Author: Brinkmess PM
Saix is used to being alone and never having to feel. But when Xemnas offers him a chance at happiness, will he manage to find the right words to express himself? XemSai, Rated M for later chaps.Rated: Fiction M - English - Romance - Saïx & Xemnas - Chapters: 6 - Words: 22,931 - Reviews: 29 - Favs: 32 - Follows: 16 - Updated: 09-07-09 - Published: 03-12-09 - Status: Complete - id: 4919338
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Authors note- Well, it's been a long couple of months. I always thought this story wouldn't be longer than three chapters...four at the most. Well, look at it now. I'm so proud of myself and you guys, we've freaking done it! It brings me much joy...and pain, to bring you the final installment of this story.
Disclaimer- I do not own the KH franchise.
Other authors note- Yes, I am a FFVI fan. Why do you ask?
Still whoring out...this time my favorite FF game...great.
There was doubt in Xemnas' mind. A part of him believed what he had done to Saix might have made him believe that this was love. Rape was indeed a terrible thing, and he had done this to Saix on multiple occasions (this was censored though…). He pinned Saix down, told him he loved him, and he did what no good man would do to someone they loved. Perhaps Saix was damaged in some sort of way, maybe he'd been brainwashed by all that had happened. Xemnas grimaced at the very thought. This was a very possible notion. Who knew what had gone through Saix's mind that rainy night, that long week…
…And now Saix was sitting on a hospital bed, he arm being wrapped slowly and tightly, and when he and Saix made eye contact, there was absolute silence. It was so awkward for Xemnas, and all too confusing. He wanted to talk to Saix. He wanted to tell him how sorry he was and promise Saix the whole world. It killed him to look into those magnificent yellow eyes. Xemnas made sure this happened as little as possible by keeping his eyes on the wound. But it was so hard. He felt the soft skin, how warm it was getting now that Saix was fully alert.
Xemnas stood up after finishing up with the bandaging. Saix stared at his arm disdainfully; upset that the only he received from Xemnas was in the form of this cloth.
Xemnas remained silent, but found himself wincing just a little as the cold was beginning to affect his wound. By now, the pain was smarting him, and to make matters worse, the wound was beginning to burn.
"What about you," he asked while looking as his nicely bandaged arm.
"I wouldn't bother too much with the wound I've sustained," Xemnas said. He raised up his hand and stared at the bloodied up knuckles. "No, I will let it as it."
"You'll get an infection," Saix said. He looked up at Xemnas with a concerned look.
"I deserve to have it fester, "Xemnas said, "a small punishment for the things I've done to you." Xemnas tightened his wounded hand into a fist. "This doesn't even add up to the things I've done…"
"I've forgiven you," Saix said in an upset voice.
"But you shall always remember," Xemnas added. "And as will I-in memory and in the form of this."
"I can forget," Saix said defensively.
"Can you," Xemnas said doubtfully. "Can you truly forget the times I've forcefully claimed you? Will you forget the things I've said? Can you possibly forget the abuse you've sustained?"
Saix immediately went quiet. He knew it would be impossible to forget all those things. He knew they would last forever, and that for a nobody…who knew how long forever would last.
But Saix overlooked this possibility. He raised his head up and stared at his Superior. Would he never get what he wanted?
"You didn't say it back," Saix said. He stretched his arm out, his hand beckoning for his leader.
"No, I didn't…," Xemnas whispered. He stared at the white glossy hand that was out reaching for him. He glanced at his own hands, staring at them as if they did not belong. Gradually, he moved his hand closer to Saix and when he was close enough, he gently took hold of it.
Xemnas moved in closer, closing the gap between him and Saix. With his free hand, he pushed Saix close to him. Xemnas let go of Saix hand and instinctively embraced him. He closed his eyes and felt arms wrap around him, those frail arms that had tried to push him away just a week ago…
"I love you," Xemnas whispered into Saix's ear. "I love you so much…more than I really should be capable of." Xemnas squeezed Saix a bit as he tightened his grasp, possibly afraid of what was to come next. "I never felt this sure as a nobody," he continued, "No; I've never felt this sure in both lives…"
"Then let go," Saix said to his Superior.
"I will always remember," Xemnas said in despair.
"And so will I," Saix said. "But I can let go…"
"I don't want this cycle to continue," Xemnas muttered.
"We can remember together," Saix said desperately.
"I want you to forget as much as possible…"
"What happened before won't happen again…"
"And how can you be so sure," Xemnas asked. He sadly removed his grasp from the Luna Diviner. He stared down and waited.
"…I don't know," Saix answered, his whole constitution broken.
"Because it's impossible," Xemnas corrected. Xemnas withdrew himself from Saix, and the gap between the too began to widen.
"Number VII," Xemnas stopped Saix. "I've lived in this world, capable of functioning without you." Xemnas stared at the miserable looking Saix and sighed. "I believe now its time to continue that lifestyle."
"And it's for the better," Xemnas continued. "You'll live without me as I have without you, and you'll forget as much as you can…and you'll remember what you must…to protect yourself from such a thing ever occurring again."
Without taking a step closer, Xemnas lifted his arm and touched Saix lightly on the face. He lifted up Saix face, his expression not changing in spite of Saix's terribly disappointed expression.
Yes, it hurt, it Xemnas so much. But it had to be this way. Saix would heal and eventually, things would return the way they should be. Saix would
"Why can't we try," Saix asked.
Xemnas closed his eyes and sighed at his subordinate's determination.
"You really love me that much," Xemnas muttered eloquently. Xemnas lowered his head.
Saix grabbed hold of Xemnas' hand. He held in tightly in his grasp, not wanting to let go.
"Please…," Saix begged.
Xemnas leaned forward and placed a kiss on Saix's forehead. As he did he listened to Saix begin to cry helplessly.
It was over.
"Goodbye," Xemnas whispered to Saix. He moved away from the distressed man and sighed. He closed his eye, pretending as best as he could that he could not hear Saix calling for him.
1 month later…
"-and that is why Final Fantasy VI kicks VII's ass in every way possible," Xigbar said enthusiastically.
"Dude, that game sucks," Demyx whined," I mean, just look at the villain! He's a freaking clown!"
"Don't you dare diss Kefka/Cefca," Xigbar warned.
"I will-starting with his awful laugh," Demyx said immaturely, unaware that the Freeshooter had summoned his weapons behind his back.
Saix shook his head unenthusiastically as the two nobodies fought. This conversation had been going on for a good three hour now, which was a good 2 hours and thirty minutes more than he could handle.
"Hey, Saix," Xigbar called, "you in there buddy?"
Saix blinked and faced Xigbar. Had he heard that correctly?
"Yes," Saix answered.
"Give it to me straight; Sephiroth or Kefka," Xigbar said, raising a finger, "And I want a reason too!"
Saix couldn't believe Xigbar was asking him this. It had been an interesting few weeks…
"Well," Saix began, "if I to choose…I guess it would be Kefka. Unlike most Square Villains, he has no real sad past, no reason for him to be evil."
"Doesn't that make him less-"
"-He chooses to what he does simply because he enjoys it-unlike Sephiroth who does what he does out of anger and self pity." Saix stopped, wondering if anything should be added. "Oh, and Kefka isn't a clown; he portrays a jester."
"Yeah…well, Sephiroth has a seven foot sword," Demyx stammered in defense.
"Compensation," Xigbar said. "Check and mate."
"You guys suck," Demyx muttered. He sank into his chair and stared snidely at the two nobodies. Xigbar laughed. Saix rolled his eyes.
Yes, a great deal of changes had happened in the past month. For starters, half of the organization left on an important mission in an attempt to capture Sora. For about two weeks now the castle had been drastically silenced. The second biggest change was also the addition of a heart-shaped moon. Whenever Saix walked around the city, or gazed down upon it, he could see the huge object in the sky, floating high above the Alter of Naught.
And then there was Saix. The first week was the hardest…and the other members took note of his depression. Of course it started with Marluxia and Larxene; the two dragged him around the castle and would involve him in their daily activities. Although the two were the exact opposite of Saix, and the fact that everything they did made him feel rather uncomfortable (hey Saix, want to help me iron my hair? Want me to iron yours? No, are you sure? It would look nice…), he appreciated their purpose and… smiled at this. This eventually led to Axel and Demyx taking him under their wing, because they assumed Saix would lose his sanity and manhood after spending a week with those two. And from them came Luxord…then Xigbar…and on this list went. And now he was having conversations revolving around stupid topics such as the best Final Fantasy, the dumbest moments in history, and who had the best hairdo in the Organization. Well…it could be worse…
But as soon as he got to see the nicer side of his members they were sent away. Since then Saix found himself, completely unaware, bonding with Xigbar and Demyx, being forced into the oddest of conversations (odd being the strangest smell you've ever smelled conversation). Not that he minded…too much; he did find comfort in conversation, as long as the conversation was short and to the point. But when exactly did Xigbar see him as a friend?
"Good day gentlemen," Luxord said respectively as he walked into the small leisure room, "I bare good news from Castle Oblivion."
"What is it," Demyx asked curiously. He had gotten over the fact that Kefka was the superior villain.
"Sora has entered the castle," Luxord said with his usual proud smile. "And he has begun to climb his way up to the top level."
"That's great man," Xigbar said.
"Yes," Luxord said, "it will only be a matter of time before the Keyblade master falls into our grasp…"
"And we'll have hearts," Saix muttered.
"Exactly," Luxord said, unaware that Saix wasn't talking to him.
This was a joyous occasion, but unfortunately, Saix wasn't able to see this. The thought of him finally getting his heart back was no longer a dream. He was still upset, though he kept this hidden from anyone, and he knew if he ever got his heart back it would only make him feel worse.
And now it was a real possibility… Sora was a simple child, he would truly fall for the trap and it would only be a matter of time before he got his heart again. He would be complete….but he would also be alone. Saix mused over the frightening thought. He would know what true love was…
But he wouldn't be able to share it with anyone.
He could…he knew once he had a heart he would be able to fall in love. But he refused to accept anyone else. Xemnas….he….
"What eating you," Xigbar asked. He moved closer to the Luna Diviner. "You feeling ok?"
Saix nodded his head, lying to his concerned… friend.
"I'm just…tired," Saix lied, cleverly keeping his away from Xigbar. "I just had a mission…remember?"
"Ah, of course," Xigbar said with a nod. To him it made sense.
But to Luxord it was a different story. He knew the story of the strange love hate relationship between Saix and the Superior. For a while he questioned over why Saix would be so depressed when he should be so happy. It was a peculiar thing; love, and as one could assume, Luxord knew quite a bit of it. It didn't take him long to figure out the story, and to a certain extent, he felt sympathy for Number VII.
"I say," He said cleverly, "I haven't seen Xemnas or Xaldin in a while. Do any of you have a good idea of where I might locate the two- to share the news of our future victory?"
"They're in the Dark City," Xigbar said rather plainly. "Ridding of all those annoying heartless…I'd have joined…but y'know."
"Indeed," Luxord said. He turned to Saix.
"Saix, may I ask you to perform a favor for me," Luxord asked.
"What is it," Saix asked.
"Well, as you can imagine, I've exhausted myself from the travel," Luxord confessed with his smile still spread across his face. "Teleporting isn't as cracked up as it appears to be…that's the saying right?"
"I guess," Saix said questioningly.
"It would be very kind of you and a huge relief for me, if you could teleport down to the city and find the two, tell them the great news," Luxord said. "I'd go, but I'm much to tired…and I doubt I'd be able to fight off any heartless."
Saix didn't seem so sure about this. He hadn't spoken privately with Xemnas since…he didn't think this would be a good idea.
"Just tell them what needs to be said," Luxord said, reading Saix's face easily as if it were a children's book.
Saix sighed and nodded his head.
"Much obliged," Luxord smiled.
Saix slowly got up from his seat and began to conjure up a dark portal. As he did Luxord walked over and whispered quite sneakily, so that no one would notice;
"Don't let him get away…"
Saix had teleported himself right into the middle of the city, and from there he began to search. But much to his surprise he could not find his fellow nobody's in any of the regular area. He walked through thin alleyways, through long underground tunnels; he passed several empty restraints, passed a gothic supply store, a bookstore, a rather nice looking club that he'd never seen before, over a bridge, under the bridge…
Until he realized that he was in unfamiliar territory.
Saix liked being lost…to a certain extent. The part of the city he was in looked rather ghetto; the buildings appeared old and unstable, what little stores there were seemed to be run down and closed, and it rank of sewage. Saix groaned…he knew he was going to have to teleport his way back to the castle…that is…if he properly locate it. Saix looked up into the sky, astonished that the floating castle was nowhere in sight.
This could be a tad problematic.
Saix walked around the surrounding area. He could detect heartless all over, watching him carefully.
Saix summoned Lunatic and held his guard, waiting for the heartless to come out. He knew they would attack him, the unintelligent creatures ran on the simplest of instincts.
And as if they read his mind tons and tons of shadow emerged from the pavement floor. Saix smiled cruelly; this would only be too easy.
Saix swung his claymore, easily removing half of the weak shadows. A few shadow decided to be brash and jumped toward Saix; their claws out for him. Saix didn't have to worry over such a thing; he easily dodged the attacks and took them out bared- handed. He swung his huge weapon again; removing all visible shadow in the area.
But no sooner did he begin to relax did more heartless appear, this time Neoshadow. Saix groaned and tightened the grip on his sword. It took a few more hits, but Saix was able to take down the meddlesome creatures. One by one, the heartless faded away, and once again Saix was alone. Or was he?
Saix took a breath and sighed. He let Lunatic fall to the floor as he began to relax a little. He looked at the buildings in front of him. Nothing was there…
Instinctively, Saix raised is weapon, turned around, and swung. His weapon made contact, but it shattered as it hit red glowing aerial blades, the only thing left was Saix's handle. Saix was shocked. He dropped his weapon as it began to fade away. He frowned at this, how he could have…
Saix looked up at his Superior.
Xemnas stood there, his face just as surprised as Saix's. He wasn't expecting that kind of welcome. He returned his weapon back to him and crossed his arms.
Saix looked down once again. He was nervous.
"What are you doing here," Xemnas asked. He looked puzzled. And nervous…
So he felt it as well…
"Number I," Saix muttered. He took a breath. "I have news…from Number X, about Castle Oblivion."
Saix raised his head up just a little, but refrained from making eye contact.
"Do you," Xemnas said in a very interested voice, "do tell."
"He was informed that Sora had entered the Castle and is now making an attempt to the top."
"Is he now," Xemnas muttered. Saix heard Xemnas chuckled, overjoyed to hear his plan was a success. Xemnas took a step closer to Saix, but didn't do nothing more.
"…Number I," Saix muttered.
"Is there something else you need to tell me," Xemnas asked. There was no hint of pain in his voice, not the slightest sound of regret…
Perhaps he was over the relationship…
Perhaps he forgot, he no longer cared anymore, and it was all part of the past…
"Nothing," Saix replied, "I have nothing else to inform you."
"I see then" Xemnas said. "Well, you may return to the castle…"
"…I," Saix mumbled.
"Yes Number VII?"
"I'm unable to locate the castle or any major land points from where I'm currently standing…"
"You're lost," Xemnas asked.
"It would seem so," Saix answered. This didn't look good.
Xemnas stared oddly at Saix before sighing. "Come with me."
If Saix had a heart…it would've stopped.
"I wouldn't want to be a bother…"
"You're never a bother," Xemnas said. He began to walk off. Saix stared nervously at his Superior; a bit unsure of what to do…he began to slowly follow, keeping his distance.
"You see that tall building over there," Xemnas pointed. Saix looked up and could se the tall skyscraper pointed up to the black night sky. Or was it day…? No, it was night; the city lights were turned off for a resting period.
"Yes," Saix answered.
"I assume you can teleport back from here then," Xemnas said. Without saying another word, or even to give Saix a chance to thank him, Xemnas walked off.
Saix turned around and watched as his Superior walked off into god knows where. Would he just let it end like this…? Saix knew if he didn't say something now…it really would be over. The distance between the two had grown so much in the past month. If he let him get away now…
Xemnas, much to his surprise, stopped and turned around. He stared ominously at Saix, waiting patiently…
"….," Saix frowned. "…could you please inform Number III, as I have yet to locate him in the city?"
He couldn't believe it…just how pathetic could he be?
"I will inform Number III," Xemnas said. He looked a bit disappointed. "Number VII?"
"Yes," Saix asked.
"You are to inform me as either Number I or Superior," Xemnas said rather coldly, "do you understand?"
"….," Saix couldn't believe it…it really was over. "Yes, Number I"
"Very good," Xemnas said.
Saix frowned and immediately turned away from his Superior. He stared at the skyscraper and heard the sound of boots walking away from him. It was over; there was nothing left to think about. He could not love. He could not love. He could not love. He could not love Xemnas.
Saix stared up at Kingdom Hearts (it was far, but he could find it…). It would give him a heart soon, soon Sora would be in their grasp. Heartless would be destroyed and they would in turn release hearts. Kingdom Hearts would be complete… He would have a heart…
…and so would Xemnas.
"Xemnas," Saix called. He stared into the many dark alleyways, staring into the darkness in hope that there would be signs of movement. "Xemnas…"
Saix stared and waited. Please…don't let it be to late…
After what seemed like an eternity of waiting, Saix saw a figure emerged from the darkness. He stared at Xemnas' worried look, his confused look telling Saix that there was still hope. He could see it in his eyes. He had to take action now…
"Saix," Xemnas said, his breathing hard from hurrying over.
"Kingdom Hearts," Saix whispered, "I…don't you…"
"What," Xemnas asked.
"I don't want a heart," Saix said sadly.
Xemnas' eyes widened in shock; how could a nobody say such a thing?
"How could you utter such a horrid thing," Xemnas asked/
"…I can't," Saix said weakly.
"You cannot…," Xemnas asked.
"…I can't forget," Saix said. "I can't forget…not now, not ever…and I can't stand it. I'm just a nobody; I shouldn't have to suffer this much. Imagine how terrible it would be if I had a heart?"
"If having a heart means I'll be alone and hurt forever, then I suppose I'd rather continue in a world of non-existence."
"You don't mean those words," Xemnas said frowning at Saix.
"I do," Saix said, rather confidently. He had that same stoic look on his face. The same look he had when Xemnas had approached him so long ago…
"…why would you condemn yourself so easily," Xemnas asked. He looked upset.
"…Because," Saix said.
"I don't want to know what it's like to truly love you…and never have those feelings returned," Saix said finally.
"It hurt so much for you," Saix continued, "it hurt you to not have it returned…I'm not as strong as you, Xemnas. I know I won't be able to simply forget it…"
"…," Xemnas bit his lip. He closed his eyes.
"What will you do," Saix then asked.
Xemnas was silent.
"What will you do once you finally receive your heart," Saix asked. "Will you forget about me?" Saix took a step closer to Xemnas. "Will you truly learn to forgive and forget?
"Kingdom Hearts is so close to awakening," Saix continued. "What will happen to us once we become whole?" Saix walked over to Xemnas, unafraid and rather confident.
Saix placed his gloved hand on top of his superior's shoulder.
"I'm afraid," Saix said.
Xemnas opened his eyes and looked up at his subordinate. He amber eyes were lined with wet tears.
"You shouldn't be afraid," Xemnas said.
"I will…always be afraid," Saix said. "But…I know you'll never hurt me. You'll never disrespect me. You'll never look down or use me…ever again."
"We'll always be unsure," Saix said, and we will never be a perfect pair. But I don't care about us being accepted."
Xemnas grabbed hold of Saix and embraced him. Saix felt tears run down his pale face even though he wasn't upset…yet. He was something…
"We won't always be happy together," Saix added, "we'll get upset and we'll blame each other…but we'll understand that's just how we are because we're not whole yet."
"…not yet," Xemnas muttered.
"We'll never really love each other," Saix finally said, "we can't love…but, if we start trying now…when Kingdom Hearts is finished; we will be."
"I love you," Saix said. The tears had finally stopped and Saix felt that warm feeling inside of him. It was going to be ok…it would be ok…it wouldn't be perfect, no happily ever after…but ok.
"… I love you too," Xemnas said. More tears ran down his tanned skin. Despite being the intelligent, powerful, majestic leader that he was Xemnas couldn't help but bawl right now. He grabbed tight on to his wonderful diviner and buried his face into the other's coat.
"Happily ever after," Saix mumbled.
"…not yet," he heard Xemnas mutter beneath him. "…but I promise, soon, you'll have a real one." Xemnas lifted his head up and stared at his lover. "…Just be patient."
Saix stared down at that dark empty city without even the smallest hint of light. Well, aside from the moonlight…
Kingdom hearts took such a lovely form…a form that almost energized him. He looked up and stared at the glorious figure floating in the sky.
Soon, very soon, he would be more than just nothing…
No, correction, he was already more than nothing. He was something to someone, and that made him worth more than one could possibly imagine. True, he was nothing in the worlds that surrounded him, but he was something valuable in spirit. That was more than he could hope for…
"What are you staring at," Xemnas asked Saix. He had just entered the Luna Diviner's room and was quite curious to find out what had grabbed his lover's attention.
"Kingdom Hearts," Saix answered. He walked over and greeted Xemnas respectively. No kisses until later…
"I see," Xemnas said, "then I guess you'll be happy to here that the keyblade wielder is almost halfway through the castle."
"Is he," Saix asked hopefully.
"Yes," Xemnas said with his cruel smile. That smile would still make Saix a bit nervous, even now at this moment… "Namine is beginning to work her way through his mind as we speak."
"Brilliant," Saix said.
"Truly," Xemnas said. He too was now staring at Kingdom Hearts…the only hope left for their kind. But it wasn't all too bad; unlike the majority, the two had each other.
It was special.
Xemnas grabbed Saix's chin and gently turned the face to him.
"Would you mind," he asked. Yes, there was still fear and doubt between the two, mostly with Xemnas, and there would be for quite some time…
"I wouldn't," Saix answered. Saix knew better than to fear his Superior.
Xemnas smiled and gently kissed Saix on the lips. The eyes met one another and the two happily began to deepen the kiss. Xemnas tasted and Saix and quickly began to dominate his still innocent lover.
The two were only so eager to remove the others clothing, only too awed to view the other's wonderful body and feel the others texture and memorize the feeling of their body, the sounds the other made, the excitement of their faces.
They were never too eager to make love. They could do so much before the final act, as they called it, but once it was over…well, it was over. Xemnas and Saix made it last as long as they could, driving the other insane as they would slowly reach climax. Xemnas would hold on to Saix and Saix would make the loveliest sounds underneath him, and the two would kiss each other and try to connect as long as they could.
Tonight was no different.
But what they would always save for last, for when it was all over and there was only one thing left to say…
"I love you," Saix said, smiling his best smile.
Xemnas smiled back at his Luna Diviner. He grabbed on to that hot, sweaty tired body and embraced him.
"I love you," he whispered back.
They said it-those three words.
Well, it's been fun. For those who are wondering...no, I will not release the uncensored chapter four. For the most part...It's pretty much the same thing. Chapter three did it's job in informing you how dysfunctional these two are...so yeah. Now, first of all; I want to thank you all! Those who clicked on this story, who favored it and alerted, and those who reviewed: you all rock. Second; you all should read my other stories...hint hint.
And three; I hope you all enjoyed reading this story as much as I did writing it. Brinkmess is pleased...over n out!
Nice to see Luxord in this fic...helping out Saix. When he's not a main character, he's trying to be one.