A/N Man it’s been a while since I posted a story! I’m actually pretty happy with how this has turned out. I’m hoping that my writing has gotten better. So, here you go I guess.

Disclaimer: If I were JK Rowling, do you honestly think I would be twisting the universe I worked so hard to create? Actually, I probably would so….erm…I don’t own it, kay then? Super!

Voldemort paced up and down in front of the anxious group of Death Eaters before him. Worry showed on each and every face for their Dark Lord, Big-Time Evil Guy, and Kicker of Puppies wore on his face the look that that of a kindergarten teacher wears when announcing an up-coming coloring contest. It was truly terrifying.

“I called you all here today to discuss a matter of great importance.”

Murmurs rippled throughout the crowd of followers because, of course, evil people can’t whisper, no, they must murmur. It is essential to anyone hoping to be accepted into the elite class that is evil.

“Um, okay, I thought I was the one talking here so SHUT IT!”

…

“Ahem.”

Voldemort coughed and composed himself.

“Hehehe, anywhoosies, I figured that since last time things didn’t turn out so great, maybe it’d be better if we all just got out any problems we might have. You see, if we are going to work together, we have to resolve any issues anybody might have. So go on people tell us how you really feel. No one is here to judge you so let it all out.”

It took a while for everyone to realize that this was not, in fact; a joke, and Voldemort was expecting people to talk.

Lucius stood up from his place in the crowd. The authoress would like to take a moment to tell you that the Death Eaters could have been sitting, kneeling, or unicycling for all she cares, as it really isn’t important.

“Lucy, you know, your hair is looks fabulous today. What would you like to share with us?”

“Thank you my lord, I went to the salon this morning. Fabio is a genius with hair. But yes my lord, aside from that atrocious nickname you insist on using, I do have a problem. It seems that SOME people didn’t pay attention last meeting when we decided that I was the only one allowed to have long pretty hair *cough *Deryl* coughcough*”

All eyes went to a handsome man in his mid-twenties who had long brown locks that fell down his back like a chocolate waterfall sitting in the back of the crowd.

The man, Deryl, looked around and said, “Oh! Oh wow sorry, I missed last meeting because I was getting my eyebrows done. Yeah, really sorry, I’ve been meaning to cut it anyway. Yeah, I can pencil in an appointment right after the meeting. Again, sorry Lucious.”

“Well, I guess its fine.” The man huffed, and then added, “And your eyebrows do look glorious.”

Voldemort smirked, because evil people can’t simply smile like normal people. Oh no, in fact, they pride themselves in their smirks. You won’t even be considered truly evil until you have smirk of your very own. The most mediocre evil wannabes are that way simply because they couldn’t find a signature smirk, but I digress.

“See, isn’t this nice? We’re getting somewhere. And no Lucy, I will not stop calling you that because it's waaay better than your given name. Honestly! I mean what sick bastard names their kid Lucious? Did your parents hate you or something?”

A look of anguish besmirched the mans face.

“You know that’s a touchy subject you big meaniebutt.”

Lucy cried and ran out the door, his heart shattering into million tiny pieces. It was a known fact with the Death Eaters that he had some family issues but most people were kind enough not to bring it up until this point.

“Wow, what a wuss! I’m not even gonna respond to that because I’m like sooo not a meaniebutt. Psh! That guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Okay, so back to the meeting. Who else has an issue?”

Wormtail timidly raised his hand.

“Anyone?”

“So no one has any problems?”

Wormtail coughed and raised his hand a little higher.

“Really, so Lucy was the only one? Alrighty then I guess we can-Ah yes! You in the back, go on.”

Wormtail started to speak but was interrupted by the Wizard next to him.

“I say we should have uniforms, my Lord.”

The room went silent as the Dark Lord stood from where he’d been sitting/kneeling/unicicycling. Again, I’ll leave to your imagination.

“Uniforms?”

The man grew nervous as he saw the manacing look upon his lord’s noseless face

“I was simply joking. M’Lord.”

“Oh, you were joking. It was a joke. Well that’s grea-AVADA KADAVRA!”

Lord Voldemort smirked as he pocketed his wand.

“Dark Lords don’t joke.”

The whole room stayed silent, waiting for their master to speak. This actually took a lot longer than one would think. It seemed that their leader was lost in some thought. Death Eaters began to nudge one another wondering when he would snap out of it until someone coughed just loud enough for their Lord to come back to reality.

“Now that I have considered it, a Death Eater uniform could be a good idea. Yes, robes that will strike fear into the hearts of all who see them. And then just maybe we could win the award for best dressed evil ensemble and we cou-MERLIN’S UNDERPANTS! IS NO ONE GOING GET RID OF THIS DEAD BODY? SERIOUSLY PEOPLE I CAN’T BE EXPECTED TO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU!”

Suffice to say the body was cleaned up and Voldemort got back to what he was saying.

“So then, you’re all getting uniforms. We can spend the rest of the meeting thinking of colors but first I have to tell you this great joke I heard the other day. Okay so these hippogriffs-.” Voldemort was cut off by none other than Severus Snape who with an eyebrow raised asked,

“If I may, didn’t you just tell us that Dark Lords don't joke?”

“Well…I’m the exception. Now put that eyebrow down before I burn it off!”

“I would, but you burnt it off last week. This is just the one you penciled in.”

Voldemort was outraged. How dare he backtalk the Dark Lord! Snape was then ordered to get out.

“Fine,” he sniffed. “Why is it that nobody understands me?” And with that, he stormed off leaving everyone a little shocked. Snape had never been known to have random little outbursts, that was more Voldemort’s thing.

“So then, where were we? Ah yes, colors……”

A/N There you go. I left you a bit of a cliffhanger there but that was actually more for my benefit. This way I will probably feel more motivated to write more because I’m actually a very lazy person. Speaking of which, It would be helpful that if I don’t update in a while to just PM me to remind me, because not only am I a lazy person, but I’m also pretty unmotivated.

So anyways, feedback is always appreciated and I like to know where I am as a writer. Thanks for reading!

Peace, love, and lemons

FreakyD