I stared into the portable vanity mirror atop the tiny desk Angela and I both shared. The person looking back at me was no longer a stranger as she had been when I first left Jasper behind. I was now used to seeing this shadow of my former self. The person Jasper had brought back from the brink ceased to be the day I broke up with him.

At first the monster I saw with her pale skin and dark under-eyes was an image that created fear in my heart. Would I always look like this? Did ripping my heart from my body for selfless reasons cancel out any future where I would be able to find joy in life? I had known the answer back then just as clearly as I did now. No, that Bella was gone. There was no hope in me for her return either. As long as Jasper was not with me then this was the way it would be. Over time the horrible creature that was reflected in the mirror might take on a less severe form, but the damage had been done. I was forever changed.

It had been such a struggle to finally go through with what I believed to be the best choice for Jasper. It had been the reasoning voice of Jacob on the phone that reminded me exactly why I wanted to do what I eventually did. There was no way for me topredicthis reaction if I had brought the story of Sam's duplicity to Jasper's attention. At the time none of it mattered, because I would not have taken the chance that his life might end. Had he become enraged and ran off to fight the murderer of Alice or even if the rest of his family had backed the inevitable battle between vampire and werewolf, I still could not have let that possibility take shape.

I wasn't able to see it clearly then, but in the weeks and months afterward when most of my time was spent reflecting on my decision, I came to the slow realization that I was acting much like Edward. His use of deception, convincing me that he no longer wanted me in order to protect my life, was nearly the same as what I had done to Jasper. Although, unlike Edward I hadn't been able to lie and tell Jasper I didn't love him. How cruel would that have been after the time we both spent expressing our love for each other in such a personal act as sex. There was also the fact that his vampire ability let him into my emotions. I could never be false about loving him when he held my very heart in his hands.

As I thought back to the misery Edward inflicted on me with his leaving and then eventual return, I remembered how it all had seemed moronic back when I was the victim. The unnecessary suffering we both endured apart and yet, here I was recreating the same scenario with the roles in reverse. I was now the fraud, breaking apart a love for reasons that seemed less and less concrete to me over time.

I tried not to wonder how Jasper was doing or if he was feeling the same sadness I had endured after Edward left. I lied to myself saying he would get over me, because he was a vampire. He had already lived longer than I ever would. I was merely a blip on the radar for him, but deep down no matter what rationale I used to convince myself Jasper would move on, I knew it wasn't true. I had seen the look on his face when I told him it was over, the shocked anguish and then anger. It almost gave me cause to retract it all. Then of course he had left before any words could be spoken. His absence only made my resolution stronger. I would follow through with my plan. Still as I stared at the girl in the mirror I couldn't deny how much I regretted my choice. If I was able to go back I would, but what was done was done. That part of my life was over. Jasper would find someway to move on. He had an eternity to forget me. I on the other hand …

I heard a soft sigh behind me and recognized the sound of my ever faithful roommate and friend Angela, who was waiting patiently for her turn in front of the vanity.

"Sorry." I mumbled moving away from my reflection forgetting exactly why I was there in the first place … I didn't wear makeup.

"It's okay" She said patting my shoulder before pulling out some pink lipstick from her purse to smear on her mouth, "Is it one of those days?" Angela asked even though she already knew everyday for me was one of those days.

I moved over to the small bed that was positioned directly across from Angela's and sat down. I had 30 minutes until my first class of the day and already I wanted to crawl up into a ball and just sleep away the remaining hours until nighttime. "Jacob called this morning. It's always hard to hear his voice … it reminds me of home and of … him."

Angela nodded and came to sit next to me, "Bella, I understand why you left him. It was too painful for you to be involved with someone related to Edward, but seriously don't you think that this state you are in is actually worse?"

It was an argument I heard often from her. My friend never relented. Of course, I wasn't able to tell her the real truth about why I broke up with Jasper. Maybe if I had she would leave me alone. Still I knew it was impossible to stay irritated with her for long. It was plain to see her heart was in the right place and that Angela wasn't capable of nagging simply for the sake of it. She truly wanted to help rebuild my shattered life. It was just too much though at that moment when already I was feeling the pain of being without Jasper.

"Please, Angela. Not today." I grimaced at her.

She nodded and like a good friend gave me the firmest of hugs that could also be interpreted as – I will drop this … until tomorrow. Then with a quick bounce off the mattress and to her feet my roommate picked up her books which had been neatly placed on the nightstand in between our beds. Then grasping them in her arms Angela headed towards the door, but turned back to look at me just before opening it, "I'll see you in English?"

"Yep." I replied, looking down at the pile of books and papers at my feet wondering just which ones belonged to which class.

"Then tonight at Café Solstice, Ben and I will be there. Are you excited about your first time playing at open mic?" Angela said in a voice that I felt was far too joyful for the early hour.

Oh, yes. Open mic. I hadn't forgotten, but I had hoped Angela and Ben would. Screwing up my first solo guitar playing gig would be easier when all the faces in the crowd belonged to strangers. Besides Ben and Angela there was only one other person I ever talked to on campus, but this pretty much was because he was like a persistent fly in my ear constantly asking me out. I was sure that my admirer slash stalker Daniel Dean would be there as well. Damn it! Couldn't a girl find a way to express her sadness in song without the cheer leading squad being present?

"Angela, you are only allowed to be there if you keep your mouth shut. No supportive hollering from you. Got it?" My voice was feigning an authoritative tone, but I meant every word I said.

She imitated an imaginary zipper crossing her lips before giving me the sincerest of smiles and waving goodbye. I doubted that her little gesture would keep her silent for long. She may have been the quiet type, but Angela possessed the ability to transform from a wallflower into my loudest support system when it involved my music. She had seen the role music played in helping me heal somewhat from my constant depression. Although, my friend wasn't aware that the tunes I casually strummed out each day were ones belonging to Jasper. It was the only way I could feel close to him now and as I mastered my former boyfriend's songs I found a balance between my sadness of missing him with the remembrance of his love. The used guitar had been one of my first purchases upon arriving at Seattle University and beside Angela it had become my greatest confidant.

I looked over to the instrument, which was unceremoniously leaning against the foot of my bed. I had no idea if I was ready to actually perform his music along with the lyrics I had written. Yet, I needed to make an effort. It was the only way I was able to feel him now. His force was in the music and along with my words it was the one form the two of us would ever be together again.

Staring at the guitar my mind conjured an image of Jasper playing while we were both in the meadow. These were memories I tried to forget, because they simply hurt too much to see and as a result of my musings I felt a sob beginning to build in my throat. Quickly I decided it best to leave these thoughts before I missed my class. I was barely passing as it was. Too many absences were already piling up due to my inability to move past a broken relationship. I seriously needed to be an adult and pull myself together. If I was ever going to reclaim some sense of normalcy then I had to force myself to at least live.

Go to class.

Yes, even Jasper's ever present voice inside my head was telling me to go. I rolled my eyes at the figment of my imagination. He hadn't been as chatty as he first was when I arrived at school, but still he was there just waiting in the wings to tell me what to do when he or rather my demented mental state deemed it necessary.

"Jeez, I'm going." I muttered and then picked up my Biology book from the floor along with the assignment that was due … already the day was beginning to feel long.

I managed to get through my classes without any major hiccups or emotional crippling sadness which I was glad for. The knowledge that my performance was going to take place in the not too distant future was always lurking in the background, but focusing on school along with trying to avoid Daniel, kept me occupied. I wasn't too lucky on the latter since the two of us shared class midday. The rows upon rows of seats inside the lecture hall sat numerous amounts of students in our Humanities class, but somehow my creepy stalker always found a way to place himself near me.

I simply grinned and bared it. Although, he could be forceful at times with his attempts to win me over, I found it hard to be weary of a guy who was less put together than your average Casanova. Daniel was a musician and when he found out I liked to tinker with the guitar as well then that was all she wrote. Add to the fact that we both had a penchant for dressing down and this inevitably made me his dream girl. When I actually took the time to observe the real him through his rectangular glasses and unshaven face all I could see was a golden retriever much like Mike Newton, someone else I had grinned and bared through their advances.

My inclination earlier that he would remember open mic just as Angela had was correct. This meant it was pretty much set in stone that three witnesses I knew would be present to see me in my most raw form. I tried to take it all in stride and not let this fact prevent me from performing. It was something I had been working on for months and finally I had gathered the courage to put my name on the list of those who would play music while patrons sat around drinking their coffee and beer at Café Solstice. I couldn't back down. This would be the final place I could truly be honest with myself about Jasper … that I still loved him and nothing would ever change that. The lyrics I had blended with his music spoke the truth.

"See you tonight." Daniel winked at me when we both exited out into the hallway after class.

I tried to push down the groan I felt building in my chest at his overzealous commitment to seeing my performance and grumbled, "Sure, sure." before turning my back on him.

As I left Daniel behind I still did not feel extremely anxious about open mic, but by the time the sun found its place on the other side of the world leaving only darkness behind I was a bundle of nerves. The amount of butterflies in my stomach kept increasing with each hour that passed leading up to my debut. Then when I eventually found my footing on the small stage and positioned myself on a stool in front of the microphone, I was sure there was a whole nest of monarchs making a home for themselves inside my body. They all had migrated to my stomach.

"Hi, my name is Bella." I managed to squeak out as a massive amount of feedback protested the sound of my voice.

A burly guy came up to fiddle with the microphone and I tried not to stare out into the sea of faces all judging me and waiting for my failure, trying instead to analyze the shoelaces of my faded tennis shoes.

You will be fine.

Jasper's confidant voice spoke through my self-doubt and I had to stop myself from answering him out loud.

If only you were here to see this. You were the one who helped me improve and encouraged me to write my own lyrics. I'm only doing this for you, Jasper.

I pulled in a breath as the sound engineer walked away. Then I looked up to face the crowd only to have my intake of breath caught in my throat when I surveyed those in the audience.

What the hell?

The place was not packed, maybe a handful of people at best, but out of those present more than half were wearing costumes. Some even had the pale face makeup of vampires along with cheap plastic fangs covering their teeth. The image sent a shock through me and I had to fight the sudden urge to leap off the stage away from these crazies. It was as if they knew I was planning on singing about my love for a vampire. They were mocking me! This was insane!

Calm down, Bella. It's Halloween.

Was it, really? Had the month of October already passed by to where we were now on the last day before November? I tried to think if there had been any tell-tale signs of a change in season, but mostly all I could recall was my dorm room and guitar. It was rare for me to ever leave for anything other than class and the probability was high that I had missed this holiday approaching.

Crap! Out of all the days to do this.

I tried my hardest to look past those in front of me and decided to stare over their heads and out through the shop windows instead. No one was looking at me there, although I got the faintest glimpse of a head of dazzling blond hair and couldn't help, but compare it to Jasper's before the person it belonged to moved out of my vision.

"Play a song!" I heard a heckler shout which was followed by a much quieter "Shhhhh!" that I could only assume came from Angela.

The sound of those two noises pulled me from my dumbfounded state and I promptly moved my hands into their positions over my guitar to strike the first chord.

A thrill pulsed through my body as I began the song, which wasn't an uncommon thing for me to feel. Every time I sang it happened and this time was no different. The jolt of electricity that raced from my head to my toes was comprised with a mixture of surprise at hearing my own voice out loud and also the nervousness I felt. I just knew that I would screw up and end up sounding like a 14 year old boy going through puberty.

I always felt that my wordplay sounded too precious against the richness of Jasper's work, but I forged on trying to make my voice sound deeper, forcefully swinging it into different ranges until I was satisfied I had pushed the melody enough for my emotional anguish to break through. Even the love-lost clichés in my lyrics found their voice eventually and became an equal partner with Jasper's music until I found myself emotionally drained from the pain of remembering. As a result when I finally let myself slide into a soft whisper set alongside the last few notes of the song, I felt tears beginning to form behind my closed lids. When the end had been reached there was no time to register the erupting applause before I ran off the stage to find myself a small bathroom stall to hide in. I was on the verge of collapse. It had all been so powerful and I felt like Hell, but there would be no regrets from me about what I had just accomplished. It was over and once the strain of it all wore off, I knew that a better feeling would be left in its wake.

"Bella?" I heard Angela whisper as the door leading out into the café swung open and closed.

I pushed my stall door outward and then fell into the waiting arms of my friend. She held me tight not saying a word. After having lived with me for the last few months, Angela was well aware that the ambiguous nameless person I sang about only minutes before was Jasper and the amount of effort I had mounted to do just that was monumental.

"You were perfect out there. Everyone was speechless, including Daniel." She said when our bodies eventually parted.

"He's here?" I automatically groaned.

"Be nice." Angela chided, "He's sitting out there with Ben and he's even bought you a congratulatory drink."

"It better be alcoholic, because that's really what I need right now." I smirked and Angela patted me on the back all too aware that I did not drink.

I controlled my irritation enough at having to join the company of Daniel and managed to sit down at the table the two boys occupied. I was even able to make light conversation while I sipped the coke Daniel had bought for me. Just as I had predicted my mood was lightly shifting from the unbearable depression I couldn't escape from for months to a moderate sadness. Perhaps the more I sang about Jasper the more I would be able to feel him and not have to suffer alone.

"Was that song written about anyone in particular?" Daniel asked casually interrupting my reflections on Jasper.

I sent Angela a quick look of desperation before turning to face my admirer. All the while I tried not to glare at his impertinence, "I … uh … no. It was just made up … and …" I trailed my voice into a whisper suddenly aware that I was feeling dizzy.

"Are you okay, Bella?" I heard Angela's slightly panicked voice, but when I shifted the direction of my gaze to her I found that she was beginning to blur.

"I'm sure Bella's fine. She's just feeling the after effects of the rush of playing music live. It happens to me all the time." Daniel interjected, "Here, I'll take her home."

I felt myself being lifted to my feet and then a long lanky arm wrapping around my torso. What the hell was he doing? I wanted to shirk his hold on me, but couldn't find the will to do it. In fact my mood was becoming quite complacent.

"Is that what you want?" Angela asked me, the cynicism in her voice directed at Daniel.

"Sure." I waved nonchalantly at her before being whisked away out the door.

I was vaguely aware that my guitar had been left behind, but my escort was walking in such a hurried pace that I barely had time to remind Angela to bring it back to the dorms with her. What in the world was going on with me? I felt so weird and after awhile realization seeped into my cloudy brain. The sensation I felt was similar to having taken a dose of cough syrup.

I could hear Daniel mumbling words of irritation above me, but it seemed my consciousness was fading and his voice sounded like he was underwater.

"Where are we going?" I found myself asking.

"My car." He answered curtly.

"Like hell you are!"

At first I thought the growl spoken belonged to Daniel, but it seemed a bit off that he would have been arguing with himself. Then as I felt my weight being shifted into another set of arms … ones much colder, the dulling of my senses began to sharpen for the smallest of seconds. My head felt so heavy, but I managed to focus my eyes up enough to see a very familiar jaw line.

"Jasper?" I asked and wanted to follow up that one word with so much.

Only I wasn't able to, because the world went black.

Author's Note - I would have very much liked to give words to the song Bella sang, but I seriously suck at poetry. Can't even do haiku. So, I hope I was able to get the emotion of her song across with what I wrote.

Also thanks to everyone who reviewed the prologue I wrote for 'Beyond The Darkness'. I should be done with 'Change Heartache Into Courage' sometimes in January and once that is accomplished all my focus will be on that story. Thanks again!