After watching the first season of Mad Men on DVD and loving it, I felt I had to contribute something to this small, selective pool of Mad Men fanfic. Hence, this -- the description of the ideal Sterling Cooper executive. Hopefully I've done Matthew Weiner and his cast justice, because they put out a great product that's hard to reproduce.

There's a code that sets down who the Sterling Cooper man really is. They give it to you the moment you set your cardboard moving box on your desk, along with your standard issue desk lamp, your blotter, your pens, and the name on your door. It's never written down, never spoken about, not even by the secretaries who keep the image in line. They don't know that they do it -- they just do. It's a part of the place just like the desks, the lights, or the carpet -- a fixture, often ignored, but crucial to the daily running of New York's biggest little advertising agency.

The Sterling Cooper man wears a suit that was tailored for him. He wears dark socks, shined shoes, and perfectly pressed pants. He always looks put together, but he is not ostentatious. He keeps a handkerchief in his suit pocket at all times, in an unobtrusive color, unless he is a member of the art department, in which case a little color can be tolerated. He does not give this handkerchief to female clients who are in the throes of emotional distress, or secretaries who don't know how to stop crying because the coffee was too hot, or too cold, or the typing they did yesterday was not to her employer's satisfaction. The Sterling Cooper man does not let these women unnerve him, because women belong in the steno pool, or behind a desk, or in a house in the suburbs. They do not belong in offices, unless they are asked to be there, and the Sterling Cooper man does not tolerate anything more than a minimally invasive picture of his wife and family to intrude on his masculine office space.

The Sterling Cooper man is always masculine. He is in advertising, and advertising is a man's world. Women are not allowed in at all.

The Sterling Cooper man is strong. He goes out and parties with gorgeous women with his clients one night, and then gets up and goes to work looking pristine. The Sterling Cooper man does not get hangovers. He soldiers on without the in-convenience. He usually drinks three or four glasses at the office without so much as a glance backward, and he can usually be counted on to have a few more after work. The Sterling Cooper man takes his drinks simple. He does not need fancy bartending, unless he is out impressing a client. He does not order drinks with flashy names, and his preferred beverage is something strong and masculine, like rye or scotch. If he is having a bad day, vodka will substitute. When he goes out, he makes sure his date's cocktail looks more dressed up than his own, because women should have a little flash in their lives. The Sterling Cooper man also smokes regularly, and looks good doing it. He does it to maintain his image, and because his clients depend on it, and because, perhaps, he likes it. No one ever knows.

The Sterling Cooper man's motives are never quite clear. If they are, he has failed as a member of his profession.

The Sterling Cooper man is reassuring. He can convince anyone of anything. He is, at the end of the day, a salesman, though no one would ever call him something so tawdry to his face. It is not necessary that he be handsome, or deep voiced, or tall, so long as there are other parts of his personality that will compensate for this. He can be many things to many people, but in all of his roles he is a leader. The Sterling Cooper man is always leading the pack. If he is slowing the pack down, he is fired.

The Sterling Cooper man is all about image. His wife is beautiful and well dressed, and does not say much when he is out on dates with her. She is an accessory, but she cannot be changed like a set of cufflinks. The Sterling Cooper man maintains a pristine reputation, and is far above divorce, though he is not above having a good time. His women are always beautiful. He is reserved towards his wife, but he is also affectionate if he needs to be. He does not seriously entertain the idea of leaving his wife, even if he may mention it to his mistress. If they have children, the Sterling Cooper man is a good father. He works late, so he often does not see his children until they are in bed. When they are awake, they behave, because the Sterling Cooper man expects the rigorous discipline he exhibits himself. He does not mix business and family, and if he can, he keeps his wife in the suburbs and his work in the city. He keeps his mistress and his love affairs in the city as well, because the Sterling Cooper man has needs that must be met even when he cannot catch the 5:21 home. The Sterling Cooper man is a man of habit who always catches the 5:21 home, always sits in the same seat, and always smokes the same number of cigarettes on the way.

The Sterling Cooper man's world cannot change, and as a Sterling Cooper man, his sheer will can keep it from moving on.

The Sterling Cooper man is the picture of health, even when he isn't, in fact, healthy. He is a very good showman, and he knows how to sell his product -- himself -- very well. He is never ill, because his sick days are usually spent in a woman's apartment. When he is ill, he does not complain or sniffle or litter his desk with tissues. He is above such germane things. He never has mental breakdowns, and if he does, they are accompanied by a large glass of something alcoholic, a cigarette, and they take place in a locked room where no one can see. As everyone knows, the Sterling Cooper man is above emotions.

The Sterling Cooper man is disciplined. Except, of course, when he isn't. But those times do not get talked about.

The Sterling Cooper man is a man in a haze. He does not have a past, unless it is filled with stories that can be used to woo clients, and his life is like a chessboard, black and white. There is no room for deviation in the Sterling Cooper man. He does not see psychiatrists, and he does not allow his family to, either. He knows what he is about, even if no one else does.

The Sterling Cooper man is full of secrets, from the minute he first walks in the door to his office to the minute he leaves the company for good. They are not all monstrous or enormous secrets, but one of them is always this –

There is no such thing as the Sterling Cooper man.