Disc: Nope, don't own Soul Calibur, but MAN I wish I did. lD

Notes: HERE YA GO YA DAMN PARASITES. Dl

no I kid, I love you guys.

Yeah. Yeah even you there. Way in the back. Loooove ya.

WARNING: Wow, the first ever lime/lemon to ever be in a crack story of mine (y'know, one that wasn't actually implied or whatever) and I'm not the one to write it. lD;; I do have permission from the original author to post it here (you know who you are and take claim in the review if you so wish. l3)

--

SCrubs

Day 2

One Big, Dysfunctional Family

--

When one wakes up from a relaxing, dreamless sleep, one should feel good, refreshed.

However, an exception to that rule is when someone slams their bodyweight onto your abdomen, screaming wildly about "magical butterfly fairies" and how this individual "believes I can fly!"

This was how Taki awoke.

The raven haired woman let out a loud, indignant yelp of indignanty as two feet were shoved into her stomach. Then, as if her inner organs were springs instead of, well, organs, the individual atop her began to bounce on her body.

"HEYHOWYOUDOINGMYNAMES'SAMYWHAT'!!!" shrieked a red haired girl, her curly pigtails bouncing wildly as she bounched off of Taki's stomach. She ran around the room, arms spread wide open and blowing a raspberry, acting as if she were an airplane.

Taki watched in a sort of horrified amazement as the girl, now identified as Amy,actually ran along the walls and onto the ceiling, which Taki was sure normal little girls couldn't do (unless of course you were the PowerPuff Girls, but that was America and this was Japan).

"'TBREATHEREALLYGOOD," Amy explained, still running around. Predicatably, she fell unconscious from lack of air.

Taki stared at the prone girl, only to scream in shock as a man burst into the room with all the gusto of a Mexican bull fighter.

"My God, Amy!" The man screamed. He ran to the girl's side and scooped her unconscious body in a fatherly embrace. "Are you okay?"

"Well, she's unconscious," Taki said dryly. "I don't think she can hear you."

SRight you are, well endowed patient!" the man boomed. "Well! Another few pounds of Ritalin should do the trick! TO THE LAB!" With a flamboyent wave of his arms, the man ran out of the room and shut the door.

Taki stared at the door again as it reopened. A smile suddenly lit her face (well, more like a psychopathic grin, but you get the idea) when the familiar face of Dr. Alexandra.

"I'm glad you're feeling better Miss Taki," the blonde haired woman said with a warm and generous smile. "Now, your file says yo're allergic to...seafood?"

"Yeeee-up," Taki nodded. "That's about right."

"Then...then what on earth were you doing in a sushi bar!?"

S"I was in the mood for sushi," Taki explained with a nonchalant shrug. "Is that a crime?"

"Well, no, but if you're allergic to seafood--"

"But I was hungry. And sushi is delicious."

"Yes, well, that may be true but you might have died from that nosebleed!" Dr. Alexandra exclaimed. "You should be more careful with yourself, Miss Taki."

"Aw, shucks Doc," Taki snickered, a smirk curling the edges of her lips. "You don't have to make a fuss over me, really. All I need is a dose of TLC, baby."

"One injection," Dr. Alexandra purred, ripping off her clothes in one, awesome clothing-removal-method (because she was just that cool). "COMING right up!" With that, the blonde doctor leapt upon her patient, ripped off her paper gown--

"Um, Miss Taki? Miss Taaaaaki? You're drooling."

"Hubba-wha?" Taki snapped back to the real world, where Dr. Alexandra was NOT ripping off her clothes and ravishing her senseless. Goddamn reality and its lack of sexy doctors ripping off their clothes.

"Well, you look like you're all better," Dr. Alexandra said lightly, smiling again. "You should be able to leave anytime--"

"SOPHITIA!" a young voice shrieked as a young girl burst into the room, her green hair flying wildly around her face. "SOPHIE! OHMYGODSOPHIE!"

"What is it Talim!?" Sophitia gasped, crouching down (and giving Taki a splendid view of her backside, to which the raven haired woman did go, "8DDDDDD") "What is it girl!?"

"Raphael just gave Amy three more bottles of Ritalin! THE BEAST HAS BEEN UNLEASHED!" Talim said, waving her arms for emphasis.

"YE GODS WHAT HATH WE DONE!?" Sophitia asked.

"Hired Raphael?" Talim said, shrugging helplessly. "I told you guys it was a bad idea to hire a guy who was fired from "fatherhood" on his resume. Seriously, how the hell did he get to be a doctor with that kinda thing on his files!?"

"Talim, stay here with Miss Taki," Sophitia ordered, going into "serious mommy mode"--er--"serious doctor mode" and grabbing her clipboard. "Be a sweetie and get Taki some lunch. No seafood though!"

"Oh NU-UH!" Talim said, shaking her head. "I'm not going in the cafeteria, You-Know-Who's in there!"

"Voldemort?" Taki couldn't help but ask.

"Worse," Talim shuddered.

"Oh, come on Talim," Sophitia scolded lightly. "Do it for Miss Taki!" As Talim opened her mouth to refuse once more, Sophitia added, "Get Miss Taki some lunch, and I'll get you ten candy bars of your choosing."

"Mm'kay," Talim agreed. "I'm in."

"Good! Now, Miss Taki, Talim here will show you around the hospital; she knows it better than Mitsurugi, our janitor--"

"Which is kinda disturbing when you think about it," Talim added in.

"--and get you some lunch! I have to deal with Raph and Amy, the poor thing," Sophitia sighed and fled, off to do some life saving and what not.

There was a silence as the young girl then turned her face up to Taki.

"How's it goin'?" Talim asked.

"Eh," Taki shrugged.

"So. Lunch?"

"Lead the way, short stuff."

"Oh fuck you too, Miss Boobs-a-Lot."

"I like you kid. You got spunk."

Talim made a face. "Ew. You're not my type, lady."

Taki made a face. "Eww, I'm not into little kids with flat chests. In fact, I'm not into little kids at all."

"Then you just became my new best friend, Boobs-a-Lot."

"Call me that again and watch me use my MAD NINJA SKILLZ to shank your dumbass."

--

Talim was rather popular amongst the staff, Taki soon realized. Every so often, the young girl would snicker, say something smart, and was suavely handed a sugary treat (mostly something of the chocolate variety).

"Wait, Talim," Taki gasped just thinking about something. "Are...are you their PIMP?"

"Psssh, I wish," was the dry reply.

There was no following comment.

--

"This," Talim declared grimly. "Is the cafetieria."

The lights flickered on and off and maniacal laughter seeped from within.

"Taki," Talim said, gulping. "I pray you've had your rabies shots."

"...Why?"

"Because," Talim shuddered. "We're about to face...HER."

--

HER just so happened to be a young lady of about seventeen years of age, wearing scrubs and a hairnet and cackling.

"Such rich souls!" proclaimed the cackling lunch lady. "Yummy!"

"Souls?" Taki arched a brow.

"Well, it's actually baked beans and waffles," said the lunchlady, shrugging. "But they're the same thing OH HEY THERE TALIM." The girl winked and tried to strike a sexy pose (which failed epically). "What's happening baby?" the girl purred, winking.

"Tira," Talim said in a deadpan voice. "How many times have you tried seducing me?"

"Golly, I dunno! I lost track after the first few months."

"You've tried a lot," Talim snapped. "And each time, you've FAILED. FAILED. WITH AN F. AND A PHJUST BECAUSE YOU 'PHAILED'SO HARD WITH YOUR ATTEMPTS TO GET INTO MY PANTS."

"Heh, aw Talim, Talim, Talim..." Tira snerked, grinning much like a shark. "You're so sex-able when you're all mad like that!"

"OH SCREW IT!" Talim snarled, snatching a lunch tray that Tira had shoved forward and storming off.

Taki blinked.

"Ooooh, yeah," Tira laughed, smirking. "She wants me."

A tray came flying through the air and smacking Tira in the forhead, sending the girl to the floor.

"Love ya baby!" came the excited squeal.

"GO JUMP IN TRAFFIC!" was Talim's ugly response.

"Yeah, she is so totally into me," Tira said as she stood to her feet. "She just likes to play hard to get. That's all."

"One has to admire your persistance," Taki said dryly. "Or be severely creeped the fuck out by it," she added beneath her breath.

"Persistance? Pshaw-right," Tira snorted. "I put drugs in those beans. All I have to do is play the waiting game..."

"I CAN HEAR YOU." Talim said from across the cafeteria, already throwing away her "lunch". "BOOBS-A-LOT, MEET ME OUTSIDE, AWAY FROM THE PSYCHO."

With that, Talim made her exit.

"See you at school tomorrow Kitty-Kitty!" Tira called out.

A muffled cry of no came from outside.

Taki was busy throwing away the food Tira had given her and making her way out the door.

"Well, jeez, everyone's a critic today," Tira snorted. "And for the record, I only put the drugs in Talim's beans!....or did I?" She noticed the multitudes of other patients and employees collapsed in a drug-indused sleep. ".....Oooooooooooooooh crap."

--

"Well, that wasn't very good," Taki said, holding her growling stomach. "I'm freakin' starving. What I wouldn't give for some good sushi right about now..."

"Well, I can't give you sushi," said Talim as she led her charge to the receptionist's desk. "But I can get Mina to spare us some of her stash." Talim scampered over the desk....then Taki heard a trio of screams issue from behind the desk, before Talim was rudely thrown back over it. The poor girl looked as if she had seen the ghost of Adolf Hitler.

"TALIM!" a woman shrieked as she stood from behind the desk, fixing her blouse, skirt, and hair. "WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM!?"

"MY PROBLEM!?" Talim bellowed, twitching. "YOU WERE MOLESTING SIEGFRIED UNDER YOUR DESK!!"

"Hey!" a blonde man said as he popped up from behind the desk as well, his mouth and cheeks smeared with the woman's lipstick. "I agreed to it, don't just blame Mina!"

"Oh ho ho HO," Taki chuckled, quite merry with the situation. "This is like something offa Grey's Anatomy."

"What!? What happened!?" cried out a familiar voice. Cassandra, the pantsless nurse that had helped Taki came barreling down the hallway. "What'd I miss!?"

"Sieggy and Mina molesting each other," Talim replied, scrubbing at her eyes and mumbling about "seeing things that cannot be unseen" or something similar to that.

"What!?" Cassandra whined. "Oh damn! And I forgot my video camera too!"

"HELLOOOOOOOO NURSE," Taki whistled. Loudly.

"Uh, hi," Cassandra waved. "Oh! You're that chick with the bad nosebleed. Sis was really worried about you."

"Was she now?" Taki inquired. Then she smoothly grabbed Cassandra and pulled her into a long, romantic smooch.

"Ohhh, Taki," Cassandra sighed after the kiss, her eyes fluttering. "Take me! Now!"

"Right here? In front of everyone?!"

"I don't CARE who sees, I just want you to fu--"

"Uuuuuuh, Taki?" Taki snapped out of her daydream again. Talim was looking up at her, a green brow arched. "You alright? You're drooling all over the place."

Taki coughed and wiped her mouth.

Fucking reality, she thought darkly.

--

Amy was happy. She was happy because her Dad had given her those yummy "happy pills" again. Aaah, how she loved that Ritzalin.

Or was it Rightalane?

RizaWin?

Eh. Who cared?

Amy squealed and began to run around the hospital, screaming whatever came to her mind first --("'TIT?I'??")

However, when she came to Ms. Ivy's rom, she heard some...interesting noises. Amy blinked (rapidly of course) and pressed her ear to the wood of the door. Loud cracks of a whip...? "You need a spanking"? Well, that sounded very odd. Amy decided that since someone was getting a spanking (and since she knew that spankings really hurt) she threw open the door and prepared to give whomever the spankee was a big hug.

Hugs always made the pain go awa--

Amy stopped.

Ivy had Hilde lying on her fine mahogany desk, sheer tights and suspender-clad legs spread in the air, heavy trenchcoat clinging to her body. There was a fine sheen of sweat all over Hilde's exposed skin, eyes closed and mouth slightly open, lips glistening as breathless sighs and groans escaped her mouth. Ivy seemed to be wearing some series of straps around her lower body (as usual, one supposes), clutching Hilde's generous hips as she moved her body to and fro.

"!!" Amy screamed.

Ivy and Hilde each let out a gasp and turned, horrified.

Amy just sort of stared.

Ivy and Hilde stared back.

OH MY GOD, screamed the pounds of Ritalin in Amy's system. DUDES! screame one pound of Ritalin to another. WE NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! RETREAT! RETREEEEEAT!

Thus, with no pounds of Ritalin to sustain her, Amy's eyes rolled into the back of her head and she collapsed onto the ground.

Ivy and Hilde stared some more.

"Oh dear," said Ivy.

--

Sophitia was REALLY not having a good day.

"Darnit Tira!" She said, placin gher hands on her hips. "What have I told you about tryin gto drug Talim's food!?"

"Make sure I ONLY put it in Talim's food and not the rest of it," Tira mumbled, looking down at the ground and pouting.

"No," Sophitia sighed, facepalming. "I said to STOP putting drugs in Talim's food ALL TOGETHER. My Zeus, is it that hard to listen to me!?"

"B-but," Tira whimpered. "But Talim is so--so--oh come on! Who doesn't wanna hit that!?"

"Me," answered every one of the hospital staff (along with a few patients).

"Oh, well, that's good," Tira snorted, "'cause I'd have to kill you if you answered otherwise. I called dibs on that hot piece of underage ass a looooong time ago--"

"Aphrodite above," Sophitia groaned massaging her temples. "Why? Why?! Why did you make Tira lust after the underage folks!? It's not funny!"

--

Meanwhile, up on Mount Olympus...

"Well, why not?" Aphrodite answered plainly, tugging on a lock of platinum blonde hair. "And how isn't it funny!?"

"Gee, I wouldn't know,"Athena snorted, gently stroking her owl's soft feathers. "Maybe it's because that YOU MAKE TOO MANY DAMN PEDOPHILES AS IT IS?"

"I'm a goddess of fertility and love!" Aphrodite whined. "It's what I do!"

"Well, that Anglo-Saxon goddess Eastre was a goddess of fertility," Athena said smartly. "And she didn't go and make a new pedophile for every day of the week."

Aphrodite sighed sadly, and went to join Hades in his emo corner.

--

Sophitia and Tira read the above scene.

"What the hell?" they said in unison.

"Whoa, that was worse than a SophitiaxTira fic," Tira said, nibbling on a waffle.

"Oh gods, Tira!" Sophitia exclaimed. "Didn't you drug the food!?"

"What? No, I only drugged the beans." Tira's eyes widened. "Or...did I?"

There was pause.

Tira fell to the ground in an unconscious heap. Sophitia nudged the body with the toe of her shoe.

"Sad, sad state of affairs we're in," Sophitia said to no one in particular.

--

"Holy fuck," Ivy gasped in horror (after shoving Amy's Ritalin-less body into a nearby broom closet and telling Hilde to put her clothes back on) as she read the text message she had just received on her phone. "Oh holy bloody fuck."

"What!? What happened?!" Hilde inquired, leaning up to take a peek at the message.

"The...the boss just texted me," Ivy gulped. "He's...He's visting! AND HE'S BRINGING AN INSPECTOR."

"Oh we're fucked then," Hilde said simply.

"Yeeeeah, yeah we are," Ivy agreed.

--

TO BE CONTINUED.

--