Author: Rasengan22

Pairing(s): None for the most part, but I am a Naruto/Sasuke writer so I imagine there will be at least subtext of that nature. Yes some of the dates will include GIRLS. Ew. I know. So if het freaks you out, then don't read the story. Any complaints of that nature will land you straight on my ignore list. Cheers!

A/N: Hi! Happy Valentine's Day. Not a huge fan of the holiday. Think it's weird. But I had an idea (2 or 3 parts) that seemed suitable for the day. Gonna go write the rest of it and try to finish everything I want by Sunday.

So. Please enjoy the story. Be happy if you are sad. Use protection. -flings condoms-

BTW. Story may contain spoilers. Takes place between chapters 405 and 408-ish. Right before Naruto does sage training.

The Plan

“There is no way in hell I’m gonna go along-”

“You damn well better go through with it you ungrateful brat!”

Naruto scowled at the word brat. “This is stupid, old hag. Surely there are more important things I could be doing-”

Tsunade sliced her hand through the air as if wielding a kunai and narrowed her eyes, hunching dangerously over her desk. “What, what is it you think you can do that the rest of us aren’t already trying to do?”

Naruto puffed out his cheeks impertinently. “Oh, oh, I don’t know. Training? Beating the crap out of that guy who-”

Again, he was interrupted by the thunderous hammering noise of Tsunade’s fist slamming down on the desk. It caused a crack right down the middle, wood splintering out in every direction. If Naruto wouldn’t have dodged, one of those pieces would have taken his eye out.

“Dammit, you old woman, watch what you’re doin’! How the hell am I supposed to fight that bastard if I’ve only got one-”

“NARUTO!”

Naruto winced, eyes popping open to comic proportion. Still, he pulled a face and looked away, frowning.

“Just shut up while I explain this to you again! If you utter a single word or groan of complaint, I am going to shove my foot so far up your butt that my toes will be tickling the insides of your brain. That is if you had one, of course.”

Naruto opened his mouth to retort how physically impossible that was, but at Tsunade’s glare, he clamped it shut.

“Good.” Tsunade leaned against the back of the chair, fussing with a pigtail, which she swept from behind her shoulder to her chest. She plucked at the black rubberband on the right pigtail and smirked. “As I was trying to say before you so rudely interrupted me-”

Again, Naruto opened his mouth and promptly closed it, dodging as a red metal stapler came flying toward his forehead.

Tsunade cleared her throat. “Ahem. You have been doing nothing but getting in everyone’s way this week, being a brat and pest, and your shitty attitude isn’t exactly motivating anyone in particular-”

Naruto held up a hand but was forced to stop, drop, and roll to the floor as Tsunade hefted up a heavy wooden globe on the edge of her desk and threw it with both hands. It made a sound like a cannon as it smashed into the wall opposite the room, where it lodged and then dropped on top of a bookshelf, rolled off and thunked onto the floor. Very calmly and casually as if this had happened many times before, Naruto straightened himself up, ran a hand down his black mesh shirt to dust himself off and sat back down in the chair. He had the audacity to smirk.

Tsunade smirked right back. She picked up a pen and twirled it in her fingers. “Good reflexes.”

Naruto shrugged.

“Until the results get back on that body of Pain’s-” Here Naruto’s eyes formed angry slits, hands fidgeting in his lap as he glared at the floorboards. “Look at me, Naruto.”

Naruto gave it a few seconds, but then he did look up, blond eyebrow arched, the other twitching. The turquoise jewel of the First’s necklace flashed, catching a ray of light flooding through the office as Naruto slouched like a hunchbacked old man.

“Until the results get back,” Tsunade continued, voice low, impatient and authoritative. “You need to find a way to relax! You’re lucky I don’t kick your ass for the way you talked to me the other day-”

“Why don’t you just wash my mouth out with soap then,” Naruto grumbled under his breath.

Tsunade felt a tic coming on, the side of her face twitching abnormally. “WHAT WAS THAT?!”

Naruto busted out a fake killer smile and batted his eyelashes innocently, jamming his hands into the pockets of his orange jacket. “Nothing, Hokage-sama.”

Tsunade growled ferociously at the mocking words. “I’d like to say this is going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you, but that WOULD BE A BIG FAT LIE!”

The room shook with the sheer volume of Tsunade’s yelling, the top of her ample breasts popping out of her low-cut shirt jiggling. Naruto leered, caught himself and turned an interesting shade of red.

“Why the hell can’t you dress like a normal ninja?” He groused, rubbing at his cheeks as if he could rub the blush away. There was nothing more disgusting than getting off to the idea of an enormous pair of tits attached to the body of a fifty year old female gorilla. The pure repulsion filtered into his expression, and Naruto spat and choked, gripping at his throat like he was dying.

Tsunade had to keep herself from flying over the desk like an animal and strangling the choking blond teenager. She took in a deep breath, promising to reward her patience tonight with several bottles of sake and the knowledge that Naruto would try to fight this for all he was worth. The thought of Naruto cursing her name when she wasn’t around caused her to smile wickedly, Naruto, all the while, watching her with weary, disturbed blue eyes. He scratched at his chest like a primitive man and rubbed the side of his nose, sniffing.

“So what is it I have to do?” Naruto finally relented.

“I’m glad you asked,” Tsunade said cheerfully, trying to keep the cackle at bay. She steepled her fingers on top of the desk as if she were a mad scientist and leaned forward. Naruto raised his eyebrows. Tsunade eyed him for a moment in suspicion and then opened up one of the desk drawers where she took out what appeared to be a top hat (Naruto didn’t ask where the hell she’d gotten it from) and a piece of paper as well as a pen.

“What’s all that? You want me to perform some kind of magic act, what the hell?” Naruto got to his feet and made like he was going to storm right out of the Hokage tower.

“SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW!”

Naruto faltered, stopped mid-stride, backed up a few steps and dropped into the chair.

“What I want you to do is write down the names of at least twenty people you’ve met in Konoha that mean something to you.”

“Twenty?!” Naruto balked. He wasn’t even sure if he KNEW twenty people. “What the hell is this for anyway?”

“Bonds, Naruto.” Tsunade said simply and seriously. She pushed the paper and pen his way.

“Bonds?” Naruto repeated in a curious voice.

“Yes, bonds. Since you’ve been gone, a lot has changed. Things are also going to be getting extremely dangerous soon. While you have downtime waiting for the results of that autopsy, this is the perfect opportunity to renew and strengthen those bonds.”

Naruto tilted his head. He looked as if he were ready to protest. His stubborn gaze met Tsunade’s, and he could see that she wasn’t backing down. Naruto sighed, huffed, sighed again and like it was the hardest thing for him to do in the world, he snatched the piece of paper off her desk and grabbed the pen.

“Twenty people?” he asked.

“Twenty people,” Tsunade answered. “I’d highly recommend only writing the names of people you actually like.”

Naruto studied the old woman distrustfully. “Twenty people I like… “ he mumbled, ticking off his fingers as if already making a mental list. He glanced up abruptly, before the pen even had the chance to write the first name. “And then what?”

“I’ll tell you after you make the list.”

“Can I include Gaara?” Naruto requested hopefully.

Tsunade placed her cheek in her hand. “If you want. I suppose that would be okay.”

Naruto grinned. “I haven’t seen that bastard in a while.”

Tsunade’s eyebrow had a violent spasm. She growled, “Just. Start. Writing.”

Naruto gave another huge sigh, staring at the blank paper, staring at the tip of the pen as if it would unravel the mystery behind Tsunade’s demand. What a pain in the ass! First he wrote the numbers one through twenty. Then he wondered if he should be putting his name at the top, so he signed his name slowly and carefully, studying the sloppy characters with satisfaction.

“Important people to me…” he murmured. “Wait. Does it matter if they’re alive or not?” The instant he asked though, he frowned at himself, Tsunade carefully watching the changes in the boy’s expression.

“Alive would be better,” Tsunade replied softly. “There’s nothing we can do for the dead but remember. But for the living, there are far more precious things you can give.”

Naruto blinked at her incredulously, but nodded. “Okay… twenty people that are alive… who are precious to me. Got it.”

For ten minutes, Naruto scribbled down twenty names, carefully thinking through his choices, never scratching out one name to replace another. He had a good idea of who to pick.

“Finished,” he said, grinning broadly as he handed the paper to Tsunade. “So how’d I do?”

“It’s not a test, dimwit,” Tsunade sighed, briefly looking over the list of names before she started to tear the paper apart.

“Hey, wait!” Instantly, Naruto jumped to his feet. “What the hell are you doing?! You can’t just-”

“Would you keep your voice down, I have a headache!” Tsunade screamed with equal volume. “I’m not tearing it up, I’m ripping it into pieces.”

“Gyah! What’s the difference, you old battleaxe!? Those are my friends!”

Tsunade rolled her eyes, continuing to rip up the paper until she had twenty strips sitting on top of her desk in a pile. She grabbed for the hat, scooped up all the names and threw them inside. She studied Naruto as she shook the hat, the pieces of paper flopping around inside. Naruto stared at her in wonder and confusion. He took a couple of steps toward the desk and the Hokage. Satisfied, Tsunade stood, leaving the hat on top of the desk. She circled around and stood behind Naruto. She started to undo the knot of Naruto’s forehead protector, easily untying it with her nimble, practiced fingers.

“Uh…” Naruto croaked uneasily when he felt warm breath on his reddening ear and the breasts rubbing against his back. Tsunade lowered the forehead protector so that it covered Naruto’s eyes. She retied it, making sure that the knot was tight. Naruto flinched as it pinched him. “Erm… I mean…”

Tsunade lifted an eyebrow at Naruto’s mumbles. “Alright,” she said with finality.

“Now, um… listen, uh, this would be my first time and all so… and this is kinda kinkier than I expected of you, old hag… I… be gentle?”

Tsunade stared at the blindfolded boy, vein pulsing, temple throbbing, eyebrow twitching. “I’m going to forget you said that, for both our sakes’.”

“Huh?”

Tsunade picked the hat up off of the desk and held it out in front of Naruto, giving it one more shake. “Now pick ten names.”

“Wha-?”

“Stick your hand in and draw out ten pieces of paper, and once you’re done with that, I will explain further.”

Naruto pouted, bottom lip jutting out like a fat, red slug. “Fine, just stop nagging-” Tsunade thwacked him on top of his head, large lump already forming.

“Oww!” Naruto whined. He reached into the hat and began picking out the names, one at a time. Tsunade took each strip, smirking at some names, smiling at others, and frowning at one in particular. When Naruto picked out the tenth and final name, Tsunade put them in the pocket of her robe, untied Naruto’s forehead protector and put it in its proper place.

Naruto fussed with the knot. It felt different when someone else tied the back of it. He adjusted the metal plate over his eyes so that it was properly centered.

“First, I want to ask you one thing before I explain what’s going to happen,” Tsunade said as she went back to sit behind her desk.

Naruto clasped his fingers behind his head and leaned his weight on one foot. “Mm’kay.”

“Are you sure all the names you put in the hat are people precious to you?”

Naruto’s face scrunched up in blatant confusion, “Huh?”

“Do you regret any of the names you put into the hat? Now’s the time to say so.”

Naruto frowned. “Of course not! They’re all my friends!”

Tsunade gave a curt nod of satisfaction. “Okay then. Starting tomorrow, you will receive instructions and you are to follow them to the T. Do you hear me?” She lowered her voice, making it clear there was no room for discussion or disobedience.

Naruto bounced on his heels, swaying back and forth, bony elbows up in the air. “Yeah, yeah. I hear ya. If I don’t do what you say, you’re gonna stick your foot up my ass and tickle my-” His nose scrunched up. “Hey, wait. How did that go again?”

Tsunade bowed her head in dismay. To think this boy was the pride and future of Konoha. It hurt too much to think about right now.

“A messenger will come to you in the morning with your instructions. Just remember, no matter what happens, you are the one who is responsible for the names you picked.”

Naruto blinked at her stupidly, dropping his arms to his sides, then rethinking it, he crossed them over his chest. “I don’t get it.”

“You’ll get it by the end of tomorrow night.” Adding because she could and it amused her, “Or else.”

Naruto closed an eye shut and cocked his head. “Dubious.”

Tsunade blanched. “How do you even know that word?”

“Hangin’ around Shikamaru a lot these days. Eh. You pick up all kinds of big words talking with him. Of course, hangin’ around with Kakashi has also increased my vocabulary. Do you know what cunninglingus is? At first I thought it was a type of udon noodle dish but then-”

“Please stop talking.”

Naruto shrugged, oblivious. “Okay.”

Tsunade closed her eyes, breathed, counted back from twenty. “Just… follow the instructions. Do what they say. Pretend it’s a mission if you have to… there will be ten assignments…”

“Wait, will they have to do with the names you made me draw out of the hat?”

“Very perceptive, Naruto.”

“Yeah, well-”

“Now go home.”

“Oh, uh. Okay-”

“Now.”

“I’m goin’. I just-”

“GET OUT!”

“Sheesh,” Naruto muttered, turned on his heel and left the office, the heavy door slamming shut as he exited. A framed photo of a foreign dignitary swayed, wobbled and fell off the wall. Tsunade shook her head and planted her forehead on top of the desk, groaning miserably.

“What a brat,” she grumbled, lifting her head to rest her chin on her folded hands. She stared at the framed photograph of what once used to be her team: The Third, Orochimaru,… Jiraiya. Tsunade focused on the white-haired little boy beside her in the picture. Her eyes began to blur and she shut them again, lowering her head back onto her hands.

“Jiraiya,” she whispered in an unsteady voice. “You would have approved of this… right?”

TBC