This is a series of emails and instant messages that House and Wilson send to one another, for the year following Amber's death. In this verse, Wilson never came back to PPTH. House went to rehab, joined AA and started psychotherapy, and Wilson went on a sabbatical to do some soul searching. The mutually decide they will spend one year apart, before they see each other again. During that time, they very slowly realize their feelings for one another, and the planned reunion takes on new meaning. There will be about 5 parts.

Basically, my inspiration for this came from the question -how much differently would these two communicate, if they did it all through writing. How much more carefully would they choose their words?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

It’s been six months since we spoke. But Cuddy gave me your email. Maybe you’ve already got me blocked and it will bounce back as SPAM. But I’m sending it anyway. I’m not sending it through snail mail, because I’m not sure how long it will take to get there, or if it will even make it, and I don’t want to wait. Yeah, I don’t have trust issues.

Here are some things you should know.

I have been in therapy since just after you left, twice a week, for an hour. He’s actually a marriage counselor, but he has a sub specialty in substance abuse. I spent the first two months creatively attempting to not disclose anything. He’s apparently too smart for that and has somehow managed to extrapolate plenty from all the things I wasn’t saying. He also bribes me with candy.

I haven’t have any alcohol in almost six months. I still can’t bring myself to attend any AA meetings. But I am technically a member. I’ve gone to a few of their events. I'm just not into the whole, getting up in front of a crowd and spilling my guts thing. I have a sponsor and am going through a twelve-step workbook with both she and my therapist.

I am gradually reducing my Vicodin in order to participate in an experimental nerve regeneration treatment that utilizes electrical impulses to increase the oxygen flow to the surrounding tissues. Combined with regular physical therapy, the goal will be to eventually use only Tramadol to manage the pain. It’s not going to eliminate the pain completely. I’ve finally realized that is just never going to happen. I’ve been going to PT once a week for about three months, using the Jacuzzi and stationary bike, and doing other exercise on the side. There's still pain. There's always going to be pain. But it's not intolerable.

On to the soul bearing crap. Dave (that’s my shrink) said that I would get the most positive result if I were just 100% honest. So while that generally isn’t the way I like to go, I’m going to trust someone else’s expertise for once. If you want to ignore or mock me, then that’s your choice. I’m not responsible for your reaction. I’m only responsible for my own words. Yeah, that’s a little trick they taught us in the 12 step program. It’s called disengagement.

Dave has decided that I have a borderline personality disorder. At first I was skeptical. But I spent a few hours with the DSM and he’s right. It makes sense, especially the contradictory neediness and aversion to intimacy, the need to control the outcome of everything, fear of abandonment while simultaneously pushing everyone away. Lucky me. There is no cure for this. The only treatment is antidepressants and a million more hours on Dave’s couch.

Without going into too much detail, because I’m still not ready to disclose some things, I'm going to try and explain the basics to you.

This is deliberately vague. But my dad did a lot of very bad things to me that I am just now beginning to officially "deal" with. He hurt me physically, verbally and emotionally, and even that feels like a massive understatement. My mom never did anything to stop him. She never intervened on my behalf, not even verbally. I think there were a lot of things that she just didn’t know about. But there were plenty that she did, enough that should have warranted more of a reaction that the one she gave.

I don’t remember either of my parents saying that they loved me. My mom would sometimes sign things love, Mom. But that’s different, I guess. She never said it really. He definitely didn't. I don’t think at this point, I would believe him anyway. Well he's actually dead now. So I won't be hearing it. He died a few months ago, from congestive heart failure. I didn't go to the funeral. My mom wasn't happy about that. But Dave said she had no right to expect me to, and that it might do me more harm than good. So that's what I told her. She must be over it, because she calls me every few weeks now. She actually calls me more, now that he's dead.

Anyway, I didn't really have a close relationship with any of my other relatives, and we moved so much when I was a kid. I didn't have that many long lasting friendships.

The first person to really say they "loved" me was this girl I met in my freshman year of college. I was eighteen and she was twenty. We dated for a few months and one night she said she loved me. I felt nothing at all. I wasn’t even sure what I was supposed to feel. I was attracted to her sexually. But as far as an emotional connection, there was none. I think that’s when I officially realized there was something wrong with me. I remember my room mate and his girlfriend were in love, like sickeningly in love, laying around and listening to Chicago type love. I remember thinking that maybe I was supposed to be feeling like that and that there was something wrong with me, because I couldn’t.

Looking back at my relationship with Stacy, I think that I was "in love" with her, in the traditional sense. But I don’t think that I loved her, or at least not as love is beginning to be defined for me, in the therapeutic setting. I think I liked the idea of having her and of her wanting me. But I’m not sure if that was love.

Then she came and brought Mark. I wanted her back, mostly for the sake of just having her. I felt like I’d won something, when I got her into bed again and almost got her to stay with me instead. But I realized that he really did love her and that it wouldn’t be fair to deny her that, or him for that matter. He's a decent guy. Dave says that my self-sacrifice actually qualifies as an expression of love. But I don’t think there was anything more to my decision than logic.

The first and last person I ever met that I can say in all honesty that I ever really loved, was you. It still is you, and will probably always be you. I have no idea what your reaction to that will be. The last time I tried to tell you that, you sort of laughed and didn’t respond, which led me to think maybe it was a mistake.

It's probably a mistake this time too. But Dave said I shouldn’t worry about it, that I should just tell you and that no matter how you respond, I can still reap the benefits of having expressed my feelings. I’m not really sure what he means by that exactly. I don’t feel better, telling you that. In fact, I feel worse, because you probably hate me, especially now. But I’m telling you because I’m doing that whole honesty thing.

Mostly I think I’m telling you so that you will understand why I felt the need to interfere in your attempts to have relationships with people other than me. The idea of sharing you was difficult for me. I thought that you could only care about one person at a time, which really sounds stupid now that I think about it. But Dave says that’s normal for someone with my background, whatever the hell that means. I just assumed that if there was someone else there for you to care about, it would be really easy to forget about me.

For the first few weeks after you left, I wasn’t doing very well. I drank a lot. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I called in sick for days and Cuddy just sort of let me. I think she thought maybe I just needed a bender to deal everything. I don’t know.

I took some pills and ended up having my stomach pumped. I’m sure you didn’t hear, because Chase came and took me to another hospital and admitted me under a fake name. I don't even know how he knew to stop by. But he did. He also made sure I got a psych referral and they wouldn’t let me go until someone had talked to me. Yeah, that was fun.

I was there for four days, detoxing from the alcohol, which is pretty much the most horrible thing I’ve ever experienced in my life, and that was with the phenobarbital to take the edge off. Chase was nice enough to keep it on the down low for me. He was the one who actually talked me into seeing the shrink, although I think the threat of spending the rest of my natural life in full body restraints definitely played a part. That whole week is sort of a blur that I'd much rather forget.

Anyway, getting to the point. I want to see you again. I want that more than I’ve probably ever wanted anything. Losing you is what brought me to this point, that I knew it was time to make a change. I don’t expect you to applaud me or congratulate me. But if an added perk of getting my shit together could be getting you back too, I could die a happy man.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

First of all, I want to say that I do applaud you, the effort you’ve made.

I honestly didn’t feel like reading your email when I got it. But I needed to and I’m glad I did.

Second, I want to say that I had no idea that your father mistreated you, or that your mother let it happen. I wish that was something you’d have felt you could have shared with me. I’m glad that you are able to tell these things to your therapist. I am seeing one as well, not just for grief, but for a number of other issues that I’ve swept under the rug over the past fifteen years.

Third, I'm sorry to hear about your dad dying. I know you didn't get along with him. But that doesn't mean you weren't affected by the loss.

I’m not sure if I’m ready to see you right now. I’m in a precarious place, therapeutically speaking. But my goal is to reach a point where I can see you again.

Maybe it wasn’t right, the manner in which I left. But I did what I needed to do. The best thing for both of us was for me to leave. What you’re telling me now only confirms this. I don’t think you could have done these things or taken these steps, if I were still there, enabling you.

The last thing I should tell you is that I do still consider you to be my friend. I’m sorry that I said what I said. I was angry and I was lost and I wanted to be able to walk away with some guarantee that you wouldn’t try to follow. Regardless of how it might seem, I don’t hate you. I do in fact, love you very much. I just can’t be around you right now.

I wouldn’t mind hearing from you again. Feel free to email me, to tell me how you are doing.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

Wow. Well, that’s not quite what I was expecting.

So you’re in therapy too.

That’s good, I guess. Everyone’s a little messed up apparently.

Dave predicted this would be your reaction, even the part about saying what you said, because you wanted to make sure I didn’t follow. So I guess he’s smarter than I thought.

Do you think it would be possible for us to speak on the phone?

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

House, I’m not ready to hear your voice right now. Just talking to you like this is very hard.

That’s not your fault. It’s mine. But if we do talk on the phone and things go sour, because I wasn’t ready, that’s not fair to you.

Give me more time and I promise we will see each other again.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

I don’t know what to say to that. I’m having a hard time believing you.

This feels more like a brush off to me.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

It's not a brush off. It's me, maintaining a necessary boundary.

Like I said, you can keep emailing me all you want, every day if you like. I will reply as often as I can, okay?

I want to hear from you. But right now, I need to keep it like this, where I can read and reply to your messages in my own timing.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

I went to party.

Like with other people and everything.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

A party? Was this work related?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

No, it was for AA. I think it was the first party I ever attended where there was no alcohol.

That’s what happens when you get a bunch of recovering alcoholics together.

They drink fifty pots of coffee and smoke an entire pack of cigarettes and stay up all night, romanticizing their testimonies.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

What’s your sponsor like? You haven’t said.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

My sponsor is a Mexican, 27 year old single mother of three who is the night manager at a McDonald's.

But she’s the right woman for the job.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

How so?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

I don't know. She just is. I messed up one night and called her to come get me.

And she showed up right away, even though it was like one-thirty.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

You messed up? You didn't mention it.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

I forgot, actually. It wasn't a huge deal.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

Did something specific happen, or was it just random?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

I don't even remember what it was. I think the patient did something to piss me off and then Foreman said something to piss me off and I just wanted a drink.

I didn't actually drink that much, like three shots and a beer. Because I detoxed, it only took a few drinks to make me sick, and oh my God, was I sick. I thought I was going to die. Never again.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

So you just called her and then what?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

I was in this bar, and she came in. She’s all of four ten, I think, and two inches of that is a wall of Aqua Net plastered bangs. But don’t let that fool you. I firmly believe she could kick my ass if she wanted.

She grabbed me by the earlobe, right in front of the bartender and said "I thought you were supposed to be some sort of genius."

I was having trouble remembering why that was, when I was trying not to throw up in the back of her minivan.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

That seems like something that would have bothered you before. The comment, I mean.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

My dad loved to say stuff like "if you’re so smart how come_________?" Yeah, that bothered me.

But she’s right. Intentionally consuming something that will damage my vital organs is sort of stupid, and I apparently need the night manager from McDonald's to tell me that.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

Wow, I'm impressed by the degree of your self awareness.

I seriously never expected to hear you say that, especially given your previous attitude about rehab.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

Whatever. It's not something I'm happy about.

But it's kind of pointless to deny the existence of the train, when you're tied to the tracks and it's coming at you.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

How old are her kids? Are they the same ones you said you babysat?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

I didn’t really "babysit" them.

There’s a three year old boy and then the older two are twin girls, aged ten.

I think the younger kid has a different dad, but I didn’t ask. They just look different enough that I would assume they are only half siblings. She must have still been in high school when she had them.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

I thought you said you'd watched them.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

I did, sort of.

Rosie dropped them off in the lobby, with Cuddy.

She says that public schools have staff development days to punish single parents.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

You did this for free? Or did you owe her a favor for something?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

She had to work during the day on short notice, and couldn't find anyone else.

I got two pans of tamales, which I shared with my team, because I'm so very generous.

(and because I didn't have a chance to hide them in time)

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

So they just stayed at the hospital all day?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

They hung out in my office all afternoon, doing their homework. The three year old hung out with Taub and Kutner, who took him to radiology and traumatized him, by letting him watch people being x-rayed.

I don’t think the girls realized that I spoke Spanish, because they were plotting to sneak out of my office and go spy on Chase. He’s come with me to Rosie’s a few times. She has AA parties at her house. They apparently think that he is muy macho.

What is it with him and pre-pubescent girls?

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

Chase has a very youthful appearance. Maybe that’s why he appeals to them?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

Not anymore. He has the House signature, five day beard. I think he grows it for Cameron.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

That is so wrong.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

You’re telling me. But it’s better than having her after me.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

Like you didn’t enjoy that.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

She’s cute and sexy and all that. But frankly, she scares me.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

How does she scare you?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

If we got together, I’d fully expect to wake up one morning and find doilies and teddy bears all over my apartment.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

That's normal. Women always take over the decor.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

I like my decor the way it is. I would have to make too many adjustments and there isn’t enough payoff.

Plus she’s like half my age. Chase is the same age. They match. They’re both blonde now, like a couple of Malibu Barbies.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

She dyed it a while ago. She kept it?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

It's a little darker than it was, maybe a shade or two.

I seriously think it's the same exact color that my mom uses.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

Your mom dyes her hair?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

Oh yeah. She's a brunette. Or she would be.

It's probably white by now. It hasn't been that dark since I was a kid.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

I don't know that many women your mom's age who still keep their hair long.

My mom is ten years younger than yours and even she has it short.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

Cuddy cut her hair short.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

How short? She told me she cut it, but she wouldn't say how short.

She sounded like she kind of regretted it.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

It's like a few inches above her shoulders.

I think the "do" makes her look older, but no way am I going to tell her that.

She's having some kind of midlife crisis.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

She's not too young for menopause.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

Fertility treatments postpone menopause, sometimes for up to ten years. It's not that.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

She said she'd given up on the baby thing.

She mentioned that her sister was having another kid.

Maybe that's why she's so sensitive.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

Don't know, and I'm not going to try too hard to find out.

When I see her coming, I hide. Because no matter what I say, she's going to end up screaming or crying.

Foreman made her cry the other day. Actually, that's a bad example. He makes everyone cry.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

LOL. What did Foreman say to her?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

She didn't want to approve a brain biopsy, which was actually medically necessary, and he made a remark about her not having practiced any real medicine in over a decade.

Then she told him to get the hell out of her office and consoled herself with a bag of Famous Amos.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

From the vending machines? Those are stale.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

They are. I don't think the vendors change them out that often.

I got a Crunch bar from there once and it was all chalky and gross.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

I hate chalky chocolate.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

Me too. When I was a kid, my mom used to buy Easter candy, when it went on sale, after the holiday.

Then she'd keep it for the next year, and it was nasty.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

That's disgusting.

Are you serious about Foreman making everyone cry?

Is he being more a jerk than usual?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

He's not really being a jerk.

His mom died a few months ago and he and his dad tried to get his brother out of prison, so he could visit her in the hospital, before she died. I guess the lawyers didn't get approval in time, or something. Big family drama.

He's just been kind of in a funk. It's not affecting his medical skills, per se. But his lack of a sense of humor is even more of a lack now, if that's even possible. I think I smile more than he does, which is pretty scary all by itself.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

You smile? I wish to see photographic evidence of this.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

I can take a picture with my cell phone.

The nurses think this is very amusing, and they call me "Doctor Happy" behind my back. It's just the pills.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

You're on pills? Which are you taking?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

I was taking Cymbalta. But I couldn't sleep. I was restless and twitchy.

So Dave switched me to Wellbutrin, and then he added the Abilify.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

I thought Abilify was an anti-psychotic.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

It's off label for depression. There's been commercials on TV. I'm surprised you haven't seen them.

I can't believe I'm taking a drug that was advertised on television.

Why were there never any commercials for Vicodin?

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

Opiates require no advertising. Neither do anesthesia or tranquilizers.

So the pills make you happy? I thought you said they made you hazy.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

They do. Sort of. It's not really hazy. More like easily amused.

I was laughing at America's Funniest Home Videos the other day.

Let's face it. Seeing someone fall while skiing or some kid accidentally kicking his dad in the nuts isn’t really funny.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

You say that like it's a bad thing. It's wrong for you to enjoy your life?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

No, it's just weird. I wake up and feel kind of good. I want to go to work. I want to do my job.

People say "hi" to me and I actually don't feel like telling them to fuck off.

Sometimes I even say "hi" back.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

That's awesome. But why is that weird?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

Because nothing's really changed. It's like I ordered soup and the waiter brought it and I didn't like it, so I asked for something else and then they brought me the same soup, but then I thought it was delicious.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

Something has changed. Your perspective has changed.

And lots of people's taste in food changes over time. I hated avocados when I was a kid, and now I love them.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

Did you just compare my life to an avocado?

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

Sorry. Did I offend you?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

No, I just think my life would be something in the meat group, like bacon.

Except I've always liked bacon, so that wouldn't fit the metaphor.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

My parents were Kosher.

I didn't have it, until I was married to my first wife.

Bonnie bought that turkey stuff.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

You don't think it's weird to look at something you've been looking at for 40 years and for it to suddenly seem different?

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

Weird? No. I think the word you're looking for is growth.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

Yeah that's what Dave said.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

Is that so horrible, that you're making progress?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

Horrible? No. It's just weird.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

Isn't that why you're in therapy to begin with?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

I didn't actually go, thinking that it might result in change.

I went because I was going to lose my job otherwise.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

Lose your job? What do you mean?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

I mean, when I overdosed, Cuddy found out.

She suspended me, until I agreed to see a shrink.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

You never mentioned that. I thought you said Chase talked you into it.

What about quitting drinking? Was that by choice?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

Quitting drinking was my idea, mostly.

Therapy was Chase's. He just used Cuddy as his muscle.

Does it matter why I'm doing it?

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

It matters, yeah.

If you're not doing it by choice, then you're not likely to get as much out of it.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

Hey, I'm showing up to my appointments. Doesn't that count for something?

Besides Cuddy only said I had to go for six months and I've already done that.

Technically, I'm going on my own now.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

Of course it counts for something.

So then you are going on your own. You're not being forced.

Why do you keep going?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

I don't know. It's not bad, really.

I go there, sit on Dave's couch and answer questions for an hour. It's fairly painless.

And I get a sucker.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

But you said you felt better, right? So you must be getting something out of it, besides candy.

Is being able to talk about things making you feel better?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

I think the drugs are what's making me feel better.

That and not being submerged in a perpetual bucket of whiskey.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

So if the therapy's not helping you, then why do you keep going?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

You think I should stop?

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

Hell no. I'm just trying to understand.

You don't do anything for no reason. You claim that you don't think you're getting anything out of it.

But you admitted that you're no longer obligated to keep going, and yet you still are.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

I don't know, Wilson.

I feel like you're trying to get a specific answer from me, and I honestly don't know what it is.

Just tell me what you want to hear.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

I think you're still going, because even though you don't believe it will help, deep down, you're hoping it will.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

Yeah, I guess. That's pretty stupid, right?

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

It's not stupid. You have hope.

You don't realize how huge that is?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

I don't think of it as hope, so much as desperation.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

That's what hope is, House. It's being desperate enough to place your life in someone else's hands.

It's realizing you have no choice but to believe that things can get better, because the alternative is giving up.

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

The alternative is death.

DRJWILSON to GHOUSEMAN

Which equates to giving up on life. Have you given up on life?

GHOUSEMAN to DRJWILSON

Not yet.