|The Battle of Want vs Loss
Author: raok PM
Bella is frustrated with Edward's seemingly sexual apathy. Words are exchanged and instead of getting everything she wanted, she loses it all. Can she regain what was lost and obtain what she has always wanted? Rated M for L-squared languages lemonsRated: Fiction M - English - Angst/Romance - Bella & Edward - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5,046 - Reviews: 35 - Favs: 34 - Follows: 37 - Updated: 07-03-10 - Published: 03-22-09 - id: 4940771
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: Unforunately, SMeyer still owns the characters. I'd like to think I own the smut but I probably dont.
A story redo. After rereading it I realized there were so many typo issues and timeline confusions that it'd be best to fix it and repost it from the beginning. So here we are start from page 1, chapter 1.
If you like it, review. If you don't review. I like feedback :)
I laid in my bed, hands under the covers, under the flannel sweats that I slept in. I pictured Edward hovering above me, my fingers replaced with his as he stroked me; just grazing my folds at first before pushing a finger deep inside me. I arched my back, moaning quietly as my eyes remained clamped shut. I slid a second finger inside of me and began rocking my hips to the pace of my fingers, of his fingers I thought to myself. I whimpered a bit more loudly as I hit a particularly sensitive spot and I felt myself getting incredibly wet.
I heard the window creak and my eyes flung open to find Edward landing quietly onto the hardwood flooring of my bedroom. He walked over to my bed, his eyes black and heavy. He stood at the end of my mattress, staring at me.
"What…" he began breathlessly, "are you doing…"
My cheeks flushed. How was I supposed to answer that? Oh, since you refuse to touch me below my neck, I had to take things into my own hands – literally. I pulled my hand out of my pants and wiped the wetness on my pj pants as best I could. I decided it was easier – and far less embarrassing – to answer his question, with my own.
"Why are you here? I thought you were hunting with Emmett?"
"I was. We got back about an hour ago, and I was on my way over to surprise you, when your scent nearly toppled me to the ground."
"I thought…" he exhaled slowly, staring down at his feet. " I thought you had found someone else to give you what I can't."
I was confused. Give me what he can't? Ohhh… Oh!
"Won't what?" He looked up at me, sadness filling his eyes.
I sat up and moved towards the foot of my bed where he stood, sitting up onto my knees.
"You thought that I had found someone else to do what you won't."
"Bella…" his voice trailed off sounding pained, as if this was actually a struggle.
Ha like it was actually a hardship for him to restrain from fucking my brains out. Pffft.
I stared at him, my eyes and voice surprisingly never shaking with the nervousness that ran through me. I guess we were having the conversation right now.
"Tell me Edward, when or rather if you let me become one of you, what will your excuse be then? You won't be able to hide your lack of attraction to me as easily once my weakness is no longer an issue. Or perhaps that is why you are pushing for me never to go through the change; so that you'll always have a safe, responsible, well-intentioned reason for not wanting me like that."
His eyes grew even darker and pierced right through mine; I could have sworn he growled.
"Is that what you think Bella; what you honestly think?" His voice was getting louder and for a moment I worried he would wake Charlie up. Thankfully he seemed to realize this too and took a deep breath before continuing, hissing more quietly through his teeth.
"You honestly think that I don't do any of this because I'm not attracted to you?" His raised voice was dripping with condescendence and I looked down, staring at my comforter as I nodded.
He clenched his teeth and I heard them grinding. I looked up just as he lunged at me, pinning me down with his lips on mine, as my back pressed firmly against the bed.
His kiss was unlike any other we had exchanged. This wasn't soft and careful. It was hard, passionate and slightly painful. I let out a whimper and he took advantage of my slightly parted lips to slide his tongue into my mouth and across my tongue. My hands snaked around to his back and under his shirt. I ran them up his back, relishing in his cool, hard skin.
His breath was cold and ragged against my skin as he placed kisses along my cheek and down my neck." Bella, don't ever think that I don't want this; that I don't want to bury myself in you every moment of every day and never leave. You do things to me; awaken senses in me that even as a vampire, I didn't realize I had. It is a constant struggle to not attack you in the hall, in my car, in our meadow; and I don't mean for your blood – although that is tempting enough on its own. I have to stop; I have to resist because I can't risk losing you simply for sexual gratification."
I turned my head and pressed my lips to his as firmly as I could from the odd angle. His lips moved against mine and we shifted our heads to be in line with our bodies. My hands moved from under his shirt to his chest, undoing his buttons quickly.
He pulled his lips away quickly, staring down at me. "Bella, I just explained-" I didn't let him finish. I pushed my lips back against his and moved my right hand up his cheek to his neck, cupping his jaw. I nipped at his lower lip. I needed him to not say no; to just let everything consume us.
My legs moved from under him to his sides and around his hips. I felt his hardness pressed against me and I lifted my hips to rub against him. He groaned into my mouth, his hips grinding back into mine. I could feel him battling. His lips would periodically try to leave mine, but only get as far as grazing my lower lip before pushing back against them forcefully. In those brief moments, I would gasp for air, swallowing as much as I could before being thrown back into the pillowy abyss known as Edward's perfect mouth.
I began unbuttoning his shirt hesitantly, fearing that he would once again stop me. One of his hands moved from its spot beside my head, down to the hem of my shirt. His fingers delicately slid under the thin fabric and across the bare skin of my stomach. I moaned into his mouth from the new sensation. Edward had never let us explore each other, even in this completely PG way before. Skin-to-skin had always been restricted to arms, neck and face. His hands roaming up my stomach was completely new and fuck if I never wanted to go back to the earlier days ever again; however, at the same time I feared he would pull away at a moment's notice. I was constantly fluctuating between feeling utter bliss at how he was touching me and letting me touch him and my body tensing in fear that he would stop this.
I finally reached the last button on his shirt and let myself take a real breath, as I slowly pulled my lips from him. My eyes never broke from his as I took a few gulps of and calmed my panting breath. I wanted to say something profound, sexy and romantic like he had whispered to me earlier, but eloquence wasn't my style, especially when he had me turned on like this. So in typical Bella fashion I blabbed out exactly what I was thinking. "Edward, please don't tell me you want to stop."
He too was panting, though unnecessarily and his face turned from primal lust to pained and worrisome. And just as I fear he pulled away, sitting up on his knees.
His eyes closed and his face pointed down as he shook his head. "Please Bella, don't make this situation more difficult; it's already gotten out of hand."
Out of hand? Out of fucking hand! You had only put your hand up to my bellybutton, and all I had done was take off your shirt and rub your back a little.
My fear turned to anger and frustration as I sat up, leaning against my headboard. "You may say you want me, Edward. You may say that this is all to protect me. But the way you are so easily able to end this just as we seem to be getting started shows that it is actually quite the contrary. You enjoy this – all of it. You are fucking sadistic and enjoy getting me worked up like this. Does it feed your fucking ego to see a girl get like this over you and then pull away, knowing you don't have nearly the same level of desire?" I was nearly yelling and begging the hot tears not to fall from my eyes. His eyes had shot up to mine and I stared directly into his; I didn't care if he saw my dark brown eyes glistening, he fucking deserved it. I saw him cringe before looking back down at the mattress.
We were both completely silence for a moment; me to make sure I hadn't woken Charlie and I suspected Edward was doing the same. But who even knew anymore.
"You're being ridiculous Bella, of course I want you. It's stupid to even consider thinking otherwise."
"So you're calling me stupid?"
He tugged at his hair, looking up at me once more. "No," his teeth clenched and he let out a breath. "What I'm saying is that the notion that I don't want you is stupid."
"Well I'm the one having the notion; therefore you are calling me stupid – just indirectly."
"For god sakes Bella, I am not calling you stupid. At worst I'm saying you're simply wrong for thinking I don't want you."
"I think you should leave Edward."
"What?" He looked at me blatantly shocked.
I sighed. "You say you don't want to hurt me; that the biggest reason you don't act on whatever urges you may or may not have is because you're afraid of hurting me – that you want to protect me. Well, you hurt me. Every fucking time you reject me, because it reinforces the fact that you are superior in every way and I should just thank my fucking stars that you even bother. I've had enough rejection for one night, and I don't want you here. So please, just go."
I stood and walked to my bedroom door when he grabbed my wrist. He was staring at me, and I couldn't decipher what he was feeling which was odd, because I had always been able to read his eyes so well. I shook my head, an irritated sounding "what?" breaking past my lips.
He looked at me pleadingly, as if he was willing me to understand. No, I would not understand this. Nearly a year and a half of this; of nothing but kissing and PG rated touching; which don't get me wrong has been amazing, but I needed more.
I held up my other hand, asking him silently to stop. "Edward, before I say something I know I will regret, please just go."
"No, say it. I need to know what you're thinking. It's so frustrating not knowing what you're thinking." He said, taking a step closer to me.
I snatched my wrist out of his grasp and leaned against the door. "I'm thinking that Rosalie was right from the beginning; you belong with someone like you, another vampire, and I belong with someone like Mike. That way you can get yours for an eternity, and I'll be with someone whom I won't ever worry about rejecting or denying me."
His eyes grew dark and he took another step closer to me, effectively pinning me against the door. My chest was heaving at his close proximity and I could smell him again. The faintest scent of mint and rain whiffed through my nose. His forehead rested against mine, and I closed my eyes, reveling in his scent.
"If that is what you want, then I will respect that. Rosalie may be a lot of things, but she is by far the most logical of the Cullen children. She's right; you do belong with a human, and not a monster like me." His head lowered to the side of my face as I felt his cool breath on me neck. "But I will love you for an eternity, and no one, no one will ever compare to you my Bella," he whispered placing a soft kiss just below my earlobe which sent a shiver down my spine. I opened my eyes to see him, to speak my apologies, but he was gone.
I had never considered the fact that vampires could have hearts. Aside from the obvious being dead thing, an entity that's primal desire was to kill humans didn't strike me as a creature that had a heart.
But as I walked slowly (a human's jog) back to the house, I realized that I must have had one all along without knowing: because it was completely torn.
She was driving me absolutely insane. After decades of reading about them, I had to admit that I had finally met my very own personal temptress. Bella consumed my every thought and even when I was with her I felt it wasn't enough. I knew she had hoped I would cave and give in to her, hell our teenage lust. But I couldn't; she was too important to me and I couldn't shake the feeling that I would hurt her if we were to consummate the relationship.
After all was said and done I wound up hurting her even more than I thought, but in a completely different way. Her ego was bruised, her heart was breaking just as much as mine; I could tell from the sound of how erratic it had been. How could she have thought that I could not want her? It was completely ludicrous to me, and when she had repeated it over and over again, I wasn't sure how to get through to her that it was not a lack of desire, but a potential lack of control that made me wary of progressing any further with her physically. If anything it wasn't lack of desire but that I had too much. I was terrified of losing control in how she would feel around me, all of her warm, soft skin pressed against all of mine, cold and hard.
And god… when she whispered what I already knew; reiterating Rosalie's words of how she would be better off with a human, I knew it was time to let her go.
She finally saw us as we were, a perfectly pure, untouched gift from the heavens and me, a monster condemned to immortality. All I had left, all I could do was murmur my never ending love against the warm column of her neck; a place my lips would never meet again, and walked away.
I made it home a couple of hours later, having stopped to hunt; not out of thirst but need to let out my anger that had built up within me.
I hated myself for not being strong enough to control myself. I knew that with her blood being as tempting as it was, feeling her warmth grip where only my hand had been it would be too much.
Just smelling her sex had nearly been my downfall.
The house was silent aside from the sound of the sewing machine in Esme's art room. As I made my ascent up the stairs and towards my bedroom I realized that Bella would never be in the space again; well, at least not in my room. I assumed she would still remain friends with everyone else, and maybe even Rosalie would be more forthcoming as an acquaintance since she was getting what she wanted.
I collapsed onto the cream chaise lounge and threw my arm over my eyes, seeing Bella and I's relationship flash before me, and wishing I had the ability to cry.
Because if there is no better time, no better reason it is when you have pushed your love to their limit and to the point where there is no more.
I would never hold Bella again. Or bury my face in her neck, inhaling the mouthwatering scent of her skin mixed with blood. I would never kiss her pouty, cherry-stained lips or feel her warmth beside me as she slept.
And despite knowing this was the best decision for her; the most responsible way for things to have ended; I couldn't help but be selfish and wish tonight had not happened.
This was the beginning of my suffering.
Living an eternity knowing I had the truest of loves, but lost it because I was a monster of the most despicable degree.