Disclaimer: I don't own that FMA and I sing it in my own way!

Killing the Phoenix

It was a strange world where your dreams felt more real than your every day reality.

Edward could not help but smile as he took his brother’s warm flesh hand as then walked through the market together. He knew this was not real, so he did not pay attention to the stares of passersby. He wanted to devour each of the these stolen moments from his subconscious in hopes that he will still remember what Al used to feel like when he awoke. It never lasted though.

A strange girl with black hair would end his fantasy and turn it into a nightmare.

She raced thrown the street like a wild fox darting with a bit of stolen meat. Her feet were bare and swift as she dodged her pursuers. Edward felt uneasy.

When he dreamed oh himself and Al before the transmutation, everyone else had hazy faces; like they did not matter. That was true for all but this girl. In his dream he was nine and she looked to only a year or two older. Why was she so vivid?

Edward paused and watched her approach like a deer in headlights. The world blurred and filled with distance white noise, growing fainter and fainter with each of her harsh pants. Soon they were all he could hear along with the hurried padding of her feet.

Then the soft jingle of bell caught his attention, no, not one bell but many. A string of them were tied around her ankle with blue ribbon.

It called to Edward like a siren, drawing him to take a step forward. He distantly felt the pull of his brother’s hand but it dissipated like a thin mist once Edward locked eyes with the girl.

Edward snapped awake.

Edward got ready for bed again the next night. He plopped down tiredly and nearly fell asleep just as quickly. All day he had not been able to over come the feeling that he would see that girl somewhere in the background of his life and it had worn him down. He punched his pillow in annoyance then slammed his face into it.

She was waiting when he opened his eyes in the dream world.

“So you finally noticed me,” she commented, her dark purple eyes were so close they just on the edge of being out of focus.

Edward stammered and dropped a book he did not know he was carrying. He looked around at the book store setting. It was just as if he bumped into her in a store instead of dreaming her up.

She picked the book of the floor and gave it a quick glance. “I was never fond of Plato’s theory’s myself but c’est la vie. You should really try one of these. I always found them wrought with vague assumptions and outrageously hopeful conclusions.”

Edward did not spare the book a look but instead studied her face. If pale skin and violet eyes were not strange enough, she had savage black hair that shone white in the sunlight. She was older again than he was but he could only guess this. Her body was that of an older teen, much like himself, but her eyes bore the semblance of someone much older. It was like she had seen too much to avoid aging rapidly.

“Are you just going to stare at me or are we going to finally talk?” She put the book back on the shelf and clasped her graceful hands together in front of her. She wore a white cotton dress. It was simple but beautiful on her. “Fine, let me start this. Do you remember me?”

Edward shook his head immediately to indicate negatively. How could he ever forget someone as bewitching as this? It was like she was not even real.

“I have to go,” Edward heard himself say but was still mentally transfixed.

She looked disappointed but it only lasted a second as her emotions quickly shifted to serious. “Then I have but one thing to say to you Sir Edward, I love you now just as I did then. Don’t forget me. Please remember.”

A cold sweat covered Edward’s entire body this time he opened his eyes back in reality. He panted and clutched his knees through the white military sheets.

Al rattled in the corner where he was reading. “Brother, are you alright?”

Edward turned to look at the coming dawn pacifying his brother with a grumble about a nightmare. What else could it be?

The following day was much worse. Edward stopped feeling like he would see the girl randomly and that terrified him on a level he could not understand. He found himself looking for her in every book shop Central had and when he could not he was filled with a sense of dread.

“Fuck, get yourself together,” Edward chided himself as he stomped out of the last bookstore in the district, “and I fucking know I won’t find her. Why do I keep looking?”

The frigid air whipped around him in an angry torrent. Edward growled and kicked over a pile snow in despair mixed with rage and confusion. She was not real, she was not real. This was such a simple concept that felt impossible to accept. Every time he found another empty store he felt a wave of fierce searing air against his face. He just attributed it to shame but it was getting more and more vivid.

If Edward did not know any better, he would think he was standing close to a blazing building every time, but it was the middle of winter.

“Let me help you Brother. If you tell me who we’re looking for we can cover more area.” Al was always his constant his companion but this was one insane mission he could not help with. How do you explain that your searching for someone who does not exist? “Come on Brother, let me help you…”

“Brother, let me help you!”

Edward turned in a wide arch, gazing at the towering flames surrounding him. He was in the courtyard of what looked like a castle. The flames burst through the windows and there were screams erupting from all sides.

He stopped his circle to face… holy fuck it was Al! Edward tried to look at his flesh body but his eyes did not move from Al’s. It was then that Edward realized he was not in control of his body or mouth, they moved without his consent.

“There is nothing for me now Alphonse,” Edward’s mouth said. “I will take my revenge because that’s all I can do.”

He walked away from Alphonse, the heat blistering through his clothing, into the forest.

Edward snapped his head up and was surprised to see the bookstore again

“Ed?” Al poked him in the shoulder and Edward nearly jumped at the metallic touch. “You okay? You looked like you were looking at something but… Just don’t scare me like that. We should go report in before it gets too late.”

Edward quickly agreed but his mind thrashed and whirled at what had just happened. He walked alongside of his armour brother in wonder. Had that been a dream? But if felt so real… just as real as he dreams did. Edward plunged his mismatched hands deep into his pockets with a muttered curse. He did not believe in all this spiritual bullshit. It was just a piece of undigested ham messing with his head. That was all.

Then, why did this disappoint him so much?

The dreams stopped.

Edward did not know how or why, only that his nights were filled with gates, eyes and hopeless solitude. Weeks went by and Edward could feel the despair building inside of him. He resented it hatefully then scorned his own harsh attitude as if it were the reason he did not see the girl again.

Al was worried, that was apparent but Edward could not explain what was eating him alive. He could not bear putting into words the insanity of what he was feeling. This apparition, this ghost, this dream girl was tearing him apart.

Her absence to be specific, but the fire continued to burn within in, both in his heart and behind closed eyes.

The castle was a fortress of flames that stood before him every night, the same scene replaying for his unknown benefit.

“Fuck! What does it all mean?” Edward smashed a wooden table easily in his frustration. The splinters flew in every direction, giving him a sense of gratification. He yelled at the empty dorm room, “What do you want from me? I’ve looked! I have fucking looked and found nothing! What else am I supposed to do? Where else am I supposed to look?”

He glowered all around him, the last of his sanity leaking out. Now he was as low as to talk to things that weren’t there, but strangely, he knew she could hear him. That woman knew exactly what kind of pain he was going through trying to find her.

“Good,” she said behind Edward.

He spun around to see no one. Unable to grasp the logic that would save him from his insanity, Edward spoke to the disembodied voice of the girl. “What’s good? My frustration?”

Still not being able to turn fast enough to see her, Edward spun to face the voice.

“No, good you stopped thinking I’m just some dream. I’m just as real as Alphonse, and you should know very well there are different levels of reality. And stop trying to see me, it won’t work just yet.”

He glared at his boots before stomping over to the bed. Overcome with a sudden exhaustion, he threw himself onto the bed, face turned up to the ceiling. “Fine, I’m not looking. Now, what do you want from me?”

“Silly Edward, I don’t want anything from you that you aren’t willing to give. The real question is, what do you want from me? Are you honestly searching for the girl of your dreams or is this just the manifestation of some other deeper emotion?”

Edward put his hands over his face. “Are you always going to speak in riddles?”

“That depends; will you stop expecting them and listen to the truth?”

“What do you mean? Of course I will.”

“No, you are still waiting for me to tell you I’m just your loneliness personified literally.”

Edward rolled onto his stomach. He hated conversations that lacked in substance enough as it was with real people, but having one with someone who lacked actual substance just made it worse. “How do I know that this is not another type of dream, like you or the fire?”

“You know.”

“Okay, fine. But I still don’t know what to do anymore. Are you a hint about how to give Al back his body?”

“You know I’m not. Edward, look into my eyes and you’ll see the lies you’ve built around me fall away. If not, well we have eternity to find a way together, now that I’ve found you again.”

Look in her eyes? Edward hadn’t realized he closed them so he complied. Big purple irises filled his vision as he stared at her. Afraid to look at her directly, Edward unfocused his eyes and drove his head back into the bed to put some space between them. She didn’t allow it. Although he felt no weight pressing down on him, Edward could feel her warmth like a hot fire against his front.

She didn’t speak again but merely waited.

What was she waiting for? Edward didn’t know if he should be cautious, horrified or amazed.

Contrary to her blazing presence, the cascade of ink black hair felt only cool but also possessed only a sensation of heat. She felt neither soft, smooth nor heavy. She was a like of ghost except for that she looked solid and gave off sensations of temperature.

Finally deciding on wonder and amazement, Edward said softly, “Who are you?”

She smiled but it was a sad one. “You finally asked. I’m really no one and nothing. Just a phoenix, trapped in this loop of eternity until I found you. I’ve been waiting all this time, for you to find me too.”

He stopped fighting the little voice in his head, telling him she wasn’t real and this was all one elaborate, but all be it fucked up, fantasy. Edward silenced his reason and logic for the first time in his life and just was.

Still feeling mildly awkward, Edward raised his arms to wrap them around her back. “Well… found you… you’re it?” His eyes widened significantly when his arms merely rested on his own chest and the girl was gone.

“Not quite. I only found you. Once you remember me, you’ll be able to find me too. Set me free Edward. Next time we speak, it will be in reality.”

And she was gone again.

to be continued...

A/N:

Hello everyone!

What did you think of part one? I'm making my way through part two as you read this but I wanted to share this in chucks.

How's my life? Pretty fucking weird. I should sell tickets. How much are you willing to pay?

Nah, it's free. Welcome to my life.

So I made amends with my friend who was dating my roommate. For naming purposes, his shall be Sunshine, since I call him that anyways. So him and I are tight even though I told him I loved him, he broke up with his girlfriend but doesn't love me the same way... and we have sex every so often. That sounds like such a twisted friendship but oddly enough it works?

I don't know. I'll be happier once I move again, which is happening soon. I asked to be removed from the military college and employed as a regular soldier, not an officer. University is just not for me. All I'm really good at is English.

Anyways, once I move, Sunshine will either realize he loves me and needs me, or I will have the distance to fall in love with someone else.

Since Christmas I have been more open about liking women in addition to men. It's common knowledge among my friends and not a secret to anyone who asks. I go to gay parties and flirt with women on occasion but I never go home with them. I've fooled around a bit but nothing of any substance. My lesbian skills seem to be a specific thing for specific women. I have discovered I like certain women and men in general. So I'm more straight than gay but who cares about the ratio.

It started with a queer film festival and now I openly go to queer debates and contribute. It's fun. On a side note "XXY" and "Were the World Mine" are amazing movies. If anyone has a copy, I would pimp out oneshots as thank yous for such a wonderful gift. CUSTOMIZED ONESHOTS.

Ahem... Back to my life. I live in a different building now and I have a lot of visitors who are quickly becoming my very own posse. They come for tea time at 1630hrs every day. I drink tea after work and they come join me. It's rather cute. Teenagers folk to me and my strange ways. It must be my book collection. I have the "Art of War" next to my "Lesbian Erotica" on my shelf. It amuses me to watch the reactions of people's faces.

What can I say, once a demon, always a Demon.

-rix the demon

PS
The significance of this story will be in the next a/n as to not spoil it for you all.