|Mail Order Bride
Author: snappleducated PM
Are you joking? People don’t do this anymore. Only movie stars get married. — HaineNaotoRated: Fiction M - English - Humor - Haine R. & Naoto F. - Words: 1,361 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 92 - Follows: 10 - Published: 03-02-09 - Status: Complete - id: 4896782
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Entitled: Mail Order Bride
Length: 1500 words
Disclaimer: I do not own DOGS and etc.
Notes: I should stop drabbling. I lack self control. But Sam mentioned the two of them married and I just couldn't help myself.
"Are you joking," said the bishop.
"This whole thing is kind of a joke," Haine said to his shoes, and winced when Naoto tried to stab one of them. That really wasn't very nice.
"He's serious," she said flatly, and looked at him coolly, waiting. Haine pressed his lips into a tight line and looked back.
Nill quietly set aside mending Badou's shirt and crawled under the alter for safety.
"No, really," the bishop stressed, "No one gets married anymore except for movie stars."
"And me," Naoto raised her chin, smoothed her dress over her thighs, "I do."
She either didn't get his joke or didn't think it was a very good one. Haine snorted into one shoulder. "So, yeah. When can you do it?"
"I don't know," the bishop said immediately, "I have a pretty tight schedule."
There was the quiet sound of total emptiness permeating the church's air. Neither of the engaged said a word.
"Maybe tomorrow?" the bishop suggested. Haine looked at Naoto. Naoto looked back at him. She was chewing the corner of one lip, eyes narrowed, her hands tense.
"That's fine," Haine said. There was a scrunch of fabric as Naoto clenched her hands. Haine smirked at her. She glared a little harder, and then turned snappishly on one heal and stormed into the back rooms. He watched her go, looking a little smug.
"So, seriously," the bishop prodded his shoulder, "Are you drunk or is this a bet?"
"She says she doesn't believe in premarital sex." Haine said coolly. Shivering under the table, Nill decided that now was a pretty good time to cover her ears. The bishop knelt down and began coaxing her back out.
"That was a hint at you not getting any." He explained. Haine looked unconcerned.
"She'll back out of it," he said coolly, "And besides, even if she doesn't, it's not that big of a deal. Just a ring."
The bishop began nodding, but than at Nill's rather stern look towards the bible, he interjected, "And eternal commitment."
"Yeah, well, I can't really touch any other women, can I?" Haine pointed out, and stalked out of the church.
"What the fuck," Badou kicked open the door to his room and strode over to the bed, hands on his hips, "Seriously. I leave for two days and you suddenly have to bang Naoto so badly you're willing to marry her."
"Fuck off," Haine grumbled. Badou wouldn't understand. He was a breast kinda guy, anyway.
"This is weird," Badou complained, and climbed into his chair to perch weirdly, lanky arms curled around his legs as he sat on his feet, "You. Getting married. Do I get to be the best man?"
"You're getting fucking married to fucking Naoto and you can't even dress yourself. I dunno man. I dunno. Fuck it, you're not ready," Badou decided abruptly, and dragged the chair back over to Haine's side with the soles of his feet. "I mean. I mean. Getting tied down and all, and—"
"You," Haine rolled over with his eyebrows up, "Sound like a pussy."
"Shut up," Badou snapped, and thwacked the back of his head, "Jesus, how old are you again? Is this even legal? Is this—"
"Do I need to get the paper bag for you?" Haine asked nastily, and shoved the other man hard so the chair tipped. "'s not like we're going to move in together or summit."
"You twat," Badou accused of the ceiling, "You are going to emotionally cripple her romantic ideals. She'll be a cold and stand-offish bitch for the rest of her life." He considered this, and giggled. Haine rolled over and decided sleep was more important than his manic partner.
"Cold blooded bastard. And what about me? You're shutting off all your prospects. And we coulda had something good, too—hell, give Nill a few years, and—"
"You," Haine cut him off, and smashed his pillow over his head, "Are acting crazier than your past traumas allow. Shut up and angst."
"He'll back out," Naoto told Nill with a confidence she didn't feel. Haine had looked awfully self-satisfied with their little arrangement after all. Naoto had the feeling she'd just gotten into more than she could handle.
Nill petted her hair, little wings fluttering in a softly anxious sort of way, and Naoto smiled at her tentatively. "You're right. I'm being silly. Of course he will." And with that thought, she turned over and stared determinedly at the wall. A moment passed in silence, until Nill made one of her soft noises and touched Naoto's shoulders. Naoto sighed.
"Yes, you can be the Maid of Honor."
Nill beamed at her, and settled down and Naoto's side, her little chest rising in a careful, even rhythm.
"So," Haine said.
"So," Naoto agreed. They studied the long aisle ahead of them together, suspicious. The bishop waved at them. Badou looked torn between bursting into laughter or throwing up. Nill flitted about, pinning up the paper flowers she'd made for the occasion.
"You backing out?" Naoto asked hopefully. Her feet dragged.
"I don't think so." He said, entirely too calm, and started walking. After a second, she ran to catch up.
"The rings," Naoto babbled, "You forgot rings, right?"
Haine just looked at her, "Do you really want one?"
Sensing an escape route, Naoto nodded firmly. He sighed, and pulled one of the ones he wore off his finger, tossing it to her. She caught it, the metal oddly cold. It was too big for her, and clunky, only fitting snuggly around her thumb.
She cursed quietly. Haine looked rather pleased.
"This is so weird," the bishop announced when they were standing awkwardly before him. He thumbed his nose. "I mean, seriously, I don't think I even know how to marry people."
"This is revolting," Badou muttered into his hands. "Oh god. Oh god. What if they start dating?" Nill came up to his side and shushed him firmly.
The thought of getting married before actually dating struck Naoto as disturbingly funny. She bit down on her lip, and managed to nod queasily as the bishop asked her if she was cool with pledging to spend her life with Haine.
"Well, he'll probably get shot in like a week or so," she mumbled under her breath. The bishop sighed. Haine snorted. Naoto remembered that shooting Haine didn't really kill anything except for the carpet, and gave into despair.
The ceremony abruptly ended.
"You fucker," Badou chanted mercilessly to the bishop, "You were supposed to ask if anyone objected! I object!"
"Oh, shit," the bishop glanced back at the newlyweds apologetically, "Sorry, I forgot that part."
"How could you forget that part," Badou hissed. Nill laid a hand on his arm concernedly, "They have that part in every fucking movie. Ever."
"Sorry, d'you want to do it again?" the bishop asked. Naoto thought she might have to sit down. God. She was married.
"Can we honeymoon now?" Haine asked her, hands in his pockets, slouching, her husband. "I wanna get to the honeymoon."
Nill hid her face in her hands.
"You were supposed to back out," Naoto accused, and crossed her arms over her chest, hunching. Haine sneered at her.
"I thought you were going to."
"No honeymoon," Naoto insisted. He made a face at her.
"Fine. Are we sharing a room?"
"Occasionally," she stressed, which meant a whole lot of never.
"You shouldn't be watching this," Badou told Nill with a frown, "This is probably going to screw you up somehow, and you'll start equating love with sex."
Nill stared at him, mortified. He held up his hands, "Okay, okay. Jeez, sorry."