Title: A Madman's Mercy (Ch 5)

Authors: Amethyst Jackson and Jacyevans

Rating: M/NC-17

Category: Angst, Drama

Pairing: Edward/Bella

Summary: New Moon AU - After leaving Bella, Edward gradually loses control of his ability. When he is led to believe that she is dead, Edward cracks, leaving Bella as the only one who can pick up the pieces.

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer. We're just playing in her sandbox.

I forced my face into a calm expression as I turned around. "Yes, Edward?"

"You're sad," he said softly, moving too fast to stand before me that I hadn't even seen him get up. "You were crying on the boat, and you're sad now. What's the matter, Bella?"

"Nothing important," I lied. "I'm fine. You, on the other hand, are not fine, and that's why we're here," I said, changing the subject.

Edward frowned down at me. "But I don't want to get better."

Great, just what I needed - an uncooperative patient. "Why not, Edward? You can't go on unable to control the thoughts you're hearing forever. You'll be miserable."

"It's quiet here," he said, eyes pleading with me...but for what? "If I get better, you'll go away...I don't want you to go away."

Damn it, why did he have to say things like that? Once he was thinking clearly again, he would be saying something else, and it would hurt all the more. "Why do you think I'll go away, Edward?"

"Because you're not real," he said, his voice low and strained. "She told me you were dead."

I gaped. He thought I was still dead? "No, Edward, I'm alive." I grabbed his hand and held it to my chest. "Can't you feel my heart beating? Don't you feel how warm I am? I'm alive."

Edward shook his head, unconvinced. "It's just my imagination; I'm seeing things and feeling things that aren't real, but I don't want to stop...not if it's the only way..."

"Edward, hush," I murmured as soothingly as I could. "I won't go anywhere unless you want me to."

"Promise me," he begged, stepping even closer, close enough that our bodies brushed against one another. "Promise me you won't leave me."

"I promise," I said, trapped by the force of his eyes. "I won't leave, not until you ask me to."

Edward stared at me for a moment longer; then, he shuddered and nodded his head slowly. "Okay," he whispered, though I wasn't sure he was entirely convinced.

I smiled at him encouragingly. "Okay." My stomach growled, reminding me that at least one of us needed to eat tonight. I'd been too anxious to force down the terrible plane food, despite Alice's attempts to coax me, and it had been a long time since Esme's eggs and bacon.

I took a step backwards and reached behind me, closing the front door. "I have to go make myself dinner," I said, heading towards the kitchen. Edward followed and sat down in one of the kitchen chairs, folding his hands on the table. I tried to ignore the way his eyes followed my every movement across the room as I checked out the cupboards and the fridge. I frowned, realizing Alice had only bought enough food for about a week. I wondered if she'd done that on purpose, so she would have an excuse to come visit and see how things were going with Edward - maybe even test the waters a bit when it came to progress with his power. I would have to call her and find out.

Speaking of phone calls... I chose something easy - a can of soup I emptied into a pot and placed on the stove. I pulled out my phone and turned to Edward. "I need to go call Charlie," I hated having to spell out my every move to him, but I didn't have much choice - I knew he would follow me otherwise. "Will you wait here for me?"

Edward was hesitant to answer, but eventually, he nodded.

"I'll be right back," I told him over my shoulder as I hastily made my way to the bedroom, already dialing Charlie's number. I made the call as short as possible, letting Charlie know that I was okay and dealing with things. I told him I'd keep calling, and not to worry about me. Charlie still didn't seem completely convinced that I was in Jacksonville, but he didn't question me. He only asked that I come home as soon as I could.

"I will, I promise," I said, choking up. I wanted to get off of the phone before I started crying in earnest - I'd done enough of that today. "I'm sorry, Dad, I have to go. I'll talk to you soon."

"Yeah," his gruff tone told me I wasn't the only one having a hard time dealing with my abrupt departure, and again, I felt guilty. "Bye, Bells."

I hung up the phone, taking a few deep breaths to compose myself before I went back out to the kitchen. I didn't want Edward to see me upset yet again.

Edward was drumming his fingers on the table nervously as I entered the room. His entire face lit up when he spotted me. "Hi," he said, his lips turning up into that familiar crooked smile I loved so much. My chest ached to see it.

I reached deep down inside myself to find the strength to smile back. "Hi."

"Your food was burning," he said, his smile slipping a bit. "I think I turned it off."

"Gah!" I rushed to the stove, to find that yes, Edward had saved us by turning off the stove and not allowing the house to burn down, but he'd not been in time to save my dinner. What had once been soup was now congealed, brown sludge. I sighed, throwing the pot in the sink and running it under water, then reaching in the cabinet for the nearest cereal box and a bowl. At least cereal was easy. And I wouldn't be able to send the house down in flames.

When I sat down at the table with my milk-doused cereal, Edward was scowling at me.

"What?" I asked, confused again. I didn't understand his moods anymore. ...Okay, I'd never really understood his moods, but at least his explanations had made sense before.

"You need to eat more than cereal, Bella," he chided.

I sighed. I really didn't want to cook anything. "I'm the human, Edward. I know how to feed myself."

He tutted at me like an old hen before flitting to the fridge.

"How does chicken sound?" he asked, pulling out a package. He didn't wait for me to answer before he started pulling out other things, too quickly for me to see.

"Edward, really, you don't have to cook for me," I sighed, shaking my head.

He stopped in his dash around the kitchen to stare intently at me. "But I need to take care of you, Bella."

I swallowed heavily, uncomfortably. "Why?"

"Because it was the one thing I tried to do, and I failed you, Bella," he said, rushing through the words. "It was all I was ever supposed to do, and now you're - now you're -"

"Edward..." I began carefully, "I told you before, I'm fine. I'm alive and well. I understand that you feel guilty about what you think happened to me, but nothing did happen, and even so, it...it wouldn't be your fault."

His face was the picture of agony. "It is...it is my fault. It's all my fault."

I could tell I wasn't going to convince him of anything tonight. I wanted to yell and scream at him, or pull him into my arms and kiss him like I used to, but neither of those things were possible right now.

I stood up and slowly approached him. Then, gauging his reaction, I slowly wrapped my arms around his waist.

Edward clung to me and he buried his face in my hair. "See, Edward?" I murmured. "I'm right here."

"Stay," he whispered, and I sighed. I was suddenly exhausted, emotionally and physically, and I didn't want to eat anything. I wanted to go to bed, but I knew Edward wouldn't let me get away with not eating in the mood he was in.

"I'm not going anywhere," I told him gently. He held me a few moments longer, and then moved back to the stove to cook for me in silence. I ran a hand through my hair and dropped back into my chair. If his reaction to me eating cereal was an indicator for what his mood would be like for the remainder of our time here...

It was going to be a long two weeks.

Edward loaded me with more food that night than I'd normally eat in a day, but I was too tired to argue with him about it, and he was a wonderful cook, as cosmically unfair as that was, so it wasn't really a hardship.

With the food in my stomach adding a heavy feeling to my exhaustion, I could barely change into my pajamas and brush my teeth before I fell into bed. Edward, of course, was right there waiting. He started humming to me again and playing with my hair, and that kept me awake a little longer than I should have been. Still, the sound was soothing, in spite of the pain it laced through my heart, and soon I was fast asleep.

I dreamed I was on the island, but the house and the dock were gone, and I couldn't find Edward. The white sandy beach was beautiful, but the tropical forest seemed to encroach closer and closer upon me, and I knew no one was coming for me...

I woke in the morning, unsettled by my dream and still more tired than I should have been. A groggy glance at the clock told me it'd been about ten hours of sleep. I shifted my attention away from that and realized there was something heavy across my torso. I twisted around under the comforter to get a better look, and I realized that it was an arm. Edward's arm. He had wrapped himself around me in my sleep like he'd used to do.

I turned fully to see his face. He smiled serenely at me.

"Good morning, Bella," he said softly, studying my face like it held all the secrets of the universe. "Did you sleep well? You talked a lot last night. You sounded scared."

"It was just a bad dream," I said, still very much aware of his arm around me and the close proximity of his body. "I slept fine."

He was still looking at me, and I knew this situation needed to be remedied. I wriggled out of his grasp and got out of the bed.

"I should take a shower," I said, and it was true. Yesterday's grime, increased from the traveling, felt thick on my skin. "Maybe you should freshen up, too. You know, change your clothes and all," I added. His clothes were extremely wrinkled, and while I didn't know how vampire hygiene worked, exactly, I didn't think days old clothes would be comfortably on anybody.

"Okay," he agreed, sitting up in one of his too-fast movements. He no longer bothered to conceal his true nature around me, and it was strange to experience.

I took a set of clothes out of the drawer - Alice had somehow, in her whirlwind unpacking spree, matched up outfits for every day I would be here - and grabbed my toiletry bag. "I'll see you in a little bit, all right?"

Edward nodded his acquiescence, though he looked lost as a small child as I shut the bathroom door behind me.

I sagged against the closed door and closed my eyes. Edward seemed to be getting more comfortable with me, which was only going to make things harder on both of us when we were apart again. But if being near to me was helping him, I wouldn't push him away - no matter how much my chest ached every time he touched me.

Throwing my clothes from the previous day into the corner hamper with gusto, I hopped into the shower. The hot water was soothing, relaxing all of my tense muscles and washing away three day's worth of dirt. By the time I turned off the water and got dressed, I was feeling lighter and ready to face the day.

Edward wasn't in the bedroom when I opened the door. I frowned, peering about the room, wondering where he could have gotten off to. I knew he wouldn't have wandered far from me. Then, the smell of bacon wafted past my nose, and my mouth watered, my stomach instantly grumbling in response. I hadn't realized I was hungry until then.

My feet carried me into the kitchen on their own, where Edward was busy preparing a feast fit for a small army, never mind one human girl. "I am never going to eat all of that," I told him with a smile.

Edward turned, and the way his face lit up at the sight of me could have rivaled the sun. My breath hitched, but I was determined not to let him see me as an emotional wreck. "I know. I just didn't want you trying to eat cereal again."

I rolled my eyes, but his smile was fading. I went to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong?"

He moved my hand to his cheek, holding it there, and sighed. "I needed something to keep me busy. While you were gone."

"Well, I'm here now," I said, trying to keep with the cheerful mood I'd found earlier. "So you can watch me stuff my face, I guess."

He grinned and turned back to the food, putting together a heaping plate. "I've always liked watching you eat."

"I'll never understand why." I could see how eating could be sensual - on beautiful girls with beautiful mouths and less than six percent body fat. I was pretty sure I just looked like a pig.

Edward placed the plate at the table, where a glass of orange juice, silverware, and a neatly folded napkin were already waiting.

"Sit," he said, pulling out the chair. I wanted to remind him that I wasn't a dog, but thought better of it and complied.

I ate, and he did watch, riveted. I paused midway through the meal and met his eyes. "Really, Edward, what is so fascinating about this?"

"It's the expressions you make," he said with a wistful smile. "When you're enjoying your food, or even when you dislike something. Your reactions are so clear. And the way your mouth moves is cute."

I shook my head. "No one else has ever found my eating remotely interesting."

"Clearly, no one has ever been as interested in you as I am," he smiled.

I didn't know what to make of that, and I wasn't sure my heart could take any closer inspection, so I did what I did best these days - I changed the subject.

"What do you want to do today?" I asked. "Being on this island won't do either of us any good if we just sit around all day, I imagine."

"I'd like to go outside," Edward said tentatively, as if I would refuse him. "It's nice to be in the sunlight."

"Of course," I agreed. "Maybe we could swim a little. The water looks beautiful." I placed my empty plate in the sink and frowned at all of the dirty pots and pans around the kitchen. This was going to take forever to clean up. I was sure Edward had used almost every pot in the pantry.

Edward followed my gaze and sensed the cause of my displeasure. "You go get changed. I'll clean up."

I knew he wasn't only offering to be helpful - it was another distraction to keep him busy while I was away. I decided not to bring this up though, and smiled gratefully. "Thanks. I'll be quick." To prove my point, I hurried to the bedroom and searched through the drawers, wondering if Alice had thought to pack my bathing suit. I was horrified by what I found.

Yes, Alice had thought to pack a bathing suit, but it certainly wasn't mine. Mine was a simple, black one piece that covered most of what needed to be covered and still left me feeling uncomfortable. This would do no such thing. It was a modest, two piece bikini, white with black polka dots, probably designer and ridiculously expensive, that made me blush just looking at it. I was going to kill Alice when she showed up.

I don't know why I continued digging through the drawers - I knew my bathing suit wasn't going to be there. Sighing, I walked into the bathroom, resigning myself to the infernal contraption. I could barely look at myself in the mirror, but I forced my eyes to stay put and take in the image. I looked ridiculous in this thing. My legs were too short, my stomach just a little less than flat, my chest just a little more than flat... I sighed. What had Edward ever seen in me? My stomach clenched as I wondered if he'd asked himself the same question.

I found shorts and a tank top in the drawers - Alice had clearly augmented my wardrobe, because I hadn't packed for warm weather at all - and put them on over the bikini. I knew it was an effort in vain, that I would have to take them off to get in the water, but I couldn't walk back into the kitchen in just the bikini. Not when I knew how intently Edward would be looking at me.

The kitchen was practically sparkling when I returned. Edward had cleaned up at vampire speed, and with an astonishing thoroughness. He was leaning against the counter, fidgeting, until he saw me. Thankfully, he made no comment about my attire.

"Your turn to change," I told him.

"I'll be one second," he smiled. I thought that was a figure of speech, but he was back one literal second later, wearing knee-length navy blue swim trunks and nothing else. I swallowed heavily at the inevitable sight of his perfection. Of course, he hadn't changed at all, and of course, I wanted him as badly as ever...and of course, I was still nowhere near worthy of standing next to his beauty.

"Ready to go?" He smiled, unaware of the turn my thoughts had taken.

"Sure," I said with false enthusiasm. Edward promptly took my hand and towed me outside, moving more quickly than I was really prepared for. I had hoped for a little more time to brace myself for exposure, but Edward had other ideas.

Outside, I took in the beauty of the island for the first time. I'd been too upset yesterday to appreciate it properly. Lush forest and foliage led to a pristine white beach, which in turn led to the clearest blue waters I'd ever seen. And outshining all of that was Edward with his skin glittering in the bright sunlight.

I held my breath as Edward let go of my hand and slowly walked into the water. His skin against the ocean was almost painful in its beauty. I stood mutely on the shoreline, simply watching him for a while. Edward turned to me when he was waist deep in the water and held out his hand.

I resolved myself to embarrassment and shed my shorts and my tank top with a sigh, then immersed myself in the water as quickly as possible so Edward couldn't see what I looked like. The water where he was wading was a bit deeper than I thought. I couldn't simply stand; I had to kick my legs to stay afloat. Edward watched my every movement carefully, eyes wide. He gazed at me intensely, so much that I blushed as I reached him and took his hand in mine.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I mumbled, irritated. I knew I looked terrible, and now I probably resembled a drowned rat on top of that, but he didn't have to stare at me like that to reinforce the idea.

Edward brushed my hair behind my ear, and then kept his hand against my face. "You're beautiful, Bella. I always want to look at you." My blush deepened. He sighed dejectedly, his hand dropping from my face, "I'm sorry I lost you."

I grasped his arm gently. "Edward..." I wasn't sure what to say. I couldn't convince him I was still here, in the flesh and not a ghost with words. He wouldn't believe me.

I raised my hand to his cheek, and he closed his eyes, leaning into the touch. I realized, suddenly, that this was the key. This was the piece of the puzzle I was missing. Talking to Edward wasn't going to help him - not completely. I could tell him from here to next Tuesday that I forgave him, that I was alive and well and not going anywhere. He wouldn't believe me until I showed him.

"Edward, open your eyes," I whispered.

Edward followed my request, and I took a deep breath for courage. I placed a hand on his shoulder, slowly leaned closer to him, and pressed my lips to his.

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