July 2004

Stella was sometimes the old one again now and Mac was happy about that because he hated to see her sad and broken. He also knew that she had scars from before she moved in with her foster parents and from when her father and three grandparents died. He knew that her being well could easily backfire when one of her nightmare would resurface.

Aside from that they are a happy family who enjoy their time together. After crisis that was what Stella needed, her family and mac did everything he could to let that happen. When he and Stella are alone he could still notice her change. She would drop her mask almost immediately when their children were not in the room. Mac noticed it by her body language and he could also read it in her eyes. She then still looked hurt and pained. It hurt him to see her that way but it also worried him. She made everyone believe that she is stron and everyone believed it, except himself. He knew her and mostly knew how she was feeling. Mac knew that he had to do something to help her cope.

In the evening he decided to talk to Stella. "Honey I do not want you to freak but we need to talk." "What is going on Mac?" He stroked her hand to clam her down. "Relax. I just want to talk Stella!" she looked up at him a little suspicious but she still nodded. "Everyperson needs time to recover from a loss or a trauma." "What are you saying Mac?" he wrapped an arm around her and with his other hand took her hand in his.

"Stella when people loose someone close to them it is normal that they are totally sad and in shock. But agter a while they mostly are able to talk about it and confide in other people. Honey talk to me." "I cannot Mac." He knew that she still had scars and traumas from her early childhood and that her real parents gave her away, left her with anxiety. Whenever she had to bury a family member the anxiety came back to haunt her.

Mac cuppd her face with his hands and made her look at him. "Do you trust me Stella?" "With everything I have." "Them trust me to catch you when you fall sweetheart." She knew he is right, that he would be there. He had been there when her father and other grandparents had died but there was something and that something stoped her from trusting him completely now. "Mac honestly I would like to trust you ro cath me when I fall but there is something that is stopping me from doing that. I do not know what. I am confused Mac. I am sorry."

"You do not have to be sorry honey. It has not been easy. Take your time and tell me what is confusing you." She looked at him and knew that he would be there with her every step of the way but she was not able to voice it right now. Mac waited patiently for her to talk stroking her back trying to coax her to talk. He knew that she needed time and he would give it to her but he was still very worried about her.

"I do not know why I am confused but I am." "Stella I want to help you but you have to talk to me." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Mac noticed ti and tightened his hold on her. "Everything came back. After grandma died everything came back. I began to dream again. I dreamed of that day years ago when I was in the orphanage and every week people came by to pick up children. They always took other children but never me. I had to wait six long years. Why did I have to wait six long years Mac?" He could feel his shirt going damp and knew she was grying.

"Stella I do not know why you had to wait that long. I do know that you had the best family you could wish for. They adopted you because they love you. From then on you had the best family and childhood you could wish for. "I know." Mac just held her and stroked her back trying to calm her down. Moments later her crying turned into sobs that wrecked her body. It tore his heart apart to see her that way. She seemed broken and lost at the moment.

After about half an hour she noticed that her breathing and evened out and knew that she was sleeping. He carefully lied down with her in his arms making sure to not lose contact because that would make her stir. He covered them with a blanket and closed his eyes himself.

The next morning when he woke up he noticed that Stella was not in bed anymore. He got up and after he got dressed he went downstairs and found his wife and children in the kitchen. He wrapped his arms around her from behind. "Morning Stella!" "Morning Mac!" She turned around in his arms and kissed him. He released his hold on her and helped her with breakfast. "Are you alright?" "I am fine Mac." He looked at her and somehow knew that she was better but not alright.