He remembered the way the stiff, glossy indigo drapes kept the light out and made his bedroom feel like a secluded cave. He felt so much nothing, and yet his body seemed heavy as he stared up at the stark white ceiling. It was a nothing so painful it was like his limbs were being restrained by invisible chains that cruelly clawed their way into his skin. He was sinking into the mattress. The plain white sheets lay crumpled at his feet and loosely hanging off the edge of the bed. The tips of his fingers were becoming numb, and his thoughts solidified into one single emotion: sadness. It was all he felt these days. The only thing he could feel.

Tears began to gather at the corners of his eyes. They made him feel even more helpless than he already did. The sadness flowed through him, transfusing his veins with the feeling in an attempt to replace the blood pouring out his mangled right wrist. His arm hung over the side of the bed, blood dripping onto the carpeted floor. His eyelids began to collapse, but he somehow managed the strength to roll his eyes and shift his head to watch the blood leak from the gash he’d made with a kitchen knife. The blood was bright red except for the parts directly near the laceration; it had already begun clotting in a futile attempt to heal the deep wound he’d made.

Without giving thought to the otherwise unblemished sheets, using the last fleeting bit of energy he had, he brought his arm to his naked chest, feeling and enjoying the wetness gushing onto his skin. It was so warm. The tremulous pulse of his heart became the sole sound around him. He could hear it slowing, creating a dull thumping inside his head. Shame racked his last conscious thoughts because he found himself so eager for it all just to be over and done. Time ticked by so slowly, and he waited, eagerly anticipating the welcoming emptiness. The nothingness that would drag him down into the vast depths where he’d no longer have to worry about all of life’s petty anxieties. The sensation clung to him like an indomitable anchor.

Gladly he closed his eyes, imagining his lifeless body sinking further to the bottom of a deep, dark ocean. The light from the water’s surface faded as he fell, weightless and unafraid. Down, down. Further down until it would have been impossible to breach the surface in time to breathe.

So grateful for it to be done.

The tears fell down and stained his cheeks, trickling over his jaw and falling on the pillow.

So…grateful.

God.

Why hadn’t he done this earlier?