Author: aNdreaa PM
For Annie and her 19th birthday. So, apparently, Sakura is pregnant with Neji's babies. Sasuke does not approve one bit. SasuSaku. NejiTen. CRACK. OneShot. AU.Rated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Humor - Sakura H. & Sasuke U. - Words: 3,713 - Reviews: 47 - Favs: 204 - Follows: 12 - Published: 03-26-09 - Status: Complete - id: 4950375
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Remember that contest Annie (as in Epiff) had last year where she gave us prompts and words and we had to incorporate that into a crack-ish fic the flowed well?
I found the tiny bit I attempted to write…and laughed at my lameness. Thus, I embellished, edited, added about 3,000 words and giggled to myself in a geeky fashion.
So, Annie, for your birthday, I am entering the contest for crack.
I don't care if I'm a year late. This is for you. I love you more than sunshine. And so does Edward Elric.
by: Drizzle Shinecookies/aNdreaa
FOR ANNIE'S BIRTHDAY.
Abrupt silence hit the cafeteria and all heads turned toward the source of disturbance.
Uchiha Sasuke calmly slid the food off of his tray, tapped it twice on the table to clear it of extraneous crumbs, and then swung his arm forward.
Naruto didn't see it coming. The plastic tray made intense contact with his skull and he jerked forward right into the plate of spaghetti in front of him. No one at the table bothered to help him recover.
"You," Sasuke seethed as more onlookers stared, "are a moron."
"Agreed," Ino snapped, begrudgingly handing her fellow blonde friend a napkin as he shook tomato sauce from his eyebrows. "Of course she isn't pregnant! Would you get a clue?!"
"But you just said—" Naruto began, trying to justify himself.
"She said that I lost my babies," said a fourth voice. "Not that I was pregnant, you ignorant fool."
Sasuke, Naruto, and Ino flinched and then turned around slowly to meet a frying gaze that belonged none other than Haruno Sakura. Their friend. (They hoped, judging by the look on her face.)
"Wait," Naruto said, thinking, "so you DID lose your babies? You can't lose a baby at all unless you were pregnant in the first—"
Before he could finish the sentence, Sakura stomped forward, thrust her backpack into his stomach, and knocked him to the floor. In return, she took his seat next to Sasuke and Ino.
"My babies," she said, enunciating her words loudly for Naruto's ears, "As in my black stilettos, Naruto. NOT human babies."
Ino gave a dramatic sigh. "Those were your best Dolce ones too. SO gorgeous."
"Dolce ones?" Naruto asked, confused.
"Dolce & Gabbana," Sasuke supplied tonelessly. Hanging around two girls like Sakura and Ino would have made anyone a fashion guru- even an emotionless blob like Sasuke.
"I know!" Sakura cried, miserably. "I took them off this morning and left them in the student lounge when I got up to get my theory binder. Now they're gone. I had to switch to flats. Ugh."
"Check again," Ino said, getting up as the bell rang. "I'll go with you if you want."
"I'll do it later," Sakura said, dejected. "I have physics right now and I was already late yesterday."
"Ah, well we've got a free period," Ino said, stretching her arms. "Come on, Uchiha. And Naruto, get off the floor. Sakura's backpack is not that heavy."
"Hn," Sasuke muttered, slinging his bag over his shoulder. "I'm off."
Ino frowned, looking at the Uchiha's retreating back. Normally, he would have accompanied them back to the dorms. "What's up with him?"
Naruto rolled his eyes. "Oh, he's just jealous that Sakura's pregnant with someone else's babies."
"I am NOT PREGNANT."
Tenten pursed her lips, putting her chin in her hand. Hinata cocked her head, pushing aside the thick history textbook they were supposed to be studying from.
"What's the matter?"
Tenten balled her tongue up against her cheek. "What I say here doesn't leave this room, right?"
"Right," Hinata said, wondering what her friend was thinking.
"And you can not tell Naruto."
"I-I don't tell him everything!" Hinata gaped, her face reddening.
Tenten sighed, believing her friend. "I know, Hinata. Sorry, just teasing."
A beat passed.
"Well?" Hinata asked. Tenten blew a strand of brown hair from her face.
"Okay. Well…your cousin has the hots for me, I'm telling you."
Peals of laughter promptly followed- oddly, from Hinata herself who was clutching her stomach in pain…laughing pain.
"Hinata, shut up!" Tenten cried. It was her turn to blush. "I'm serious! He does! You know how I said my favorite animal was a butterfly? He caught eighteen of them and then released them into my room! EIGHTEEN. In my crappy-ass dorm that's the size of a port-o-potty! I mean, I like butterflies, but not when they're all in-your-face!"
Tenten snapped the last sentence and waved her hand in front of Hinata's eyes to emphasize her point.
"...butterflies technically aren't animals, Tenten," Hinata said, gently, pushing her friend's hand down.
"GAH! THAT'S NOT THE POINT," Tenten grumbled, scooping up her books. "Neji likes me, he's being really weird about it, and tell him that I want those stupid butterflies out of my room before dinner!"
"Well," Hinata said, "Do you like him?"
Tenten froze in her next step and her face became stony. "What?" she hissed.
Hinata was unfazed and she shrugged. "Do you like him?" she repeated.
"Dude, tell me it isn't true!"
Sasuke looked up, frowning. He had started the morning feeling normal then it'd worsened with the abundance of Sakura's pregnancy gossip.
And now. Inuzuka Kiba's presence was unwanted.
Sasuke was pissed. To the max.
"What?" he snapped. Kiba scoffed.
"You know what. Tell it to me straight- is Sakura pregnant? It's true, right?"
Sasuke rolled his eyes and shook his head, annoyed. Hell no it wasn't true. It wasn't like they he and Sakura were going out or anything, but Sasuke suddenly felt fiercely furious. College had left them hardly any time to fetch dinner let alone do…well, the nasty. Sakura? Pregnant? Yeah, right.
"Aw, man! IT IS! SAKURA'S A MOM!" Kiba hooted, announcing the completely untruthful news to entire lounge.
"Would you shut your piehole?" Sasuke demanded, standing. "She isn't!"
"Oh, how would you know?" Kiba sneered. "It's not like you're the father."
"Of course I'm not the WHAT?" Sasuke cried, whipping back to the dog boy.
"The father," Kiba deadpanned. "It's Neji, right?"
Sasuke nearly had a stroke. His breathing became raspy and his knees buckled. The sun was fading into a tunnel. Was that a light he saw?
"Snap out of it, man!" Kiba shrieked, slapping the Uchiha clean across the face and breaking his stupor. "Are you on something?"
"No. NO," Sasuke said, firmly. "I'm NOT."
And then, with a manly cry of aggravation, he ran out of the room.
"Are you sure you left them in the lounge?" Ino asked, searching the area. It was now lunch time and they were scouring the grounds for the missing babies. Shoes. Whatever.
"Positive. I was sitting right here!" Sakura gestured to a blue couch in the corner of the room. "I took them off because they were killing my feet."
"And you wore them anyway?"
"Beauty is pain," Sakura said simply.
Ino's eyes filled with loving tears. "I'm so proud of you."
"I learn from the best."
"Well, ask around," Ino said, walking toward a boy who was hunched over a book. "Maybe they've seen something."
"Good idea. Excuse me," Sakura said, politely tapping on the boy's shoulder. "Sorry to…bother…you?"
They both stopped and stared.
The boy was…blonde.
The boy…this boy was NARUTO!
"What?" Naruto asked, flummoxed at everyone's staring.
"You're…" Ino said, almost choking on her own spit. "…studying."
"In the lounge."
"Without being distracted."
"Will you stop making fun of me?" Naruto demanded.
"Since when do you wear glasses?" Sakura asked, amazed and disgusted at the same time.
Sure enough, the big wonky frames that were resting upon the bridge of Naruto's nose were definitely spectacles. They were the thick, brown round ones not uncommon with the stereotypical geek- complete with the safety cord that went around the back of his neck. No doubt he'd swiped the pair from a poor victim.
All in all, he looked exceptionally nerdy. Especially with that ridiculous jumpsuit he always wore that made him look like a prison convict.
"Since now," he said, defiantly. "I happen to think I look much more smarterer in them."
"Much more smarterer?" Sakura echoed. "Nice. Next time, try a grammar textbook and some Ginkgo Biloba Tablets."
Naruto frowned, dwelling on his grammar error.
"Why the sudden change?" Ino asked, perplexed. "I mean, this morning you were such a moronic—"
"I'M RESEARCHING," Naruto said defiantly.
"Researching what?" Sakura laughed and took the book from his hands. She dropped her jaw and gaped.
On the smooth page of the biology book was an image of a stomach.
A woman's stomach.
A baby in a woman's stomach.
And the…uh…fertilization process and all.
"I AM NOT PREGNANT!" Sakura roared, throwing the textbook to the side. It flew across the lounge and bounced off the nose of some poor boy who immediately fell to the ground writhing in agony.
"I was just looking at—"
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Sakura shrieked, unable to handle his stupidity. Everyone in the lounge stared as she fled the room.
Ino whacked Naruto in the back of the head and the geek glasses were knocked askew. "Nice going, dipwad."
Hinata sighed dramatically as she nursed her bruised shoulder- the very place where Tenten had punched her after she'd turned six shades of embarrassing red ("Tenten. Answer the question. Do you like Neji?"). Violence was always the way for Tenten to express her emotions.
They were in her room and sure enough, flocks of butterflies were annoying flapping through the air. It was heartless to bat them away but still. It was flustering having to look before you made any sudden movements.
"I didn't mean to do it that hard," Tenten mumbled, digging through her freezer. "Sorry."
"A simple question," Hinata said, shaking her head. "And you can't even answer it."
"Well, sorry!" Tenten said, blushing again. "Maybe I do and maybe I don't."
"Or maybe you do," Hinata hinted innocently. Tenten threw her a look.
"I don't have an ice pack," she said sourly. "But I do have a frozen pineapple."
Hinata blinked as the frozen, prickly fruit was held out to her. A butterfly landed on it before Tenten hissed.
"Why," Hinata began, "do you have a pineapple in your mini-freezer?"
"Shikamaru gave it to me a long time ago," Tenten shrugged. "Never got rid of it."
"Why did Shikamaru have a pineapple?"
"I don't know. Why is his hair so spiky?"
Hinata gingerly took the pineapple and awkwardly held it against her shoulder to cool.
"Uh," Tenten said, trying to sound nonchalant, "I'm not saying that I do because I don't but let's say, in this completely hypothetical situation, that I maybe do like him the tiniest bit…"
Hinata raised a skeptical eyebrow.
"…there are rumors going around that he's, you know."
Hinata narrowed her eyes, trying to think. "What?"
"NO! God, NO!" Tenten screamed. "I didn't mean that. Oh, God…is he?"
Hinata shrugged and quickly shook her head. "I don't know. You said you heard a rumor!"
"The rumor BEING that he's, like, the father of Sakura's fetus."
"Sakura isn't pregnant!" Hinata giggled. She stopped at Tenten's stony face. "Oh, wow, IS SHE?"
"That's what I want to know," Tenten hissed, grabbing the pineapple from the other girl's hands. She flung it across the room and it hit the wall and rolled pathetically onto the floor.
"We have to find out. Let's go."
"Look who has the hots for my cousin now."
The door of Sakura's dorm smacked open, rebounding off of the rubber doorstop and ricocheting slightly. Sasuke stood there, looking haughty and proud as usual.
"Ever heard of knocking?" Sakura grumbled, outraged at the sudden intrusion.
Sasuke ignored her. "Do you realize what rumors are going throughout campus?"
Sakura rolled her eyes and turned a glossy page in the magazine she was holding. "Kind of hard to miss seeing as I'm the object of those rumors' affections."
"I'm serious!" Sasuke shrieked, his voice cracking like a prepubescent boy. Sakura was unfazed.
"As am I."
Sasuke glared at his so-called friend. Walking over to her bedside, he wrenched the Vogue from her hands and tossed it over his shoulder.
"I was reading that!" Sakura protested, finally sitting up.
"People are saying that you are pregnant."
"So?!" Sakura said, fetching her magazine huffily.
"They are also saying that Neji is the father."
"So?!" came the annoyed reply.
Sasuke reached over, pulled the magazine away from her again, tossed it, and then folded his arms, staring down at her.
"Sakura," he growled.
"GEEZ," Sakura burst out in a clearly exasperated voice, "It's just a rumor! I AM NOT pregnant, Neji is NOT a father, he doesn't even LIKE me like that, I don't even like him like that, let alone know him that well, and as long as we BOTH know that, I honestly could care less. If Naruto hadn't been so stupid in thinking that my missing stilettos were human babies, we wouldn't be here!"
And with that, she pushed Sasuke backward, forcing him out the door.
The rumor did not clear up at all that afternoon and Naruto was unconsciously making things ten times worse.
After he'd recovered being insulted and hit by Ino and Sakura in the library, he proceeded to finish the book with great gusto and then checked out several VHS tapes on the matter as well. This did not go unnoticed by the other pupils and once they saw that Uzumaki Naruto, Sasuke's unofficial best friend, was watching pregnancy films, they gossiped like…like Gossip Girl. Like Penelope and Hazel and Nelly Yuki all smashed violently into one student body.
It was a scandal.
"What's Neji's favorite flower?" Tenten demanded. Kiba gave her the oddest look he could muster.
"Well, I don't know," he said sarcastically. "I'd say gardenias but Neji usually spends time in the rose garden so…"
"I'm serious, Inuzuka," Tenten whispered in a deadly manner. "I'm not playing games."
Kiba blinked. He was scared.
"Why are you asking this?" Hinata whispered questioningly.
"If anyone says Neji's favorite flower is a sakura, I'm dead," Tenten moaned.
"Of course. Neji's favorite flower is a sakura so that must mean they hooked up, are proud parents, and getting married."
"You and Kiba can just go start the I Love Sarcasm club later okay?" Tenten said bitterly. "Just help me!"
"So, what do you think? Really?" Tenten asked, going back to Kiba and the table of random boys. They were all in the lounge having just finished gaping at Naruto and his pregnancy knowledge.
"Azaleas," Sai supplied.
"Pansies." Chouji proceeded to crack up at his own joke.
"Probably the Hawaiian hibiscus," Shino said informatively. "The Hibiscus arnottianus. It's white with a red inside."
Everyone turned and looked at him.
"What? Can't a man be a horticulturalist?"
"Of…course," Kiba said tentatively.
"Naw, he's a tulip guy."
Then, a stone cold voice declared, "I actually prefer daisies."
Everyone whipped around to Neji who was practically breathing down Tenten's neck.
"Why are you discussing me and flowers?" was the question.
Tenten let out a awkward chuckle and put an arm around an alarmed Hinata who was next to her. "It was nice working with you," she said weakly.
Sakura huffed up and down the room, tearing through her Vogue like a madwoman. The nerve of him! He was such an ass. Sasuke knew her well enough to know that she'd never get pregnant before graduating! Duh!
Ino was wholeheartedly on her side.
"But dude," she said, "You need to chillax."
"And after two months, the fetus is beginning to show signs of growth in its—"
"WILL YOU TURN THAT OFF?" Sakura bellowed. Naruto, still in glasses, frowned as he scribbled notes down.
"Fascinating," he said genuinely. "Wow! Look how cute that fetus is!"
"It's off," the blonde boy said quickly and nervously, shutting off the TV.
"We need to do some major damage control," Ino said, assessing the situation rationally. "Sakura, you need to tell someone you're not pregnant and that will make a new rumor—"
"I can't start it! No one will believe me. I'm the victim!"
"Well we need SOMEONE to start it! I can't because I'm a total gossip. Sasuke and Neji are out of the question too- we need someone who's not part of the rumor at all."
The two girls blinked and then their gaze set upon the curious boy looking at them.
"What?" he said.
Fertilization experts always made good announcers.
"ATTENTION STUDENTS OF KONOHA U."
The bullhorn was a good idea.
It really was.
And having Naruto being the announcer was also a good idea.
But having him climb on top of the lunch tables and screaming was not.
"CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF…"
Ino winced at the loud screech. Everyone gathered at Naruto's feet and boisterous declaration.
"HARUNO SAKURA IS NOT PREGNANT. SHE IS NOT. I REPEAT. I AM AN EXPERT NOW ON THESE MATTERS AND SHE IS NOT PREGNANT. NOR DOES HYUGA NEJI PLAY ANY PART IN HER MADE-UP PREGNANCY. YOU SEE, THEY DID NOT ENGAGE, AS THIS REALLY CHARMING BIOLOGY BOOK SAID, IN SEXUAL INTERCOURSE AND THERE WAS NO FERTIZILATION OF ANY EGG INVOLVED—"
The crowd went berserk and promptly burst into a flurry of more gossiping.
"YEAH, YOU HEARD ME," Naruto barked at a throng of people. "She ain't pregnant, morons! SO GETCHA' DRAMA ELSEWHERE! IF THERE'S ANY HARUNO BABY TO BE BORN, WE'LL LET YOU KNOW. OH, AND THE FATHER'S MOST LIKELY TO BE THIS ASSHOLE NAMED SASU—"
Sakura seized the hem of his orange jacket and pulled very hard. The bullhorn went flying as Naruto fell off the cafeteria table and collided with a few chairs.
"Thanks," she said, smiling painfully. "The air is cleared. Sort of. But stop. you're embarrassing us."
The stilettos were in the Lost and Found under the supervision of Tsunade. Some idiot decided to be a good Samaritan and put the expensive shoes where the proper owner could claim them.
Sasuke wanted to surprise the owner.
Tsunade narrowed her eyes at him.
"They're YOURS, you say?"
"Yes," Sasuke said stiffly, knowing that was the only way he'd be able to walk out with them.
"What color are they?" Tsunade quizzed.
"Dolce and Gabbana," Sasuke said, his voice getting smaller and more pathetic. He looked very unhappy. Poor schmuck.
"You know it's really weird for a teenage boy to be claiming a pair of women's shoes?"
"What?!" Sasuke snapped. "A guy can't own a pair of t-strap size 7 patent leather Dolce's?!"
Tsunade gave it to him quick.
Tenten was ecstatic and she grabbed Hinata into a hug.
"THANK GOD," she screamed, not caring that Neji was not a foot away from her. "WOW. That would have been a sick relationship when I asked Neji ouuuut…"
She stopped when Hinata grinned at her.
"Er," Tenten said, trying to save face. It wasn't working. "I mean, psh, if I liked him. Which I so do not." She rolled her eyes and let out a series of, "Pshhhh."s.
Kiba was not amused. "Just make out with him already," he said in a rather vulgar fashion.
The door of Sakura's dorm smacked open, rebounding off of the rubber doorstop and ricocheting slightly. Sasuke stood there, looking haughty and proud as usual.
"We're having dinner together," Sasuke said dramatically.
Sakura stopped flipping through her Vogue. "We're doing what?"
"Dinner. You and me."
"…as a date?"
"You can't be serious."
"You're just doing this because of the rumors! I refuse to play a part in your sick little mind thoughts," Sakura snapped, trying to walk the other way. Sasuke grabbed her by the shoulders and stared at her furiously.
"Okay, maybe I am!" he said defensively. "I AM doing it because of the rumors but I don't care! Because I am not going to stand around while everyone is discussing you and Neji's baby shower, Hyuga fetuses, and wedding dresses! His inferior genes will never make their way into your life or our baby, got it?!"
Sakura's eyes were wide. "D-Did you just say, our baby?"
If there had been anyone else around, Sasuke would have immediately denied so and brushed it off as her hearing things.
But they were quite alone in her room.
So he grabbed her (again) and then gave her the most passionate kiss he'd ever given. He didn't have to try hard; all Uchihas were naturally good kissers but he did it extra well with a bit of French. Just excellent enough so that she'd never think of any stupid Neji babies.
"Why are you holding my stilettos?"
BAD CRACK BECAUSE IT'S NOT EVEN 100 PERCENT CRACK WHICH MAKES IT LAME. Sorry.
And I only saved like, a partial list or something but here were the prompts that were supposed to be used in the contest (of last year). I lost how many we were supposed to use, blah blah. Ha.
"Since when do you wear glasses?"
"Your [brother/sister/cousin/any family member] has the hots for me, I'm telling you."
"I actually prefer daisies."
"Yeah, you heard me."
"Ever heard of knocking?"
"Tell it to me straight- is Sakura pregnant?"
EVERYONE WISH ANNIE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY OR I'LL KILL YOU.