I really had no idea how things had ended up this way, and here's the real mind-blower: I wasn't even sure that I cared. When I'd bumped into Edward earlier in the week, I'd wanted to wrap my hands around his throat, but a mere three days later it was his throbbing cock that I had in my grip, and not much else mattered. He was here now, and there was this, and it would be enough. I would make it enough. At least that's what I kept telling myself.

His hands were tangled into my hair, and as I lowered my lips to engulf him he let out a long moan and pushed down on my head. My God. He's still so damn sexy!

"God, Bella, your mouth feels fucking amazing!" I glanced up in time to see him throw his head back, and what had been a spot of damp in my panties turned into a flood.

Since removing my mouth from his cock was out of the question, I did my best with my mouth and hands to tell him how I was feeling. I tried to stay calm, sticking to a rhythm of stroking and sucking, but the sounds coming from Edward were driving me crazy, and I couldn't keep from groaning deeply. Before I knew it, I was on my back, my panties were on the floor, and he was plunging into my pussy like a man possessed.

"Did you really think I was going to let you do that for much longer?"

Just like that, whatever thoughts, whatever feelings I had wanted to express were gone; lost in a haze of thrusting and moaning and pounding our way across the bed. By the time I could think straight again, my head was hanging over the side and Edward's mouth was pulling hard on my left nipple. If I thought I'd felt good before, the sizzling line of electricity that ran from his wet lips and tongue straight down to my clit nearly undid me. I opened my mouth to speak and realized that I had literally been struck dumb. Completely silenced, for the first time in my life. Amazing.

"Like that, love?" His tongue snaked a lazy, hot trail over to my right nipple, and his lips began to tug again. He stopped for a moment, the very briefest of moments, and I could feel- all at once, in a flash- the crispness of the sheets, the sweat on the back of my neck, the slightest breeze moving the curtains, and lurking in some forsaken corner of my mind…something that mattered. Then he lowered his mouth again and it was all gone, as if someone had flipped a switch. All I could feel was him; lips, tongue, hands, cock, the delicious weight of his body on mine. A burst of stars went off behind my lids and that was it, really. Right then I should have known, I should have fucking known, that the only thing coming tonight would be a reality check.

"Open your eyes, Bella." No. Please!

"Open your eyes. Now." I can't!

"If you don't…" he had one hand on my ass "…open your eyes"and one trailing its way down over my belly "…and look at me…" Oh, God! "…right now…"where it began to trace lazy circles over my mound "…I'm going to leave, and I don't want to fucking leave, Bella."His hand stilled and he waited. Fuck.

I lay completely still, knowing what would happen next. What had to happen next. What mattered, even though I didn't want it to anymore.

I smashed the back door open so hard it almost splintered, and flung myself down the stairs two at a time. A handful more steps and I was behind the wheel of my Volvo; I knew the only hope I had of calming down would be tearing up the roads between here and my apartment, and nothing was going to stop me.

Fuck. Fuck. FUCK! Not again. This CANNOT be happening- it is just beyond my ability to understand. Why the fuck did I think anything had changed? Things I hadn't done in three days…habits (compulsions, rather) that I'd descended into since I'd seen Bella last, returned with a vengeance as I raged. In the last few minutes I'd raked my hands through my hair so hard, and so frequently, that my scalp was aching dully. I began to madly search for the cigarettes that I knew were there, and tore apart half the car before I found them. I lit a smoke and took such an intense drag that my lungs felt like they were on fire, and I almost wished they were.

NOT. HAPPENING.

I frantically scrolled through my ipod for the one track that I needed to hear, turned it up loud enough to drown out every other sound, and tore out of the driveway. Trent Reznor's plaintive vocals, accompanied by his piano, slipped from the speakers and I felt myself begin to fall apart.

Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears

My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore

Scraping through my head till I don't want to sleep anymore

How we got here was inevitable; how the pain in my chest was magnifying exponentially seemed an impossibility. Suddenly, I realized that tears were streaming down my face and that I could barely see the road. I slammed on my brakes and pulled off onto a side street, and buried my face in my hands. I sat listening, suspended in time. Although it could only have been minutes, it felt as though hours passed as I listened and remembered. Remembered what had happened to bring me here, now.

Though it all looks different now, I know it's still the same

Everywhere I look you're all I see

Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be

When I first saw Bella a few days ago, in the brief moments before she saw me, it felt as though my heart had actually stopped. The world around us fell away, and her face once again became as the sun to me, yet somehow more brilliant than ever. After all the time that had passed, after thinking that I'd never see her again, even that I'd never want to see her again, it was as though nothing had changed. She was still every bit as intoxicating to me now as she had ever been, maybe even more so. I was so stunned that when she did notice my presence I never registered either the look on her face or her body language. I was frozen in a sort of fugue as she crossed the marketplace, and it was only her hand connecting with my face as she slapped me that brought me back.

The sting of my cheek snapped me back to reality, but I remained frozen; Bella was here…right in front of me. I felt almost blindsided by her presence, what she had done, and my own blazingly intense feelings. As if in slow motion, I put my hand up to rub my cheek, but when I looked into her eyes she seemed so lost and confused that I found myself feeling sorry for her, and I felt my chest tighten. We stared at each other for a moment, and I watched as tears began to gather. I reached for her, but with a sob she pushed by me and was swallowed by the crowd.

She was gone again.

Stumbling blindly in the opposite direction, I made my way through the throngs of people gathered there for the farmer's market. A few times I felt a hand on my arm or what seem to be a whispered comment, but they meant nothing to me. A rapid-fire procession of images featuring Bella scorched my mind's eye, and I was nearly brought to my knees on more than one occasion. Getting back to my apartment was a torment, and I had nearly reached its sanctuary when my cell rang. It was Alice. Oh God. She knows! What am I going to say?

I answered, but I couldn't find the words I needed. Couldn't make the wound…the one that we both shared and had been almost as excruciating for her…open again and cripple my sweet sister, and yet I knew in my heart that it had already happened. I stared out over the water, listening and waiting for what would happen next.

"Edward? I…felt her there. I saw…God, Edward…the sadness! Why didn't…did you…"

Her sobs echoed down the line and I wanted to tell her something…anything. I wanted to say the right words that would make the hurt go away, but I just didn't have it in me. What could I say that would give her peace, when I couldn't find any for myself? I heard her crying begin to taper off, and felt a shiver go through my body.

"Edward, you have to make me a promise."

I listened, but it was more out of love for her than anything else; I already knew what she would say. My baby sister knew me inside and out, and even without the gift of prescience I was sure that she would have been able to foretell my plans after what had just happened.

"Please, please do NOT let it happen again, ok? Promise me you won't do what I know you're already thinking about. I love you! Edward? Please?"

What Alice refused to acknowledge was that it was too late. I knew it in my heart and in my gut, and part of Alice knew it, too. The slap, the sob, the push…right then I was lost. Oh, hell- I was lost when I saw Bella's face again. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It wasn't fucking supposed to be this way.

"It wasn't supposed to be this way, Alice."

"Honey? Edward? Don't do this! I'll come over there right now and we can work everything through! Are you home? I can be there in 15 minutes tops and we'll…"

"Goodbye, baby girl. I love you, but I've got to go now."

"EDWARD CULLEN, YOU WILL NOT DO THIS!"

I hung up on my beautiful sister, pushed the off button on my phone, and slipped it into my back pocket. The weather had shifted while I was on the phone, and a chill breeze suddenly picked up. I turned up the collar on my jacket, pushed my hands deep into my pockets, and stepped off the curb. One last glance over my shoulder, and I was gone. Fuck it.