The price of freedom

I keep on shivering, but I don't know if I really feel cold. I stare into the endless sky with empty eyes. I lay in one of the lifeboats, the one and only that came back.

But I'm not sure if it was right to get into that boat.

I feel numb and weak. I can barely move, but the pain I feel is nothing compared to the one I feel deep inside my heart.

I feel like I can't breathe. I don't want to go on, but something inside of me told me that I had to do so.

I hear men whispering around me, but I'm too tired to listen.

I close my eyes and suddenly I'm back on the Titanic.

I tried to figure out when I finally realized when something started to go terribly wrong. At this point, I felt alive for the very first time in my life and only a moment later, everything was gone. It all went so fast that I didn't know what was going on around me. I saw people crying, they began to panic. Terror written on their faces, but I couldn't let that happen.

Deep inside, I felt the same.

The only thing I thought about was saving Jack.

I promised to do so and I would've never left the ship without him. I know he would've done the same for me.

He saved me once from the hell I lived. I was desperately trapped in a cruel world with nothing but business, boring dinner parties and the good reputation. The one that my mother tried to keep up, no matter how. I was tired of being the obedient child.

I felt like I was going to die. Trapped inside the world I was forced to live in, trapped inside my body.

When I sat at the dinning table, I heard all their voices far away. All that was in my mind was my marriage. I knew I would die sooner or later when I marry Cal. As soon as I'll leave the ship with him, it'll be over.

I knew this was my only chance to escape from the hall I lived in for so many years. I ran into my room and tried to rip that stupid dress from my body, but couldn't manage to do so. I called out for Trudy with a tearful voice but she wasn't there. And the dress remained tightly wrapped around my body.

Like chains who reminded me of the fact that I had no way out. Except this one. The rage that I kept under the surface started to take charge of me and the next thing I realized is that I screamed. I was on the verge of tears, but it didn't help.

I knew I had to run.

A few moments later, I ran on the deck, my hairs loose in the wind.

When I stopped, I tried to get some air and for the first time this evening, I realized how cold it was. When I stood on the rail, I thought I was determined, but I was afraid.

And suddenly there was him. Someone with me was the very last thing I needed, but I let him talk. Although he bothered me, he fascinated me at the same time and after a while I decided to climb back onto the boat. I don't really know why I came back, but something in his voice made me do so.

I screamed when I slipped on the rail, but he kept holding my hand until I was save. He was even willing to jump off with me and I didn't understand this.

He lied for me, because somehow he knew that I would get in trouble if he told them the truth. And he was the bad one. He lied for me and he didn't even know who I was.

That was the first time he saved me and slowly, I began to realized who he actually was.

Someone who seemed to have nothing, but had everything.

He was lucky and that was everything that counted. He showed me how this feels, what life is really about and most of all, what true love means.

I didn't care about my mum and Cal and I took a decision, it changed everything.

I saw my life slipping through my fingers without the slightest chance to do something about it.

When I jumped back onto the boat, the time seemed to stand still and I'd never been more determined before.

I had to stay with him. I refused my mother and I didn't regret a second of it. When I watched her getting into the lifeboat, I finally knew where I belong. And that was a world far away from hers.

The moment when I sat on the rail with Hack, he remembered me that this is th place where we first met. And it should've been the last one.

I was under the surface and tried to hold his hand, but the strength of the sinking ship tore us apart and I was lost.

Lost in a water that's so cold that I thought I would loose consciousness, I coudn't move but the thought of Jack made me swimming and a few moments later, I found him.

All of sudden, I didn't find it that bad anymore. I thought we didn't have any chance, but I would be with him when it happens. And again, it turned out differently.

I don't know where we are, but the sky above me got brighter. I thought of Mr. Andrews and prayed that he didn't suffer. I hope it happened fast. The fact that he felt ashamed and sorry for what happened, despite the fact that it wasn't his fault, it was a horrible punishment for such a wonderful man. I liked him in any way and he accepted me and especially Jack for who he was.

I still hear the music playing, I still feel what I felt when I asked Jack to draw me. I still hear the cold water flooding the ship and the crying people. I smell the fresh paint and I know it would last a lifetime.

I drifted back to sleep, wishing not to wake up again.

I don't know how much time passed by when someone wakes me up gently. I see a boat and for one moment I think that it was all a terrible nightmare.

The bright sun hurt my eyes and I felt exhausted, wanting to stay where I am. I climbed on the boat with the help of others and as soon as I feel the steady ground beneath my feet, they refuse to carry me any longer. The last thing I realize before everything fades to black is a woman who catches me.

A little later, I stand on the deck, feeling as empty as I'd never been before. Only my heart is filled with love and sadness.

From a distance I hear a familiar voice and my heart starts to pound faster. It's Cal. If he finds me now, he'd bring my back to the well-known hell and I'd never let that happen again. I turn around when he approaches, not daring to take a breath.

It's the last time I saw him.

I rained when we finally arrived in New York. I had no one to talk to except the one who asked me for my name.

I looked up to the Statue of Liberty. The symbol of freedom. A few days ago, I thought that this is all I ever wanted but no one told me about the price I had to pay.