited by Poseida Lunar
copyright Zombies8Me 1/8/09