|Romeo and Juliet
Author: WeepingAngel123 PM
A parody to the ending of the American, modern day type film, Romeo Juliet. What if Romeo's heart had fallen fallen for something else during his exile? What if Juliet married Paris? And what if they decided to meet for one very last time?Rated: Fiction K - English - Parody/Humor - Words: 3,082 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 06-28-09 - Published: 03-14-09 - Status: Complete - id: 4922647
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N:- HEY, good peoples of Earth!
This is basically a redo of the modern-day (American) version of Romeo and Juliet. Ya know, the one with Clare Danes and Leo DeCaprio.
I've completely re-done this story and meshed it all into theis fic – editing and improving it. I hope you like!
Shoving on a smart pair of dark sunglasses, Romeo Montague completed his disguise with a fake moustache – which he superglued on, a brown porkpie hat, and an Inspector Clueso type brown coat. He snuck down to Majua's almost empty and dilapidated train station – quickly boarding the express train to fair Verona.
"HELLO SIR!" a man said, approaching Romeo. He was dressed all in black wools, had shiny, brown boots on, and was carrying what the man knew as a V.I.B. A Very Important Briefcase. "My name is STEVE!" he introduced loudly, eyes large and creepily joyful. "Do YOU happen to KNOW where the EMPIRE STATE HOTEL is? I'd be VERY GRATEFUL for your help!"
"Yes I do! It's the next stop on this train," chirped Romeo. "My name's Romeo Montague. I'm going there right now to meet my (once) one true love, Juliet Capulet, for the very last time, even though I'm supposed to be exiled from Verona itself…. Can I just ask, what's in that suitcase?"
"THIS?" he pointed at his V.I.B. "This is just my Very Important Briefcase, carrying a Very Important Bomb, to blow up a Very Important Building, called the Empire State Hotel! That's all…"
"Oh, OK," Romeo replied pensively and shrugged.
"THANK YOU ROMEO MONTAGUE!" Steve went off cackling to himself, rubbing his hands together in glee, as he went to find a place to sit.
"Thou 'twas nice…" Romeo settled, still half-daydreaming.
"MWAHAHAHA!" he shouted at the small something, which was currently occupying his desired seat by a 1cm. "Move you STUPID BALLPOINT PEN!"
Romeo slapped his head ruefully.
"Oh crap, I shouldn't have said my name was Romeo Montague," he said regretfully and slapped his head again. "Oh crap, I definitely shouldn't have said I was going to meet my one true love, Juliet Capulet." His eyes were bulging by this point. "Oh crap, I definitely definitely shouldn't have said I was exiled. Oh crap, I just gave away half my life story to a total stranger, who looked and sounded like a lunatic called Steve," He paused. "Oh crap, didn't he just say he was going to blow up the Empire State Hotel?! Ah well… Thou leprechauns will take care of him."
If everything went according to his deviously sneaky and premeditated plan, Romeo would make his way to Verona, check himself into the Empire State Hotel, and avoid capture and execution by the authorities – all under his parent's noses! Life was good.
Two and a half long weeks had flashed by, since his banishment and Romeo was determined to give a final farewell to Juliet, before he left for Norway with his darling cats. He wondered how Juliet would take the news of his new love affair with his Persian. Oh, she'd understand!
Some miles to the right, Juliet Capulet stood in the grand kitchen of the Capulet Manor sighing, as she continued to slice up some tomatoes and meat for dinner. She ran the butcher's knife up and down her fingers, admiring the cool, smooth metal and thinking of its many metallic properties.
She had reluctantly married Paris, just over two weeks ago now and she wasn't enjoying one bit of her marriage life. Juliet was only thirteen… She was not at all happy with this new 'husband' of hers. He was all 'learn this' and 'business' that, it was beginning to annoy her. And just the other day, he took her leaf hunting in the Forest of Stick and went completely ecstatic when he found a crisp, yellowing dollar amidst the grass.
He had awful taste in practically everything, including food. He liked Brussel sprouts or goodness sake! Surely, that couldn't be normal for a man his age! But enough was enough; she had to do something about it. It couldn't go on forever – it just wouldn't work.
Besides, she needed some time and freedom to slip out of the house, in the afternoon. You see, the Priest had called her and alerted her of Romeo's clever plan to meet her for the one last time...
But think, think, think! What on earth could she do? Suddenly, the pot of boiling tomatoes, herbs and pepper started bubbling and Juliet found her inspiration! She quickly slipped the rest of the meat and tomatoes into the soup, watching it dissolve and mix in with the soup. Juliet engulfed the sweet, delightful aroma, before she grabbed the butcher's knife.
"Juliet, you blinking genius," she said to herself. The young married girl smirked and called out innocently, to her husband who was in the dining room chatting to her father. "PARIS! Would thy mindeth taste the soup?"
Immediately, Paris came gallivanting into the room and strolled up to her pompously, sniffing the air.
"I hope your cooking has improved. That rabbit and earwig stew was not the most appetising."
If any other time, Juliet would've growled and frothed at the mouth, but instead, she ignored her husband's comments and smiled.
"Of course, dear," she added. "Now, TASTE."
She offered him the soup's wooden spoon and her eyes glinted with glee, as he accepted it and leaned over the simmering pot of bouillabaisse. Juliet laughed silently and swiftly seized the butcher's knife, behind his back. She positioned herself directly behind him and starting singing joyfully, holding the knife precisely 30 centimetres away from his throat.
"Come here, my precious!" she hissed to herself.
As soon as Paris lifted the spoon to his mouth, Juliet jumped into action and pressed the blade to Paris's throat, sliding it along to slit it open. Mmm… The blood smelt good. She tipped her head back a little and let his blood pour out into the (already) red soup. The blood gushed from his throat and splashed into the soup, immediately dissolving and mixing in. Oh, it looked absolutely perfect!
After she'd added the finishing touches of sugar and bee's wax – plucked from her own personal swarm of bees, she dragged Paris's lifeless body to the fridge and stuffed him in. She put him in with the vegetables, covering him with loads of vegetables and his favourite Oak tree leaf, to keep him company.
Humming serenely to herself, she tasted the soup and smacked her lips in anticipation. Boy, did Paris's blood and tomatoes taste good. She'd have to write down the recipe! Maybe she could make it as a vampire!
She ladled the 'soup' into four big bowls and served it out. When her parents asked, Juliet simply explained that Paris had left on a spontaneous Leaf Spotters trip without any warning. They shrugged it off.
Juliet rubbed her hands together and cackled to herself, at her own cunningness.
"Is something the matter?" her father asked her.
"Oh nothing, it's just the pixies visited again!" Juliet elucidated and gestured the soup quickly, "Go on – tuck in!"
Her parents shared a glance – not the pixies again! But they soon dismissed it and began to lap up the 'tomato' soup. Juliet sniffed her own and slurped up the soup greedily, enjoying every last morsel. She looked around and saw them all loving her own personal recipe. They didn't suspect a thing.
"This is delicious!" her mother cooed after, licking the dangerous red remnants off her lips. "What did you put in it?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?!"
Romeo paid the driver several crisp dollar bills and briskly waved him off; as he stepped out of the cab and simply 'forgot' to explain that, the money was counterfeit… Casually, he strolled across the width of a pavement and admired the polished, elaborate exterior of the Empire State Hotel. Trying to look cool and unsuspecting, he strolled toward the entrance of the hotel and attempted to get through the fast-spinning swivel, glass doors. But being the idiot he was, Romeo promptly crashed into the smooth glass with a CRACK and collapsed headfirst onto the marble floor.
"Ouch!" he muttered to himself, rubbing his head. "I'm never doing that again…"
He quickly scrambled up and made himself look presentable again, dodging the glass and successfully walking into the hotel. However, Romeo was famous for the memory of a goldfish, and failed to recognise the significant man called 'Steve' brush past him – whom of which was still carrying his V.I.B.
Romeo slid swiftly into the packed lift, and stopped off at floor thirteen.
Juliet paced up and down the rich, fluffy red carpet, a chunky, brown, unlit pipe in her mouth, as she muttered furiously to her imaginary friend. Otherwise known as thin air…
Romeo spotted Juliet right away and sprinted over to her, trying to hug her. The girl spun round, and screamed. Juliet spat her pipe out into his face and grabbed a nearby pot plant, whacked Romeo over the head repetitively. And rather brutally.
"TAKE THAT YOU PERVY CREEP! AN D THAT… AND THAT… AND THA--"
Romeo caught her wrists, and ripped off his fake beard – leaving a nasty red rash. Juliet retreated, breathing hard.
"What is it with me today?!" Romeo exclaimed, rubbing his extremely painful and bruised head. "First a glass door, and now a pot-plant!"
"Whoops?" Juliet tried innocently.
Down below in the boiler room, the man with the Very Important Briefcase, was very busy indeed. He was very busy, taking out the components of a dangerous bomb and rewiring it to the mainframe of the biggest boiler he could find. This particular fellow's name was actually Steve Luck, and he'd just escaped from the Majua's Psychiatric
You see, a couple of weeks ago his beloved wife 'Georgia' had been murdered in this hotel, but no justice was done about it, because there was no trace. So Steve went mad with rage at the police especially, and had to be locked up – as he so badly insisted that the police were vampires and raved round the City with a stake, trying to kill all of them... So now, recovered slightly, decided to get his vendetta for for the last time! He would stop this horrid hotel from causing any more damage, and go along with the explosion, to join his long gone corpse-of-a-wife.
Steve wasn't bothered that he'd die: he wasn't bothered that the whole population of the hotel would blow up into fumes with him; he wasn't bothered that the young lady in Room 14 was talking to her leprechaun friend: he wasn't bothered that the Crazy Cat Lady, back in the mental hospital, was eating his lunch; he wasn't bothered about the poor, defenceless family of frightened mice cowering in a corner and he certainly wasn't bothered about the 'couple' on floor Number Thirteen, by the names of Romeo and Juliet…
"Juliet, I shall proclaim this to you, before I leave forever…" Romeo muttered, taking her hand.
"Don't say that," Juliet replied.
"But it is true, I am leaving forever."
"I MEAN IT now, don't you dare say forever. You don't wanna see what saying that word, does to a thirteen year old girl!" Juliet warned.
Romeo winced and continued, "I love…"
Juliet fluttered her eyelids vainly; HA! She hadn't murdered Paris for nothing after all…
"I love… I love… I love Persian Cats."
"EXCUSE ME?! Did I just hear, what I think I heard?" Juliet bellowed, pulling away from the traitor's touch.
"I'm sorry. Thy declare thou's passion for Persian cats. I'm so sorry Miss Capulet, but my heart is no longer with you. I have moved on, my heart now belongs to my cats…"
"EXPLAIN!" she yelled, eyeing him suspiciously.
"Well," he sighed, "it all started off one week ago really. I was just walking around the barren desert-like surroundings, and then I heard this estranged meow… I went to investigate and I came across this beautifulstray Persian cat, all alone. Just like me... She led me to this WHOLE alley of fluffy white Persian cats; from then on, I knew fate brought us together…
"We're moving to Norway tomorrow, they've asked me to do my own LIVE show there. I will have to be taught Norwegian of course, but it's all sooooo perfect!! You can tell that the kitties are excited; they've left SO many scars on my leg this week only! So the gist and the gist of it is, we were just not meant to be, my fair maiden. Forgive me,"
Juliet's face reddened with anger, and she lunged in for a well-earned slap, but missed completely and fell flat on her face. Her cheeks went scarlet, with both humiliation and infuriation.
"WELL ROMEO MONTAGUE, YOU BABOON!! I KILLED THAT IDIOT, PARIS, JUST FOR YOU!"
"Number two hundred and twenty-two, here is you're a toilet paper!" hummed the Spanish waiter; accepting the money, still oblivious to the couple arguing. "Gracias senor."
Juliet's eyes locked on the innocent waiter. Romeo slowly retreated, in shock and confusion.
She stumbled up, "Well don't think I haven't got a boyfriend, it's not just YOU who's got stupid cats for girlfriends!"
"Juliet, I'm sor…"
"I hear no more! YOU'RE MY NEW BOYFRIEND AREN'T YOU?!?!" she growled viciously at the Spanish waiter, "I SAID AREN'T YOU??????"
"Umm…" the waiter stammered. "Senora, pleasa forgive me, I havva a wife and ki..."
He could say no more, as Juliet's eyes widened and before you knew it, the Spanish waiter was yanked down for a flagrant and horrid kiss. Juliet's grip tightened swiftly, and with no doubt at all, the waiter's neck gave a hair-raising SNAP!
Romeo didn't need to see or hear anymore, Juliet was happy now. She'd live a very hippy -happy life with his new Spanish acquaintance, just like he'd have a splendid life with his precious kitty-cats. He hopped onto the lift, tears rolling down his face.
"You shall come to your DOOM, Romeo Montague for all you have done to me!" Juliet cackled, releasing the waiter and prodding at his unconscious body on the floor.
As soon as the lift reached ground floor, he sprinted out. However, he was oddly oblivious to the plain obvious fact that the ground beneath him was quaking fervently.
"FOR YOU GEORGIAAAA!" Steve cackled madly, plunging down the shiny metal lever.
BANG! WHAM! POWWW!!!! All fifty-seven floors of the grand hotel fired up, and collapsed, as the ever-powerful dynamite released its full effect. The entire building exploded into pungent-smelling smog of: fire, toilets and screaming guests. One thousand, four hundred and seventy-two guests and staff alike went up with the flames…
"Oh-oh…" Romeo gasped, staring across the road at the Empire State Hotel collapsing in front of his very eyes.
He was so flabbergasted and bewildered, that he made the oh-so terrible mistake of stepping back… Helplessly, Romeo tumbled into the man-hole and landed with a SPLASH in a puddle of dirty water. He was badly injured, deranged but still alive. But for his unfortunate self, his voice couldn't reach all the twenty-five metres upwards and only three minutes later, the hole was sealed up for good.
"Ah well," Romeo shrugged, looking at the rats seated before him. "There's still me and my Harmonica. My cats will survive… So, rats, any of you want to listen to a free harmonica concert?"
The rats squeaked noisily; Romeo took it for a yes, and set off playing Lonely by Akon.
Several weeks later, the Capulets and Montagues met up at Verona Beach Cemetery for the funeral of Romeo AND Juliet. There were two coffins, but no bodies were inside. Instead was Juliet's favourite bracelet, and Romeo's bushy fake beard. One reason being was that the wreckage of the building was so bad, that nearly no bodies were recovered and most likely to have all turned to ash because of the radiation let off by the leak in the Nuclear Power Plant, two doors away.
The other reason being was that Romeo Montague was quite possibly STILL alive; perhaps feeding on a measly diet of rats and dirty old sewage water (The trouble was everybody thought Romeo and Juliet were together at the time of the explosion.
Of course both of the two families came, saddened and deeply distraught. Romeo's twenty-seven cats turned up to, with their newly appointed foster-nanny. The Priest solemnly made his way through the funeral; giving the final blessing as the coffins were cautiously lowered back down into their resting place.
"Montague…" Juliet's father said, after the ceremony.
"Capulet…" Romeo's father said.
"Well Montague, the recent events have kept me… wondering. You see, if our children died because of the war between us; then their dying was in vain."
"Are you suggesting a truce after all these decades of hatred towards each other?"
"Only if you are willing."
"Well, if only we had done this earlier, then maybe Juliet and Romeo may still be living."
"So let us shake!"
The men wiped the sweat off their grubby clammy hands onto their trousers, and shook hands firmly. This was THE END of the battle between the two families…
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&A/N:- WOW! I've finally cleared this all up into one long chapter, but I'm glad I did it, because the other one was absolutely CRAPPITY CRAP and full of tons of mistakes!
Well, if you've liked this then you'd probably enjoy my two other W.I.P s:
~The Apprentice Meets Doctor Who
~Five Times The Whoniverse Met Little Britain
I'd love it if you just took a couple of seconds to JABBY JABBY JAB JAB JAB, thatlittle review button down there. I'd love it muchio!
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