Thanks all for the reviews!!! :D I'm so glad people still read the madness!!!!!111!!!!ahahaha!!!! (I'm sorry. I missed you people. The reviews are fun.)

Disclaimer: I don't own WWE. I don't own Cena or his hat. I only own this brain that works in mysterious ways.
Inspired by: I was having a convo with a cute girl and was stupid enough to say 'Looking for my boobs while eating a popsicle.' That inspired me to this... Oh dear.
Warning: The mother of all crackfics. I do apologise. Sincererelemy. (Wtf?) This is LONG! Again!

Chapter 10; John Cena.
ENJOY!

08:15
John Cena here. One of the many John's on this planet. John Morisson, John Cena, John... I think I missed one? Anyway, this is my journal, but because my name is John I will call it my Johnal.
Please do not read my Johnal, for it is personal and contains secrets you can't know about. Like... Well, it doesn't matter.

08:25
First I need to tell you how I live. I live in a house with The Great Khali and my hat is taped to my head, thanks to Batista. I've tried to remove it on several occasions, but that tape is so strong, it's stronger that the Cena.

Khali lives here because he's not allowed to buy his own house. He has destroyed his previous homes and to prevent that from happening again the state stated Khali would be a hobo from then on.
Considering the fact Khali is a giant with hands twice as big as mine and a head that could crack a rock I decided to let him live here. I was afraid he would eat the other hobo's. And yes, that man eats a lot, just look at Batista's diary. It's full with blah about Punk, Khali and the jungle.

09:00
Just a warning, I am Cena. I am great. I write great things. Great things are great, therefore I need great words to describe them, therefore this might contain a lot of text.
Do not worry, reading something by Cena (Even though you shouldn't because it is personal) will only increase the size of your brain and the amount of braincells it contains at the moment.

09:12
This is how it works... 'How to increase the amount of braincells by John Cena':

1. Count your braincells right now.
2. Read this. (Even though you shouldn't because it's personal)
3. Count them again.

You will notice that when you reach step 3 you either; Have thrice as many braincells as you did before, or, have died because I saw you read this and I did 5 knuckle shuffle on your ass.
Therefore you should only read this when I am not around. You will regret it. You will, your brain will, your braincells will and your wallet will. Especially your wallet since coffins and headstones aren't very cheap.
Unless you decide to make one yourself. In that case...

'How to make your own coffin and headstone by John Cena':

1. Get wood. Chop trees, steal it, buy it, borrow it or whatever.
2. Get stones. Large stones.
3. Get tools. Steal them, nobody ever misses their tools, and whenever they do people usually tend to think they put them away in the wrong place and stop searching. I know, because that's what I do.
4. Get a permanent marker.
5. Get glue or supertape like I have on my head.

Okay, you have what you need.

1. Nails, hammer and wood. Make a box. Hammer nails into the wood until you think 'Hah, I can fit in there!'
2. Dig a hole. If you can make your own coffin you can dig your own hole too right?
3. Put the wooden box in the hole. Do not make a lid yet, it comes later.
4. Grab the stones. Glue them together.
5. Grab the marker... Now write on the stones something like 'Here lies Mr. Orton, I died yesterday. Unless you're reading this tomorrow, in that case I died 2 days ago.'
6. Read my diary and make sure I see it.

Next thing that will happen is I will kill you, sell your soul to the Undertaker and I will happily place you in your hand-made grave. I'll grab the remaining wood and place it on your 'coffin'. Then I will close the hole and voila, no money spent on your own funeral.

... Wait, what was I going to say again?

09:23
I should write a book named 'Making coffins for dummies'. I'd become even richer.

09:32
Khali is up too. He's running around, roaring... I wonder what his problem is, something odd is going on. Like yesterday he bit me and then he said 'I need money!'.
I whistled at him. I am not sure why but it seemed rather appropriate.

09:35
I am going to the mall later on because I need flowers. I am in love with this girl (no, not Kane, even though everybody appears to think so) and I know that flowers are the way to a woman's heart.
That and Chuck Norris' fist as I read earlier.
Well, I don't have any Chuck's around so I'll stick to flowers.

09:39
Y2J just called...

"Cena beana, I got news!" Chris sounded very happy.
"Yes, what is it?"
"Christian and I... We're a new tag-team. And we're going to tag against you and... " Y2J paused.
"And?"
"And Batistaaaaaaaa!"

I don't see what's so great about that? I don't like the Animal anymore, he's the reason I still have my hat taped on my head. My hearing is bad because of the tape and my head itches so bad I actually ran head-first into a wall yesterday.

It left a crack in the paint.
And my skull probably.

09:47
Damn tape it cracks me up.

10:00
Mark would say "And you didn't even need a nutcracker!".
I'm glad Mark's not here.

10:06
Playing videogame. Resident Evil Code Veronica. Am stuck. This blonde keeps appearing and mumbling, then he smashes me into something and I get killed by a monster.
Calling Punk, the master of Resident Evil. (And needles.)

"Punk, this blond dude keeps smashing me into a tank and then a sticky creature kills me." I explained.
"That's Wesker." Punk sounded bored.
"The sticky creature?" I frowned. What a strange name for a monster.
"No, the blonde." Punk sighed. "You should yell at him."

10:10
It happened again. The blonde smashed me into a tank and swoosh, a sticky thing appeared.
"Wesker, keep your monsters in your pocket!!!!!!!" I yelled at my tv.

10:11
It didn't work.

10:13
No more games for me.

10:23
Hmmmm... I should check . It's a chatbox hosted by Punk. Rather than selling weapons he now owns a chatbox. I'm glad his brain is functioning again

10:30
Chatbox is crowded today. There are 4 people, while usually I'm the only one in there talking to myself.

10:31
Cena: HI!

Ken: And then Bob's head was bobbing to the tunes of Bob Marley's song about bobbing heads for Bobs.

MarkyMark: I hate that name... Bob.

Kane: Me too. It's so very unoriginal.

MarkyMark: Exactly.

Cena: So is the name Mark.

MarkyMark: Cena...

Cena: Yeah?

MarkyMark: Now you're REALLY going to hell!!!!

10:37
I'm in there for a few minutes and have already pissed of the Undertaker. Oh shit.

10:40
Should I run or should I hide? Should I hide in a barrel and then run away with the barrel on my head? Running and hiding at the same time seems like a great idea.
Or I could just call my bodyguard.

10:43
On the phone with my bodyguard.

"Listen bodyguard, the Undertaker wants my soul..." I glanced out of the window to see if Mark was around.
"Oh. How does that make you feel?" Beth Phoenix asked curiously.
"Scared." I stated honestly. "Come over and help me Oh Great Glamazon."
"Later on oki? I need to beat up Santino first." Beth sighed. "In the meanwhile I suggest you hide."

She hung up on me. Boo, women.

10:55
Hiding in the basement, which seems like a bad idea. Taker is from Hell, his favorite places include really hot countries, burning factories and well, basements.
Should I hide in the attic?

11:00
I don't have one. Why not? My house is missing parts. I thought it was odd when it didn't have a kitchen, but not having an attic is just the equivalent of strange.

11:12
I was going to hide underneath my desk, but I found out Khali is there already. Khali is a giant, how does he fit there?

11:15
"How does that fit?" I stared at the Punjabi Giant under my desk. He was knitting something, don't ask me why.

"WHAAAAT?!" He roared. How come Khali always roars?

"How do you fit under my desk?" I scratched the back of my head. Or rather the back of my hat.

"SOCKS!"

... He makes no sense.

11:21
Maybe he's knitting socks?

"Are you knitting socks?"

"RAAAAHHHHHH..."

That's no help at all.

11:24
Having a conversation with Khali is harder than having one with a bottle of Pepsi, I assure you.

11:26
Not that I tried... Hehe. Don't be ridiculous.

11:39
Still trying to find a place to hide. I wonder when Beth will come over and protect me. The only weakness of the Undertaker is Beth Phoenix. Why? Because he likes her ass.
Hey, at least I'm honest.

11:46
Hiding in a garbage can. Taker will never find me here because he's afraid of dirty and smelly things. Which makes me wonder... Why isn't he afraid of Steve?

12:00
Maybe he taught Steve how to bathe himself? Or he's the one bathing Steve which is very... Let's not think about that!

12:12
For the love of the The Big G! The Phenom has found me! He must be... psychic.

12:15
Am still in garbage can, though now upside down. I finally feel what it's like to live on the other side of the world, where everything is upside down.
Mark said Chinese don't live upside down, but I don't believe him. The earth is round and flat. Like a pancake.

12:17
Reminds me... Umaga once baked a bunch of pancakes that looked so stupid everyone called them 'Tiny mutant pancakes'. It pissed him off so badly he tried to make us mutants too. With his frying pan.

12:18
Can't get out garbage can...
Call Ken?

12:26
"Ken, I am stuck..." I mumbled. "And I don't smell very nice either..."
"Hmmm mebbe yuu abl t apple." Ken snickered. "What?"
"What the hell did you just say?" That made no sense to me at all.
"I was talking to Carlito... What were you saying Johnny boy?"
"I'm stuck." I stated once more.
"Ah, just like me in a wooden shoe?" Ken asked curious. Ken knows all about getting stuck.
"No, in a garbage can..." I felt my face burn. Not with embarassement but with hot sauce. Never jump into a can filled with hot sauce.
"Oh, in that case I can not help you."

Ken hung up.
ARGH!

12:28
I don't even remember why Mark was angry with me in the first place!

12:36
Am out! Am taking a shower! I really need to sit down in a washing machine so my hat gets a good washing too. I should make another attempt to remove it from my head.

12:39
Nailpolish remover? YES! That stuff eats away any substance that sticks.

12:45
Hmmm the fumes make me sick... And lightheaded. Oh fumes, don't kill me. I just want to get my head off.

12:47
I meant hat.

12:56
The fumes... Heavenly fumes. I just saw that Oprah came over to visit me! Is that not lovely? Must give her something to eat.

13:08
Gave Oprah some smores. I don't like smores, they're so... Black. You know.
She's roasting them in my iglo. I never knew I lived in an iglo?

13:12
"John Cena, you should be the legend killer." Oprah stated while drinking my secret stash of chloride. "And you need to change your hair."

I nodded at Oprah. Oprah's always right. It's odd, I thought she was black? Did she do the same thing as Michael Jackson? Is Jackson even yellow? Huh?

"John, did you know Pokemon is real?" Oprah asked me. "Because it is..."

I nodded again. I know. One time Edge caught a crab and the next day it evolved. It turned into a seal. I remember.

"Look John..."

Staring at Oprah. She's... Turning blue? Oh my big G! Need I use CPR? NO! Shes evolving! OH MY LORD OPRAH! OH! I must call Kozlov! No! I can not! Kozlov works for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, they have no phones, only helmets!
Oprah! Oh dear Oprah!

Oprah has evolved into... A tree?
How very utterly boring...

13:34
The tree is coming after me! Oh no! I must flee. Run for your life John! RUN!

13:37
Running away from my iglo which had a lot of doors if I might add. I don't think Oprah Tree will ever find the right one though! Trees have no sense of direction.
I wonder where I am? Hey, is that... Khali?

"Khali! Oprah turned into a tree while we were cooking smores and drinking chloride in my iglo!" I was flailing my arms to look dramatic. "And then I fled!"

"Perhaps you need to do a sommersault." Khali stated wisely. "It will help you."

Made an attempt to do a sommersault and landed on my hat. Yes, my hat, which is still on my head. My head is attached to my body, which is quite a relief.

"John?" Khali was staring at me. "Yesterday the mouse of your computer caught a worm, can I keep the worm?"

I nodded and started to back away from Khali. Khali's nose... It's bigger than Triple H's! OH NO KHALI! It will consume you!

I ran off again.

13:65
I didn't know there were 65 minutes in one hour?

13:76
WOW!

14:09
Oh. Hey, fourteen o'clock, is that possible?

14:13
Ah, I found a pool! A pool! Nobody is in it so it's all mine! I will do a cannonball!!!!!

14:18
ouchiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee... I'm gonna cry.

14:19
Fata Morgana?

14:23
Hey, who's that? And why is he coming at me? Must be... An assassin! OH NO LORD NO!
Assassins are the root of all evil because, as Triple H stated before, there's 'ass' in it twice.
Asses are the root of all evil, I'm telling ya!

14:37
Hiding from the assassin.

14:38
Hiding in... a TREE! OH NO!

14:49
I'm safe here... I'm at... I don't know whose house, but safe nevertheless. I like this house, it's made of cardboard. Must've been a hobo that built it.

14:55
Trying to find my boobs while eating a popsicle.

15:00
Fifteen o'clock. How odd...

15:06
I don't have a popsicle. Oh hey, someone's approaching. I hope it's not Khali-Nose, Oprah Tree or the assassin... Hmmmm. Maybe it's a hobo. I think it is!

"Hello!" The hobo smiled at me and I saw he had no teeth left. "Did you steal my house?"

"Indeed Mr. Hobo." I stated firmly. "You can live in my iglo! Make sure Oprah Tree does not kill you in your sleep! Sleep with one eye open and the other in your pocket! Otherwise she might steal it!"

The hobo cocked an eyebrow.

"No cocking, hobo!"

...

18:00
What-the-fuck-happened?

18:09
My head is killing me...

18:12
"John? Are ya up?" I heard someone on the other side of the door. Wait, where am I anyway?

"Eh yeah."

Glen entered the room, looking confused, amused and a little short-fused. "John, were you huffing paint today?"

I shook my head. "No, why?"

"You called me a hobo and tried to make Shawn drink chloride."

So that's what happened... Oh. I must've been high. This is killing me! What else did I do?

18:16
I just read my diary... Oh hell.

18:22
Headache! Make it stoooooooooooooooooopppppp!

18:23
"I'm sorry John, when you called me a hobo I knocked you out." Glen was still in the room. "Then I felt bad and brought you here."

"Where's here?"

"My house." The Big Red Machine flashed me his evil smirk. "Didn't notice the cats yet?"

Oh yeah. Bunchlax, Thor and mr. Humphries are sleeping on my bed. With one eye open if I might add. Their eyes are staring, I do wonder why. If they don't stop doing that they will die.
Huh. Poetic.

18:30
"Get some more sleep John." Glen grabbed his cats from the bed, not remaining unharmed since Bunchlax is Satan in disguise. "Good night."

18:32
What-a-day. I'm going to sleep this headache away and I will never ever huff nailpolish remover again. Good night journal Johnal. Good night.

About 3000 words again. Im sorry for crackficking so much. But it amuses me, I found my love for humor back. (That is if you can call this having a sense of humor... Hehehe.)
Suggestions on who to do next are welcome. (No diva's, no Randy Orton or one of his lame friends. Sorry.)