|The AU Attack
Author: The Tin Dogs Bollocks PM
Apparently someone is not quite happy with the turnout on Bad Wolf Bay. A mysterious entity has dragged everyone back there with unsettling delusions to how it should have turned out. Featuring cameos from Captain Jack, Martha, Jenny and the Master.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 2,923 - Reviews: 24 - Favs: 33 - Follows: 1 - Published: 02-03-09 - Status: Complete - id: 4838434
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: I have no idea what possessed me to write this. I suppose it's what comes from eating nothing all day and drinking nothing but Red Bull. Anyway... I really can't think of anything to say about it, so all I can say is enjoy! :P
The AU Attack
Alone again. Well, it was bound to happen eventually wasn't it? After all he was practically immortal. Well, not immortal. Although that would be nice. Plenty of time to brood and mope then. But he had an awfully long life expectancy, which basically meant that he would outlive the majority of his companions. Sometimes that wasn't so bad. Nice to have companions with a short shelf life because that meant it never got to that point where you were both sitting on either sides of the console with nothing to talk about but the weather or if the TARDIS could do with a new set of jump cables. Which would be ridiculous because the TARDIS didn't even have any jump cables.
But the point was that the Doctor was alone again. Donna Noble was back being a temp from Chiswick; Martha Jones had either swanned off with Jack Harkness or gone back to UNIT; Jack Harkness was back amongst the incredibly ripe smelling sexual tension at Torchwood where he belonged; Rose Tyler was living with a human clone of himself in a parallel universe…
Blimey, the Doctor thought as he paused his slow, brooding pacing of the console room floor. I could write a book. Maybe even a bloomin' TV show. I'm make millions in merchandising.
He pondered this for a few moments, and then grimaced and shook his head. The thought of his face plastered on a pair of boxer shorts was just a little nauseating. So with a heavy, self-pitying sigh and pulled a lever on the console. Yup, the Doctor. Back to travelling the universe on his own. All on his lonesome. All on his Norman. Norman Bates, got no mates. That was him alright, Doctor Norman. All alone. With nobody here beside—
The Doctor blinked, and was instantly taken aback. No longer was he standing by the console, brooding about how terribly lonesome he was, but he was on a beach. An annoyingly familiar beach. A beach that he had technically only been to once, but that was enough.
Rose Tyler was frowning at him. 'What are you doing here?'
The Doctor blinked, and then frowned. He looked to his human clone standing beside Rose, looking equally as confused. He turned and saw Donna standing behind him, bewilderment prominent on her face.
'Um…' the Doctor took a moment to take in this familiar scene. 'Didn't I just… get rid of the lot of you?'
Rose nodded. 'Yeah. We were in the middle of our tea.'
'Croissants.' The human clone beamed. 'Haven't had them for a while. Haven't had them ever… actually.'
The Doctor scratched his head. 'Well. This is… peculiar.'
'You're telling me!' Donna cried. She moved forward and slapped the Doctor around the back of his head. 'And you! Martian-boy! Stealing my flippin' memories! You think you're Will Smith or something! With the MIP? Men In Pinstripes?!'
The Doctor cowered. 'You remember?'
'Course I bloody remember!' Donna snarled. 'My conscious was dragged back in time to this moment, meaning I can remember everything that happened since landing on this beach but technically none of us have done it yet. It's probably due to a seismic paralooping quaserlatering body jump.'
'So you've still got a Time Lord mind?' the Doctor asked, eyebrow cocked.
'No, I've just been reading Seismic Paralooping Quaserlatering Body Jumping For Dummies.'
The Doctor turned away. 'No need to be sarcastic.' He muttered.
'Well…' Rose glanced around at the others around her. 'We've basically got three Doctors here, so I'm pretty sure we can figure something out.'
'One Doctor.' The Doctor frowned. 'I'm the only Doctor here.'
'I said technically.' Rose said.
'Oh. Right.' The Doctor nodded. 'I was just making sure that everyone was clear that I'm the one, the only and the best.' He frowned vaguely. 'I promised myself I'd never say that. Sounds so arrogant.'
'Right,' the human clone said, clapping his hands. 'This is my first proper alien mystery so I think I should be the one to deal with it.'
'Shut up, newbie.' Donna snapped. 'Leave it to the professionals.'
Rose turned to him and laid a hand gently on his arm. 'She's right. You better keep out of it. You'll only try to blow us all up to make it all better. That's what you wanted to do to that tractor that was holding up the traffic, remember?'
The human clone frowned. 'Well they can go up to thirty miles an hour you know. There's no need to be driving that slowly.'
'Right, come on people.' The Doctor sighed. 'We need to figure out what's going on here. So everyone can remember what they did after this moment?'
Donna crossed her arms stroppily. 'Not for much longer I won't.' she grumbled.
'What about you two?' the Doctor asked Rose and his double.
They blushed and glanced at each other.
'Don't answer.' The Doctor said in disgust, waving one hand. 'So… well, I think Donna was right when she said it's probably due to a seismic paralooping quaserlatering body jump.'
'Of course I'm right.' Donna snapped.
'Course she's right.' The human clone snapped.
'Alright, calm down.' The Doctor breathed. 'Blimey.' He took in a deep breath. 'Right, so…'
Before he could get any further there was a loud rumble of thunder and a huge crack and purple lightening flashing across the sky above them. The beach beneath their feet rumbled and then suddenly, booming from the clouds above, there came a voice.
'With their journey finally at an end, the Doctor, his one true love Rose Tyler, his human twin and the DoctorDonna standing together on Bad Wolf Bay to say their final goodbyes.'
The four people on the beach looked at each other in bewilderment. 'Um… excuse me?' the Doctor called up at the clouds. 'But, um, I think you have a fact wrong there… somewhere…'
'The Doctor, gentlemanly to the end, offers his true love the best gift he could think of. Himself. For her to keep and treasure. To hold and love-'
Rose shifted uncomfortably. 'This is just getting cringy.'
'But little did the Doctor know that he didn't have to give her a copy. He could give her himself.'
The Doctor rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. 'Do you think maybe someone has just left a loudspeaker on somewhere? Because this is… well…' He cleared his throat. 'I'd like you to stop because firstly, no offence Rose, but she's not my one true love. I like her, y'know, she's… hippy…'
Rose scowled. 'Hippy?'
The Doctor cleared his throat again. 'Um… in a nice way?'
'And little did the Doctor know that Rose was keeping a secret from him. Ever since that night before the tragic events of Doomsday…'
'What night?' the Doctor frowned.
'You mean the night we played Monopoly because the TARDIS broke down?' Rose asked, confused.
'The secret that Rose Tyler was pregnant.'
'What!?' Rose roared.
And then, right before their very eyes, Rose Tyler's stomach began to bulge. The human clone had to hold her to keep her on her feet as her stomach inflated like a basketball. She watched in horror as her t-shirt stretched. Finally, it stopped. Everyone stared at her newly rounded stomach in horror.
'What the hell!?' Rose screamed.
'You must have ate a dodgy take away last night.' Donna theorised. 'My mate Becky had a dodgy prawn curry and she thought she was pregnant.'
'I'm flippin' pregnant!' Rose bellowed, face red.
The Doctor rubbed the back of his neck. 'Um… congratulations? Any idea who the father is?'
'And the father was… the Doctor!'
'What?!' the Doctor yelled. 'I did no such thing!'
Donna shook her head in disappointment. 'She's like, a twentieth your age.'
'What? I didn't! She didn't! We didn't… Tell them Rose!'
'I'm…pregnant…' She breathed like a wild bull.
The human clone, growing increasingly wary of the heavily pregnant and very angry blonde woman in his arms, lowered her and sat her on the sand. She turned around and glared at him, but he moved away with his hands in his pockets.
'The metacrisis was supposed to be a gift,' the booming voice continued, much to the angry protests of everyone on the beach. 'But little did our wonderful Doctor know that he had unleashed an horrific threat on this parallel world.'
The human clone glanced around, hurt. 'What? Me?'
'Yes, you.' The voice replied nastily. 'The brilliant Rose was completely unaware of his evil plot to destroy the universe by pulling down the dimensional walls and degrading the whole universe into dust, destroying everything until there is nothing but cockroaches and Dolly Parton remaining.'
Donna gasped. 'My God!'
The human clone looked horrified. 'I would do no such thing!'
The Doctor scowled at the dark sky. 'I'm getting just a tiny bit tired of this whole thing, so if you'd like to just stop it right now-'
'The only way that the metacrisis can be stopped is if he is swallowed, digested and then excreted by the Peace Serpent, and then sent to a monastery so he can never ever be near Rose Tyler again.'
The human clone blinked and spluttered. 'But… but no! Hey! No that's just… no!'
'Right!' the Doctor roared. 'I want all of this stopped right now! I don't know who you are, or what the heck you're playing at, but I want this to stop! Show yourself!'
'Oh, hold on a minute,' the voice said. 'I think we're in need of some character cutting here. Just bear with me a moment.'
There was another flash of lightening, hitting the ground right beside Donna. Donna shrieked and jumped away. Everyone looked to the spot the lightening had struck and were all shocked to see Martha Jones standing there, looking at them all in stunned silence. She frowned vaguely, and then opened her mouth to speak, only to be struck with another bolt of lightening. The only thing left of her was a pile of dust and a wisp of smoke.
'Martha Jones has been cut because she's boring and she'll never good enough for the Doctor because she's not as good as Rose.'
'What the hell?!' Rose cried, then she winced and grabbed her back. 'Oooh, back pain…'
'You stop this right now!' the Doctor bellowed. 'I'm warning you!'
There was another flash of lightening, and this time Jack Harkness appeared. He glanced around, one eyebrow lifting, and then he smiled brilliantly. 'Hey guys!' he beamed. 'How're you all doin'? Hey, you don't know where Ianto got to with that chocolate frosting, do you?'
'Right, okay,' the booming voice said, making Jack's other eyebrow lift also. 'Donna and Jack are now in love. Very much so. Jack won't even look at another person in the universe when she's around. They're going to get married and have lots of babies, which will actually be Time Lord babies because Donna is now officially a Time Lady.'
'Actually,' the Doctor interrupted. 'She just has a Time Lord consciousness. She's not actually--'
Donna shoved the Doctor and draped her arms around Jack. 'You heard the all controlling mysterious entity.' She snarled, and then smiled sweetly at Jack. 'Should we aim for a boy or a girl first?'
Jack blinked at her in confusion and could only gape.
'Ooh my back,' Rose whined. 'This is bloody horrible. Does anyone have any Malteasers?'
'Right, I think I've been incredibly patient so far,' the Doctor scowled at the sky. 'But it's quickly running out. You don't want to make me angry, whoever you are. You won't like me when I'm angry.'
'Look at my ankles!' Rose cried. 'How is that even possible? I haven't even been standing up for that long!'
'You show yourself!' The Doctor yelled. 'I'm ordering you, show yourself!'
There was another flash of lightening. Jenny glanced around. Her eyes lit up when she saw the Doctor.
'Dad!' she cried.
'Dad?' Rose snarled. 'So you've been roaming all over the place getting poor women magically pregnant!?'
'Jenny!' Donna beamed.
'Well hello there.' Jack grinned.
Donna slapped him. 'Oi! Eyes here.'
'Jenny is also the daughter of Rose, not just the Doctor.'
'Sod off!' Rose bellowed.
'When the Doctor regenerated he had some of Rose's DNA in his system. Their DNA combined to create Jenny. Hence the blonde hair.'
'That's impossible!' the Doctor insisted.
'And bloody unlikely!' Rose snarled. 'She looks the same age as me!'
Jenny glanced around, frowning. 'Where's your other friend? Martha?'
There was another roll of thunder and a crack of bright red lightening. Jenny abruptly vanished, following the same fate of the late Martha Jones.
'No one mentions her!' the voice boomed angrily. 'Anyone who mentions Martha Jones will be instantly disintegrated, got that?'
The group glanced around unsurely at each other and muttered acknowledgements. Before anything else could be said, there was another flash of lightening. The Doctor's face dropped at the sight of the Master.
'Oh, hi everyone!' the Master beamed, and then frowned vaguely. 'Hang on… I'm quite sure I was rather dead a moment ago. Oh well, just another stone in the road!' He laughed once, loudly, and slapped his knee.
'The Doctor, Rose and the Master are going to have a three way marriage and live in the TARDIS to raise their Time Lord daughter together. The three of them are going to re-creatre the Time Lords together, and this will make Rose a Goddess of the Time Lords and because she is now immortal she is going to be having little cute Time Lord babies for all eternity.'
Rose just glared at the cloudy sky, and seethed.
The Master pondered this for a moment. 'Will that mean that I can watch Cbeebies whenever I like?'
'If you wish.'
The Master nodded and grinned. 'Then I'm in.' He clapped his hands and looked between the Doctor and Rose. 'So who's first?'
'I've had enough of this.' The Doctor muttered. He reached into his inside pocket and whipped out the sonic screwdriver. With one fluid motion he pointed it up at the sky and turned it on. There was a deafening rumble of thunder, and then a vibrant fork of lightening. The booming voice screamed deafeningly, causing the ground to shake beneath their feet. Then there was a brilliant white flash, and then silence.
The dust began to settle. Everyone tentatively peered through their hands at the newcomer. The newcomer peered over her sticker-covered laptop and pushed her black rimmed glasses up her nose.
'I should have known.' The Doctor sighed heavily. 'It was a Fangirl.'
The small, mouse like creature giggled sheepishly. Her glasses slipped down her nose again and she pushed them up, glancing around at everyone. Everyone stared at her in awe. Out of everything they had seen, everywhere they had been, they had never come across such a puzzling creature.
'Now,' the Doctor sighed, squatting in front of her. 'I want you to put everything right. Undo all this… this madness. Okay? Can you do that for me?'
The Fangirl let out a little squeak and giggled into her tiny hand. The Doctor lowered an eyebrow, but he was too late in seeing what was coming. The Fangirl pushed her arms out at him with frightening speed, causing him to lose balance and topple onto his back. Before he could recover, the Fangirl had grabbed his left Converse, tugged it off his foot and was fleeing across the beach making a shrill 'squee-ing' sound.
'Are you okay?' Jack asked as he helped the Doctor up.
'Damn,' the Doctor muttered. 'Second time a Fangirl's got my shoe. You think I'd expect it by now. Well, at least she left the laptop. We can put all this to right.'
'Bloody hurry up!' Rose screeched. 'I think my water's just broke!'
'No!' Donna yelled, clutching onto Jack. 'Don't do this! Doctor, no!'
'Oh, Donna,' the Doctor frowned. 'Stop being so dramatic. At least you won't remember any of this madness.'
Before she could say anything else, the Doctor pointed the sonic screwdriver at the laptop.
'So…' the Master frowned in thought. 'Does this mean no Cbeebies?'
The Doctor turned on the sonic screwdriver and the laptop exploded. A moment later and the world became nothing but blinding white light.
When the Doctor opened his eyes again he found himself back in the TARDIS. He lowered the sonic screwdriver and sighed heavily. So here he was again, all alone. The lonely Doctor. Doctor Norm—
'Oh for--' He stopped himself before he cursed to heavily and glared down at his shoeless foot. 'Bloomin' Fangirls.' He muttered, and then stalked off to the wardrobe to find another pair of shoes.