A/N: I have taken a break from writing romantic fluff to bring you angst! This got into my head after watching the live show. Is it just me that feels really sorry for Howard? Anyway, this is what happens when Vince and the others take things a step too far. Please let me know what you think, it may need taking down/reworking/continuing.

Warnings: Rated T for language and content.

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended.

I felt sick. Physically ill, like that time I thought it would be a good idea to eat my strawberry lip balm. I wasn’t sure what was worse, the blood, the horrible moaning sounds or the unnatural angle Howard’s leg was lying at.

Not true. What was worst of all was the knowledge that this was all, absolutely, completely, entirely my fault.

The tight feeling in my stomach worsened. So this was guilt. I’d never really felt guilty about anything before. Which is funny because I’ve done a lot of pretty awful things. I always just assumed I didn’t get guilt in the same way that some people just don’t get hangovers, the lucky sods.

Everything seemed to be happening really fast and really slow at the same time. I just stood there, frozen, not daring to reach forward and touch my friend. Only the piercing sound of the sirens seemed to penetrate the daze I found myself in and only as the paramedics took Howard away did I remember how to speak.

“I’m sorry, I just got carried away, I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean…” And then the sick feeling returned. The paramedic said something but I couldn’t really hear, I just shook my head dumbly. And then my eyes met Howard’s and the guilt was so overwhelming, as if it was coming from Howard in waves into me and there was only one thing I could think of to do.

I ran.

*

It had all started with the advert.

Not true. It had started long before that, with me ruining Howard’s play and stealing that magazine of Howard’s and showing it to all those people. No, before that, when I bit that record. Actually before that, with the graffiti. Or maybe further back still. The more I thought about it, the longer it seemed to have been going on. But when had it stopped being funny and started being bullying? We used to have fun. Or so I thought. Perhaps Howard had never been having fun. Certainly he hadn’t for a while. Ever since our idea of a good joke started to be the increasingly nasty – and increasingly sexual - humiliation of Howard.

In my defence, it wasn’t just me. Naboo and Bollo had been in on it too. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. One step up from the graffiti. We put an advert in the Lonely Hearts column. In a twisted kind of way, I almost thought it was doing Howard a favour. After all, the poor bloke would never get a girl to go out with him if left to his own devices. But then it all got out of hand when the others had joined in.

But now I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get rid of the image of Howard standing there forlornly, the scrap of paper in his hand…

“What’s this, Vince?” he asked, sounding tired.

“I dunno. You tell me.” I barely looked up from his magazine, but I was biting my lip to suppress the laugh that threatened to give the game away.

“This, sir, is an advertisement from the personal ads in the local paper.”

“What you doing reading that?”

“Shall I tell you what it says?”

“If you like.”

“’Despirate man seeks lover 4 kinky tiemz. Woman, man or fox, not that fussy. Will wear outfits. Call Howard Moon on box 314.’” Howard glared at me.

“Wow, Howard, that’s pretty desperate putting adverts in the paper. And outfits, really?” I giggled. I couldn’t help it.

“Howard loser,” grunted Bollo.

“I didn’t write it!” Howard shouted, exasperated. “You did this, didn’t you?” He accused. “No don’t even bother, I don’t want to hear your pitiful excuses.”

“Come on Howard, it was just a joke…”

“This explains why I’ve had weird phone calls all week. Fossil rang me three times asking me to wear a schoolboy outfit!” Naboo and Bollo and me all dissolved into helpless laughter.

“Did you?” I couldn’t resist asking.

“Of course I…oh what’s the point. And then there was Sarah.”

“Who’s Sarah?”

“I thought she really liked me. But it turned out she just wanted me to star in some dodgy film with a fox. She’s the one who told me about your little joke.” He paused. “Is this all I am to you, an object to be made fun of? Why am I always the butt of all the jokes?” Howard demanded pitifully.

“Because you have biggest butt,” suggested Bollo.

“Is this what I’ve been reduced to?” Howard said quietly, almost to himself. “I’ve had enough. I might as well end it all.”

“Face it, you are a bit of a joke, Howard. You might as well.”

Might as well end it all, end it all, end it all….

The words kept echoing round my head. I couldn’t think straight. I didn’t expect him to take me seriously, the berk. It just didn’t make sense. I mean, I knew about the Chinese burns and everything but this was just…I sat on the sofa just staring into the distance. Just thinking. Until it started to freak Naboo and Bollo out.

“What wrong with precious Vince?”

“I dunno, I’ve never seen him like this. Vince? Oi, Vince!” Naboo clicked his fingers in front of my face. “Come on, Vince, this isn’t like you!”

“My best mate just tried to kill himself because of me!” I said in disbelief. I think I was probably still in shock.

“Yeah well it’s not like he succeeded, is it? Typical of Howard, really, can’t even get that right…” I glared at him.

“I’m just kidding, Vince…”

“You’re kidding? It’s been us joking around that drove him to do it in the first place!”

“He probably just did it for the attention. You know Howard. Likes to make himself out to be all tortured and that.”

“But he was tortured. We tortured him!” I insisted. Why couldn’t they see that it wasn’t funny anymore? Why couldn’t you see that a long time ago? added a traitorous part of my brain.

“Well if you’re that bothered about it, why don’ you go to the hospital and see him?”

Good question.

Because I didn’t know how to face him, that’s why. What if he didn’t even want to see me? He nearly died because of me. And that didn’t bear thinking about. Which was a problem, because there isn’t a lot else to do, if you are a thought but be thought about.

“I’ll take you on the carpet,” Naboo offered. Which showed that he really was feeling bad about what happened, despite what he said.

“Tell Howard from me, he ballbag.”

“Cheers, Bollo, I’ll make sure to do that,” I said. I don’t think he appreciated the irony. Irony is wasted on a gorilla, really.

*

The horrible sick feeling returned as I looked at him lying there on the white hospital sheets. I didn’t know what to say. What can you say to someone you’ve driven to suicide?

“I’m sorry, alright. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean for you to actually top yourself, you batty crease.” I said all in a rush. Howard looked up. I looked down. What a stupid bloody thing to say. This is why I ran in the first place, I’m no good at this stuff.

“Vince?”

“It just all got out of hand and I never meant it to and I didn’t mean it, really…”

“Vince!” Howard’s tone was weary, “Shut up.”

“Sorry.”

“Anyway, I wasn’t trying to kill myself,” he said flatly.

“You weren’t? What were you doing on the roof, then?”

“I was just fixing the aerial when I slipped.” He said, sounding…embarrassed?

“Oh. I thought…” I felt really relieved and really stupid at the same time.

“Where have you been? I’ve been in here three days and you haven’t been to see me.” He demanded petulantly.

“I’ve just…had stuff on.” I couldn’t tell him I was scared, could I?

“Right.” He sounded unbearably wounded.

“I mean, I’ve had stuff to think about.”

“What, you?” Howard looked at me curiously.

“I’m sorry about the whole advert thing.”

“It was just…I thought she liked me, you know. And then I find out she was only looking for a fox pervert…” I should have known it was a step too far. I know what Howard’s like when it comes to girls. He’s too sensitive. And yeah, I’m too insensitive, I know. It’s a wonder all this never happened before.

“I know. But you would have had to tell her about the fox bumming eventually.”

“Vince for the last time, I have not ever and will not ever bum a fox! That was just a rumour…” He stopped suddenly and stared at me suspiciously. “I bet you started that rumour as well, didn’t you?” I didn’t say anything. I honestly couldn’t remember. It did sound like the kind of thing I might do. Shit, I am a bit of a tit, aren’t I?

“How’s your leg?” I asked after a while to break the uneasy silence. I’m not used to silences with Howard. Insults, yeah. Glares, maybe. But not this.

“Broken in three places. Thanks for your concern,” Howard said bitterly.

“Come on, Howard, don’t be like that, I do care!”

“You’ve got a funny way of showing it.”

There was another awkward pause. Time for me to think. Brain cell working overtime tonight. How do you fall of a roof? I mean, I know we fell off the roof before, but that was different. It was funny. We were together. And there was a bouncy castle to catch us. And this time, this time it’s all stopped being funny. And there was nobody to catch Howard and I can’t help thinking that maybe I should have been.

Then it hits me.

“We’ve got digital tv.” I said out loud.

“What?” Howard blinked at me. “So what? Are you missing something good on BBC 4?”

“Hardly. Just…you said you were fixing the aerial…” I trailed off. Howard wouldn’t look at me and then I knew. “Howard, why?” I asked brokenly.

“Why do you fucking think? Because I’ve got nothing to live for, have I? I’m a waste of space. I’m mocked and ridiculed at every turn by my so called friends. I wasn’t planning to, at first. I was just up there, on the roof, thinking about….just thinking. I was looking at the stars – until they told me to stop staring at them because it was freaking them out – and then I realised that everybody hates me. Realised nobody would even miss me if I was dead.”

“Come off it, I’d miss you!”

“Yes, you’d have no-one to tease and bully and humiliate.”

“Please, Howard!” My eyes stung with tears.

“You don’t have to pretend. In fact, you don’t even have to be here. Just piss off and leave me alone.” He turned to the wall.

“I ain’t pretending! I’m sorry I’ve been such a twat, ok? If I thought you’d take it to heart, I never would have. I don’t want you to die, for fuck’s sake!”

“Why not?” Howard said moodily.

“Because I fucking love you, alright, you freak!” I shouted. “I fucking love you. Don’t make me say it again. Just…just get better ok?”

There was a long silence.

“Vince?” He said, finally.

“Yeah?” I asked nervously.

“Go and get us a cup of tea, will you?”