Disclaimer: I don't own or claim to own The Boosh.

A/N: Just some Valentines fluff I wrote last night. Borrows heavily from the Buffy episode 'Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered', hence the title.

Valentines Day.

Howard hated Valentines day.

Actually, that wasn’t true. He liked to think that beneath his rugged man-of-action exterior, he had a sensitive soul capable of deep love. Then there was all that cream poetry. He’d be good at Valentines day. Howard paused in thought as he imagined the intellectual yet comely woman he would woo with carefully composed sonnets and bookmarks with romantic messages.

That was the problem of course. This woman did not exist and he would be spending Valentines day alone, as usual. Worse, actually he would be spending it working in the shop. With Vince. Who was bound to have at least a sack full of cards and spend the whole day needling him about his lack of cards or date.

And much as Howard liked to think that he was impervious to Vince’s jibes, that he was above anything that little twat might have to say, the truth was it pissed him off no end. And he knew it. And Vince knew it.

Howard sighed as he saw the way the shop had been decorated. Heart-shaped fairy lights, paper hearts, silver cupids dangling from the ceiling. And in the middle of this monstrous affront to good taste, its creator, dressed in red trousers and a black t-shirt with roses on. He grinned as Howard entered the shop.

“So, what d’ya reckon?”

“It looks like a tart’s boudoir,” Howard sniped. This put-down didn’t seem to phase Vince in the slightest.

“Thanks.”

“That wasn’t supposed to be a compliment. It’s hideous. What were you thinking? This is a respectable retail establishment. People come in here expecting serious…”

“What do you mean ‘people come in here’?” Vince interrupted. “No-one comes in here. You scared them all off with your trumpet sock display last week.”

“You know perfectly well I wasn’t responsible for those pictures of me getting into the display!” Howard narrowed his eyes at Vince, who was laughing behind his hand. He half suspected Vince might have had something to do with the mysterious appearance of those pictures, although that hadn’t stopped Naboo docking his wages for the lack of custom the shocking display had caused.

“So, Howard, February 14th,” Vince began. Oh great, Howard thought, here it comes. “Get many cards, did you?”

He remembered last year all too well. He hadn’t got a single card but had pretended to have several. Then of course the truth had come out and they had all laughed at him for a week.

This year was even worse. Because this year he actually had got a card. Not from anyone he would want to receive a card from. From someone he would prefer never to see again. From someone he would prefer not to know his address. It wasn’t signed, but it had a watercolour picture of a bottle of baileys and a heart on the front and smelled faintly fishy.

“Just the one, this year,” Howard sighed, deciding to own up. Vince raised his eyebrows in surprise. He chewed his lip and tapped his fingernails on the counter. Resist, Howard told himself, resist, he wants you to ask. Vince sighed loudly.

“Alright, go on then, how many cards did you get?” Howard asked sulkily.

“Three hundred and fifty seven,” Vince beamed proudly.

“As if you did. You probably can’t even count to three hundred and fifty seven.”

“I can’t help it if I’m more popular than you, Howard. You know if you want to get girls to send you cards you have to actually talk to them first.”

“I have social phobia. It’s a condition.”

“Yeah, well, I can’t see you getting any more next year, without the aid of magic.”

Magic.

Vince continued to chatter away, something vaguely disparaging about his dress sense, Howard had no doubt. But he wasn’t listening, because he’s had an idea. Like a light going on his head. Magic. Of course.

Under the pretext of making tea, Howard decided to sneak upstairs and pilfer a few items from Naboo’s room. Flicking quickly through a spell book, he found what he was looking for.

A love spell.

The first problem he came across was a lack of ingredients. Although Naboo did stock unicorn tears, they were out of sugar. Oh well, salt would do, wouldn’t it? It looked pretty much the same.

The second problem was the lack of a specific girl to cast the spell on. Better to leave his options open, Howard decided.

The third problem was trying to work out whether it had worked. There was no flash or bang after he’d finished reciting the incantation. Maybe he’d done it wrong. He tried again. Still nothing. Better do it a third time, just in case.

Tidying up as best he could, Howard slipped back down into the shop.

“Where’s my tea?” Vince demanded.

“Oh, I…er…drank it,” Howard replied. Vince glared at him. “There wasn’t any sugar,” Howard remembered suddenly. Vince was satisfied with that explanation. He couldn’t even eat Frosties without two spoonfuls of sugar on top. “Why don’t I go out and get you a cappuccino instead?” Howard offered. Vince looked at him suspiciously. Howard hoped he hadn’t overdone it. It wasn’t that him going out to get Vince drinks was exactly an unusual occurrence, more that he usually had to be nagged into it and reluctantly agree. He never offered.

Outside, Howard rubbed his hands in glee. Finally escaping the confines of the shop he would be able to see if his spell had worked. He headed over to the coffee shop.

The girl at the counter smiled at him! She actually smiled! Ok, that wasn’t exactly a declaration of undying love, but Howard had to admit that it was a definite improvement. He decided to pop into Costcutter to pick up some more sugar. A girl on her way out of the shop was definitely looking at him. And not in a terrified way. He heard someone wolf whistle as he passed the dried goods. An old lady at the counter let him go in front of her, remarking that he had a handsome face. Ok, so not exactly what he was looking for, but definitely a start. The spotty teenaged lad serving blushed and giggled as he packed Howard’s shopping into a bag.

Outside the shop, a small crowd had gathered. A girl approached him.

“Look, I…um, don’t normally do this, but, could I have your number?”

“Certainly, young lady, let me just…” Howard searched in his pockets for the paper he had scribbled his number on. This was it! He was being asked for his phone number. Just then, another girl came over, smiling flirtatiously and twirling her hair around her finger.

“Hi, would you like to go out with me?” she asked. The first girl glared at her.

“I asked first.”

“So?” They glared at each other. Howard tried to placate them.

“Ladies, ladies, there’s plenty of Howard Moon to go around.”

“Howard!” Another girl was calling his name.

“Howard I love you!”

“Howard, will you marry me!”

“Howard, I want to have your babies!”

“Howard, here’s a picture of you and me having sex I did on photo shop!”

Howard started to get nervous as they closed in. He still really wasn’t comfortable with people touching him and yet here they were, pawing at him, pressing closer. He started to head home but they followed him, calling his name and arguing with each other.

“Howard’s mine!”

“No, he’s mine!”

“Howard, my little blue baby boy, it’s your Bobby Bob!”

“Do you love me?”

“Aaaargh!” Howard shrieked and broke into a run.

Something had definitely gone wrong.

He reached the door, but they were closing in on him. Someone was even pulling his hair.

“We belong together!”

“If I can’t have you, no-one can!”

“Please don’t kill me!” Howard begged, “I’ve got so much to give!”

Just then, the door opened and a pair of hands whisked him inside. Howard shut the door, triple locked it and leant against it panting hard. Vince was looking at him, hands on hips.

“What are you doing you blueberry muffin?”

“I…they…you…you’re normal?” Howard asked, looking at him.

“What are you on about? I’m more normal than you, at any rate.”

“Oh thank god!” Howard dragged Vince upstairs. “They’ve all gone mad, they’re after me. I’ve never run so hard in my life!” He flopped down onto the sofa.

“Cup of tea?” Vince suggested.

“That’s be nice.” Howard closed his eyes. Then opened them in surprise as he felt a pair of hands on his shoulders.

“What are you doing?”

“Just giving you a massage. Blimey, you’re so jumpy!”

“Sorry.” Howard sat back and closed his eyes again. When he opened them, Vince was right in front of him, straddling him. His eyes widened in surprise.

“Howard?” Vince cocked his head to one side.

“Yeah?” Howard said warily.

“We’ve been friends for ages now, haven’t we?”

“Quite a long time,” Howard agreed nervously. Vince trailed one finger slowly down Howard’s arm.

“Do you ever wish we could be more than friends?” he asked huskily.

Oh shit.

“No no no no no! Not you as well!” Howard pressed himself back into the sofa away from Vince and his big eyes.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it?” Vince said, pink tongue flicking out to moisten his lips. Howard tried very hard not to look at it.

“I…no,” Howard squeaked, “No of course not!”

“We could be good together, you know,” Vince went on, undeterred, one hand creeping up Howard’s thigh. “You and me. Think about it Howard.” Howard was trying very very hard not to think about it. Which was difficult when his body was having totally inappropriate reactions to Vince’s inappropriate touching.

There was a bang at the door. The mob were still there, then.

Vince leaned closer and whispered in his ear.

“I want you, Howard,” Vince purred. “I want you to…”

“No no, I’m not listening!” Howard said, covering his ears with his hands, “This isn’t you Vince, you don’t really want to, stop it!”

“I love you, Howard. I’ve always loved you!” Vince cried and lunged forwards, pressing his lips against Howard’s. Howard, who had never been kissed before, tried not to think that it was the most wonderful sensation he had ever experienced.

There was a further crash from downstairs. Shouts could be heard.

“Howard’s mine!”

“He’s mine!”

Vince pulled away from Howard and frowned.

“Who’s that?” he demanded.

“I don’t know! One of the mad mob who want to catch me and rape me,” Howard replied.

“They’d better not touch you, you’re mine,” Vince said fiercely and headed for the stairs, grabbing a pot plant.

“Vince, don’t go down there, they’ll tear you apart!” Howard pleaded. “Just wait for Naboo, he’ll know how to fix this.”

Vince paused.

“Tell me you love me,” he demanded.

“I…don’t be ridiculous, Vince, it’s just a spell!”

“I’m going down. I’ll fight for you if I have to.”

“No, they’ll kill you, they’re under a spell!”

“Then I’ll die for you.”

“Alright, alright, I love you. Ok? I love you.” Howard mumbled, embarrassed. Vince grinned soppily, running to Howard and flinging his arms round him. Howard tried to turn his face away but Vince grabbed his chin and turned it back towards him, planting another kiss on his lips. Howard fought the urge to moan and told himself he’d push Vince off any minute now, when a voice interrupted them.

“What the hell’s going on?”

Howard peeled Vince off and turned to see a pissed off Shaman glaring at them, hands on hips.

“Um…”

“There’s an angry mob outside…are they your fans, Vince?”

“You can’t have Howard,” Vince snapped, “He’s mine.” He flung his arms around Howard’s waist.

“Er…they’re sort of my fans,” Howard explained sheepishly. “I might have done a teeny tiny spell that’s gone just a little bit wrong…”

Fortunately, it only took Naboo five minutes to reverse the spell. From the window they could see the crowds dispersing, muttering confusedly to themselves, tearing up their photshopped pictures of Howard in bemusement and disgust.

Howard sighed at the proof that he was now as unpopular as ever.

“Thanks Naboo.”

“Ballbag,” said Naboo. Bollo just shook his head. Vince…where was Vince?

*

Three hours later and Vince still hadn’t come out of his room.

“Come on, Vince, I’ve said I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to, the spell just went wrong. You’re not still mad at me, are you?” The door opened suddenly and Vince appeared like a glitterball of fury.

“What do you think?” He said angrily. “I’ve never been so humiliated!”

“It doesn’t matter,” Howard said, in a tone of voice he hoped was calming but was probably quite patronising.

“Doesn’t matter? I kissed you, Howard! I said I loved you.”

“But I know you didn’t mean it, it was just the spell.”

“You’re so thick sometimes, Howard!” Vince said and slammed the door in his face.

Howard retired to the sofa, scratching his head. What did Vince mean? He was supposed to be the thick one, not Howard, that was how it worked. Although having ballsed up the spell already, Howard wasn’t feeling particularly intellectual at this point in time.

There was no moment of revelation. It was more like a creeping feeling of doubt. Fifteen minutes later Howard found himself knocking on Vince’s door again. This time, it pushed open.

Vince was sat on his bed, hugging his knees. Howard sat down next to him.

“I’m really sorry.” He put his hand tentatively on Vince’s shoulder. Vince shrugged it off.

“Don’t touch me.”

“Isn’t that supposed to be my line?” Howard joked. Vince didn’t smile. “Vince? Did you mean…did you mean what you said earlier?”

“Care to be a bit more specific?”

“Um…when you said I was thick…”

“Oh, yeah, I meant that.”

“No, I mean…were you, perchance, referring to…”

“Perchance?” Vince mocked.

“Did you mean it? Was that earlier…was it…not the spell?”

“Oh no, it was the spell.”

“Oh.”

“Just…it wasn’t only the spell.”

“Right.”

“I…I really fancy you Howard.” Vince confessed.

“You do?” Howard’s eyes widened.

“It doesn’t matter. I know now that you’ve never even considered it…”

“You’re wrong,” Howard told him.

“You mean…” Vince looked at him, big eyes shining. Howard looked awkward. Vince shook his head and looked down.

“You turned me down.”

“I did want to…if I thought you had the slightest idea what it would mean to me…but you were under a spell, Vince. Are you mad with me for not taking advantage of you?”

“I’m not under a spell now.”

“So…”

“So stop ninnying about and take advantage of me,” Vince said, pulling Howard down onto the bed. Their mouths met, tongues sliding together. Howard allowed himself to give in to the feeling completely. It was bliss.

“I think I’m seeing stars,” he said breathlessly as they pulled away.

“We haven’t even started yet,” Vince told him. Howard shivered with anticipation as he pulled him into another slow kiss. “Hey Howard?”

“Yeah?”

“Happy Valentines.”