Harry Butt-head

Harry Butt-head and The Sorcerer's Stones

Cast:

Butt-head – Harry Potter
Beavis – Ron Weasley
Daria – Hermione Granger
David Van Driessen – Albus Dumbledore
Buzzcut – Severus Snape
McVicker – "Lord Vickermorte"
Mr. and Mrs. Graham – The Dursleys
Todd – Dudley Dursley
Tom Anderson – Hagrid
The Morgendorffers – The Weasleys
Quinn – Ginny
Mr. Manners – Quirrell
Mrs. Dickie – Professor McGonagall
Stewart Stevenson – Neville
Dean Zunker(fat brown-haired kid with glasses) – Dean Thomas
Draco Malfoy as himself

And since I couldn't think of any equivalents for Fred and George, some of their antics will also be taken up by Beavis and Butt-head

Part I

"I'm sorry sir," Mr. Graham told the strange-looking man in the robes. "But I don't believe in those things."

It had been the third time that day he'd run into one of these strange individuals. The way they dressed and talked was most unusual. Almost as if they were returning from a Dungeons and Dragons convention.

"But my dear fellow!" the robed man insisted. "Today marks the defeat of you-know-who! Surely this is cause for celebration, even for a Muggle such as yourself!"

"Um, I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about," Mr. Graham inched away from him. "Anyways, I have to go now…"

He was glad to get away. These strange occurrences of the day were bothersome to him indeed, from strange people greeting him so warmly on the streets to a cat reading a map. There was no doubt in his mind that sinister forces were at work here.

A few blocks later, he reached his home. Highland, Texas was a small, humble town, unfettered by the hustle of bigger cities. And it was something he liked to preserve. Its small town setting, combined with its moral Christian upbringing and natural desire to maintain law and order was right up Mr. Graham's alley.

"Hey honey, I'm home!" he announced.

"Glad to see you're back, dear!" Mrs. Graham greeted him.

"And I'm sure glad to be back," Mr. Graham exclaimed. "You wouldn't believe the stuff I saw today!"

David Van Driessen had always been the understanding type. That was one of the reasons he ascended to the position of Headmaster at Hogwarts. Though he was an American citizen and Hogwarts was in Scotland, the impression he lent to the school enabled him to propel himself forward and gain his current status.

In addition to being a master sorcerer, he was keen on ascertaining exactly how his students felt and was always ready to help address the source of their troubles. This was how he had lent himself to such a successful teaching career. He was as good as a counselor was he was a teacher and a Headmaster.

From the trash can, a cat leaped off and magically transformed into a woman.

"Are you certain about this?" asked Mrs. Dickie. "Leaving him to a family who won't appreciate his true talents?"

Mrs. Dickie was Assistant Headmistress of Hogwarts. Looking at the cradle in Van Driessen's arms, she only shook her head.

"I don't entirely like Butt-head being raised by such a narrow-minded family," Van Driessen explained. "But this is for the best, mmkay?"

"Well howdy there, Mr. Van Driessen!"

A flying motorcycle from the sky descended to the spot where Van Driessen and Mrs. Dickie stood. A tall, clean-shaven man emerged, taking off his helmet to reveal an elderly face.

"Mr. Anderson," Van Driessen greeted. "It's nice to see you."

"Well shucks," Anderson rubbed his temple. "I guess it's been a while too."

"Do you have the proper address?" asked Mrs. Dickie.

"Sure do," Tom Anderson replied.

"And where did you get such a nice vehicle?" asked Van Driessen.

"Well, I borrowed it from my old buddy Harry Sachz," Anderson told them. "I'll have to have it back to him by next week."

"So where is this house?" asked Mrs. Dickie.

Anderson pulled out his directions and squinted until he could see where he was. Finally, he found it.

"Should be down next block…" Tom Anderson walked over there. "The address is right here."

He walked up towards the doorbell with cradle in hand. So far, the baby was sound asleep. And that was an encouraging sign.

Anderson rang the door bell, then left. He did his job. The rest was up to fate.

11 Years Later…

"Butt-head?" Mr. Graham called upstairs.

"Uhh… coming!"

A full five minutes later, Butt-head came down the steps. At the door were the Grahams and Todd, who looked none too pleased with his tardiness.

"It's about time, squirt!" Todd crossed his arm.

"Now Butt-head," Mr. Graham told him. "We're going to be going to the zoo today. I want you to be on your best behavior and for the love of God, please don't engage in any strange acts."

"Uh, okay," Butt-head promised. To Mr. Graham, however, the promise did not sound sincere.

The family walked outside and got into their car. Before Butt-head could enter, however, Todd grabbed him from behind by both his shorts and his collar.

"In you go, punk!" Todd threw Butt-head into the backseats rather violently.

"Uhhh!" Butt-head cried out.

"I'm sorry, did you need help putting on your seatbelt?" Todd taunted.

"No thanks Todd," Butt-head replied hastily. "I'm doing just fine, huh huh."

"Good, now buckle up!" Todd growled.

With both hands, Todd grabbed onto Butt-head's seat belt and tightened it to an extreme degree, cutting off circulation to his younger "brother." Butt-head's face turned red but he could do nothing. When he was sure Todd was no longer looking, Butt-head quickly loosened the seatbelt so that he could breathe again.

"Man, this reptile house is boring!" Todd complained as he and Butt-head leaned on the rail that separated them from the glass which housed the anaconda.

"I dunno about that Todd," Butt-head said. "That snake is pretty long! Huh huh, long…"

"I'm gonna go grab a soda," Todd said to Butt-head. "Stay right here and don't go anywhere or else I'll kick your ass!"

"Uh, okay, huh huh huh!"

"Hello, Butt-head…"

"Wait a minute, did that snake just talk to me or something?" Butt-head looked up.

"Yes I did," the anaconda nodded.

"Uh, are you, like, hungry?" asked Butt-head.

"Yes, hungry for my freedom!" the snake replied.

"Okay, huh huh huh!"

In an instant, the glass vanished. The anaconda slithered out, much to the horror of all the other zoo-goers. Mass panic soon followed as people stampeded out of the reptile house. It wasn't long before Todd returned. With drink in hand, he came in looking rather confused.

"Just what the hell made those people run like that?" Todd demanded.

"Uh, I think they went to see the monkeys, huh huh huh!"

"Oh, you think you're funny, eh?" Todd grabbed Butt-head and lifted him up. "We'll see how funny it is after I'm done with you!"

In his anger, Todd did not notice the giant anaconda slither up from behind him. Without warning, it struck, wrapping itself around the young man.

"Oh shi—" Todd croaked.

The anaconda began its death grip on Todd, slowly allowing its tendrils to tighten around him, cutting off circulation and air.

"Oh no!" a security guard ran up, speaking into his mic. "We need backup immediately!"

"Huh huh huh!" Butt-head chuckled. "That snake wants Todd!"

"Butt-head, I'm very disappointed in you!" Mr. Graham said to his adopted son. "We wanted to raise you in an upright, Christian household and this is how you repay us? With black magic and occultism?"

"Your father and I have decided to ground you for what you did!" Mrs. Graham stated.

"Uh, what did I do again?" Butt-head asked in his typical clueless fashion.

"You almost got me killed, that's what, twerp!" Todd limped towards Butt-head. "Now I'm gonna repay the favor!"

"Todd, I don't think it's a good idea for you to be getting up right now," Mr. Graham insisted. "That evil snake nearly crushed all the bones in your body!"

"Well, it'll still be worth it once I kick this little punk's ass!" Todd raised his fist as Butt-head stood there.

Before Todd could strike, however, a gigantic flurry of envelopes erupted from the mail opening on the door. The onslaught of mail struck Todd all at once, knocking him against the wall before he could lay a hand on Butt-head.

"Ugh…" Todd groaned.

"Uh, huh huh huh huh!"

Strangely enough, Mr. Graham seemed to recognize those letters.

"Oh no…" he said nervously.

"Dear, what are you thinking?" asked Mrs. Graham.

"Pack your bags!" Mr. Graham ordered everyone. "We're leaving this house tonight!"

Staying at such a cheap motel had not been part of the plan, but under the circumstances, it was the only thing Mr. Graham could think of after several hours of driving. He had brought along his wife, along with his two sons Todd and Butt-head.

All he could think about the whole time was to get away from those letters and the people sending them.

"Dear, did we really have to drive out so far?" asked Mrs. Graham.

"Yeah, this place sucks!" Todd declared.

"Yeah, this sucks!" Butt-head echoed.

"Watch it!" Mr. Graham warned both Todd and Butt-head. "I won't hear any foul language in this family!"

"Yeah, whatever," Todd muttered.

A sudden knock at the door made Mr. Graham leap. After reminding himself that he was out in the middle of nowhere and that there was no way for more of those letters to come in, he walked up and opened up.

"Well howdy there!" a large man walked through the door.

"Who are you?"

"Shucks, I'm the groundskeeper of Hogwarts," the man replied. "Tom Anderson, pleased to meet ya."

"Hogwarts?" Mr. Graham stepped back. "Butt-head… those letters…"

"Hey there, boy!" Tom Anderson waved at Butt-head. "Betcha didn't get to read any of 'em thanks to these here muggles!"

"Muggle?" Mr. Graham looked infuriated.

"Huh huh huh, muggle… uh, what's a muggle?"

"Muggles are folks who can't do magic," Anderson pointed at the Grahams. "Like these people here."

"Listen man," Todd warned Anderson. "I don't know who you are but if you don't get the hell out of here, I'm gonna make you!"

"Don't badmouth me, boy!" Anderson took out his wand. "Or so help me, I'll teach you to respect the name of Tom Anderson!"

"Uh, what're you doing with that stick in your hand?" asked Butt-head. "Huh huh, stick…"

"You think that little twig scares me?" Todd smiled and got out the baseball bat he had sitting on top of his bed.

"Huh huh huh! Todd has the bigger stick!"

"Expelliarmus!"

The next thing everyone knew, Todd's body was sent hurtling into the wall. Groaning in pain, he slid down onto his stomach.

"Whoa, cool!" Butt-head exclaimed. "How'd you do that?"

"Just a little something called magic, son," Anderson smiled. "Think you're ready to learn it?"

"Uh, okay!" Butt-head agreed.

"Good," Mr. Anderson stared at the Grahams. "Any objections?"

None of them had anything to say.

"Then it's settled," Anderson declared firmly.

At Diagon Alley the next day…

"Uh, so do I get to, like, do card tricks or something?" asked Butt-head as he and Anderson strolled down the lane.

"I'm afraid you've misinterpreted what I said, boy," Anderson huffed. "Doing magic ain't like doing parlor tricks. This is the real deal, ya got me?"

"So, like, can I, you know… put someone in a box, cut them into pieces, and put them back together again?" asked Butt-head.

Anderson sighed exasperatedly. The whole time Butt-head had been talking about magic like it was some kind of game. There was no end to the kind of questions the boy had been asking from whether or not Hogwarts could teach him simple card tricks to whether or not David Blaine's magic tricks were real.

"I'm afraid you've missed the point of magic," Anderson tried to explain calmly. "You see, in the wizarding world, magic is more than just a deck of cards. It's a way of life."

"Uh, okay, so can I, like, use it to score?" asked Butt-head.

Anderson thought about it momentarily before answering.

"Well, I'm afraid where you're gonna attend school, Hogwarts doesn't allow students to use love potions."

"Whoa, love potions? Cool!"

Anderson sighed again. "I probably shouldn't have told you that."

"Uh, can we, like, go buy some love potions?"

"No, we're here to go to Gringotts and then pick up school supplies!" Anderson said firmly.

"Come on, dude!" insisted Butt-head. "I wanna, like, go make some chicks fall in love with me, huh huh huh!"

Tom Anderson facepalmed.

In just a matter of weeks, Butt-head was prepared. Anderson helped him retrieve his gold and silver from Gringotts. Also, his backpack was now full with spell books, a wand, and other miscellaneous school supplies. For all this, Butt-head only had one thing to say.

"Uh, this sucks!"

At the train station, Mr. Graham was there with him, dreading the moment the train would come to take him to Scotland.

"Now Butt-head, before you go, there's one thing I want to give you."

"Uh, sure."

Mr. Graham handed Butt-head a Holy Bible.

"When you get there, be sure to tell those heathens who's boss!" Mr. Graham ordered.

"Uh, okay, huh huh huh!"

The truth of the matter was that Butt-head had read very little of the Bible. Sure, there were a few general stories he knew that everyone was aware of, from Noah's Ark to Jonah and the whale… but Butt-head's understanding of the scripture did not go much deeper than that. It didn't help matters either that he usually fell asleep whenever the Grahams tried taking him to Sunday services.

As Mr. Graham walked off, a new person came up to him. It was a blonde boy who appeared to be just a bit shorter than Butt-head. It soon became apparent that he was also a Hogwarts student. The fact that he was picking his own nose with his wand was gave it away.

"Hey, I'm Beavis, heh heh."

"Uh, and I'm Butt-head, huh huh huh!"

"You going to Hogwarts?" asked Beavis.

"Yeah, I'm gonna learn magic!"

"Me too, heh heh!"

"Hogwarts better not be an all-boys school!" stated Butt-head. "There better be some chicks there!"

"Yeah, chicks rule!"

A few feet away, a few new guests had arrived. It was an entire family consisting of the father, the mother, and two daughters.

"All set, Daria?" asked Jake Morgendorffer.

"Ready as always," Daria said passively.

"That's good, dear," Helen Morgendorffer embraced Daria. "Enjoy yourself now!"

"Who are those dorks?" asked Butt-head.

"Um, I think that one girl's going to Hogwarts too," Beavis told Butt-head.

"Really? That sucks!"

"Yeah really, heh heh heh!"

"What's she going to be learning?" joked Butt-head. "The College of Virgin Studies?"

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Huh huh huh huh!"

After having boarded the train, both Beavis and Butt-head were both in awe as the train took to the sky, flying above the clouds and the Atlantic Ocean. Neither of them was prepared for something as miraculous as this.

"Beavis, this is one of the coolest things I have ever seen," said Butt-head.

"Yeah, heh heh! Flying rules!"

"So, like, got any food?"

"Um, I think so," Beavis scratched his head.

"Then get it out already, bunghole!" ordered Butt-head.

"Okay, heh heh!"

Reaching inside his bag, Beavis got out some chocolate frogs.

"Uh, what's this crap?" asked Butt-head.

"Chocolate frogs," Beavis recommended. "You should try some, Butt-head!"

One of the frogs leaped out onto Butt-head's face, causing him to fall back onto his seat, in a temporary lapse of courage.

"What the hell was that?"

"Um, you need to, like, grab it first or something," Beavis chewed on his frog.

"Come back here, buttwipe!" Butt-head lounged for the frog, which was already on the floor hopping away.

Suddenly, a figure stood in front of their cabin as the frog hopped past her and away to safety.

"Uh, who are you?" asked Butt-head.

"Name's Daria," the girl replied.

"Daria… Daria… Dar… Dia… Diarrhea, heh heh heh!" Beavis laughed.

"Huh huh huh!"

"Yeah, very funny guys," Daria rolled her eyes.

"Uh, what do you want?" demanded Butt-head.

"I just had to come see it for myself," Daria told them. "So you're the famous Harry Butt-head."

"Uh, yeah."

"Harry… heh heh heh heh heh!"

"How'd you, like, find out?" asked Butt-head.

"Oh, everyone on this train is talking about you," Daria informed them. "You're pretty well known in the wizarding community."

"Uh, I am?"

"When we get to Hogwarts, you can go see for yourself," Daria told him.

"Okay, huh huh!"

"You know, from what I've read of you, I thought you were supposed to have a lightning bolt-shaped scar on your forehead," Daria said curiously.

"It's actually not on my head," Butt-head told her.

"Really? Where is—" Daria said before suddenly pausing. "You know what… I'm not even going to ask."

"Uh, you sure you don't wanna ask?" Butt-head looked at her suggestively.

"Positive," Daria walked away. "Anyways, see you around Hogwarts."

"I think she wanted you, Butt-head," Beavis jeered.

"Yeah, but what chick doesn't?" Butt-head smiled cockily.

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Huh huh huh huh huh!"

Finally, the journey was at its end. The train landed on the school grounds of Hogwarts. It was like a giant castle, easily towering over them with its magnificent architecture. Even Daria was noticeably impressed from the gaze on her face.

"Uh, are we, like out of the country now?" asked Butt-head.

"Um, I think so," Beavis replied.

"Hello students," a middle aged lady walked up to the front gates. "I am Mrs. Dickie, Assistant Headmistress to Headmaster David Van Driessen. Welcome to Hogwarts, everyone!"

"Huh huh huh, Dickie…"

With a gesture, Mrs. Dickie led them into the castle and through the corridors. As they neared the banquet hall, the Assistant Headmistress first went to the side to discuss things with a few other teachers.

"Hey guys, how's it going?" a short stocky boy walked up to Beavis and Butt-head.

"Uh, okay, I guess."

"My name is Stewart Stevenson. Pleased to meet you! Who are you guys?"

"I'm Beavis."

"I'm Butt-head."

"Whoa!" Stewart was shocked. "The Harry Butt-head?"

"Yeah, now go away," Butt-head shooed Stewart.

"Haha, you're such a great kidder!" Stewart laughed.

"No, we're serious, Stewart," Butt-head told him.

"I'll take care of that for you."

From behind, two nasty looking boys grabbed Stewart and threw him away. From their center was a young blonde male with his hair slicked back. To the side of his face was an arrogant smirk. It was easy to tell that he was from a wizarding family of great importance. Though… to Beavis and Butt-head, he was just another butthole.

"I couldn't help overhearing," he told them. "How you're the great and mighty Harry Butt-head."

"Uh, yeah," Butt-head said plainly.

"Someone like you has a lot of potential indeed," Draco told Butt-head. "You know it and I know it."

"Uh, okay."

"Are these your lackeys?" Draco asked, pointing towards Daria, Beavis, and Stewart.

"Uh, sure."

"You'll soon find out that some wizarding families are better than others, Butt-head. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there."

"What do you mean by that?" asked Butt-head.

"It's simple," Draco smiled. "I believe you and I can be good friends."

"Uh, and I think you're a dork!" Butt-head exclaimed.

"Excuse me?" Draco demanded.

"Isn't this guy a dork, Beavis?" Butt-head.

"Yeah, he is!" Beavis agreed. "He's a bigger dork than Stewart!"

"What?" Draco's face turned red.

"This Draco dude likes to act cool when he's really not," Butt-head said to Beavis. "Uh, huh huh huh!"

"Yeah, he sucks! He sucks! Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"You'll come to regret this," Draco growled. With a great deal of restraint, he managed not to raise his hand to signal Crabbe and Goyle to beat the duo up. Without another word, he walked off.

"Wow, thanks for sticking up for me like that, guys," Stewart told them.

"Uh, just because that dude was a bigger dork than you doesn't make you any less of a dork…" Butt-head grimaced.

Soon enough, the entire banquet hall was filled. Both Beavis and Butt-head were eager to begin their meals, though the time wasn't quite right yet. A long-haired man in a wizarding outfit went up to the stage to speak.

"Hello class, I am Headmaster David Van Driessen. I know each and every one of you here is a unique individual and I would like the opportunity to encourage your growth, both in academics and in self-esteem. In fact, this year, I'd like to start up a new—"

"Uh, what's that guy talking about?" Butt-head asked.

"I don't know," Beavis said. "But it's boring!"

"Yeah, we really need to start eating now!"

After ten minutes or so, Van Driessen finished his speech. Soon after that, dinner was served and both Beavis and Butt-head made sure to help themselves to extras.

"Uh, this school may suck," Butt-head told Beavis between chomps. "But the food here is, like, pretty good."

"Yeah, heh heh!"

"Hello, boys!" a spectre of a man appeared from underneath the table, nearly causing Stewart to fall back and wet his pants.

"Whoa! This dude just appeared out of nowhere!"

"My name is Sir Nicholas! Pleased to meet you!"

"Are you, like, a ghost or something?" Beavis questioned.

"Why yes I am!"

"I know you, you're Nearly Headless Nick!" Dean exclaimed.

"Cool!" Butt-head's eyes widened. "So you can, like, float into the girls' showers and stuff?"

Though he was an apparition, Nearly Headless Nick's face suddenly turned into a ghostly shade of red.

"Well, I err, that is… um… heh… I… huh huh… well… heh heh heh… hee hee hee hee hee!"

"Huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Attention everyone!" Van Driessen called out. "Now is the time for students to be sorted into their houses!"

"Sorted into what?" Butt-head seemed confused.

"This means you'll be sorted into a different school house," Daria explained. "There's Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin."

One after another, the students lined up until it was down to Draco, Stewart, Daria, Beavis, and Butt-head.

"Hello, good sir!" the Sorting Hat announced to Draco as he placed the hat on top of himself. "Quite a cunning fellow, aren't you? Slytherin!"

"That's how I like it," Draco walked off grinning.

Stewart was the next to try it on.

"Judging from your personality, you'd fit in quite well with Hufflepuff. After all, who can be as bland, inoffensive, and as boring as a Hufflepuff? But you're a special case, young man! I put you in Gryffindor!"

"Umm… thanks, I think," Stewart walked away confused.

Then Daria stepped up.

"Quite the formidable intellect you've got, young lady!" the hat announced. "Depending on how you use your intelligence, you'd make either a good fit in Ravenclaw or in Slytherin!"

"I'd like Ravenclaw please," Daria said.

"Nope, sorry! Gryffindor!"

"What?" Daria demanded.

"Hey, I'd love to place you in Ravenclaw, but the story demands that you help out the main protagonist as much as possible! Otherwise, he wouldn't last an entire book! Next!"

Daria stormed off just as Beavis walked up.

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Hmm," the Sorting Hat peered deep into Beavis's head. "Not much going on upstairs, is there?"

"Not really, heh heh!" Beavis smiled.

"To be honest, I can't think of a single good school that would fit you!" admitted the Sorting Hat. "But since I have to choose in the end, let's go with Gryffindor!"

Now it was Butt-head's turn. Everyone was looking up at him in anticipation as gossip began floating about the room about how this was the legendary Harry Butt-head.

"Huh huh huh huh huh!"

"You've got a dirty mind and a sadistic love of seeing others, particularly that Beavis lad, suffer!" the Sorting Hat told him. "Believe me… you'd make a great Slytherin! But lucky for you, I believe fate has something different in store for you! Gryffindor!"

Several seconds passed but Butt-head still did not take off the Sorting Hat. Everyone in the audience stood there silently, waiting for something to happen.

"Um, you can put me down now," the hat told Butt-head.

"Uh, I'm not done with you yet!" Butt-head who turned the hat upside down and reached inside its opening.

"Stop!" the hat demanded. "What're you doing?"

"Trying to pull a rabbit out of your anus!" Butt-head told him.

"Rabbits? I don't have any rabbits in me!"

"Damn it!" Butt-head exclaimed.

David Van Driessen walked up to Butt-head.

"I have to admit," Van Driessen confessed. "I thought your bolt-shaped scar was located on your forehead."

"Uh, it's actually on my butt!"

The entire audience gasped. Butt-head saw this as his cue. Gripping both sides of his shorts, he pulled them down, revealing the scar on his left butt-cheek. It was at this moment that the girls went wild and the guys laughed like crazy. Van Driessen had to quickly catch Mrs. Dickie who fainted from seeing Butt-head moon the entire audience.

Butt-head did not immediately pull up his pants.

"Uh, there's another trick I have!" he told the entire audience and suddenly, without warning, placed the Sorting Hat on his buttocks.

"What?" the hat shouted. "What are you doing? I demand that you take me off of your rear right now, you hooligan!"

"Hey look!" Butt-head pointed towards the Sorting Hat on his butt. "I'm talking out of my ass!"

"Put me down this instant!"

It took forever that night for the audience laughter to die down.

The next day came all too soon. The first class on their schedule was Transfigurations. Neither of the duo really knew what it was, though.

"What is this class about?" asked Beavis.

"Uh, we'll find out or something," Butt-head shrugged.

As the boys took their seats, they noticed a cat sitting on top of the teacher's desk.

"What's that pussy cat doing here?" asked Dean.

"Huh huh huh, pussy cat!"

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

Without warning, the cat leaped off the desk and transformed into Mrs. Dickie.

"Good evening class," she told them. "Here you will learn the art of Transfiguration, the changing of the forms and appearances of objects."

Daria raised her hand.

"So theoretically we can change a desk into a stampeding rhino?" asked Daria.

"Theoretically yes," Mrs. Dickie. "But such complex spells will require much hard work and discipline!"

"Uh, I'm gonna turn Beavis into a schlong!" Butt-head took out his hand.

"Hey, cut it out, Butt-head!" Beavis protested, dodging a swing of Butt-head's wand.

"Harry Butt-head!" Mrs. Dickie warned. "Behave yourself!"

Finally, Butt-head's wand made contact with Beavis, turning him into a monkey. In his monkey form, Beavis ran around screaming and shouting incoherently.

"My word…" Mrs. Dickie was impressed. "Your magical abilities are impressive."

"Yeah, I'm pretty damn good!" Butt-head puffed up his chest.

"However, because of your reckless action in my class without my prior permission to perform Transfiguration, I'll be forced to discipline you!" Mrs. Dickie warned.

Before Mrs. Dickie could elaborate further on the punishment, Beavis leaped onto her desk and grabbed a mug, throwing it. The mug struck Butt-head across the head and floored him.

"Ugh!" Butt-head cried before falling.

"Hmm, nevermind," Mrs. Dickie relented. "Beavis seems to have done my job for me."

While walking into his second class of potions, Butt-head had a noticeably large bruise on his head. Beavis simply looked at it and chuckled.

"You know something, Butt-head," Beavis told him. "If the teacher didn't change me back, I would've, like, flung my own poo and stuff, heh heh!"

"Shut up, Beavis!" ordered Butt-head. "You, like, gave me a concussion or something.

The duo quickly sat down as a stern, unwavering man with muscles bulging walked inside.

"Greetings class!" Coach Buzzcut shouted. "In my potions class, I expect no less from you than one hundred and ten percent of your effort!"

The class looked on apathetically.

"Do I make myself clear?" shouted Buzzcut.

Everyone immediately straightened up and paid attention.

"That's better!" Buzzcut nodded. "Now, before we begin, I'd like to take roll. You will address me as with the formality as any teacher would receive!"

"Yes, Professor Buzzcut!" the class echoed.

"Dean Zunker!" Buzzcut yelled.

"Here, sir!"

"Stewart Stevenson!"

"Here, sir!"

"Harry Butt—Harry Butt-head?"

"Uh, yeah," Butt-head answered.

Buzzcut walked over to Butt-head. He had an indescribable look on his face.

"Well now," Buzzcut sneered finally. "If it isn't our latest celebrity!"

"Uh, I'm famous?" asked Butt-head.

"Yes you are!" Buzzcut told him. "But in this class, try not to let it get to your cranium! I still expect the same discipline and mental aptitude from you as I would any other student! Do I make myself clear?"

"Uhhh…"

"Do I make myself clear?" Buzzcut shouted.

"Uh, yes sir!" Butt-head quickly shouted.

"Heh heh, this teacher's scaring you!" Beavis laughed.

"Shut up, Beavis!" Butt-head turned to the blonde.

"Butt-head!" Buzzcut shouted. "You will look at me when I'm talking to you, not your fellow classmates!"

Butt-head did so reluctantly.

"Since you seem so eager to strut your stuff, why don't we test you on your knowledge of potions?" Buzzcut suggested, taking out two capsules. "Demonstrate to me your knowledge of creating an elixir to induce euphoria!"

"Uhh…" Butt-head stared at the potion.

"Do it, boy!" Buzzcut spat.

"Uh, abra… cadabra?" Butt-head tapped his wand on the potion.

The ensuing explosion sent Butt-head flying into the ceiling overhead before falling down with a thud. Raising his now-charred face, Butt-head coughed.

"Haha!" Buzzcut laughed. "I can tell you're going to be taking Remedial Potions with me next year!"

"Heh heh heh!" Beavis laughed. "You blew yourself up!"

Beavis and Butt-head were now outside in the courtyards receiving lessons on how to fly on broomsticks.

"Shut up Beavis!" Butt-head told him. "You would've done the same!"

"Nice job you did in Potions," Draco walked up to them.

"Uh, go away," Butt-head told him.

"Yeah, you suck!" echoed Beavis.

"Sorry, but a Pure-Blood Slytherin of my stature doesn't take orders from ruffians," Draco grinned.

"What's a pure-blood?" asked Beavis.

"Beats me," shrugged Butt-head.

Draco sighed. "You know, the quality of this school's really gone downhill since you American exchange students arrived! Back in the day before Van Driessen arrived, this school had actual standards!"

"Uh, Van Driessen's a dork!" Butt-head grimaced.

"You know, for once we agree on something…" Draco nodded.

"Hey Butt-head, check it out!" Beavis mounted his broomstick, finally floating into the air. "I'm, like, floating now, heh heh!"

"Let me give it a try, Beavis…"

Butt-head mounted his broomstick and gave it a good kick of two. Without warning, the stick blasted into the air, much further than any other student had gone up. Completing several mid-air twirls, Butt-head crashed through a window in the tower.

"Uh, ouch… huh huh!" he moaned, his head over his feet against the wall.

"That…" Mrs. Dickie stood over him. "Was one of the dumbest, most reckless things I've ever seen a first-year student do!"

"Ok, huh huh huh!"

"But you flying skills were so superb… that I can't help but feel that there may be something for you in this school after all," Mrs. Dickie told Butt-head.

"What's that?"

"Have you ever heard of a sport called Quidditch?" she asked.

To be continued.