Chapter 9: Empathy Sympathy

Jasper's POV

For the entire duration Edward spent with Bella in his room, I had concentrated on keeping him as serene as I could possibly manage by rendering myself into a meditative state of focus. But the moment that Bella left and was at a safe distance, I jerked my hold on Edward away and bolted immediately back into the forest. I needed to feed. The continual influence over Edward had left me feeling depleted in the end, and even though I had already hunted earlier, I'd never felt hungrier. I wasn't accustomed to using my ability for an extended period of time, so it wasn't surprising that I felt drained. It was definitely an exercise in stamina.

Alice didn't need an explanation from me as I left the house in hastiness. She'd know where I was headed — she always knew — but I couldn't even give her one out of simple courtesy. The hunger was just too overpowering and every second I spent starving felt like a razor inside my stomach. I needed to escape, and aside from the hunger, my entire being felt expended. It was a strange sensation; one I wasn't used to experiencing. Not since I was human had I felt so physically spent. My muscles felt coiled and strained as though I had been physically restraining Edward instead of emotionally.

Thankfully I didn't have to go far to find immediate sustenance. I literally crashed into a grazing doe just a few dozen yards outside of the property. I drank its blood fervently; my only objective being to quench my aching thirst. Once replenished, I discarded the remains haphazardly onto the damp underbrush and continued into the forest without a second glance.

I decided to hike further into in the woods instead of immediately returning to the house, far enough so I could let my thoughts run free without worrying that Edward would overhear them. I had veiled them from him while I was inside the house, not wanting him to know exactly just how much I was struggling to keep his emotions placid, and making sure he never felt the full extent of his craving. Having his doubts confirmed that he was a bomb ready to explode wouldn't have done him any good. Synthetic or not, Edward needed the confidence to help him cope, and hopefully, whatever was possessing him would dissipate soon.

I had wanted to believe he could be strong, but my decision of applying merely a slackened hold enabled him to become tempted again. The faith I had initially placed in Edward's self-control was shaken in the moment he picked up on Bella's quickened pulse. I felt it as well; his sudden jolt of want. It caused my own venom to flow, and it had taken me a few seconds to recover and concentrate on tightening the reigns on him. I was thankful that he had it in him to walk away on his own and allow me to mend the safety net, but I couldn't take any more chances. Realizing that Edward was undoubtedly in need of my influences, I since then committed diligently on the task I had been sought out to provide.

The night air was crisp, and the full moon bathed the usually dark woods in a soft white gleam. It was a peaceful sight that I normally would have enjoyed, but in that moment I felt nothing but a disquieting apprehension. I sensed a shadow creeping up my spine.

I curled my lips back off my teeth and released a low, foreboding snarl.

"Get. Off." I warned through gnashed teeth, turning my head slightly to look behind myself. The forest behind me was dark and empty. I was alone save for the sleeping sparrows in the branches above me and the lone doe carcass I had left mangled by the creek.

I was alone... but something had still followed me from the house...

I could still feel remnants of Edward's craving and anxiety clinging to me, whispering cryptic insanity into my ear. When the uninvited guest failed to retreat, my snarl swelled into a frustrated scream as I struggled to fight the parasite from my mind.

Gripping onto a low branch of the nearest cedar, I swung myself into its wooded limbs. Climbing higher and higher, I pulled myself upward, attempting to escape physically from what should have been left behind with Edward. When I reached the top, I perched motionlessly, gripping the bark tightly in my fist. Staring into the spotlight of the full moon, I waited until the black shadow eventually seeped away, and dripped down every last branch I used to climb to my sanctuary.

Without the added weight of carrying around Edward's emotional stowaways, my own irritation finally surfaced. Whatever was plaguing him was thick and unrelenting; so much that it stuck with me like tar on the soles of my shoes. It wasn't supposed to be like this. The pain and suffering that I veiled with my influence wasn't supposed to adhere to me after I was removed from the situation. When I was gone, the emotions I sensed vanished immediately as well. That was how it was supposed to be. I fumed at my inability to calm myself. It was as if I had used up all my serenity on Edward, leaving none for myself to recover. It never crossed my mind that emotions were something I needed to keep in reserve.

The branch I was holding cracked and separated from the trunk. I flung the splintered wood like a missle into the darkness, watching as it speared through the neighboring trees. The sound of nettled cawing filled the night, and a disgruntled crow clumsily took flight in escape from the projected evidence of my frustration. I watched the bird fly away until it was no more than a black speck in the distance, blending in with the ebony sky.

As it vanished from my view, I was overcome by sang-froid and came to a simple realization: As frustrating as it was that Edward's emotions had clung to me, the purpose was to help keep Bella safe. Edward's pain and worry about her safety inundated my mind, making my heart bleed for the way he loved her and wanted to insure her protection. It made me think of Alice, and how my world imploded at the thought of her being hurt by my own hand. Bella was fragile and vulnerable, and I could feel that she meant just as much to Edward as Alice meant to me, and ultimately, that is why I had to do everything in my power to help: Bella was Edward's Alice.

Having completely regained my composure, I slowly made my way down the cedar again, inhaling the odor of its pungent wood as I scaled down the branches. When the damp soil met the soles of my shoes, I turned and headed North. There was something else that had to be done before returning home...

The body wasn't hard to find. Rain had the ability to cleanse the earth and wash away evidence, but even in a diluted form, the aroma of human blood was not something that was easily masked from beings like myself. It inflicted a scalding burn at the back of our throats, as if taunting us into slaking it.

Dried, cold and clotted, the burgundy mess I found covering the boy's remains tempted me little, though I held my breath nonetheless. The young corpse was slumped sideways on the muddy ground, his body serving as the dam for a shallow puddle of water teeming with blood that cradled most of his left side. A deep open gash that marred the side of his throat was partially submerged in the red tainted pool. Though I looked at his face for only for a split-second, the boy's frozen piteous expression had burned itself into my memory.

I didn't even have to imagine how Edward felt about it all. Anxiety rushed through me just then, though I wasn't sure if it was entirely my own. Ignoring it, I crouched down low... and began to dig.

Edward's POV

It was close to three o'clock in the morning, and instead of having my arms wrapped around my sleeping Bella, they were folded anxiously in front of own chest as I wandered absently through the halls of my large home. I eventually found myself outside of Carlisle's study, and peered inside as I passed in front of the open door.

A small table lamp was the only source of light in the fairly dark room, exuding a muted glow that barely illuminated the room's occupants. Carlisle was casually leaning back onto the edge of his mahogany desk with Esme facing him, pressed up closely against his chest. His hand rested lovingly over the small of her back, and they looked to be engaged in a tender moment as they quietly conversed.

Sensing my presence, they both turned their heads toward me and shifted their positions to adopt a more modest pose. Lowering my head, I wavered in the threshold feeling as though I had intruded.

"Edward," Carlisle beckoned invitingly, standing up straight. He used the hand he had dropped from Esme's back to signal that I should approach. Esme's lips pulled into heartened smile and they both looked at me with a sympathy that I wasn't certain I deserved.

Stubbornly, I remained static in the doorway.

Esme turned from Carlisle completely and walked over to me, her heels tapping softly against the hardwood floor. My eyes met hers and she reached up to cup my cheek in her palm in a comforting maternal fashion.

Talk to him, Edward, her encouraging voice filled my mind.

I conceded with a nod while her thumb continued to stroke back and forth across the side of my face. The loving support I received from my family was therapeutic, but only in short bursts until the recurrent pangs of guilt reminded me of what I was and what I had done.

As her hand slipped from my cheek, Esme walked around me and disappeared into the hallway, leaving Carlisle and I alone in the dimly lit room.

Silence hung in the air between, but in Carlisle's thoughts, it was a deafening buzz of questions and concerns. I waited, avoiding his eyes, as he debated which thought to voice first.

"How are you, Edward?" he began kindly.

Walking further into the study, I sighed heavily in answer. "How would you be?" I replied rhetorically.

Carlisle nodded in understanding and walked around his desk to sit in his chair. "You look repentant," he noted, resting his forearms on the desk in front of him.

"This surprises you?"

"No. In fact I would be worried if I saw otherwise. However, I do think you're being too hard on yourself."

"Too hard on myself," I scoffed derisively, repeating his words, and began to pace in front of his desk. "Tell me, Carlisle. How should I react to having killed an innocent boy? Pretend it didn't happen?" I inquired with disdain.

"Yes."

I halted my pacing and stared at him incredulously, stunned by his reply. It was absurd to hear such harshness from a voice normally filled with compassion.

"We choose to live among humans. We pretend to be like them, but we don't live by the same set of rules as they do," Carlisle explained pragmatically. "They are ignorant of the existence of our kind outside of storybooks and movies, and it's imperative that it stays that way. We do the best we can, but sometimes there are high prices to be paid to live the way that we've chosen to."

I felt my brow drawing together as I contemplated his statement. "You're saying that like it justifies his death; like he's collateral damage." I uttered, unable to say the boy's name.

Carlisle's eyes grew sad and his answer in his thoughts reached me before he could sugarcoat it with his words:

Because he is.

My expression must have confirmed my knowledge of his thoughts, because Carlisle did not speak any further. He simply leaned back in his chair, watching me with the same sympathetic gaze he wore when I first walked in. The joints of the seat snapped loudly as he adjusted his weight, the sound cracking like Ethan's spine. I felt my stomach turn. The lengths we needed to go to in order to keep the secret of our kind hidden sickened me.

I bowed my head, not wanting to witness the pity in the eyes of my creator.

His sighing broke the silence. "If you're looking for someone to support your self-loathing, you won't find it here. None of us blame you for what you did, son. You did what you had to do to protect Bella. Any one of us would have done the same. As you've already noticed, we're all here to help you through this. I'm sorry you were forced to kill that boy, Edward, I really am. But if you hadn't found him I can assure you that he probably would have been taken care of, regardless."

Wonderful. My prize for reaching him first was this unrelenting bloodlust that made me a threat to the only woman I've ever loved. I clenched my jaws in contempt, realizing that if I had only snapped the boy's neck to begin with, I wouldn't be in this damned situation.

"You have to forget about it," Carlisle reiterated solemnly. "There is nothing that can be done for that boy now. Concentrate on Bella. Do what you can to keep her safe."

Bella. The sound of her name alone sent shock waves through heart, reminding me what I needed to fight for.

I lifted my gaze back to his and nodded in agreement. "Yeah... alright," I uttered.

Carlisle was right. I had to forget about him; make him disappear. As I pondered this, I suddenly realized that I hadn't disposed of the boy's remains. I had simply dumped the body in the middle of the open forest, free for it to be stumbled upon. I cringed at my reckless and selfish mistake.

"The body..."

"There is no body," Carlisle interrupted. "Jasper took care of it."

I humbled at the continual proof of my family's support.

"Like I said, we're all here to help you overcome this. All of it," he added pointedly.

Yes, my guilt for taking a life was just one part of the problem; the easy part. Why I was suddenly craving human blood so intensely, I had yet to understand. I raised my eyes to the endless rows of books lining the walls of the room. Walking over to the nearest shelf, I scanned uselessly across the collection, knowing there wasn't a single volume that contained the answers I was looking for.

I felt Carlisle's eyes on me, watching me dubiously as he wondered what was going on inside my head. He joined me by the bookcase a moment later, and stood at my side.

"Are you hungry?" he asked directly, adopting his professional physician's tone.

I looked at him from the corner of my eyes. "No..."

Carlisle caught the incompleteness of my answer, and narrowed his eyes at me in question.

"I hunted, but the blood was insipid. I'm full, just not satisfied. The flavor was completely wrong," I admitted, surprised at how infuriated I felt about that. "I didn't even drink his blood, Carlisle. How could a simple taste be breaking me down so quickly?" I looked to Carlisle in question, hoping he could shed some light on what was happening to me.

He hummed thoughtfully before answering. "Even though it wasn't ingested, it is likely that simply tasting the human blood reminded you of what your true nature craves. By denying it and substituting with animal blood, you essentially forced upon yourself something other than what you really wanted."

My eyes narrowed.

"It's what we all want, Edward," Carlisle justified in reaction to my defensive glare. "Just because we choose to abstain from it doesn't mean that we don't get tempted every now and then. It's not surprising that all it took was a single drop to tempt you again. It actually makes perfect sense. Our instincts run deep, and you shouldn't feel guilty about them. It's how you choose to proceed that matters."

Maybe he was right, but this wasn't the first time human blood had touched my tongue and wasn't ingested...

"Then why didn't all this occur back in Phoenix after I drew the venom from Bella's blood?" I countered.

Carlisle frowned in a moment of contemplation.

"Perhaps it was the nature of the action," he finally replied. "For Bella, you did it to save her life. With Ethan, it was during an act of violence. Normally, the subsequent act following a bite is the drawing of the blood, which you never undertook. So, in your refusal, your body could be reacting severely to the absence of its craving. It's possible that you're feeling a lack of finality."

I grimaced, taken aback. I knew what kind of creature I was, but to have it described like that made me feel even more disgusted with myself. I turned and began to pace the room again, unable to shake the tension from my nerves.

"It's just the mechanics of it, Edward," Carlisle explained. "You don't have to adhere to them. We've been living outside of these inherent rules for a long time. You just have to recondition yourself. Hunt as often as you can. Before long, you will have suppressed these primal urges again."

He seemed so certain, like it was so easily explained; so simple to manage and overcome. I knew it was just his best guess, but it seemed to make sense and I needed something concrete to grasp onto before I drove myself insane.

I silently accepted his theories and began to retreat to the room's entrance.

Carlisle followed me, unconvinced that I had been reassured, and placed his hand encouragingly against my upper arm when I paused in the doorway. "You've overcome the thirst in the past. There is no reason to believe you're unable to do it again," he assured.

My dark past... It was riddled with murder, yet I was able to wean myself with less incentive back then. I had something to lose this time around if I fell victim to my vile nature.

"Thank you, Carlisle."

I prayed that Carlisle was right, and that this feeling would simply fade. Time was all I needed, and also what I had an abundance of. Certainly I could spare some of it to keep Bella safe.

Walking back into my bedroom, I stood in front of the window and watched for evidence of passing time... and smiled when dawn eventually swallowed the last of the stars in the heavens.

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I want to give a personal shout out to my beta, Bratty-Vamp. Thank you so much for your support and your help, bb. I would have lost my mind if it wasn't for you. You're an inspiration!