Legacy Spoof

Disclaimer: Characters and settings belong to J.K. Rowling.

Story Notes: Themes are not for all readers.

Chapter 1: A New Year

1997

“So, it’s our last year, eh, Harry?”

“I know. It’s hard to believe. I mean, it was just last year that it was sixth year.”

“Yeah.” Ron sighed happily. “I am going to sleep with Hermione soon. She wanted to wait until she was eighteen.”

Harry stared at his friend. “You haven’t…” he looked around furtively, and hoped his dad was still in his lab. “…done that yet?”

“Believe me, Harry, I’ve tried. Hermione kicked me the last time I got too frisky. Couldn’t walk for three days!”

“Well, bloody hell, Ron. Maybe you’re not doing it right… I mean, when Ginny and I-”

“What?” Ron roared. “You had it off with my sister!” Before Harry had a chance to defend himself, Ron leapt at him, his fists flying.

“Ron!”

“I’ll kill you, you arse!”

They rolled around on the floor, fists connecting with various body parts, and blood was dribbling into Harry’s mouth.

“Harry!”

Ron and Harry froze. Severus towered over them. He was glaring his fiercest glare.

“What is the meaning of this, Harry James?” he demanded. “You’re getting blood all over your mother’s antique rug!”

“Er… sorry, Dad.” Harry rolled off his friend, who, by the way, felt surprisingly comfortable to lie on.

Severus switched his glare to Ron. “I will not have you harming my son. Get off the floor!”

Ron sat up, his glare almost matching Harry’s. “Well, he slept with Ginny!” he said, pointing an accusing finger at Harry. Severus’ lips slackened, and then they pressed together. Harry inched backwards. His dad’s eyes were like furious, hot, poker-like coals. He was mad!

“Did you perform the Contraceptive Charm?” Severus demanded.

“Of course I did!” Harry said indignantly. “Ginny helped! She held my-”

“You’re dead, Harry!”

Ron smashed into Severus as he made another flying leap at Harry. Severus sneered down at Ron.

“I believe if anyone is going to murder my son, it shall be me.”

Harry gulped.

Severus took Ron’s arm and forcibly propelled him out the door. The sound of the slamming door reverberated in Harry’s ears.

“Dad,” Harry squeaked as soon as Severus turned around, “You said it was all right, as long as we love each other…”

“I thought you would show some sense about it, Harry,” Severus said, sounding very disappointed; Harry hated it when his dad sounded like that! “Ginny is only sixteen, and you certainly should not be telling Ron about your indiscretions.”

“I was only trying to help with Hermione…” Harry trailed off as his dad began to look a little green.

“Regardless, Harry,” Severus chided, “you have acted in a most inappropriate way.”

“I know, Dad,” Harry said quietly. “I’m really sorry.”

Severus hugged Harry tightly to his chest. Harry sniffed a little, wondering why he was so emotional—the rollercoaster slash soap opera of his sixth year was well over by now. He didn’t cry at the drop of a hat any longer.

“Do not be ashamed to cry, Harry,” Severus said firmly. “Even men must sometimes indulge their emotions.”

Harry nodded thoughtfully.

“I can feel that you are worried about something, Harry,” Severus coaxed. “Did you have a question about your time with Ginny?”

Harry bit his lip nervously. “Well, not exactly. I mean, that was really fun. But what if…” Harry gestured helplessly, “…what if maybe I felt something when I was tussling with Ron?” His cheeks burned a deep and painful crimson.

He peeked up through his fringe to see if his dad was making a face of disgust. But Severus was simply smiling gently at him.

“It would not be so surprising,” he assured Harry. “I myself, often feel those special feelings when I tussle with Remus.”

Harry’s eyebrows shot upward faster than—well, really anything. He was that surprised.

“But Remus is married to Tonks! And they have a baby!”

Severus nodded. “Yes, Remus is married. But that does not mean we stopped our weekly visits. It was difficult, however, when Black was no longer around to participate with us. It was more enjoyable with three.”

Harry stared at his father, his emotions swirling and churning and cresting as high as waves in a stormy ocean.

“But what about Mum?” he cried. “I thought you loved her!”

Severus put a comforting hand on Harry’s shoulders. “I will always love your mother. But a man has needs.”

Harry didn’t know what to say. Or do. Or think.

“Do you tussle with women as well?” he asked cautiously. Severus glared at him.

“You do not ever tussle with a woman, Harry. Women are to be treated like china. They break easily—and in a Snape’s case… very easily.” He nodded at Harry, his eyebrows raised suggestively. “If you understand my meaning?”

Harry’s eyes bulged three times their normal size. “Yeah, I get it.”

Severus nodded approvingly. “Now, since it is so late, perhaps you had better go to bed.”

Harry didn’t protest.

“And unless Ginny would like lose twenty points from Gryffindor, she had best leave immediately.” Severus glared at the sofa. “Come out from under Harry’s cloak immediately.”

“Oh, damn,” a girl’s voice answered. The cloak was whipped off.

Severus spun around to face Harry. “Harry?!”

“Well,” Harry said sheepishly. “I didn’t say that Ginny and I were still together.”

“Don’t tell Ron, okay sir?”

Severus’ didn’t know what to say to the bushy-haired girl.

“I wouldn’t want him to know… he’s well… a bit inadequate… ”

A warm blush crawled up Severus’ neck and face. “That is entirely inappropriate,” he said severely, including both of them in his glare.

“Yes, sir, sorry sir,” Hermione said quickly as she slid off the couch. She looked uncertainly between Harry and Severus.

Harry glanced at his father. “Er… may we…?”

Severus waved him off impatiently. “Yes, yes, but for Merlin’s sake, make sure you cast the charm correctly!”

Harry gave his dad a thumbs up. “Don’t worry, Dad. I’ve had lots of practice.”

Severus sank onto the couch. This was going to be a long year.

He looked up in surprise as the Floo lit up. Remus smiled out at him; his eyes were darting back and forth.

“Is it all clear?” he asked quickly.

Well, Severus thought to himself as he nodded, at least Remus remembered it was Tuesday.