Sorry about the long wait. Busy life things were happening.

Twilight & Co. belongs to SMeyer, and Bella’s letter to Edward obviously belongs to SMeyer. I claim none of it.

Thanks to my awesome new Beta, wuthers, who helped with some writers block and gave me some great ideas for the chapter.

What Impossible Means
Chapter Fourteen - Making Deals

I practically ran into my room, blinking back tears.

I’m the monster. I’m the monster. I’m the monster.

I felt sick. I’d finally found Edward and now I was ruining everything. I knew that wanting to have my Edward back was only natural, why wouldn’t I want my Edward back? But to expect him to be who I wanted him to be, ignoring who he was now… how could I do that?

I had resented my parents for trying to make me be their Bella after Edward died. They had done everything in their power to make me happy and try to resurrect the carefree girl who smiled and laughed, but I wasn’t that girl anymore. I had attempted to do everything they wanted but my smiles became grimaces and my laughs were unnatural and joyless. Eventually I had just given up trying, hiding within myself and worrying that I was nothing more than a caricature of myself on top of all my other pains. Now I was the one with false expectations, placing impossible ideals on Edward and leaving him feeling like he was lacking and broken.

He had a new family now. As much as I hated to admit it, it seemed like the Cullens genuinely cared for him and were the best possible family for him in his new life. His room was stocked with every CD and book he could possibly want, there was a beautiful baby grand piano in the living room, and they could help him to adjust to his new lifestyle.

Being a vampire. Just say it. They can help him be a vampire.

I felt the knot in my stomach twist tighter as I realized that I was the most negative aspect of Edward’s life now. The Cullens were trying to help him. They’d saved him from death, and now I was dragging him into the past, reminding him of what he lost.

I have to go, I realized. I have to go back to Oregon to my parents and let Edward live his new life. I can’t keep expecting him to be human for me, I have to let him go.

On shaky legs, I walked over to my desk and sat down heavily on the wooden chair. I dug through the desk until I located my pen and paper and set them onto the desk. At first I just sat there, staring at the paper, not knowing where to start.

Have finished sentences whirled around in my head but nothing seemed right. Too harsh, too soft, too emo… I couldn’t find the words.

With a ragged breath and watering eyes, I placed the pen on the paper and began writing.

Edward,

I promise that this will be the last time you’ll see me. I won’t come back. I won’t put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I’d never existed.

I’m not good for you.

Bella

I stared at the note, the harsh lines of blue ink across the sterile, white paper. The words were wrong, but they were needed. I needed to get away from Edward, for his sake.

Opening the top drawer of my desk, I sifted through the contents until I found some blank envelopes. Folding my letter crisply, I pushed it into an envelope and sealed it with a heavy heart.

I wrote Edward’s name on the back and frowned at my childish writing. It seemed wrong. It felt like a note of this importance deserved something better, like fancy calligraphy. Instead my shaking hands had scrawled unevenly across the paper.

I picked up the phone and flopped backwards onto the bed, feeling nauseous as I worked to put the last piece of my plan into place as I dialed the number.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Mom,” I tried to sound chipper but I knew it came out wrong. I could almost hear my mother frown over the phone.

“Bella, honey? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” I assured her, but my voice sounded too chipper. It sounded twisted and distorted like the sound had been manipulated the way images are in fun house mirrors.

“What happened?” she pressed, and I sighed. I couldn’t hide anything from my mother. She could be flakey and childlike at times, but she had always been able to cut through the face value of things and see the truth.

“Nothing happened, I just think…” I paused to take a deep breath and close my eyes. Even though I was lying backwards on my bed, it felt as though the world was lurching around me. “I just think that I should come home. I want to go back to Oregon.”

“Why?” Renee tried to sound concerned but I could hear the joy in her voice. “Are you homesick? Did something happen at school?”

“I just think that I’m good enough to come home,” I answered, uncertain if I was lying or telling the truth. I was better – I knew that Edward was alive – but was I truly better? Would the void created by Edward’s death continue to swallow me if I knew he was out there, somewhere, without me?

I finally opened my eyes and bit down on my lip to fight back a scream of surprise. Alice stood in front of my window waving at me frantically and gesturing for me to put down the phone.

“Just a sec, Mom, I just have to do something,” I mumbled into the phone, watching confused as Alice waved wildly.

Placing my hand over the phone, I turned towards the tiny girl. “What is it, Alice?”

“I know what you’re planning to do. Don’t you dare leave him now.”

I narrowed my eyes at her, confused. She reached for the phone in my hand, but I pulled it back. “Excuse me?”

“You can’t go back to Oregan,” she whispered, her eyes pleading. “You can’t do that to Edward. Tell your mother that you’re just feeling a bit homesick and wanted to talk, but you think you need more time in Forks.”

“What are you talking about?” I hissed. “You don’t know what I need and you have no right to tell me what I should do. Go home.”

“Bella, if you leave you will destroy him,” she replied solemnly. Her eyes were wide, begging me to understand.

I lifted the phone back to my face and uncovered the mouthpiece. “Mom?”

“Yes, I’m here. So I talked to your father and we can come pick you up on Friday.” She didn’t even try to hide the joy in her voice.

“Actually, I’m going to have to call you back,” I said uncertainly. “I have something I have to deal with right now and I’ll phone you back as soon as I’m done, okay?”

“Okay,” she replied slowly. “Are you sure you’re alright honey?”

“Yeah, I just gotta do something,” I nodded even though she couldn’t see over the phone. “I’ll call you back as soon as it’s finished.”

“Alright,” Renee answer. “Phone back soon. I love you sweetie.”

“Love you too mom,” I said and hung up the phone before swinging back around to the dark haired girl. “What the hell, Alice?”

“You can’t go back to Oregon,” she restated. Her lips were set tightly and her voice firm. “You can’t do that to him. He needs you.”

“No, he doesn’t,” I scowled. “He only needs you and your family now. All I’m doing is hurting him – reminding him of what he’s lost and pushing him to be who I want him to be. He can’t do that and neither can I. I’m not going to keep placing false expectations on him.”

“Things aren’t black and white,” she argued. “You aren’t doing him any good trying to turn him into Edward Masen, but it’s still good to remind him of his humanity. You can offer him something all of us want, Bella. I would give anything to be able to remember my life.”

I stared at her, my chest heaving from the turmoil of emotions that flooded my system.

“I don’t remember anything, you know,” the tiny vampire spoke softly. “I don’t even know who sired me. I woke up alone in the dark without anyone. The only reason I ended up alright is because of my visions. I could see that I would one day meet up with Carlisle and his family, and that made things okay.”

“I didn’t know that,” I replied softly.

“I turned out okay and could control my temptation to hunt humans because I could see that there was a better life with Carlisle. I don’t have my memories to remind me of who I used to be,” Alice explained, taking a seat on my bed and gesturing for me to sit with her. “The others remember who they were, and it helps them.”

“That’s why they don’t kill humans?” I asked, curious despite myself. “They remember their lives so that stops them from killing people?”

“Sort of,” she answered with a small smile. “You remember the relationships you have – that girl isn’t just a girl, she’s someone’s daughter, sister, and best friend. She has hopes and dreams. She’s not just your next meal.”

“But Edward doesn’t need me,” I protested, ignoring the picture of Edward, covered in human blood, that popped into my mind. “He has all of you to keep him from killing.”

She shook her head. “It’s not the same. Edward is still in the newborn stage, when it’s hardest to control your urges. He knows our beliefs and knows there is another way to survive, but he hasn’t connected with us yet. He’s never let go of who he was. That’s why he needs you.”

I raised an eyebrow, unconvinced eliciting a sigh of frustration from Alice.

“He isn’t a part of either world yet. He hasn’t embraced his vampire abilities because he’s trying to grasp what little he still remembers about being human. He can’t recapture his humanity because being a vampire fades your memories of the past and essentially changes you,” she explained. “He needs you to help him move on. We think that you’re the missing piece, Bella. If he remembers who he was with you, you can also get him to embrace who he is now.”

“You want me to convince him to be more of a vampire?” I asked incredulously. “And how am I supposed to do that?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted, looking down. “I haven’t been able to see if it works or not because you’re still set on going back to Oregon. I wish I could show you what happens to Edward without you.”

I was thankful she couldn’t. It was all too easy for me to picture what it was like to lose someone. I would have to stay in Forks.

“Thanks Bella!” Alice smiled, giving me a quick hug. “I knew you’d come around.”

“But I haven’t told you my decision yet,” I frowned.

“You don’t have to,” she laughed, and tapped at her temple. “I’ve already seen it. Oh, thank you. You have no idea what this will mean for Edward.”

“If he embraces his vampireness and ends up killing me, I want it to say ‘This is all Alice’s fault’ written on my gravestone,” I grumbled.

“This is going to be a good thing,” Alice promised, grasping my hand and squeezing it lightly. I concentrated on not flinching from the icy coldness of her touch. “For both of you.”

She flashed me one of her odd, ‘I have a secret’ smiles, and was out of the window before I had a chance to say anything more.

I looked down at the phone that still lay on my bed. I’d have to phone Renee again. Crap.

I dialed slowly, tapping my fingers nervously on the nightstand beside my bed as I listened to the ringing and waited for my mother to pick up.

“Hello?”

“Hi Mom, it’s me again.”

“Okay, Bella, here’s the plan,” Renee started. Her voice was undeniable chipper and I swallowed heavily as the guilt I felt set in. This was not going to go well. “Your father and I will come down on Friday, as soon as he’s done work, and we’ll come with boxes and everything to pack you up.”

“Mom…” I interrupted, but Renee was on a roll.

“It’ll be great,” she gushed on the phone. “I’m going to repaint your room before you get back. There are chips in the paint from when you took down all those old posters. Would you rather have it be a nice turquoise-y blue colour, or a spring green? Or maybe some nice shade of tan, you always have been a fan of earth tones. And I’ll have to get you some new bed sheets and a comforter to match…”

“Mom!” I interrupted a little louder. It broke my heart to hear her so happy, knowing how much I was about to disappoint her.

“No paint then?” she asked. “If you want to be there to paint it and pick out the colour yourself, I can wait until the weekend.”

“It’s not that, Mom,” I said slowly, and I heard her catch her breath on the other side of the phone as if she knew what I was about to stay. “I think I should stay here, in Forks.”

“I don’t understand,” Renee started. “You just phoned here and you sounded so upset. What’s going on?”

“Nothing’s going on,” I answered, struggling to find the words. ‘The boy next door is a vampire now and I have to help him connect with his roots so he can be all the vampire he can be’ wouldn’t exactly work as an explanation. “I just had a bad day and was feeling sorry for myself is all.”

“But you sounded so sure that you needed to come back home.” She didn’t even try to veil the disappointment in her voice. “Your father and I miss you.”

Great, she went right for the heartstrings on that one.

“And I miss you both too,” I answered. “I really do, but I need to do this. I need to stay. For me.”

“But Bella…” Renee protested.

“I’m sorry, Mom,” I apologized sincerely. “I should have thought things out more before I phoned you, sorted out my thoughts and all. I’m really sorry, but I think I need to stay.”

“You don’t have to stay, you know,” my mother continued. “When we sent you to Washington we thought that a change of scenery would be what you needed to snap out of your funk. We didn’t send you there to exile you. You can come home any time.”

“Mom, please listen to me. I know you didn’t exile more or anything. I know that you sent me here to help me, and that’s exactly what you’re doing. You are helping and being sent to Forks was the perfect decision. I just need more time.”

“More time?” Her voice sounded hollow in my ears.

“I’m really sorry,” I apologized again. “I just need more time. I’ll come home as soon as I’m ready, I promise.”

“Do you have anyone to talk to there, Bella?” she asked suddenly.

“What?”

“Do you have someone to confide in, who is there in Washington with you?”

“Why do you ask?” I sputtered, surprised at the sudden change in the conversation.

“It seemed like you hadn’t really made any friends yet, when we visited, and you never talk about your friends on the phone,” she replied seriously. “Do you have many friends there?”

Yes. A family full of vampires and a boy we all thought dead for four years.

“Um, sort of,” I answered, squirming a bit. “There’s Mike.”

“If you want to stay in Forks then I need you to start trying to have more friends, Bella,” Renee ordered. “That’s going to be the deal. Judith tells me that you used to hang out with Mike more and went bike riding all the time, but that you have barely seen each other lately. She says that you spend a lot of time out alone.”

“I like to go on walks by myself to think,” I lied. I didn’t know that Mrs. Newton had been talking to my mother on the phone about my progress. It made sense, and I didn’t blame her, but I hadn’t even thought about Mrs. Newton keeping tabs on me.

“Well that’s the deal, Bella,” I couldn’t ignore the fact that Renee still sounded hurt. “If you want to stay in Forks, you have to show more progress with making friends and trying to fit in there.”

“O-okay,” I stammered. “I’ll try, I promise.”

“Thank you,” she said. “I’m sorry, I just really want what’s best for you.”

“Of course you do. I know you do,” I sighed. “Anyways, I think I’m going to go now, Mom.”

“Alright sweetie,” Renee said, her voice sounding a little happier and a little less strained. “We love you.”

“Love you too.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

I hung up the phone and flopped backwards onto my bed, exhaling heavily. How was I going to convince Edward to be a vampire, remind him of who he was, and make a bunch of new friends?

I worried my bottom lip as I debated the ‘making friends’ clause that was now attached to my stay in Forks. I knew, deep down, as I obsessed over Edward that I needed to spend more time with Mike and his friends. I kept seeing the same dejected look on Mike’s face as he constantly tried to include me in his world and I kept shooting him down.

My life needed more balance. It hadn’t been balanced since the night of the car accident, and even then it had been questionable. My life had always been unnaturally centered around Edward with an exception of the very brief time that I had dated Jacob Black.

I would make friends with Mike’s friends, on that I was set. A few of his friends actually seemed pretty interesting. Eric Yorkie came off as kind of dorky, but genuinely nice, and his other friend Angela Weber seemed like she would be a good friend. She was shy and quiet, much like I was, and never asked me prying questions the way Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory did.

Make Friends I scrawled on a scrap piece of paper by my bed.

I picked up the letter I wrote to Edward and tucked it into the top drawer before changing into my pajamas and crawling into bed. It was only 9:30, but I was too drained to try altering my life tonight.

Edward reappears next chapter, promise. I think this is the most absent Edward's ever been in a fic about Edward...