|The Perfect Fic
Author: SilvorMoon PM
Arthur the Awful Author wants to write the perfect PR fic, but with a band of mutinous muses and killer cliches, the results range from the comic to downright bizarre.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor - Words: 3,279 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 1 - Published: 12-09-01 - Status: Complete - id: 490084
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Once upon a time, Arthur the Author sat down at his computer, turned it on, and opened up his word processing program.
"I'm going to write the perfect fanfic!" he exclaimed. "It's going to have all the best stuff in it I can think of, and everyone will think I'm awesome! I'll become a superstar and sign autographs. That'll be cool."
Instantly, a zillion little Power Rangers fanfic demons crawled out of the woodwork to clamor around Arthur.
"We'll help you!" they chorused. "We're good at this kind of thing. We'll help you write the perfect fanfic."
"All right!" cheered Arthur. "Okay, guys, let's start plotting this out. Places everybody! And... action!"
Act One: The New Kid in School
One afternoon, the Power Rangers were hanging around the Youth Center, when suddenly a new kid walked in. Everyone sat up and stared.
"Hey, who's that?" asked Adam.
"I don't know," said Tanya. "Must be a new kid."
"He looks cool," said Adam. "Think maybe we should talk to him."
"I think we should," Tommy replied. "Hey, you! You must be new around here. Come on over and say hi."
The new kid came over and smiled at everyone. He was dressed all in white, and was very good-looking.
"Hey," he said. "My name's Arthur D. Newkid. Who are you?"
The Rangers all introduced themselves. Arthur said hello to all of them, and he was in return invited to sit down and join them. They talked for a while, and Arthur quickly learned that they had a lot in common - like him, they were all very good students, and they all practiced martial arts. By the sound of it, some of them were nearly as good as he was. It wasn't long before they were all fast friends.
"Hold it, hold it!" shouted the Tommy Demon. "What is going on here?"
"What do you mean, what's going on?" asked Arthur. "I'm writing a fanfic."
"I know that," Tommy Demon replied, "but it doesn't make any sense! Why is it that this good-looking, talented kid shows up at school, but nobody notices him except the Rangers? And why is that we invited him over to our private table in the middle of our private Ranger discussions? What if we had something important to talk about, huh?"
"You didn't," said Arthur.
"How do you know?"
"Because I'm the author, that's how," Arthur answered.
"So you mean there aren't going to be any emergencies today? We're just going to spend the whole fic just hanging around talking to this new kid?" asked Tanya Demon.
"No," said Arther. "Look, I know what I'm doing! Just play along, okay?"
He turned back to his writing. Tommy Demon looked at Tanya Demon.
"Do you think we should listen to him?" he asked.
"We'll give him the benefit of the doubt," she replied. "For a little while."
"All right, all right!" said Arthur. "Quit whispering behind my back and get back in your places! I'm going to need you all in a minute."
Reluctantly, the demons returned to their places around Arthur's keyboard and leaned over to see what he would write next.
Act Two: The Scary New Villain
Far out in space, a scary new villain was making his way across the galaxy with his army of scary spaceships. He had millions of monster soldiers, all of them loaded down with weapons unlike anything Earth had ever seen. They were scarier than anything the Power Rangers had ever battled before. As for their leader, he was so terrible that even the other villains were frightened of him.
In the castle of the Machine King, Klank came running into the room.
"Your majesty, I have an urgent message for you!" he exclaimed. "We've just gotten word that a scary new villain is on his way over!"
"Oh, no, not that!" the king exclaimed. "We'll have to evacuate immediately!"
Within moments, the Machine Empire had packed up their things and were flying for the dark parts of the universe, never to be seen again. The scary new enemy was pleased to find the moon nice and empty so he could move in with no problems. Very soon, he had his own base established and was ready to begin taking over the world.
"Why?" asked the Adam Demon.
"Why, what?" Arthur replied.
"Why is he going to take over the world," Adam Demon clarified. "It doesn't sound like he really needs to. If he's so powerful, what does he want with Earth? We really aren't good for much, unless he's got a really killer craving for McDonald's or Britney Spears."
"Yeah, I've always wondered about that," Rocky Demon commented. "What is so special about Earth, anyway? Seems pretty random, to me. Especially that last bit with the Machine Empire coming to steal our natural resources. We're already running low on natural resources. Why didn't he go strip-mine Mars or something?"
"Is that what he came here for?" asked Tanya Demon. "I thought it was just to be annoying."
"He doesn't need a reason!" said Arthur. "He's a scary new villain! Scary new villains always want to take over Earth! It's just what they do in their spare time."
"And that's another thing," said Tommy Demon. "Why doesn't this monster have a name?"
Arthur blushed. "I couldn't think of anything scary enough. Think anyone will notice?"
The Katherine Demon sighed and whispered to Tanya, "I don't think anyone will read that far."
"Hey, I've got a question now," said Rocky Demon. "You just told us you were going to need us, and then you went off and wrote about this villain without a name. Where do we come in?"
"Now," Arthur replied.
The demons quieted down, grumbling. The Tommy Demon hit the Rocky Demon.
"You shouldn't have asked," he said.
The Rangers were still hanging around the Youth Center, having a good time talking to their new friend, Arthur D. Newkid. Suddenly, their communicators went off.
"Sorry, Arthur," said Tommy. "I just remembered I had something I need to do. I've got to leave."
"Yeah, and we remembered what he remembered," said the rest of the Rangers.
"That's okay," said Arthur. "I understand."
The Rangers hurried out into an empty hall and answered their communicators.
"Zordon, we read you," said Tommy.
"Rangers, there is an emergency. Please report to the Power Chamber immediately for briefing."
"We're on our way," Tommy replied, and they teleported away.
"Ever notice that nobody ever uses that hall but us?" said Katherine Demon.
"That's not so unbelievable," answered Tanya Demon. "What's unbelievable is that every time we go into it, we don't actually go down the hall. We just stand there in the doorway where everyone can see us."
"You be quiet," said Adam Demon. "We're not here to heckle the show, just the fic."
"I know why the new kid doesn't mind them leaving," said Rocky Demon.
"You and the rest of the world," Adam Demon replied.
"Anybody else want to bet that the day Zordon has been dreading has arrived?" asked Tommy Demon.
"This is getting really bad when we can't even wait for the end of the scene to make comments," Katherine Demon muttered. "Can we get back to the story, please?"
Tanya Demon stared at her. "You actually want to see the rest of this?"
"I want it to be over," she replied.
"Oh. Good point," Tanya replied. "Okay, on with the story!"
The Rangers arrived at the Power Chamer in five streaks of colored light.
"Ay, yi, yi, you're here! Thank goodness," Alpha exclaimed.
"What's up, Zordon?" asked Tommy.
"The day I have been dreading has arrived," Zordon replied. "The Villain Without a Name has arrived from the far reaches of the universe to take over the world. His powers are greater than anything you have faced before."
"What are we going to do?" asked Katherine.
"I'm afraid I don't know," Zordon replied.
"I'll tell you!" said an unexpected voice.
Everyone turned to stare. Standing in the back of the Power Chamber was Arthur D. Newkid.
"Arthur! What are you doing here?" asked Rocky.
"I came to help you," Arthur replied. "You see, my name isn't really Arthur D. Newkid. I'm really an alien from a distant galaxy, and I've been tracking the Villain Without a Name, looking for someone worthy to carry these Way Cool New Powers I've brought."
He waved his hand in the air, producing an elaborately decorated box, which he opened, revealing ten crystals in different colors.
"This crystal is mine," he said, holding up a white one. "I use it to become the White WayCool Ranger, your new leader. The rest of you can have the other colors."
"But there are ten crystals left and only five of us," Rocky pointed out. "Who's going to carry the rest of them?"
"Oh, I've already taken care of that," said Arthur. He snapped his fingers, and the door of the Power Chamber opened. In came Jason, Zack, Trini, Billy, and Kimberly.
"Hi!" they all said. "We're back! Arthur called us and told us you needed our help, so here we are!"
"Hi, Tommy," said Kimberly. "I'm so glad I'm getting to come back again. I hope you know, that letter thing was all just a misunderstanding. I'm really still in love with you."
"I understand completely," answered Tommy.
"What am I going to do now?" Katherine complained.
"It's okay," said Arthur. "You can date me now."
"Oh, cool!" answered Katherine. "I never liked Tommy anyway."
"Now it's time to hand out all the powers," said Arthur. "Everyone take your crystals."
Everyone did. Tommy got the gold crystal. Rocky got the red crystal. Kat got the pink crystal. Kim got the purple crystal. Jason got the blue crystal. Zack got the black crystal. Trini got the yellow crystal. Adam got the green crystal. Tanya got the orange crystal. Billy got the brown crystal.
"Congratulations," said Arthur. "You are now all the WayCool Rangers, protecting the Earth against evil!"
"Ooh, drama," said Rocky Demon. "Does this mean the story's over now? Please?"
"What do you mean, over?" asked Arthur. "I'm just getting started. What's the good of giving everyone way cool powers and stuff if they aren't going to use them?"
"Please tell me there's going to be a plot now," Tommy Demon begged.
"But it already has a plot!" Arthur replied.
Tommy Demon sighed. "I meant a plot that doesn't totally revolve around your new Ranger and new Villain."
"Of course not!" said Arthur. "I'm going to make a very good plot. Just watch."
"All right," said the demons. "We'll give you one more scene to prove this is a good fanfic."
"What do you mean?" asked Arthur. "This is the best fanfic ever!"
The demons moaned. Arthur shrugged and went back to his writing. There was just no telling with these demons sometimes.
It was very dark in the base of the Villain With No Name. He sat on his throne, watching his minions scuttle around in the shadows. Suddenly, the door opened, and a dark figure walked in.
"Who are you?" asked the Villain With No Name.
"My name is Billy Cranston," answered the shadowy figure. "I want to talk to you."
"About what?" asked the Villain With No Name.
"I want to be on your side," answered Billy. "My friends don't respect me anymore. I have to hang around and build stuff all day and never get to do anything cool. I got gypped over the Golden Powers. The writers tried to marry me off to a fish. And now Arthur gave me these new powers in ugly colors, and I don't want to wear them all the time. I want revenge on Arthur now, so I'm going to be on your side."
"That's wonderful," said the Villain Without A Name. "I will bestow upon you the Long Lost Powers of Supreme Darkness, which I have been saving until a worthy warrior should appear. They are now yours."
Back on Earth, the Rangers were having a snack at the Youth Center with their new friend, Arthur D. Newkid. Suddenly, Arthur looked up and frowned.
"What's wrong, Arthur?" asked Katherine worriedly.
"My extrasensory perception tells me that something very bad has just happened," he answered. "We should go to the Power Chamber at once and talk to Zordon."
The Rangers got up and slipped away towards the hallway that no one ever used, and then teleported to the Power Chamber. Zordon and Alpha were waiting for them.
"Rangers, I'm glad you are here," said Zordon. "I have very bad news. We have been betrayed. Billy has just gone to the side of the Villain Without A Name, and has accepted the Long Lost Powers of Supreme Darkness. With these powers, there is no telling what he will be able to do."
Suddenly, there was a brilliant flash. In the middle of the Power Chamber appeared a dozen men with long silvery beards and long white robes. One of them was carrying a jeweled box.
"Fear not!" said the man holding the box. "We are the Wise Men of the Distant World! For years, we have been searching for our long-lost prince! Long ago, he was kidnaped by alien invaders, who finally hid him away on this world to be raised by humans. They hid him well, but we've finally traced him here. You, Tommy Oliver, are our lost prince, and heir to his Mystical Powers!"
"Cool!" said Tommy. "Maybe they'll help get Billy back to our side."
"The Mystical Powers are unlimited," answered the Wise Men. "With them, anything is possible."
"All right!" said Arthur. "Let's go find Billy and get him back!"
"Right!" the other Rangers agreed, and they teleported away.
Arthur stopped typing. The demons crowded around hopefully.
"Are you done yet?" asked the Rocky Demon.
"I'm stuck," said Arthur. "I don't know how to write a fight scene."
"We'll help!" said the demons. "That's what we're for, you know - to help you with your writing."
Arthur looked at them with narrowed eyes. "I don't think I trust you guys. You haven't liked anything I've written so far."
"Don't worry," said the demons, looking angelic as they could. "We just want to make the story better, really."
"Well, all right," said Arthur. "But don't mess with it too much, okay?"
"We won't!" the demons promised. They dove into the story, and Arthur watched to see what they would do.
The Rangers appeared in the middle of a deserted street. Billy was already there, resplendent in his jet-black armor.
"We're here to stop you!" said Arthur.
"Oh, no you aren't," Billy replied. "I've earned these powers, and I'm going to keep them."
"No, you aren't," Tommy replied. "Not while I've got these Mystical Powers!"
There was a flash of light, and the Wise Men appeared again. With them was a scrawny kid in thick glasses.
"Excuse us," they said, "but there's been a small miscalculation. It seems you're not the long-lost heir after all. Those powers actually belong to some weird kid named Melvin." They took the box away from Tommy and handed it to Melvin.
"Oh, this is cool!" he said. "I wonder what I can get for this on eBay?"
He wandered off, and the Wise Men vanished again.
"So much for your Mystical Powers," said Billy.
"That's okay!" said Arthur. "We still have the WayCool powers I brought! WayCool Ranger Power, activate!"
There was a flash of lights, in which Arthur swirled around gracefully. The lights died away again, leaving him clothed in a Sailor Moon-style fuku.
"How do you like it?" he asked. "Cool, huh?"
"Ew," said Katherine. "Never mind. I can get a boyfriend somewhere else."
"You wanted us to wear that?" asked Rocky.
"What's wrong with this?" Arthur replied. "This is the noble battle attire of my planet! What kind of weakling goes into a battle wrapped up in armor? It's far more honorable to show your courage by leaving as much skin bare as possible!"
The Rangers looked at each other.
"Can I kill him now?" asked Billy.
Everyone nodded. Arthur gave a shriek and ran away, with Billy in hot pursuit. There was a burst of light and an explosion. Billy came back, dusting his hands.
"That takes care of him," he answered.
There was a burst of light again, and the Villain Without A Name appeared. Everyone tensed.
"Thank goodness," said the Villain Without A Name. "You finally got rid of that kid!"
"Huh?" said everyone.
"I've been following that Arthur D. Newkid around forever," he answered. "For a minute there, I was worried you really liked that twerp, but I can see now that you're all right. I'd be proud to make an alliance with people like you."
"Awesome," said Tommy. They shook hands.
"So I guess this is a happy ending," said Kimberly. "We don't have any more enemies to worry about, Billy has powers again, and I've got Tommy."
"Actually, I meant to say something about that," answered Tommy. "Actually, Tanya and I were planning on eloping, and now that we don't have to fight monsters anymore, this seems like a good time. Come on, Tanya."
Tommy and Tanya walked off happily, holding hands. Kim and Katherine stared. They looked at each other.
"Well, that's a bummer," said Kim.
"I guess so," answered Kat.
"So I guess we're single now," said Kim.
"I guess we are," Kat replied.
"So... Doing anything tonight?" asked Kimberly.
"Not that I know of. Want to go do something?"
"Sounds like fun."
So Kimberly and Katherine walked off into the other direction, happily holding hands, and everyone lived happily ever after. The End.
Arthur stared at his computer screen.
"That was the weirdest thing I ever read," he said.
"I know," said Tommy. "Isn't it great?"
"It's awful," he said. "The worst fic I've ever read!"
"Well, what are we going to do with it?" asked the Adam Demon.
"I don't know," he replied. "I can't just delete it! I've been working on it all day!"
"Why don't you submit it under some made-up pen name?" asked the Tanya Demon. "Then nobody will know you wrote it."
"Well... Okay," said Arthur D. Author. "What would be a good name? Hm... SilvorMoon has kind of a nice ring to it. I'll use that."
So Arthur submitted his fanfic and waited to see what would happen.