It’s so awesome that so many of you are fans of Mike’s mad dancing skills.

As always, I don’t own Twilight & Co. That’s SMeyer’s department. “Nothing Gold Can Stay” is property of Robert Frost.

What Impossible Means
Chapter 12 – Nothing and Nowhere Is Golden

I groaned and groped blindly at the nightstand by my bed, knocking the book I was reading onto the floor in the process. Finally locating the blaring alarm clock, I hit the snooze button and buried my face back into the pillow.

I hated Mondays. With every inch of my being I wished it was Sunday again. Mondays meant dragging myself out of bed and into the shower at a ‘reasonable hour’, trudging to school with equally as unenthusiastic students, and write a weekly quiz in Spanish for kicks.

Mondays meant I was as far as I could get from Saturday. The weekends were quickly becoming the highlight of my life because on the weekends I could spend more time with Edward and the Cullens, learning more about his life and his new family. If I had to be rushed away quickly, it was not an ending to the day, as it was during the week, because there was time for Edward to go out, cool off, come back and try again. On weekdays, as soon as I screwed up and did something as outrageously stupid as blush, my time was up and I was sent home for the night.

This past weekend had been different. I had stayed away from Edward, knowing that it was quickly becoming hard for me to control my reactions to him. Most girls dreaded blushing because they thought it embarrassing, a giveaway to their insecurities and desires. For me, each blush could be my last. I could see the way Edward would shiver in anticipation as the hot blood rushed to my cheeks, the way his throat would work and his jaw would clench. It was terrifying and yet completely unavoidable.

It was becoming especially unavoidable now. Edward’s piercing gaze nearly undid me as he watched me, almost unblinking, when we were together. He followed every movement with the precision of a hawk. At first I convinced myself that he was just trying to figure out who I was and gain some insight into his own self before the change. That had all changed.

“You’re beautiful,” he’d said. Then we’d gone through knick-knacks from childhood and I had explained to him, in the quick of it, how much he had meant to me – how much he still meant to me.

Things were getting too intimate and too personal. How do you explain an unspoken moment of just being together to someone who doesn’t understand that connection anymore?

I had a sense that in his time as a vampire, Edward had become steadily more disconnected from both the human world and the vampire world. Though Alice seemed to be genuinely attached to him, and he returned her affections in a somewhat watered-down version, he didn’t seem to be incredibly close to anyone else in his family. From what I had gathered in my short time with the other Cullens, Edward had often kept to himself. His newfound closeness to his family was solely out of interest of keeping me alive – a consequence of our acquaintanceship Esme seemed to be particularly appreciative of. He had hunted on his own as soon as he had proven himself trustworthy enough to do so, and had always been stubbornly set upon remaining as human as possible.

That being said, he no longer seemed to relate to the human condition. He moved a bit too fast to be normal, something the student body had attributed to his supposed ‘drug use’. They claimed he snorted coke to keep himself so wired. The anxiety he felt about being near them didn’t exactly detract from this belief, nor did his anti-social behavior. The Cullens had begrudgingly allowed this rumor to become the explanation for Edward’s sudden absence from school. He had ‘gone to rehab’ and the others had been away from school to ‘adjust to the traumatic event’. Esme was unhappy with this story, but Rosalie had convinced her it was for the best.

Edward hadn’t indicated any particular emotion towards his character and the assumptions our classmates had towards him. I could not be certain, but it felt as though Edward considered himself to be a participant of both worlds, and yet did not truly belong to either.

I was determined that, if nothing else, Edward belonged with me, no matter who he was or what he’d done. My heart would not, could never, shut him out. I had given him my t-shirt as a method of becoming desensitized to my smell and hoped that maybe this could be a step to show him that I was and forever would remain unwavering in my devotion and love for him.

I frowned as the thought popped into my head. I knew I loved Edward, I had always loved Edward. The word had been said by both of us on several occasions, but it had never before meant love love. It had meant the love that one felt for their brother or cousin or best friend. Now I wasn’t entirely sure I meant it that way.

This man, this vampire that presented himself was no longer entirely my best friend of childhood, and yet I knew that I still loved him. He was not the boy who had helped me ride my first bike, who had helped me sneak out of the house to search for ghosts in the forest, or who had held my hand at recess on my first day of school. This Edward could barely remember who I was, let alone these memories that stood out so vividly in my own mind. How could I love him? To continue to love him despite all these changes, all this loss?

Because he’s still Edward. Deep down, where it counts, your Edward is still in there, waiting for you.

I clicked the alarm off, a preemptive strike against the offensive blaring that was about to occur and dragged myself from my bed, getting ready for school as my concerns and confusing about Edward continued to run through my head.

Mrs. Newton frowned at my appearance as I made my way into the kitchen for breakfast, eyeing my jeans with distaste. The wear spot in the knee had finally given out, resulting in a small tear in the fabric, and a few grass stains decorated the worn blue denim that was once a deep indigo in colour.

“I’m sorry I never thought of it before, Bella, but would you like to go shopping some time?” she asked, smiling kindly and pretending she hadn’t noticed my ragged jeans.

“Umm, yeah. That’d be nice, Mrs. Newton,” I replied politely as I grabbed a box of honey nut cheerios from the cupboard. Even I had to admit that I needed to get some more clothing. I rarely shopped and my meager wardrobe was shabby at best.

“Oh good,” she smiled, straightening out her hair in the reflection of the class doors of the cupboards. “Because that nice Cullen girl phoned and said that you two were going to Port Angeles to go shopping after school today.”

“She did?” I asked, my confusion and surprise obvious.

Mrs. Newton turned to look at me, her brow furrowing in concern. “You didn’t know? She made it sound like you had already planned it, and I was just trying to let you know it was okay with me.”

“Oh yeah,” I said, nodding. “I just forgot was all. Thanks Mrs. Newton.”

Appeased, she brushed off her suit and heels and headed off to work. I shook my head in disbelief. Her family owned an outdoors outfitters store, why did she feel it necessary to dress up so fancily and pain herself by wearing heels each day?

I ate my cereal quickly, rinsed my bowl and put it in the dishwasher all before I heard Mike lumbering down the stairs. I smiled at him in greeting before making my way upstairs to brush my teeth and get my school things. Grabbing my keys I made my way back downstairs and realized I should try to be a little nicer to Mike after everything he’d done to help me fit in at school.

“Hey Mike, want a ride?” I asked, gesturing towards the front of the house where my truck was parked.

“You’re going to school already?” he asked, sleepily. He rubbed his tired eyes to emphasize his point and looked at me blearily. “Nah, I think I’ll walk later.”

“Alright,” I said and waved. “See you at school.”

I drove to school quickly, well, as quickly as my truck would go, and then parked in my usual space in the lot. Grabbing my ipod out of my bag, I put on my headphones and scrolled to some softer, indie music I liked. Monday mornings were made for acoustic indie tunes. When I was content with the playlist for the morning, I grabbed a book and made my way to the library, burying myself in Dracula. After that first day at the Cullen’s house, Emmett had insisted I read the iconic vampire tale. As I read it, and some of the myths of vampirism it perpetuated, I couldn’t help but feel the corners of my mouth curl in amusement.

“Smiling at Dracula?” A melodic voice asked from behind and I turned around, surprised to see Rosalie Hale standing behind me. “I always knew you were kind of twisted.”

“Hi Rosalie,” I said in surprise. Of all the Cullens, Rosalie and Jasper were the coldest towards me – both of them keeping their distance whenever I was in the house. I still found it hard to believe that Rosalie, the princess of ice, was with Emmett, who was all sunshine, warmth and smiles.

“Meet us in the parking lot after school today,” she smiled, her perfectly coloured red lips curling into a smile. “We have a surprise for you.”

“Mrs. Newton said something about shopping?” I hedged, looking for some sort of reason in this exchange. When she had mentioned a ‘Cullen girl’ speaking of shopping, I had assumed that she had meant Alice. While Rosalie looked the part, it was easy to see that Alice was, in fact, the one who was the girly girl and the shopaholic in the family.

“It’s Alice’s idea,” the statuesque blonde admitted. “But she’s out keeping Edward company while he hunts right now. She’ll be at school later.”

“Oh,” I answered, not really knowing what else to say. Rosalie always made me feel uneasy in her presence – something she didn’t seem to mind. From what I had gained through conversations with Edward, Rosalie was the one who craved a human life more than the rest of them, and yet it was Rosalie who was the most vampire-like. It seemed that she reveled in the coldness and immortality, simply to scare others away from her so that they did not meet the same fate.

The bell rang, interrupting the awkward moment between Rosalie and me, and I quickly scooped up my books, thankful for an escape route from the tall girl.

“Remember, Bella,” she called softly as I hurried from the library. “After school.”

I had been apprehensive about the idea of shopping before, but knowing it was going to be with Rosalie sent shivers down my spine. I couldn’t help but get the feeling that she resented me, for some reason, and that my awkward charm wasn’t as endearing to her as it seemed to be to the others in her family.

I sat in Spanish and opened my book, burying my nose in it as I tried to memorize some of the vocabulary and verb tenses for the quiz today. I was half way through conjugating the vocab verbs when a silvery voice interrupted my thoughts.

“Good morning, Bella,” Alice chirped happily, sitting down in the desk next to mine that had previously been unoccupied.

“Hi Alice,” I said, hesitantly, wondering what she was doing in my Spanish class.

As if in answer of my thoughts, the teacher cleared his throat and made an announcement, welcoming Alice to the class, and please put away all texts in preparation for the quiz.

I shot Alice a questioning look, but she carefully avoided my gaze, busying herself with the quiz instead.

All day long, various Cullens popped up in my classes. Alice was in Spanish and Gym, Rosalie was in my biology class, stating that she needed Bi11 for her college applications, and Emmett was ‘improving his English mark’ in case he didn’t get the sports scholarships he wanted. The teacher had been most puzzled by Emmett’s retaking English 11, babbling that she was certain that Emmett had gotten an ‘A’ the previous year.

“Ha ha, I wish, man,” Emmett had chuckled. “My dad won’t get off my back about the ‘C’ I got last year.”

A quick checking of the online computer records seemed to prove that Emmett had gotten a ‘C’, though a quick wink in my direction told me that the teacher was perfectly justified in her bafflement at the situation. She was flustered for the rest of the class, and kept looking at Emmett with a mix of incredulity and frustration.

Finally, the excruciatingly long and inexplicable Monday classes were over and I made my way to the parking lot, wondering what else the Cullens had in store for me today.

Alice grinned and practically danced as she ran towards me, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards Emmett’s black jeep in the parking lot. “You’re coming to our house, today,” she beamed.

Rosalie rolled her eyes at Alice’s enthusiasm, before opening the door so I could get in. I stood outside the jeep nervously, suddenly very aware that I would be in a very small space full of vampires and was definitely not going to sit in the back seat.

Alice pushed an unhappy Rosalie into the backseat before hopping in herself and I climbed hesitantly into the front seat, buckling myself in with shaking hands.

“Wait a minute,” I protested as Emmett sat in the driver’s seat and put the key in the ignition. “What about my truck?”

“Jasper will take it home for you,” Alice grinned happily, digging into the front pocket of my bag and producing my keys. “Here J.” She tossed the keys to him through the open window and he nodded at me before making his way across the lot to where my red truck was parked.

“Don’t worry, Bella,” Alice said, patting my hand with her own cold hand. “Jasper’s the best driver I know. He’ll take care of your truck. He likes vintage, for some reason.”

I nodded, but swallowed heavily as the lanky blonde stepped in and fired the engine. I couldn’t see anymore because Emmett had already started the jeep and tore out of the parking lot at alarming speeds.

I clutched the seatbelt nervously as Emmett sped home, and Alice laughed, the sound like tinkling silver and music in my ears.

“Don’t worry, Bella,” she chuckled softly. “Nothing bad will happen.”

I nodded in response but my grip on the seat belt remained tight.

We reached the Cullen house in record time and my fingers ached as I pried them off the seat belt, breathing slowly to calm my racing heart. To be honest, Emmett’s driving was only lunatic in terms of speed. Like the others, he rarely deviated from the center of the lane, doing so only to avoid large potholes in the pavement. Nonetheless, high speeds in cars made me very uncomfortable since the accident. The tree-shaded road to the Cullen house was just too similar to the stretch of highway that had taken Edward from me.

“Is Edward home?” I asked as we got out of the jeep. I craned my neck to look into the large windows, but couldn’t see any sign of the bronze-haired boy.

“He’s out right now,” Alice smiled. “But that doesn’t matter because you’re hanging out with Rosalie and me today.”

“Oh,” I said softly, hoping that I didn’t look as disappointed as I felt. From the look that Rosalie shot me, I probably did.

“Come along little human with a death wish,” the blonde said, leading the way into the house. Alice grabbed my hand and pulled me along behind her. I looked to Emmett for help or an explanation, but he just shrugged his shoulders and waved goodbye.

We climbed the steps until we were on the third floor of the house and Alice smiled as she pushed open the wooden door to a room I didn’t know.

“This is Jasper’s and my room,” she explained as I gaped at the gorgeous room. It had a tropical resort feel to it, with open rafters, white marble flooring, and gauzy white material draping over the bed from the ceiling. The view from the large windows was the same as Edward’s view, but Jasper and Alice did not have a balcony. I was still staring when I felt a gentle tug on my arm, leading me further into the room. “All right Bella, here’s your surprise!”

She opened up the large wood slat doors that led into a large walk-in closet. The closet alone looked comparable in size to my room back at the Newton’s place.

“A closet?” I asked, confused. “The surprise is your closet?”

“No, the surprise is not my closet,” Alice grumbled, her enthusiasm momentarily dampened by my lack of excitement. “The clothes in the closet.”

“Why is my surprise the clothes in your closet?” I asked, still not understanding what the big deal was. Rosalie snickered behind me where she leaned against the door frame.

“Bella, work with me here,” Alice sighed, rolling her eyes. “I want to get a new wardrobe for fall and winter, but Carlisle says I have to clear out the old clothes before I can get some new ones. I was just going to give them away, but I figured maybe you might want some.”

“Thanks, but I’m fine, really,” I declined, hoping that I didn’t sound rude. I started to back away, but Rose blocked the exit to the closet.

“Oh no you don’t, Swan,” Rosalie smirked. “Alice is very determined to get her way. You don’t really know her, so she’s being easy on you right now, but if I was you I’d march my little human butt back into the closet and pick out some clothes.”

I looked back at Alice and she nodded solemnly, as if this were an entirely grave matter and not a subtle jab at my wardrobe. “Fine. What am I supposed to do?”

“Awesome! I knew you’d play along,” Alice gushed, and started piling my arms with various items. “These colours will go great with your hair colour, and these should fit…”

I stood awkwardly as various clothing items were dumped on me until I could no longer hold them all. I let everything fall to the floor and only then did Alice turn to look at me.

“Something wrong, Bella?” she asked, her eyes wide and innocent. I knew better than to trust those doe eyes. The bigger and sweeter her eyes got, the more devious she was being.

“I can’t hold all these clothes,” I complained, gesturing to the massive pile on the floor. “I thought you wanted me to take a sweater or two, not enough clothes to fill a small department store.”

“I told you. Carlisle said I had to clear out my closet before I could buy more,” Alice explained. “The more I give away, the more room I have. Besides, you need this. All of it.”

I ignored the look she gave my current outfit, and tried to cram the clothes into a box that Rosalie seemed to have produced out of nowhere. The blonde remained silent, but bent down to start helping me fold and pile clothing into the large box. I smiled at her appreciatively, and though she did not smile back, I could see that her look was no longer the frigid glance of distaste I normally got. Maybe I was growing on her.

When I thought I had everything packed, I stood up, stretching the cramps out of my legs. I had been crouching for far too long. Rosalie regarded me coolly once more, the hint of warmness when she had helped me all but vanished.

“Here, put these on,” Alice said, distracting me from analyzing her sister’s cold attitude. “And hurry up. Edward’s going to be here very soon.”

I pulled the small bundle from her arms and saw a pair of folded jeans, a navy blue long sleeved t-shirt made of super soft cotton, and a red fitted jacket. I was ushered into the white marble bathroom where I quickly pulled on the clothes Alice had given me. I hadn’t known her long but I was discovering that life tended to be easier if you just listened to Alice and didn’t fight her over the small stuff.

Everything fit perfectly and the red jacket brought out the colour in my lips and cheeks, while the blue of the shirt seemed to bring out the creaminess of my skin. It made me look great, and the jeans seemed tailor made for me. Actually, the jeans fit a little too well.

“Hey! I thought you said this was just your old clothes,” I shouted, bursting back into the bedroom. “You said I was just taking some of your old clothes, so what the hell are these?” Gesturing down to the pants and my legs, I looked to Alice, then Rosalie and back again as I waited for the answer to my question. “I know these jeans don’t belong to either of you. They’re too big for you, Alice, and they’re way too short for you, Rosalie. Did you buy this stuff for me?”

Rosalie just smirked, but Alice looked at me straight on, eyes wide in an attempt to seem completely innocent.

“Well?” I pushed when nobody answered. “Start talking or that whole box of clothes is being dumped into the ocean at First Beach.”

“Fine, fine,” Alice grumbled, looking at me sourly. “I may have bought you a few things, like pants and jeans, but the rest is mine and Rose’s old clothing. Honest!”

“Well, thank you,” I said softly, realizing I hadn’t shown any appreciation for what they were doing for me. “But please don’t do this ever again.”

“You’re welcome, Bella,” Alice beamed, ignoring the second half of my statement. Even Rosalie showed a small smile, mumbling something about ‘no problem’ before exiting the room. “I know we got off on the wrong foot and this is my way of saying sorry.”

I looked up in surprise, questioning her silently. Her smile faltered slightly, and she turned away from me, busying herself with straightening the empty hangers on the racks.

“I’m sorry about it, really,” she said softly. “Edward is really special. He’s one of the best mind readers I’ve ever met, too.”

I listened in silence, watching her fidget with the hangers, surprised to see her so vulnerable without the cheery mask to hide her.

“He’s not like most of our kind,” she continued. “He really cares about maintaining his humanity and remaining as close to who he was as possible. He hates that we have to kill things to survive and that no matter how full we get on animal blood, the craving for human blood never wanes.”

“But I thought you said he’d never killed a human,” I pointed out. Would he still crave human blood even though he’d never tasted it?

“He hasn’t,” she said with a sad smile. “But it’s still there, instinctually. And when you came, it nearly broke him. I saw it all in my mind. He would have torn that cafeteria to shreds to get at you and killed anyone that got in his way, including us.”

I gasped and watched in horror as the small girl’s bottom lip started to tremble. She looked like she was about to cry, but no tears fell from her eyes.

“It was terrible, Bella,” she whispered, her voice hoarse. “I’ve never seen so much devastation caused by one vampire. It would have destroyed him to have that blood on his hands. He would never be able to get past killing you, either. Especially not you.”

“That’s why he looked so angry when you pulled him out of the cafeteria?”

“Yes,” she nodded slowly. “He saw it all in my mind as the vision came to me. Even as he saw it, even though he was disgusted with himself, your scent began to wash over him, calling to him. He’s still so new, he has difficulty controlling himself in school. To add his singer to the mix was too much. Luckily Jasper sensed my fear and the sudden change in Edward and managed to pull him back before he had a chance to act.”

“I almost died.” It was more of a statement than a question. An odd smile appeared on Alice’s face and she regarded me with a look I couldn’t quite place.

“You’ve almost died more times than you realize,” she spoke slowly, letting the gravity of the words sink in. “And you wouldn’t have been the only one to die that day. He was going to kill me to get to you. I tried to protect you and he tore through me without hesitation. He’s felt guilty about it ever since.”

“Jeez,” I exhaled heavily. I still hadn’t grasped how different or dangerous this new Edward was, but this was beyond anything I imagined possible. The violence she described made me feel nauseous and sent chills down my spine. I felt cold.

“He’s home,” she said gently, placing a cold hand on my own. “I don’t want you to think of him as a monster, Bella. I just want to let you know what you’re getting in to. You deserve to know, and you need to know what will happen to him if anything happens to you. Please be careful.”

“I will,” I promised, pulling my hand back and turning to leave the room. For the first time, I felt how precarious the situation was. “Alice?”

“Yes?” she was sitting on her bed, a thick book in hand.

“I know this isn’t ideal, but it will get better, right? You’ve seen it and things work out, right?”

“There will be good times, but nothing and nowhere is golden.”

I nodded slowly, and turned into the hallway, moving slowly as I made my way to the front living room where I usually had my visits with Edward.

“Nothing gold can stay,” I murmured softly as I braced myself for the first time to meet with the vampire rather than my oldest, dearest friend.

A Playlist to Write to:

Aerosmith – “Living on the Edge”
Bright Eyes – “Easy/Lucky/Free”
The Weepies – “Living in Twilight”
Emily Haines & the Soft Skeleton – “Eden”
Seabear – “Hands Remember” (thanks to wuthers for this one)
Emily Haines & the Soft Skeleton – “Nothing and Nowhere”
Band of Horses – “Ode to LRC”
Mirah – “Promise to Me”
The Weepies – “Can’t Go Back Now”

Thanks for reading! Reviews are better than boxes of clothes from Alice and Rosalie.