|Omitted Scenes aka Everything RR Didn't Tell Us
Author: Aish Sheva PM
A series of PJO humor oneshots! Sixth chapter: Because Percy is TOTALLY that stupid. Written for Flamepaw, who came up with the joke this is based on and so many of the wisecracks in the contest. NOTE: RR cut these for these for a reason...Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor - Percy J. & Kronos - Chapters: 6 - Words: 5,102 - Reviews: 171 - Favs: 48 - Follows: 43 - Updated: 03-10-09 - Published: 01-15-09 - id: 4794879
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
This one is a bit of a deviation from the norm. It's a little more serious then the rest, but not by much. Written for Flamepaw, who came up with the joke that this is based on.
It was a normal evening at camp. The halfbloods had all gathered together in the dining pavilion for a delicious meal of...well, it wasn't really all that delicious. To save money Chiron had swapped out the pizza and barbecue for moldy salads. Needless to say, the campers weren't too happy about that. In fact, some of them had even revolted and tried to overthrow Chiron. That didn't turn out well....no, not well at all....but anyway.
As I was saying, it was a normal evening at camp. As normal as things ever get around there, anyway. In other words, not normal at all. As Percy Jackson, Annabeth Chase, and Grover Underwood were about to experience first hand.
After dinner, the three were leaving the pavilion together when they heard a voice. "Psst....hey, you. Want to buy a watch?" A dark figure stood in front of them, coat outspread to reveal hundreds of fake Rolexes beneath.
"You idiot!" hissed another voice. "You were only supposed to say that when the Ares kids came out!"
"Whoops." As the demigod pulled his coat shut, the dying sunlight fell on his face. It was Connor. He turned to his brother, who was hiding in the shadows. "So what was I supposed to do for these three?"
"The contest! Honestly, sometimes I wouldn't believe you were born first." Travis, shaking his head, emerged from the shadows. "So do you want to do it or should I?"
"You. I don't know what you're talking about," Connor admitted sheepishly.
Travis sighed. "Okay. So. S'up, guys? How are you?"
Percy, Annabeth, and Grover stared at one another, then at Travis.
"Um...fine," Annabeth answered suspiciously. "Why?"
"Hey, relax," Travis said, grinning. "I'm just asking because we might have a little contest for you. Interested?"
Percy opened his mouth to speak, but Annabeth glared at him and he promptly shut it again.
"You'll let me do the talking, Perseus. I don't trust you not to screw things up," she hissed, before answering, "Maybe. What's in it for us?"
"Oh, it's very easy," Travis replied, still grinning. "All you have to do is listen to a hundred of our best jokes and not laugh. The winner-" he paused dramatically. "-gets no chores for a week. The loser-" he paused again. "-gets double."
Percy's eyes bugged out. "Awesome!" Then he blushed. "I mean, the part about getting the winner getting no chores for the week, not the part about the loser getting double..."
Annabeth stared at Travis, thinking it through.
"Well...I suppose we'll do it..." she concluded. "I'm pretty good at this kind of stuff."
"YES!" the Stolls yelled in unison, giving each other high-fives. "Oh, we're so gonna win."
Grover, who had been silent throughout this whole exchange, muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, "Satyrs don't have chores!"
Annabeth glared at him. He shut up.
"C'mon," Travis smirked. "Let's do this thing."
Everybody got settled in an out of the way place, and then the Stoll brothers started in on their jokes.
"Hey, why did the satyr cross the road?" Travis asked.
"Why?" Connor inquired.
"Because he saw Pan on the other side!"
Nobody laughed. Grover sniffled.
"Um...okay. What did the child of Aphrodite say when she was waiting for her photos?"
"Someday my prints will come!"
"These aren't funny at all..." Annabeth muttered. "We are so going to win this bet."
But the Stoll brothers had a few tricks up their sleeve...
At joke number seventeen (What's the difference between a son of Athena and a son of Hermes? A son of Athena prays for a bike. A son of Hermes steals a bike and prays for forgiveness.) Grover cracked. Or cracked up, I should say.
Annabeth groaned, and Percy clamped his mouth shut. He didn't want to face the wrath of Annabeth by accidentally laughing. Besides, he didn't even get any of them.
Time passed. The Stoll brothers told joke after joke after joke, and still neither Percy nor Annabeth laughed. Finally, by joke number seventy (Artemis's hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. She doesn't seem to be breathing; her eyes are rolled back in her head. The lieutenant goes to Artemis and tells her one of the Hunters has died. "That's impossible," Artemis says, "my Hunters can't die of illness. Go and make sure she's dead." The lieutenant leaves the tent and there is a sound of an arrow hitting something. The lieutenant returns to Artemis. She says, "Okay, now what?") Annabeth giggled. When she realized what she had done, she scowled, stomped her foot, and stalked off.
By joke number ninety five, Percy still hadn't laughed. The Stoll brothers started to get nervous. "Let's bring out the big guns," Travis whispered. Connor nodded and smirked.
"Athena takes one of her sons on a camping trip for his birthday. After a wonderful dinner and a great retelling of the Trojan War they go to sleep. Some hours later, Athena wakes up and nudges her son. 'Look up at the sky and tell me what you see.' 'I see millions and millions of stars, mother,' replies the son. 'And what do you deduce from that?' she asks him. He thinks for a minute. 'Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Homologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.' Athena says, 'That's nice. But what does it tell you?' He is silent for a moment. 'You idiot!' she says. 'Someone has stolen our tent!'"
Percy wrinkled his forehead, but didn't laugh.
Travis and Connor sweatdropped in unison.
"A daughter of Athena and a son of Poseidon were being chased by a hungry lion. The daughter of Athena made some quick calculations and said, 'It's no good trying to outrun it, it's catching up!'. The son of Poseidon kept a little way ahead and replied, 'I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!'"
"A Satyr and a demigod are walking through the woods at night. The demigod says, 'These woods are scary!'. The satyr replies, 'How do you think I feel?! I have to walk back alone!'"
Nothing. They were up to joke ninety nine now.
"Why do daughters of Aphrodite like lighting? They think someone is taking their picture."
Percy suddenly burst out laughing. "HAHAH! I GET IT! Nice one!"
Then he realized what he had done. Annabeth was looking positively murderous.
"PERCY! YOU WERE SO CLOSE; WHY DID YOU LAUGH?! THAT ONE WASN'T EVEN FUNNY!"
Percy grinned. "I just got the first one."
Yes, Percy is TOTALLY that stupid. Lol.
Reviews are appreciated, flames are accepted, and constructive criticism is welcomed with open arms. But remember, it's not supposed to be serious.
Thanks for reading!