Harry Butt-head and the Sorcerer’s Stones

Author’s Note: Apologies for the longer-than-usual wait. I’ve been really busy lately and on top of that, I haven’t had much time to write. This is not even taking into consideration the fact that writing a B&B parody for Harry Potter is EXTREMELY difficult, not like the other movie parodies I’ve done. There’s just so much material from both the books and the movies that it’s really hard to cram everything in and keep it crisp and humorous at the same time. You know how it is.

Part II

“And that’s how I spent my summer over at the vampire’s getaway in Romania!” Mr. Manners finished.

“Huh huh huh, vampires…”

Beavis and Butt-head were now in their Defense Against the Dark Arts class, spearheaded by their new instructor Mr. Manners. He was the latest teacher here because for one reason or another, no instructor lasted more than a year teaching this particular class.

“How did you manage to survive so long with a bunch of blood-sucking undead who could’ve taken your life?” asked Daria.

“Oh, that,” Mr. Manners chuckled, revealing a wreath of garlic hung around his neck. “Well, it’s simple, you see. I brought protection.”

“Huh huh huh! He brought protection!”

“Heh heh heh heh heh!” Beavis snickered.

“Special garlic-scented condoms!” Butt-head joked. “Ribbed for her pleasure!”

“Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh!”

“Well, that’s all for today, class!” Mr. Manners announced. “I hope to see all of you tomorrow!”

The entire class got up to leave. Before Butt-head reached the door, however, Mr. Manners gestured for him.

“Harry Butt-head, is it?” he asked. “I’d like to have a word with you.”

“Uh, okay.”

Butt-head walked over to Mr. Manners. Beavis followed Butt-head as well, simply because it was in his nature to do so.

“So, how does it feel being the boy who lived?” asked Mr. Manners.

“Uh, pretty good,” Butt-head answered.

“I’m relieved to hear that,” Mr. Manners got up. “Listen, I understand for a boy your age, that it must be difficult bearing the burden of so much fame and responsibility…”

“Heh heh heh, I think I know where this is headed,” muttered Beavis.

“If there’s anything you need,” Mr. Manners put a hand on Butt-head’s shoulder. “Anything at all… just come to me.”

“He wants you to come to him!” Beavis laughed. “Heh heh heh heh heh! This teacher wants you, Butt-head!”

“Ugh! Get your hands off me, buttlick!” Butt-head swatted the teacher’s hand aside and stormed off as Beavis followed up shortly.

“Hmph, that went well,” Mr. Manners frowned.

He entered into the classroom once more and locked the door.

“Uhhh, why didn’t you bring me Harry Butt-head?” a voice from behind his turban demanded. “I want to see that boy s-s-suffer after what he did to m-m-me!”

“Patience, Lord Vickermorte,” Mr. Manners put both feet on top of his desk. “You’ll get your chance for revenge. Right now, the important thing is finding you a new body.”

--------------

Draco Malfoy was not in a good mood at the moment and that frustration was beginning to show more and more. The school was now a giant breeding ground for mudbloods and the like. And it was all because of that half-witted moron David Van Driessen. Yes, he was the one to blame for the school suffering so much.

Soon enough, he saw an outlet for his frustration, Beavis and Butt-head standing in the hallways alone. Draco smiled inwardly and motioned to Crabbe and Goyle.

The two thugs snuck up from behind and grabbed both boys, slamming them against the wall.

“Ugh!” Butt-head cried.

“If it isn’t Beavis and Butt-head,” Draco walked up. “Hogwart’s number one dunces…”

“Not you again!” Butt-head struggled.

“Yeah, you’re a dork!” echoed Beavis.

“These insults aren’t really necessary, are they?” Draco sneered. “After all, I can order Crabbe and Goyle here to beat you to an inch of your lives!”

Both Beavis and Butt-head stayed silent.

“But I’m from a higher class of wizards than you,” Draco told them. “And as such, I’m willing to give you a chance, Butt-head. Meet me tonight in the trophy room for a wizarding duel if you’re warlock enough!”

Crabbe and Goyle dropped the duo. Draco walked off with the two of them laughing.

“That buttmunch is going to get it!” declared Butt-head.

“Yeah, he’s going to get it!” Beavis agreed. “Heh heh!”

---------------

“Um, is this the right place?” asked Beavis.

“Uh, he told us to meet him right here,” Butt-head scratched his neck.

The duo had entered into the trophy room at the behest of Draco Malfoy. Eagerly anticipating the duel, Butt-head had come prepared with his wand. But so far, there was no sign of Draco or Crabbe and Goyle. Of course, neither of the duo had come to the conclusion that Draco had fooled them into showing up only so they could get in trouble for being in the corridors during after-hours.

“This sucks, that dude isn’t, like, showing up!” Beavis complained.

“Quit being a wussy, Beavis!” ordered Butt-head. “When he shows up, I’m going to kick his ass!”

“Actually, I don’t think he’s going to show up,” a voice from behind a trophy case said.

“Hey, it’s Daria!” Butt-head grinned.

“Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha!” Beavis chanted.

“It’s been almost an hour and you two still haven’t figured out Draco set you up?” asked Daria.

“Uh, what?” Butt-head was as clueless as ever.

“What’re you doing here anyways, Diarrhea?” demanded Beavis.

“I decided to tag along,” Daria informed them. “I’m here to tell you that in about another few minutes, the janitors will be here to clean up in this room.”

“Really?” asked Butt-head.

“Yeah, so I suggest that we head out now, unless you two want to get in trouble,” suggested Daria.

“Yeah, sure thing,” Beavis leaned against the wall. “But first, let me—Aaahh!“

The wall behind him flipped Beavis over into a hidden room.

“Whoa, cool!” Beavis declared.

“Secret passageway, huh?” Daria observed.

“Uh, what’s in here?” asked Butt-head.

“Not sure, you want to check it out?” asked Daria.

“Sure,” Butt-head shrugged.

The two of them entered into the secret passageway as well and closed the wall from behind them.

“I wonder where this leads to,” Daria grabbed one of the torches on the wall to illuminate their path.

“Hey Butt-head,” Beavis raised his voice. “Maybe this’ll, like, lead us to some dungeon chamber where there’s, like, hot chicks and stuff with leather!”

“That would be cool, huh huh!”

“We’re almost at the end, guys,” Daria told them.

At the end of the winding stairs, there was a door. Cautiously, Daria leaned her ear against it to hear for any possible signs of danger.

“Well, looks like the coast is clear,” she told them.

Butt-head opened the door only to find a giant creature inside. It was an enormous three-headed dog, not unlike the mythological Cerberus. At the moment, it was still sleeping so the trio was safe for the moment.

“Heh heh, nice doggy,” Beavis walked up towards the giant canine and prodded its nose with his wand.

“Um, Beavis, I don’t think you should be doing that,” Daria cautioned.

“Heh heh heh heh heh!”

One final poke was it needed to wake the big dog up. The three-headed monstrosity barked ferociously and clamped down with its jaw, snapping Beavis’s wand in half. Glaring at the trio menacingly, the creature roared once more.

“Now would be a good time to get out of here,” Daria said, being the first one to run out the door.

The three students ran out barely in the nick of time. Being the last to escape, Beavis fell prey to one swift bite of the dog which ripped his pants off, causing him to fall to the floor. Despite this, he quickly got out of the room before a second head from the monstrous dog could take off more than his clothing.

“Heh heh heh, that was cool!” Beavis announced.

“Huh huh huh, that dog took off your pants!” laughed Butt-head.

“Yeah, speaking of which,” Daria looked away in embarrassment.

“You need to put on some new pants, Beavis,” Butt-head pointed out.

“Oh yeah, heh heh…”

“That dog was guarding something,” Daria informed the two. “Why else would he be there?”

“Maybe he’s just guarding his bone?” suggested Beavis. “Heh heh, bone…”

“Very observant Beavis,” Daria impugned sarcastically. “And just how big would that bone be?”

“Heh heh heh heh heh!”

“Huh huh huh huh huh!”

---------------

Several months had passed at Hogwarts. It was now October and All Hallow’s Eve was drawing near. Both Beavis and Butt-head were sitting near at Gryffindor’s dinner table, feasting away on turkey and stuffing.

“Aw, come on,” Stewart insisted. “I’m sure you don’t really feel that way.”

“Daria’s, like, such a know-it-all,” Beavis commented. “She thinks she’s, like, smarter than us or something.”

“Uh, I don’t know about me,” remarked Butt-head. “But I know she’s smarter than you, huh huh huh!”

“Damn it, shut up Butt-head!” Beavis growled.

“She needs to, like, not be so smart or something,” said Beavis. “She gives me a headache.”

“But Beavis, Daria usually help you and Butt-head out a lot, especially in Butt-head’s class,” Stewart pointed out.

“Umm, oh yeah, heh heh…”

“I couldn’t help but overhear the nice things you’ve been saying about me.”

Beavis turned around. Daria was right behind him not surprisingly.

“Oh man, you guys are going to be in big trouble,” Stewart put down his fork.

“Hey… Diarrhea!” Beavis smiled.

“Thanks for getting my name right, Beavis,” Daria sighed. “I’ll be sure to remember it the next time you look off my test papers.”

Without another word, Daria walked away. Still as clueless as ever, Beavis hadn’t the slightest idea that he had upset her. For his troubles, however, Beavis received a sudden slap upside his head courtesy of Butt-head.

“Ouch, what was that for?!” Beavis demanded.

“Damn it, Beavis!” Butt-head warned. “Don’t talk about diarrhea when I’m still eating!”

“Oh, sorry, heh heh.”

“Everyone! Everyone!” Mr. Manners suddenly ran into the banquet hall. Something had frightened him. Badly. So much so that he was this short of breath when he entered.

“What’s going on?” asked Headmaster Van Driessen.

“T-T-Troll!” Mr. Manners screamed. “In the hallways!”

Before he could go into further detail, Mr. Manners fell down and fainted from fright. Mrs. Dickie was the first to get up to round up the students.

“Please enter the dorm rooms with your prefects in a nice and orderly fashion!” Mrs. Dickie commanded.

“Hey Beavis, are you thinking what I’m thinking?” asked Butt-head.

“Um, not really.”

“Let’s go find that troll!” Butt-head suggested.

“Okay!”

“And bring a wand with you,” Butt-head told him. “Maybe we can, like, kick its ass and get some chicks to like us!”

“Cool, heh heh heh!”

---------------

Sneaking away from the masses of students had been quiet easy. Both Beavis and Butt-head left the Gryffindors undetected. In the now emptied hallways, the two boys gripped their wands tightly to prepare for the troll.

“This is boring, Butt-head!” whined Beavis. “Where’s the troll?”

“Uh, pipe down, dumbass!” ordered Butt-head. “Who knows when it’s coming!”

The sound of heavy stomping down the next few corridors alerted them to the creature’s presence. The troll was near the girl’s bathroom down the hall.

“There it is, Beavis,” Butt-head told his companion. “Let’s go kick some ass!”

The duo crossed down the halls and looked into the bathroom. They tiptoed inside and saw the gigantic creature with a club slung over its shoulders. The green behemoth looked like he was on the verge of ripping someone or anything apart.

“Huh huh huh!” Butt-head laughed. “He’s in the girl’s bathroom!”

“Heh heh heh heh heh!”

“But, like, I don’t think he’s going to find your mom in there,” Butt-head continued.

“Yeah, heh heh!”

“I think she’s, like, in a motel a few miles from here,” Butt-head continued his slandering of Beavis’s mother. “She only charges, like, five dollars a night.”

“Yeah, she does, heh heh!”

Their idle chatter did not go unnoticed by the troll. Turning around, the giant creature noticed the duo next to one of the toilets.

“Raaaagh!” the troll howled.

“Do something, Butt-head!” Beavis started panicking.

“Uhhh, Hocus Pocus!” Butt-head pointed his wand up. A streak of light traveled through the air and struck the troll’s club, turning it into a giant pillow.

The spell was only semi-effective. Though it spared the duo the agony of being bludgeoned to death with a club, it still didn’t save them from the fact that the troll could still squash them with his own bare hands.

Evidently, the troll also felt the same. He threw away the pillow and slammed both hands down as the duo barely got out of the way.

“Aaagh!” Beavis slammed against the wall.

Butt-head rolled across the floor, dropping his wand. Unfortunately, the troll was now the thing standing between him and his wand.

“Uh, hey,” Butt-head tried to make peace with the troll. “You can, like, go attack Beavis instead!”

“What’re you doing, Butt-head?!” demanded Beavis.

“What does it look like, Beavis? I’m saving my own skin!”

Before the troll could squash Butt-head to death, a bright light erupted from behind the creature’s back, soon accompanied by a monstrous yell before the troll fell to the floor. Daria stood behind the troll with her wand in her hand.

“That was pretty cool, Daria,” Beavis said, complimenting her for once.

“Hey, someone had to save your skins,” Daria remarked.

“What happened in here?” demanded Mrs. Dickie who entered into the bathroom.

“My word, is that the troll?” asked Van Driessen. “How did you three—“

“Well, Beavis and Butt-head thought they could defeat the troll by themselves, so I had to run after them to try to stop them, but by the time I caught them, the troll was already here, leaving me no choice but to use my wand,” Daria explained.

Van Driessen and Mrs. Dickie looked at each other, then towards the fallen troll.

“Young lady, do you realize what you have done?” asked the assistant headmistress.

“Yes, Mrs. Dickie,” replied Daria.

“You and your companions marched out of your dorms when it was made clear that all students were to return to their houses,” Mrs. Dickie told her. “However… for your defeat of this monstrous troll… I award Gryffindor a hundred points!”

“Whoa, cool!” Beavis exclaimed. “We get a hundred points?”

“Uhh, I think so.”

“However, as for you,” Mrs. Dickie turned her attention to the duo. “For your reckless act of endangering your own lives for a cheap thrill, I give you both detention!”

“This sucks…” spat Butt-head.

“Yeah, this really sucks,” muttered Beavis.

---------------

Several months had passed and the time for the big Quidditch game had finally come. Everyone was prepared for the match between Gryffindor and Slytherin. Draco, in particular, had been preparing for it. He knew what was at stake and why Slytherin needed the win. More importantly, he knew he would be playing against Butt-head. That in itself made the game much more personal.

Butt-head, on the other hand, was not aware of the significance of this event, despite having been trained in the sport. Though he managed to finally understand at least one rudimentary aspect of Quidditch, he was still painfully unaware of the rest.

Daria and Beavis were with him in the bleachers. The game had not yet begun and there was still at least a few more minutes before Butt-head had to go with his team.

“You ready for the game?” asked Daria.

“Yeah, huh huh!”

“Remember, you win once you CATCH the snitch,” Daria reminded him.

“Uh, okay.”

“Heh heh heh, you suck at this game,” Beavis told Butt-head.

“Shut up, Beavis! I’d like to see you do better!”

“I probably could, buttmunch!” Beavis laughed. “Heh heh heh heh heh!”

“Whoa, quiet down, guys!” Daria told them.

Behind them, the voices in an argument could be heard. One of them was Buzzcut’s. Butt-head and Daria decided to walk up to hear what it was.

At the top stands, Buzzcut seemed to be having some kind of quarrel with Mr. Manners.

“Just what do you know about the Philosopher’s Stone?” demanded Buzzcut.

“I swear I don’t know anything!” insisted Mr. Manners.

“Then why did I find your notes on the stone in the teacher’s lounge?” Buzzcut asked.

“I was only… I was only writing a fantasy novel! Yeah, that’s it!”

“I don’t believe you!” Buzzcut told him. “You’re up to something, and if I ever catch you, you’ll be sorry you taught Defense Against the Dark Arts!”

“Alright already…” Mr. Manners straightened his turban nervously.

“This is interesting,” Daria mused. “What’s this Philosopher’s Stone all about?”

“I think some philosopher dude, like, had a pair of stones,” Beavis guessed. “Then, like, someone kicked him in there, heh heh heh!”

“Huh huh huh huh!”

“Well Butt-head,” Daria told him. “Time for your Quidditch game.”

After Butt-head headed off, Daria looked at Beavis. Though there were more reliable people out there, something deep down told her that his help would be needed. After all, the Sorting Hat did say that Butt-head would need her assistance. By extension, that included Beavis.

“Hey Beavis,” Daria motioned. “Let’s keep an eye on Buzzcut.”

“Um, what’s Buzzcut doing?”

“He mentioned the Philosopher’s Stone,” Daria explained. “Based on some of the research I’ve done, it has regenerative properties that can grant its user an extended lifespan and transform any metal into pure gold. Rumor has it the followers of Lord Vickermorte are using it to try to resurrect their master.”

“Um, who’s Dickermorte?” asked Beavis.

“Hello?” Daria reminded him. “Vickermorte is the most infamous dark wizard in existence whose very name inspires fear in the unwashed masses.”

“Oh,” Beavis scratched his head, as if recalling what he truly was. “Oh yeah, heh heh heh. Forgot about that.”

Daria sighed. “Let’s just go keep an eye on Buzzcut. He might be up to something.”

---------------

It was late into the game and Butt-head was still relatively clueless as to what was really going on. Most of the time, this ball whizzed past him while his teammates yelled at him to catch the golden snitch. Whatever that meant.

Draco soon whizzed past him. The blonde wizard had been a thorn in his side for much of the school year. Truth be told, he was an even bigger butthole than Beavis. And that was saying a lot.

Suddenly, the golden snitch flew back at him. Instinctively, Butt-head extended his arm out and caught the ball.

“Fly to the post!” one of his teammates yelled.

“Uh, okay,” Butt-head turned his broomstick around and started flying.

“You won’t shake me that easy, Butt-head!” Draco yelled.

Having caught up with Butt-head, Draco slammed into Butt-head from the side. The blow sent Butt-head careening aside but he still held himself in mid-air.

“Go away, asswipe!” Butt-head ordered.

“Not until you hand me that snitch!” Draco ordered.

Draco bumped into him again and again. Finally, Butt-head had enough.

“What’s the matter, Butt-head?” Draco taunted. “Afraid of being shown up by a pure-bred wizard?”

“Pure-bred this, assmunch!”

Draco swerved to the right to bump Butt-head again, hoping to knock him off his broom this time. Butt-head was prepared, however, and lifted his broom up into the air even higher than Draco’s. Lashing out with his foot, Butt-head caught Draco on the side of the head with a kick that threw him off his broom. As Draco fell onto the grass, Butt-head zoomed in on the goal post and made it.

The stadium erupted into cheers.

“Uh, did I just score?” Butt-head asked naively.

The answer came in the form of adulation as his teammates lifted him up high and carried him off for celebration.

---------------

Christmas Break had come. By now, most of the students were at the school’s entrance waiting on their parents. The only two students who elected to stay were Beavis and Butt-head, one reason being that the Grahams weren’t exactly thrilled about celebrating Christmas with a warlock-in-training.

“Hey Butt-head,” Daria walked up to him. “I found something that might help you out.”

“Uh, did you get me and Beavis tickets to the local nudie bar?” asked Butt-head.

Daria rolled her eyes. “No, but I do have information that could interest you.”

“Um, you’re going to tell us where to find a nudie bar?” chimed Beavis.

“No,” Daria said more sternly this time. “I found out through research on my spare time that a man named Nicholas Flamel is the only person who knows what’s beneath the inner chambers of this castle, along with Van Driessen. That three-headed dog we saw is the one hiding the secret.”

“Whoa, there’s a strip club in the basement?!” Beavis’s eyes widened.

“We gotta check this out, Beavis!” Butt-head exclaimed.

At this point, Daria decided not to go any further. She was about to tell them that the Philosopher’s Stone may have been down there, but what was the point? The duo would’ve simply misinterpreted her yet again.

“Well, I gotta go now,” Daria told them. “See you guys later, and try not to have too much fun over winter break.”

---------------

In the rusty attic of Gryffindor house, both Beavis and Butt-head were making themselves busy.

After searching through the boxes, the boys had found over a dozen porno magazines brought over by former students of Gryffindor. This was the place where most of the dirty stuff was kept and the two wasted no time in seeking it out.

“Check it out, Butt-head,” Beavis pulled out a long page. “This chick has a pull-out poster!”

“Huh huh huh!” Butt-head chuckled. “Check out this edition of PlayMage.”

“Is that all the porno magazines up here?” asked Beavis.

“Uh, yeah, we looked through all the boxes already.”

“Maybe there’s, like, some more somewhere,” Beavis got up and walked up to a mirror.

Beavis looked into the glass reflection curiously. Around him were three hot chicks all hugging him.

“Cool, heh heh!”

“What’re you looking at, Beavis?” asked Butt-head.

“Just some mirror.”

“Let me check it out!”

Butt-head’s turn came next. Peering into the reflecting glass, Butt-head saw himself in a limousine surrounded by beautiful women everywhere next to what appeared to be a mansion.

“Huh huh! Nice mirror!”

“Hey guys, what are you looking at?”

It was Van Driessen.

“Uh, just this mirror,” Butt-head replied absentmindedly.

“Hmm, I see you’ve discovered the Mirror of the Erised,” Van Driessen stroked his beard.

“Mirror of the Aroused, heh heh,” Beavis continued staring into the mirror.

“Aroused, huh huh huh!”

“Many wizards have gone mad staring into this mirror,” Van Driessen told them. “This mirror has magical properties that show its users the deepest desires of their hearts.”

“Yeah, and my deepest desire is to score!” Butt-head admitted proudly.

“Yeah, mine too, heh heh heh heh heh!”

“This is serious business, guys,” Van Driessen urged gently as he draped a cloth over the mirror. “I’m afraid from now on that this mirror will be confiscated.”

“Wait, why can’t you let us keep it?” demanded Beavis.

“Because over time, the mirror will corrupt you,” Van Driessen explained. “And I don’t want that to happen to either of you.”

Van Driessen took the mirror in both arms and went down the stairs, leaving Beavis and Butt-head without the object of their desires.

“This sucks,” Beavis declared.

“Yeah, really.”

“He should’ve, like, let us kept it or something.”

“Look on the bright side, Beavis. At least he didn’t confiscate our porno magazines!”

“Oh yeah, heh heh! Forgot about that!”

---------------

It wasn’t long before Winter Break was over. Hogwart’s students were soon flocking back and the school year was busy again.

Daria was the first to speak with Beavis and Butt-head again, giving them all the information on the Philosopher’s Stone that she found over the break. Of course, neither of the duo were particularly interested in hearing about it.

“Hey guys, how’d you enjoy your winter break?” asked Stewart.

“Pretty good, heh heh.”

“Yeah, huh huh huh!”

“Aren’t you excited for the new semester?” asked Stewart.

“Uh, not really,” said Butt-head, not wishing to prolong a conversation with Stewart.

“And why shouldn’t he?” Draco Malfoy walked up to them. “After all, I spent all of winter break nursing my wounds!”

“Oh yeah, didn’t you, like, fall off your broom or something?” asked Beavis.

“Yes, and no thanks to Butt-head!” Draco drew his wand.

“You aren’t doing what I think you’re doing,” frowned Daria.

“Oh yes I am!” Draco announced. “I challenge you to a wizard’s duel tomorrow night, at the Quidditch auditorium!”

“Uh oh,” Stewart gulped. “I think Draco means business.”

“If I were you, I’d just walk away,” Daria told Butt-head. “No point in getting caught and expelled.”

“Uh, you’re on, dillhole!” Butt-head declared.

“Then it’s settled?” Draco smiled.

“Yeah!” Butt-head agreed.

“Good,” Draco nodded as Butt-head walked away. “Actually… why don’t we finish it right here and now?”

As Butt-head turned around, a spell struck him dead in the chest and sent him flying against the wall.

“Uh oh,” Stewart backed away with Beavis and Daria.

“Now you’re gonna get it, buttwipe!” Butt-head raised his wand.

Before Butt-head could fire off a single spell blast, an enormous hand grabbed his wrist and yanked the wand away. Buzzcut towered over him, both eyes narrowed. Quickly, Draco dropped his wand. He knew he was in deep trouble as well.

“Fighting in the hallways?!” demanded Buzzcut. “What’s the damn meaning of this?”

“Butt-head started it!” Draco pointed his finger. “He challenged me to a duel!”

“Did he now?” Buzzcut looked at Draco.

“Actually sir,” Stewart stepped up. “Draco was the one who challenged Butt-head to a midnight duel.”

“Can anyone else verify this?” Buzzcut asked.

“Beavis and I also saw it,” Daria stated. “We both saw how Draco attacked Butt-head from behind.”

“Well, in that case, you BOTH get detention!” Buzzcut ordered. “In fact, you’ll both be serving time under Mr. Anderson as he begins his midnight investigation of the Forbidden Forests!”

---------------

“You boys ready for the great outdoors?” asked Tom Anderson.

Beavis, Butt-head, and Draco stood there impassively, none of them looking forward to going out in the woods at this hour.

“I figure you boys could use some fresh air, especially after being cooped up in that big castle,” Anderson told them. “Heck, you might learn some good survival skills.”

“So what exactly are we going to have to do?”

“Well, I’m required to investigate some paranormal stuff in the woods,” Anderson told them. “But that’s too complex for you boys. All you gotta do is take some of my pets for a walk.”

A big dog bounded out from Tom Anderson’s cabin home and leaped on top of Beavis, pinning him down and licking him.

“See, Fang likes you already,” Anderson pointed out.

“Hmph, walking some big dumb mutt shouldn’t be that difficult,” muttered Draco.

“Oh, and there’s on extra,” Anderson reminded them.

Anderson disappeared into his home only to re-emerge a few seconds later with a small reptilian creature the size of a Chihuahua.

“You have a Norwegian Ridgeback?!” Draco gasped.

“You bet,” replied Anderson. “Now get cranking, boys. Fang and Norbert here need their midnight stroll.”

“So what exactly do you have to investigate?” asked Draco.

“Well, if you must know,” Anderson explained. “Them unicorns in these woods have been disappearing and it’s my job to find out what’s been killing them.”

---------------

“This is the worst punishment ever,” complained Draco. “And it’s all your fault, Butt-head!”

“Uh, don’t blame me just ‘cause you’ve got issues,” Butt-head responded.

“Hogwarts used to take in the cream of the crop,” complained Draco. “Now look at it. It’s a degenerate hogwash of mudbloods and other louts.”

“What’s he even talking about?” Beavis whispered to Butt-head.

“I dunno,” shrugged Butt-head.

“I could go on and on…” Draco continued ranting.

“When’s this dude going to shut up?” Beavis asked.

“Uh, probably whenever you find out who your real mom is.”

“Oh yeah, heh heh. Forgot I even had a mom.”

“Aaahhh!” Draco suddenly cried. “What’s that?!”

In the general direction Draco pointed was a dead unicorn. Crouched over it was a strange creature sucking its blood.

“T-That must be…” stammered Draco.

“Is that, like, a vampire or something?” asked Butt-head.

“Maybe it’s Count Chocula,” Beavis began his imitation. “I vant to suck your blood! Heh heh heh heh!”

“Beavis, you dumbass! It’s Dracula, not Chocula!”

“Really? I didn’t know that.”

“Chocula’s just some cereal mascot, remember?”

“Oh yeah, heh heh.”

The creature hissed and crawl away from the unicorn, gradually disappearing beneath the thickets. Draco was left with a pale look on his face, quite frightened of what he had witnessed.

“Maybe Daria knows what that thing is,” Butt-head decided.

---------------

“So that’s what happened, huh?” asked Daria, after having heard the entire story.

“Pretty much, huh huh!”

“It’s a good thing you told me about this,” Daria informed them. “Drinking a unicorn’s blood, illegal as it is, is a sure way to gain immortality. Ask yourselves this. Of all the denizens in the wizarding world, who would be obsessed with living forever?”

“Um, Hugh Heffner?” suggested Beavis.

“Excuse me?” Daria asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Well, it’s just that he’s this old dude now,” explained Beavis. “And he might, like, wanna live forever so he can keep doing those chicks forever and ever, heh heh!”

“Anyways…” Daria sighed. “All joking aside, there’s only one person who’s as obsessed with immortality. And that’s the Dark Lord Dickermorte.”

“Huh huh huh, Vickermorte’s a Dork Lord, huh huh!”

“Heh heh heh heh heh!”

“Even if a unicorn’s blood isn’t the way, there’s another method he can obtain immortality with,” explained Daria. “It’s through the Philosopher’s Stone. Remember that hidden entrance we found a while back with a three-headed dog?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Well, my research has led me to believe that the stone’s down there. We should get moving tonight, guys.”

“Do we have to, like, bring a sleeping bag?” asked Beavis.

Daria groaned. “No, just bring your wands.”

---------------

Patiently waiting at the entrance to the hidden chamber, Daria began tapping her foot. The boys were already late and chances were, they’d already been caught in the hallways. So far it was not a good start to the night.

A rough and tumbling sound down the steps awoke her out of her temporary stupor. Daria looked up to see both Beavis and Butt-head fall down the stairs.

“Ouch, heh heh!” Beavis managed to laugh despite the pain.

“You guys ready?” asked Daria.

“Yeah, huh huh. We brought our wands too.”

“Alright then. It’s good to be prepared.”

Daria opened the door and stepped inside with the two. Immediately the giant guard dog Fluffy took notice and growled.

“That’s a good boy,” Daria took out a large bone and threw it at him.

Fluffy caught the bone and began gnawing on it happily.

“Like I said, it’s always good to come prepared,” Daria reminded the duo.

Moving past Fluffy, the trio entered into the room towards the end of the hall.

“Voldemorte must be inside,” Daria warned. “Be on your guard.”

The inner chamber revealed several lab tables, filled to the brim with books on the arcane and alchemy. Several chemistry tubes were scattered across the tables as well, revealing the usage of past experiments.

As Butt-head walked forward, a cage sprang up from the ceiling and came crashing down, trapping Daria and Beavis in place.

“Hey, what is this?” demanded Beavis.

“Isn’t it obvious?” remarked Daria. “It’s a trap.”

“Thank you, Admiral Ackbar,” a familiar voice from the shadows cooed.

“Uh, aren’t you our teacher?” demanded Butt-head.

Mr. Manners finally revealed himself from the darkest corner of the room. His signature turban was still on his head but there was something about his features that had changed. It was not something Butt-head could pinpoint but Daria could tell from the sinister smile on his face that this was no longer the timid, inoffensive teacher she had seen during class.

“So, I see you’ve made it this far,” Mr. Manners stroked his chin. “You truly do live up to your reputation as the great and mighty Harry Butt-head.”

“Uh, where’s, like, that Vickermorte dude?” asked Butt-head. “I’m here to, like, kick his ass or something.”

“Y-Y-You? Kick my ass?!” an angry voice rang out. This time, it was not that of Mr. Manners.

“Who was that?” asked Daria from her cage.

“I suppose I’ve hidden the truth from you meddling kids long enough,” Mr. Manners breathed deeply and began undoing his turban. “It’s time to reveal the true master.”

After taking his turban off, Mr. Manners turned his head around, revealing the face of Lord Vickermorte stamped right on the back of his cranium.

“You little b-b-bastard! I’m going to kill you!”

“I’m not even going to ask,” Daria grimaced, disgusted at the sight of Vickermorte’s head fused to the back of Mr. Manners.

“That’s Vickermorte?” Beavis scoffed. “He looks like a wuss!”

“I hope you know you’re saying that about the most feared sorcerer in wizarding history,” Daria reminded him.

“Oh yeah, heh heh. Whoops…”

“Enough!” thundered Vickermorte. “Mr. Manners, destroy him!”

“Uh, what’s this thing do?” asked Butt-head, picking up a glowing stone next to him on the table.

“Don’t touch that!” ordered Mr. Manners, gripping his wand and firing a powerful spat of flames at the boy.

For some reason, Butt-head was shielded from the flames, none of which touched his skin. He stood there blankly, not even knowing what was going on.

“Get the stone!” ordered Vickermorte.

“I’m on it!” Mr. Manners agreed. “Crucio!”

Unfortunately for Mr. Manners, Butt-head raised the stone up at the last second, causing the spell to strike the stone, shattering it to pieces.

“No!” shouted Vickermorte. “Y-Y-You idiot!”

“That’s it!” shouted Mr. Manners. “I’ve had it with you! Avada Kedavra!”

Butt-head raised his wand up at the same time, chanting something completely nonsensical, yet entirely useful.

“Uhhh… hocus pocus?”

A beam of light surrounded Butt-head, easily deflecting the killing curse. The killing curse rebounded across the room, ricocheting off the walls until finally it struck the mirror of the erased, which was right next to Mr. Manners. The glass reflected the curse yet again, causing it to fly straight at Mr. Manners himself who screamed in horror moments before the curse hit him, sending him flying out the window.

“Whoa, that was cool!” Butt-head exclaimed.

“I hate to admit it… but that wasn’t bad,” Daria forced herself to compliment Butt-head.

“Yeah, heh heh! You, like, sent that dude flying!”

After Daria and Beavis were freed, the trio peeked from out the window to see the fallen body of Mr. Manners lying on the floor, limp and lifeless.

---------------

The battle was now over. Beavis and Butt-head sat at the hospital wing being checked by the school nurse for any lingering side-effects of any potential spells left by Mr. Manners. Daria’s checkup was complete so she was already well off.

“That was pretty cool, Butt-head,” complimented Beavis. “You, like, did some kickass magic!”

“Yeah, I rule, huh huh huh!”

“Indeed you did, Butt-head,” Van Driessen stepped into the room. “For the courage and valor you and your friends displayed, I’m awarding Gryffindor with one hundred and fifty points!”

“Cool, huh huh!”

“Yeah, heh heh heh!”

“You really did a good job, Beavis and Butt-head,” Van Driessen sat down. “But I’m afraid this isn’t over. You see, the spirit of Lord Vickermorte left the body of Mr. Manners and he’s now disappeared again. Once the wizarding world hears rumors of Vickermorte’s return, they’ll be in a panic.”

“Yeah, what’s that got to do with us?” asked Beavis.

“Vickermorte is bent on destroying you, Butt-head,” explained Van Driessen. “He’ll stop at nothing to end your life. But you have the one thing that he doesn’t have… love. The power of love that your mother and father bestowed upon you to save you from his grasp.”

“Love, heh heh heh!”

“Yeah, ‘cause my mom’s not a slut like Beavis’s,” remarked Butt-head.

“Keep telling yourself that,” Daria sat in the distance, rolling her eyes.

---------------

The end of the school year had finally come to pass. Though neither of the duo did exceptionally well in academics, Van Driessen managed to pull enough strings that they passed their courses with the minimal grade. He wouldn’t have made an exception for any other student but who could say no to the chosen one? He had to save the world from Voldemorte after all.

The duo was now at their train station with Daria and Stewart. The eventful year had been marked by new friendships and bizarre escapades. And they’d come out of it alive surprisingly.

“Well guys,” Daria told them. “It’s been interesting getting to know you, to say the least.”

“Yeah, you too Diarrhea! Heh heh heh heh heh!”

“Huh huh huh huh huh!”

Daria rolled her eyes and walked off.

“Think we’ll be in the same classes next year?” asked Stewart.

“Let’s hope not, Stewart!” Butt-head made an unpleasant face.

“Yeah, you dillhole!” added Beavis.

“Hey Beavis, you got a home to go back to?”

“Um, not really, heh heh.”

“Uh, wanna, like, go hang out at my place?” asked Butt-head.

“Sure, heh heh heh.”

---------------

“Butt-head, I see you’ve returned,” Mr. Graham opened the door and stepped outside. “And who’s this with you?”

“I’m Beavis, sir.”

“Yeah, he and I had class together or something.”

“Well, that’s interesting,” said Mr. Graham. “Tell me, did you do what I told you to do?”

“Uh, what was that again?”

“You know… turn those students away from black magic.”

“Uh, not really.”

“Butt-head! How could you disappoint me like that?”

“Um, it wasn’t really his fault,” explained Beavis. “He was too busy, like, playing with his wand!”

“You have a wand?” Mr. Graham demanded.

“Yeah,” Butt-head took it out and whirled it in his hands. “Uhh… hocus pocus or something!”

A bright red light emerged from the wand and zapped one of the plants in the garden, transforming it into a giant Venus Flytrap.

The chlorophyllic monstrosity howled in hunger as two tentacles emerged, grasping Mr. Graham by the legs and pulling him down, dragging him towards its maw.

“No, stop! Help! Aaaaaaggghhhh!” shrieked Mr. Graham as the plant monster dragged him away from the door.

“Heh heh heh heh heh!” Beavis laughed, watching the scene with bemusement.

“Huh huh huh, magic rules!” Butt-head declared.

The End.