Ok, so here you have it, the full story for the witches of forks. There will be lemons, some mroe lemons, and then some more just because, well there are three horny devils in this story so of course there are going to be lemons.

Also people may be out of character a bit, or a lot, but that cant really be helped.

So you have been warned!

Finally I can't promise my normal updates for this cos I haven't actualy written that far ahead so I am writing as I go, which is new for me, but the updates should still be fairly regular :)

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or The Witches Of Eastwick, tho I am quite partial to a horny little devil or three :)

Chapter 1: Royaly Screwed.

There was a knock at the door, my fiends had arrived. Every Thursday we would get together, drink ourselves silly and talk about how boring our lives were. I opened the door and came face to face, or rather to hair, with Alice. My oldest and dearest friend. Behind her, standing more than a foot taller, was Rosalie. My second oldest and dearest friend.

Rose was holding a bottle of Tequila, a bottle of Triple sec, and some limes. Alice had her tiny arms laden with every kind of snack you could imagine.

"Come on in." I told them holding the door open so they could get out of the rain.

"How you doing tonight?" Alice asked me as she stood on her toes to get some bowls down.

"Same old, same old." I replied.

"Isn't it always?"

"You know what we need?" Rose piped up as she dragged the blender form the cupboard.

"What?" Alice and I asked at the same time, even though we knew the answer.

"We need to get laid." she stated.

"You say that every week Rose." Alice shouted over the noise of the blender.

"It's still true though." she answered.

"It may be true, but who is there to choose from?" It was the same argument we had every week.

"Mike Newton just got divorced." she offered.

We all stood there, looking at each other before a chorus of, "Ewww!" rang out.

"How did you know that?" I asked once we had stopped laughing.

"His wife put a notice in the paper." Rose had one of her smug grins plastered across her face. There was something else.

"What did it say?" Alice asked, bouncing.

"It was an obituary." she stated before taking the pitcher of Margarita's and the limes into the living room.

Alice and I stood in the kitchen, watching as Rose's back vanished into the living room. I looked back to Alice, who had an identical look of shock on her face, before grabbing the nearest bowl of junk food and charging into the living room. Rose was a writer on the local paper. It wasn't the glamorous journalist job she had always wanted, but it paid the bills.

Alice was hot on my tail as we both screamed, "Tell me now!"

"Drink first." Rose told us, having already poured them.

We took our seats on either side of Rose and grabbed our drinks. I took a sip and turned expectantly towards Rose. Alice was in the same position.

"Spill." I ordered, taking another sip of my drink.

"Well, the boss was in a bit of a tizzy. You know how obituaries are normally free? Well he decided to charge her for this one, it was so funny." she reached forward to take her glass off the table.

"Stop stalling Blondie. Spill." Alice snapped.

"So I took a peek at it before it went of to print. You will wet your pants at this one girls." she paused for dramatic effect before putting on the fake voice of Mike Newton's wife Jessica, "Mike and Jessica Newton. This death has been coming for as long as anyone can remember. It has not been peaceful, and never was. I wish that I could offer you all fond memories of our time together, but there are none. May our marriage rest in the ashes of Mike's pitiful equipment."

"W-O-W." I breather after a moment. "The girl always did have a way with words."

"I know, but isn't that just a bit harsh? I mean can't the paper get sued or something?" Alice wondered as she finished the last of her drink.

"If it wasn't true, yeah. Thing is, he tried to sleep with one of the girls in the office, but couldn't get it up. Jess didn't know, so if he says anything Kate, the girl in the office, threatened to tell his wife." Rose always came to us first with the town gossip.

It wasn't that we enjoyed spreading it around. Everything she told us stayed between the three of us. It was just that life was so dull in this dreary town that there was nothing else to do. Our husbands had left all three of us here, or rather exes. Rose's left her because of the number of kids she had. Alice's left her because she couldn't have any. Mine? God only knows. One day he upped and left. It didn't help that we had all married our childhood sweethearts. So here we were, another Thursday, another dreary, raining day in the sunless town of Forks.

We spent the night drinking, talking about our good for nothing exes, and discussing what we wanted to do in our lives. Which basically added up to, getting laid, leaving Forks, and what time we were meeting next Thursday.

"I was serious earlier you know." Rose slurred; we had finished our first pitcher and were well into the second one.

"'Bout what?" Alice answered, her head resting on my knee after she moved to the floor.

"We need to get laid." she said, pouring yet another round of drinks.

"Rosie. We've been over this. There's no-one round here to get laid with!" I cried, frustrated.

"So who do you want?" she asked me.

"Someone tall." Alice sighed.

"Everyone is tall next to your Alice." we laughed. Alice was the local music teacher. Barely standing five feet tall, she was tiny, in every aspect. When she was with us she was the life of any party but send her out into the world, and she was as quiet as a mouse.

"Ok, so Alice wants tall, Bella?" Both pairs of eyes turned to me, waiting.

"Oh, all right. Tall, not just a couple of inches taller than me, but tall enough that I have to look up to see into his eyes." I was lost in my daydream of the perfect man when I noticed that the others had gone strangely quiet. Looking up I saw them both staring at me, "What?"

"Someone's been thinking about this a lot." They accused.

"So?" I demanded, "Like the two of you haven't."

"Well, are you going to tell us more or what?" Alice commanded.

"Oh yes, Bella. Tell us about this dream man that you have concocted." Rose ganged up on me.

"Fine, but you two are spilling too." I offered.

"Deal." they both agreed.

"So, he has to be tall, you already know that. Charming, you know, in an old fashioned kind of way. Like opening doors and stuff. Good looking, very good looking, and well built. Not overly muscled, but just enough to tell that they are there. Oh! Hair. He has to have a reasonable amount of hair, not hippy long, but not short either, and musical. That about covers it." I said in a rush. It was, admittedly, something that I thought about, a lot.

"You missed the two most important bits." Rose sang, the alcohol getting the better of her.

"No, I covered it all." I mumbled.

"Nope. You missed the eyes, and what size you prefer." They were trying to kill me.

Copious amounts of alcohol over the year's hadn't done the trick so they were going to kill me through embarrassment. I had always been easily embarrassed, always the first to blush. They both knew that, so the only explanation for their question was that they were trying to kill me. Though I wasn't sure you could die from too much blood to the brain.

"Do I have to?" I whispered pathetically.

"YES!" they shouted.

"Big. Your turn, Alice." I tried.

"We will return to that." Alice sighed before starting on the description of her perfect man, "Tall, again, but at least a foot and a half taller than me. Blond hair, rocking body, southern accent, and polite. Someone right out of the Civil war era would be perfect, or at least well read and intelligent. Then, of course, well endowed." she finished off in the most posh voice you could imagine sending us all to the floor in hysterics. If Alice could be like this all the time, she would get a man in no time.

"My turn." Rose shouted from the kitchen. Fortunately the house was small enough that we didn't really need to shout to be heard.

"Ok. I want my man, taller than me." she began, "But only just. Big, everywhere. Muscles upon muscles upon muscles kind of big. Burly, and playful. Any man of mine has to be playful, and good with his hands. If you know what I mean."

"You know we all missed out the eyes." I said as we sat staring into space thinking about our dream men.

"We did. Strange," Alice mused. "I never really know about the eyes. Sometimes I think blue, but then I think again and, I don't know. They just don't seem to have a colour really."

"You know, its the same for me. Sometimes I think brown, and then other times they seem to change." Rose agreed.

"Me too. Green, though. Then a strange colour, not fixed, almost fluid."

"So, its agreed. We all want tall, well muscled, good looking, well endowed, polite, talented, and strange eyed men." Rose summarised, "Well ladies. We are well and truly screwed. Or not as the case may be."

"Here's to being royally screwed." we all raised our glasses to the impromptu toast.

The next morning I woke up with the mother of all hangovers. When I dragged myself down to the kitchen, one painful step at a time, I saw why. We had devoured the entire bottle of Tequila, the whole bottle of Triple Sec as well as the bottle of Vodka that I had in the cupboard from Christmas. I set about clearing up the mess we had made, after taking two painkillers and finishing a bottle of water.

It wasn't long before my hangover was nothing more than a dull headache, and the house was tidy again. I left the washing up until last; the glasses always seemed to take the longest to wash and dry. As I stood washing them, enjoying the morning silence, I remembered our conversation from last night. Well parts of our conversation. I laughed to myself as I remembered our toast to being royally screwed. As I was thinking about the dream men we had created in our imaginations the phone started to ring.

"Hello?" I answered, snatching it up before the ring could aggravate my hangover.

"Good morning sunshine." Rose sang down the phone.

"What's so good about it?"

"Cheer up, Bella, at least you got to sleep in." she told me. How she could be so cheerful after drinking that much I would never know.

"I have the best news." she said, getting to the point of her call.

"Jessica took Mike back?" I guessed.

"Nope. Someone bought the Mason mansion."

"Never?" The Mason mansion had been empty for years. It was the biggest house in town, though no-one had lived there in years it was beautifully kept with the most amazing gardens.

"Not just someone. Three. Single. Guys. Brothers apparently. No-ones seen them yet, but I have to go and do an interview with them over the weekend. You in?" She said in a rush.

"Three single guys?" I asked to make sure I hadn't heard her incorrectly.

"Yes, Bella. Three, single guys. So you in or not? I want to get a good look at them before the rest of the town has chance to poison them against us." She had a point there. It wasn't that we were hated, or un-liked really, but people had their own ideas about us. There were rumours all over the place, and given half a chance there were some people that would talk trash about us before we even had a chance to defend ourselves.

"Yes, I'm in. You called Alice?"

"Called her first. Saturday at 11. 'Kay." she told me before hanging up.

I finished tidying the house, but my mind was elsewhere. Saturday at 11 to be exact. Was it really just a coincidence that three single men showed up in town the day after we wished for that exact thing? Shaking my head I laughed at myself. Of course it was, I was just being silly again.

There you go. I know its the same as the contest, as is the next chapter, but after that we get Alice's POV. I'm jsut adding this first part so that it all makes sense.