AN: OK, I've re-written it, like, endlessly, and I still do not like it completely, but so be it. This chapter is not (yet) lemony, though it has some sexual content already emerging and it is obviously yaoi – so – beware.

Thank you to everyone who reviewed, alerted or favorited this story, and most of all to YenGirl (and the unbearable hotness of both guys in Hino-sensei's manga) for inspiring it in the first place. By the way - those of you, who like this pairing and for some reasons still haven't read the wonderful stories by YenGirl herself - "Brief Reflections" and "Brief Reflections: Missing Scenes" - I totally recommend them as a different and absolutely brilliant view on the relations of our favourite hunters.

And more still thanks to YenGirl for beta-reading this chapter and correcting my typos/mistakes.

Disclaimer: Touga Yagari, Kaien Cross and the Academy grounds most assuredly do not belong to me.

"I would."

He felt the shoulder under his hand raise and lower in a soft sigh, and a little smile, a tender little smile of somewhat exasperated understanding was clearly audible in Cross's next words:

"I really appreciate, Touga, that you would say so, but you needn't… I'm alright now…"

'He thinks he understands me so good,' Yagari thought bitterly, 'He thinks he knows what made me say what I said." It shouldn't have hurt so much, but it did. It hurt to the point where he was afraid that he would say something rude and unforgivable, something that would inevitably cause his already so fragile friend even more pain…

Crap!.. In the area that they had entered now – he was the more experienced, the more mature, he was supposed to be so much more used to being accepted or rejected, and it was he, who needed to act with utmost care towards the other man… yet he felt entirely ready to shake Kaien forcibly if only to make the older man look at him, see him and not assume any damn fool thing…

Something conscious - deep beneath all the whirling and twirling emotion on the surface crying for rejection and hurt – acknowledged silently that the plan as such was good… yes, to make the man see that he truly meant what he proposed, yes, to lay himself bare before him – figuratively if not literally…

…and if he still chooses to reject you then – I hope that you can take it with good grace…

Ah… but if he wanted to do it right – in a reasonable and mature fashion, not forcing Kaien in any way – not through force, nor through pity – he so needed to somehow, anyhow calm down first…

"Let's go inside," Touga suggested, marveling at how tiredly even his own voice sounded despite the tempest within. His hand too, was firm but not cruel, as it wrapped around the older man's forearm, dragging… no, leading him inside his own house and, when he heard the front door close behind them with a sharp click, further into a spacious dining room… only to leave him there, staring in mute incomprehension as his 'guest' went brusquely further into the room and opened the upper door of the cupboard (where - as Touga remembered from his previous visits here – a bottle of wine was perpetually stored, used sparingly for Christmas and other 'special occasions').

It was still there, just as he suspected, and he poured himself an ample swig, downing it in one long and shaky gulp, then poured some more and sent the glass skidding across the table to where Cross stood.

The older man though didn't move to pick up the glass but instead viewed the wine with quiet but disconcerting suspicion, as if its presence upon his table somehow personified the sudden change in Touga's attitude, and he wasn't sure what to make out - either of the hunter's actions of but a moment ago or the heavy silence that hang in the room now as the Damocles' sword uneasily suspended over his lowered, completely confused head.

Touga felt somewhat calmer at last - whether for purely physical action that eased away part of the tension or for the wine that – though it was nowhere enough to make him even remotely drunk – still settled as welcome warmth over the nervous queasiness in his stomach. He also felt more determined now to see it through – for better or worse, very conscious that the relationship they had shared beforehand was already forfeited beyond repair… and if something different could grow instead… ah… it was anyone's guess…

"Look at me, Kaien…" He asked softly, his eyes searching through the wheat-colored strands completely covering the Chairman's down-turned eyes, as he lowered himself on one of the chairs, crossed his legs, but left the hands lying calmly on topmost knee, despite the sudden urge to cross them protectively over his chest as the other man had done just a pair of minutes ago.

Yep, he was ready… but it was damn hard! He sighed, closing his eye for a briefest moment, before he once again directed it – as reassuring as he could muster – into the shaken and questioning hazelnut depths.

"Tell me again," the hunter prompted in the same even and soothing voice, though it was difficult to work it around the growing lump in his throat. "Tell me, what you just told me… outside. OK?"

"Outside?" Cross asked uncertainly, as if what happened outside was something that he had already forgotten or he was unsure what exactly part of their previous conversation he was now asked to repeat.

Eventually though, his gaze slid sideways - unable to meet the unwavering glare of Touga's single eye (so deeply blue in the bright electric light) as he started to repeat slowly but steadily. "I… I really appreciate what you told me back there, Touga… And I do understand that you wanted to comfort me… but…"

"Do you?" The question fell into the lengthy pause as a stone into the crystal calm of the lake – making Kaien's gaze stray back to the hunter's mercilessly illuminated face and latch onto it - slowly filling with a different kind of confusion, his breathing hitched at mid-word, and the tip of his tongue running unconsciously around the suddenly dry lips, opened in a soundless "O".

Damn it was hard!.. Touga felt his own breathing grow shallow and quick at that sight and fought the urge to lick his own lips that suddenly seemed as dry and parched as a sand-paper… Crap!.. He closed his eye, but the expression on his friend's face just now had burned its way into his retina, and there was no escape…

"T-Touga?" Kaien's question came almost whispered in a small and stammering voice. "You… you didn't really mean?.. I mean… you couldn't have meant it… ow, shit… I mean… eh… could you?"

Touga ran the hand through his thick and tousled hair gripping them tightly on the back, the strong pull somehow helping him to maintain the remnants of his composure, yet he seriously wondered if the sarcastic smirk that he attempted looked just as lame and strained on the outside as it most certainly felt. His voice too came out dry and brittle and utterly devoid of sarcasm…

"What… if I did?"

So… well… it is a point of no-return I guess…

"But…"

He noticed how confusion was slowly replaced by an expression of unabashed surprise on the older man's face… and his own heart felt momentarily lighter now that everything was finally out in the open… before it plunged right down into an ocean-full of cold water as the thought that never ever had even entered his mind before - did so now… right!.. the best possible moment!.. oh hell… but what if?..

"That is…" he mumbled half-unintelligibly feeling a dark blush of uncharacteristic dismay flood his face, as he forced himself to continue, "If you do not find male-to-male relationships disgusting… uh… in general…"

He only ever mentioned he loved Juri… and that's a woman if a vampire… what if?... what if?..

"No-no-no," Cross shook his head urgently, his cheeks growing rosy with unavoidable blush, "it's not that… I mean, I do not have any… any… eh… preferences…"

…and Touga felt how the breath he was unconsciously holding released in a short gasp…

"But I…," the Chairman continued in a voice tinged with a contemplative wistfulness that seemed a very encouraging sign to the hunter's ears… "I know of your reputation… you… they say you need only ask… uh… that you can pick whomever you choose…"

"So I can," the hunter acknowledged simply. Sure, he could, but the game of picking had grown old for quite a long time already, and he let the pause lengthen, wondering if the implication of 'I can and right now I have' would eventually make its way into the older man's mind.

"Then… then I cannot believe that you would choose to take me…"

Ah… the wistfulness was there alright… but the pained and dejected tone with which Cross infused the latter part of his sentence ripped right through Touga's composure shredding it to bits.

"Actually," he blurted, "I wanted you to take me!"

Yet again tonight – the words left his mouth with a savage force of their own, and yet again – he was equally shocked himself – but knew them instantly for the deep unacknowledged truth that they unmistakably were. He, Touga Yagari, who officially always… always… preferred to top… well, he could… occasionally… allow a female companion to ride him silly… but with a male… hell, the idea hadn't even appealed to him once!.. no-no… he freaking preserved his ass like it was some freaking sacrament!..

But that was that… He wanted Kaien Cross to top him… no, crap… to completely own him – in any way that he wanted… and in a way – though it wasn't something he'd say to Kaien… not right now at least - it made such a perfect sense, was so absolutely, poetically fair – that Kaien's hated virginity would be traded over for the only virgin part he had in himself…

"But.. why?" The strangled whisper from the other side of the table shook him out of his… well… shook him out of wherever his imagination had inevitably led him – and back to the reality where his dream partner was positively quaking in his boots.

Why… yeah… that was one interesting question…

But maybe… yes… maybe if he looked deep and far enough – it all really stemmed from that… maybe that was what needed to be explained even if he chanced completely freaking the other man out – when he understood how long and sure Touga's affection really ran…

"Ah… I will tell you a story… I do not know if it will explain to you why… for me – it does, but…" He closed his eye, and the angles of his undamaged half-profile softened imperceptibly with a nostalgic glow of times long past.

"There was a young boy, who wanted to be a hunter… which wasn't really strange, cause he came from the hunter family of long tradition, now was it?.." He leant on the back of his chair, and his finger unconsciously ran along the edge of his patch as if to remind himself how far he was now from that - so innocent - kid. "He didn't want to just be an ordinary vampire-slayer though, he wanted to be the best… you know why?.. because wherever he went, he heard the tales of one "legendary hunter" – a youth just a few years older than he was – but who was already beyond comparison… the creme of the crop… the legend… oh yeah… and maybe," he chuckled softly, "if this young boy was good enough – he hoped he could be a companion, a partner for this legend… he didn't hope for more…"

Touga heard a strangled gasp from where the person he was telling it to now stood… but he didn't dare open his eyes and look at Kaien… not until his story was told…

"When he was sixteen…" He continued not allowing himself a moment to stop. "… his teachers took him for his first real mission - there was a level E reported, hunting the edge of the city where they all lived… simple task… so they left the boy where they thought he would be the safest - guarding the entrance, as they went into the building where they suspected the lair was… only they miscalculated… or maybe it was but a coincidence… a second vampire appeared on that same street, and the boy barely had the time to aim his gun when a perfectly human figure merged into a monster before his eyes – and slashed his arm, ripping the gun away from him…" He sighed – after all those years he still cringed at the memory of how little he had been prepared for his first real fight. "He knew he was going to die… there was no other weapon, and without it – what chance did he stay against the fangs and claws and inhuman speed… yet – even as the vampire lunged – someone jumped right before it from the second storey of the building… slashing the vampire in the air, making it evaporate in a cloud of vile dust… and when he landed – from where the young boy crouched by the wall – he looked so… beautiful, I think, is the word… outlined against the sun, awashed with the light of it, even the dust of a slain vampire settling as light-infused snow all around him… the ultimate epitome of power and grace…" He sighed again and continued in a voice that was barely above a whisper. "If that young boy dared speak to him… if he but dared to ask… he could have followed this man to the ends of the earth and then forward… but he dared not…"

Touga opened his eye finally, grey-blue now and filled with tenderness and hope and wistfulness all his own.

"I guess this young boy… is still there somewhere …"

Kaien's head was lowered again, the heel of his hand pressing into his forehead in the most desperate manner, thin golden spectacles hanging precariously in the other hand that clutched at the edge of the table as if all his slight frame was suddenly too weak to stand on its own and needed support.

"Touga…" He almost moaned with that little shake of his head that was half earnest incredulity, half shameful regret. "Touga… surely you know by now that that… that 'hunter demigod' that you thought you saw then… he is no more… if he even was there… ever… if he wasn't just a pack of damnable lies…"

Painful as it was for the hunter to watch the anguish so visibly wrecking the other man's body it also served to clear his mind, only strengthening his decision to somehow convince his friend to do it, and do it exactly this way that he envisioned now, because…

...because the vision of… what?.. hunter demigod?.. oh yeah… burnt bright before his mental eye, so beautiful and savage and innocent in the single-minded determination… and he craved this strength, this power and this grace – the only person that he could bow before, the only man he could allow himself to be dominated by…

…and because – looking from outside, which was always easier – he knew that it was this same determination that drove the Chairman, and that made the existence of this very place possible against all odds…

…and because he hated the submissive, clownish, pitifully non-threatening persona that his friend donned (as Touga had grown to understand all too well by now) not only for the others' sake but as much if not more – for himself – separating his present existence from the past he abhorred…

It would've been so much easier for Touga – to choose the domineering, the active role. With his experience – he could have literally swept the other man off his feet, he could entice and seduce him, could make him beg, could make him... happy… but it would've only pushed him deeper into this hatefully submissive womanish role…

And – the fool that he was – Touga wanted to make his friend whole… He knew that he himself was a pretty simple person. He did what he had to and never looked back. He knew that vampires were dangerous, even the best of them, and that's why he didn't trust them… even now. But he lived to his own rules, and those said "keep your guard but judge and act fairly". And if he made mistakes, he paid for them – sometimes with his blood, sometimes with a feeling of deep and acute guilt. But then the new day came and he stepped over it and went on. He simply didn't have it in himself to cause so final and seemingly irrevocable a division…

But he needn't experience it to know that it was wrong. Even if denigrating himself in such a manner was his friend's way to atone for whatever his past misdeeds – the atonement should be complete by now. The world itself had changed – not in a little way due to his friend's effort. The vampires and people were learning to live with each other. And it was time that his friend accepted this other part of himself as well – not as something worth only disgust and rejection, but as something integral, and beautiful – yes, the strength, and the violence and the determination… too dangerous to let them fester without expression… too beautiful to completely ignore…

"Last time I checked," he said in the calm and steady voice, carrying a curious mixture of light amusement and deep concern for his friend, "around eight months ago… this demigod-guy that you've so rightly named him… he was still there… and you know what, Kaien?.. He isn't all bad. There is nothing wrong – in you being him…"

He saw a tentative, hopeful straightening of Cross's shoulders, the tear-filled eyes searching troubled and myopic for the trace of pity and condescension in his own face, the lips getting ready to speak – to disagree perhaps? But he motioned slightly for the other man to remain silent – he hadn't finished yet. He didn't want to prolong this agony any longer…

"Do you abhor me too, Kaien?" Touga asked softly. The steadiness of his voice was the hardest thing to maintain – ever, his eye closing of its own volition, because he didn't want to see the honest reaction, not really… He'd settle for the final decision, but that was as much as he could ask of himself now… Strong as he was determined to be – for his friend's sake – he too could only bear that much… "Do you? I am a hunter. I killed vampires too. Many of them… The fact I'm not doing it now is due to my being burdened with all the paper-work that comes with my position, but I order others to do the killing, I order Zero to do it…" He gulped, but the constriction in his throat was not going anywhere, not so easily… "I wish…" He continued hoarsely. "I wish I was that young boy for you… that I had been then… Young and innocent and unmarred… But I'm an embittered hunter… disfigured and scarred through and through… That's what I am… So, please, accept or reject me, but do decide!.. Because I… I'm all yours…"

His whole chest was constricted now, the breath coming in sad, little, pitiful gulps… God!.. and Kaien thought that it was he who was pathetic…

"Touga…" The soft voice sounded as if the person who spoke stood much closer now… right beside him, in fact… "Look at me… please?"

He opened his eye slowly, almost reluctantly, suddenly eager to cling to the agony of suspense for just a little longer rather than face the subtle decisiveness he heard in Kaien's tone.

Well, Cross stood beside him alright… His face was set and somber and serious – the face of… uh… demigod… the face he had when he had been preparing to fight the invading hordes on that fateful winter day eight months ago… but when his half-closed eyelids lifted as well, the gaze that met Touga's own was filled with emotions: resolve and hesitation, fear and hope, all twirled in the hazel depths in an endless turmoil, but something underlying – above and beyond all this – was the soul-deep all-consuming tenderness that drove a nail of almost painful desire right into Touga's gut.

"I…" Kaien's voice trembled a little half in embarrassment, half in amusement. "I'm not even sure I know how to do it properly…"

"It's alright, I can show you."

And the perspective alone can make me finish before we ever began…

Damn, but it was hard to sound reassuring when one was so damnably aroused… and the sheer sense of relief was doing nothing for his composure right now…

"I…" The hesitation still lingered but a soft blush of answering desire was rising up the older man's cheekbones as he continued. "What if I bugger it up completely?"

Touga shrugged a little, his own amusement kicking in, yet he made a half-hearted effort to keep it at bay for the sake of the other's still fragile self-assurance. He… sort of… eh… still remembered how important it seemed in his own… eh… early days…

"We'll try again."

"But don't you have to…" there was a little concern darkening the hazel eyes now, "…rise early to return to Association in the morning?"

"Actually… no…" Touga felt he was blushing guiltily – for what reason he really couldn't explain – maybe just because the vacation he had finally claimed took on the new enticing perspective now. "I took a week off from work… I didn't plan it… so…" He hastened to explain, anxious for his friend to believe it wasn't some kind of plot on his part. "I've just been working without taking as much as a day off for almost seven months now… and… well, hoped you could lend me a room somewhere here… for the old-times sake… I… well, shit!.. I wanted to be with you… as a friend at least… but I…"

"A week-off? Then you won't be leaving tomorrow?" The wonder-filled delight in the other man's whisper made Touga cut short his already desperately convoluted explanation and grip his own thighs tightly…

Damn, man… contain yourself…

"Touch me, Kaien", he half-commanded, half-pleaded urgently. Oh God… he needed it now…

Cross's breath hitched softly, coming in shallow, irregular gasps, but as his eyes darted almost fearfully to where Touga's desire was all too obvious even though he had tried to shield the area with a fold of his overcoat before – the hunter couldn't help but chuckle around his own painfully held breath.

"No… not there, you fool… at least - not yet… just anywhere you want to…"

The hazel eyes darkened further – so serious, so intent on contemplating the task… then his right arm lifted tentatively, hesitantly… to bury the fingers in the thick mane of Touga's hair, combing them from the side of his face…

"You know…" The older man's gaze seemed distant, totally enraptured for the moment… "I always wanted to know how they felt… Touga?.."

The hunter had lowered his head fighting the tingling sensations Kaien's slightly shaking fingers were sending from his nape right down his spine but he lifted it back now.

"Yeah… what?"

"Before we… proceed…"

He couldn't tell that he didn't know what was coming – he knew. He knew when Cross's fingers fumbled with the buckle on the back of his head. He knew as he felt the leather sliding away from his face. But he sat frozen. Even his lips froze before a 'please, don't' moan could form on them…

He knew it looked ugly – a shrunken empty socket where an eye was supposed to be, crossed by three puckered scars… He couldn't understand what morbid fascination could possess Cross to want to look upon it. He could hardly bear looking at it himself when he put back the patch every morning… It was one thing to accept it consciously – as a small price for little Zero's life… It was another – to live with it – day by day – facing his own hideous disfigurement in the mirror…

…and then he felt a soft brush of tender lips on his scar-crossed brow… and his breath hitched… and the only thing he could think was 'Good thing he hadn't kissed me in there… I wouldn't have been able to bear if he had kissed me in there'… and his eye that he didn't remember closing flew open to drown in the soft compassion and understanding clearly written on Kaien Cross's face.

"Before we proceed…" The Chairman repeated, his arms encircling Touga's shoulders now, bringing his head closer to rest on Cross's coat, as if he knew by whatever instinct that the younger man would feel easier with his face covered for now. "I do not mind your scars, Touga… They are you… They are you, and the only way in which they matter is the pain that you had to bear… Otherwise – they do not matter at all."

Shit! He wasn't going to sniff, he wasn't… Instead, Touga uncrossed his legs and brought the other man close, flush against his body – letting him feel his need, letting him feel his urgency, hugging him tightly around the midriff, burying his own trembling and frenzied form into the answering embrace…

…Everything… to be near this impossible… this incredible man… everything…

"God, Kaien… don't you think that we should discard at least our over-coats… before we proceed?.."