Warnings: Yeah, still nothing to warn you against other than the occasional bit of bad grammar and poor humor.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Chevy Chase (though the man was pretty hot back in the day so I wouldn’t have minded so much).

Notes: Inspired by an old Chevy Chase movie.

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Bits and Pieces:

Nargle Infestation

By Rekahneko

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“What are you doing here, Lupin? Black?” A hulking Slytherin student suddenly appeared, glowering menacingly (as Slytherin students are wont to do).

Sirius tried to look indifferent about being found skulking around the common room of his rivals while at the same time nudging a nondescript box, hiding it under the couch. Remus, on the other hand, smiled brightly at the Slytherin. “Hello, Goyle. Nice to see you. Dumbledore sent us down to the Slytherin common room to help get rid of the infestation of nargles.”

“Nargles?” Goyle looked at the two Gryffindors suspiciously.

“Yes,” replied Remus. “Nargles. You remember, from third year Care of Magical Creatures?” Sirius nodded along encouragingly.

“Right,” Goyle replied, dubiously. “Nargles. I think I remember those.”

“They have apparently infested quite a few places here at Hogwarts. It’s a problem since they eat almost anything. Wood, stone, Slytherins…” Sirius tried not to laugh at Remus’ serious expression.

“See, if you get up really close to this area right here,” the werewolf continued, pointing at a section of wall by the door, “you can see them. Almost.”

Goyle leaned in and squinted.

“What am I looking for?” the large boy asked.

“Well, of course you remember from class that they’re small, almost invisible, and very fast.”

The Slytherin student grunted, furrowing his brow.

“There goes one now,” Remus exclaimed.

Goyle leaned in even closer.

“Oh no,” the werewolf gasped. “The nargle! It fell into your ear!”

“It’s inside my ear?!” Goyle quickly backed up and started poking at his ear frantically.

“You don’t want it to nest in there… They multiply by masturbation,” added Sirius, helpfully.

“Get it out!” Goyle was frantically hitting himself on the side of his head, possibly in hopes the creature would be forced to fly out of his ear.

“Calm down, we can fix this,” Remus said soothingly. “All you have to do to get rid of it is take your wand… there you go. Now point it straight at your ear. You got it so far? Okay, now brace yourself. Repeat after me, Petrificus Totalus.”

Goyle faithfully repeated the phrase and then fell over, stunned.

“Merlin! Moony, you are brilliant. Truly amazing.”

“15 sickles says he thanks me when he comes to,” Remus replied smugly.

Sirius just shook his head in wonder.