The title says it pretty much: STUFF THAT THE VOLTURI WOULD NEVER DO

Randomness + weird/impossible/crazy ideas + bad fanfiction + the Volturi = CHAOS (not Caius) Beware the EXTREME RANDOMNESS!

Disclaimer: I do not own. Except the crazy ideas and the insanity to even consider writing this.

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Heidi and Felix in the tower room feeding

Heidi: "What's wrong Felix?"

Felix only sighs. With a grave expression on his face, he looks down at the dead human at his feet, but refuses to touch it.

Heidi: "Aren't going to finish your meal? Because if you don't…"

She eyes the fresh body hungrily.

Felix: "… don't you empathize with your food sometimes? Like, it almost makes you regretful to take an innocent young life?"

Heidi: "… regretful?"

Heidi looks confused now.

Felix: "You know… like, sometimes I feel like a brute. Like a monster."

He turns around to look at her.

Heidi: "But…."

Felix: "Don't you sometimes feel like that too?"

Heidi takes a while to consider that.

Heidi: "Actually, no."

Felix: "No?"

Heidi: "No. We are what we are."

Felix: "And that would be?"

Heidi: "Carnivores."

Heidi's tone is serious, but there's a hint of a smile on her lips. Felix gives her a sour look.

Felix: "This is not funny! You are mocking my misery!"

His lower lip quivers and he has clenched his fists.

Heidi: "Oh please! Since when do you whine about our diet?"

She is getting angry. Felix is too. He throws his arms up in the air in a dramatic gesture.

Felix: "It's a question of deep philosophical interest! Are we truly evil or do our actions make us? Does free will exist? Is there a God or not?"

There is a moment of silence.

Heidi: "Look, are you going to eat that now or not?"

Felix glares at her.

Felix: "… Oh fine!"

They both start sucking the blood from the lifeless body.

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Felix, the philosophic eater.

Similarities to Edward Cullen's "la tua cantante conflict" are not entirely unintentional. It's all in good fun. ;)