Title: Mirage

Artist/Author: KivaEmber and Tropicalna

Character(s)/Pairing(s): Near everyone is involved, multiple pairings too, whoot.

Rating: M for later chapters

Disclaimer: The Bleach Cast belongs to Tite Kubo, not Tropicalna or KivaEmber. The plot, setting, and ideas belong to Tropicalna and KivaEmber.

Summary: Shirosaki thought he had finally escaped his life of crime when he met Ichigo, but when Aizen Sousuke makes his move, he finds everyone he knows being caught up in the storm of lies and mirages. Alternate Universe, Multiple pairings, Yaoi, Character Deaths

A/N: Weeeelllllll……this actually started as a crack RP. But then Tropi came up with a kickass plot, and, well, this is the result. A Collab Chapter fic between Tropicalna and KivaEmber.

I stayed up until five in the morning for a week straight hashing the details of the plot out with Tropi (or more correctly, Tropi thought of the plot, and I went along for the ride). Just so you know how much effort we put into this and that this will be completed. Because Tropi will eat me if I don’t help to finish this. Like srsly.

(We’ve written most of it out anyway…in script form.)

Anyway, here is the first chapter. A combined effort of me and Tropi. She wrote most of the chapter, and I made edits and wrote the last few paragraphs! Enjoy!

X.x.X

Chapter One – Into the Cooking Pot

X.x.X

In the Illusory Restaurant, Hiyori tapped her foot impatiently on the tile floor of her kitchen, her face set in its usual scowl as she scanned the kitchens. “They’re late.” She snarled. Her light blonde hair was up in pig tails, and somehow managing to stay on was the head chef cap.

“I’m sure they’ll be here soon.” Said the much taller man beside her, blonde hair hovering just above shoulder-length. “They always come in a little late.”

“Shut up, Shinji!” Hiyori snapped at him. “What the hell is it they’re always doing that always makes them late anyways!?”

Shinji opened his mouth to answer, but was interrupted by the door to the kitchen bursting open. Tumbling through the open door, almost two identical people practically tripped onto the floor; one albino and other with vibrant orange hair.

The albino one recovered first, sweeping an arm out and pointing rather over-dramatically at the scowling redhead. “It’s Ichi’s fault we’re late!”

“Whatever!” Ichigo growled. “You were the one who was just lounging around while I gathered our clothes, Shiro!”

Shiro snorted obnoxiously, crossing his arms and looking quite snobbish. "Ya should've gathered 'em faster!"

“Shut it!” Hiyori shouted over the noise. “I don’t care who’s fault it was!” The two ignored her however, continuing to bicker. The short woman did not take kindly to this and slipped off one of her flip flops, preparing to smack them both. “I said shut the fuck up!”

Shiro glanced at Hiyori then glanced at Ichigo with a wolfish grin. “Sure, we’ll be quiet, eh, Ichi?”

Ichigo scowled at his lover, a pink tinge spreading rapidly across his cheeks as he caught the innuendo. “Can’t you wait until after we’re done with work?”

Shiro blinked at Ichigo, giving a roguish grin. “Bu’ ya know I can’t resist ya.” He purred, reaching out to grope Ichigo – only to have a sandal suddenly smacked him away.

“No! No groping your boyfriend until you accomplish something!” Hiyori scolded. “I’m not paying you to fucking stand around and molest each other! Now go wash your hands and get to work! Ukitake needs some help making the dough for our pies for tonight.”

“Aye, aye, angry midget!” Shiro mock saluted to her before walking off to the sinks, followed closely by Ichigo who was still flushed with embarrassment.

“You shouldn’t threaten your workers, you know.” Shinji sighed exasperatedly.

The pigtailed woman glared up at him. “And what are you going to do about it, dickhead?”

Shinji smiled nervously. “Nothing….”

“Damn straight.”

X.x.X

Shiro and Ichigo found Ukitake humming contently as he rolled out some pie dough, putting his entire weight onto the rolling pin as he moved it back and forth.

“Oi! Ukitake, havin’ fun?” Shiro called out to the white haired man.

Ukitake glanced up and smiled at the two. “Oh, Shirosaki-san, Kurosaki-san! Hello!”

“Hullo Ukitake.” Ichigo greeted as he reached for some flour. “How are you?”

“I’m just fine.” Ukitake said flipping over the soon-to-be pie crust. “I find the smell of fresh dough baking to be very relaxing.” Even as he said it though, Ukitake glanced over to where one Hitsugaya Toshiro was chopping meat.

“Ehehehe….. ya can't hide it from me, Ukitake!” Shiro wrapped an arm around Ukitake’s shoulders in a conspiring manner, a hand over his chest, and his voice gasping out theatrically. “Ya still pinin' fer ya beloved crush's firm lips," he swept his hand out dramatically, voice rising, "his pale warm body t' move against ya, rubbin' and jerkin' in th' throes of passion!”

Ukitake stiffened. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Shiro opened his mouth to say more, a wicked grin curling his lips, only to give a yelp as something hard smashed into his cheek. "Ow!" His golden brown eyes flickered to his lover, seeing Ichigo retract his fist, and quickly donned a hurt expression. "Hey, Ichi, no need t' get jealous..." He whined piteously, rubbing his sore cheek with a sniffle.

“I’m not jealous,” Ichigo snapped, frowning sharply. “I’m pissed because you’re making Ukitake uncomfortable. Leave him alone about it, will you?”

“Ah, no!” Ukitake said quickly. “Shirosaki isn’t bothering me!”

“There, see?” Shiro folded his arms, nodding to himself. “I’m jus’ tryin’ ta help him!”

Ichigo sighed. “Well, it’s not working. Now go wash your hands again.”

Shiro pouted. “Fiiine.”

X.x.X

An hour later found Ichigo and Shiro playing footsies with each other while rolling out their own pie crusts. Ukitake, standing nearby, watched them with an amused expression.

“Ichi~” Shiro giggled when the redhead’s foot brushed against a sensitive patch on his ankle. “That tickles!”

“No it doesn’t!” Ichigo smirked maliciously. “It’s supposed to hurt!” He abruptly smashed his heel down onto Shiro’s toes, grinding down for extra measure, causing the albino to give a pained yelp and jerk his foot away.

“Ah! Yer so mean t’ me, Ichi!” Shiro lightly kicked Ichigo’s shin, pouting. The orange-haired man only laughed.

Without warning Hiyori was behind them, trusty sandal in her hand. She smacked the back of Shiro’s head with it. “Get back to work!” She snapped. “You too, Strawberry!” Glancing at Ukitake, she nodded in satisfaction. “Good work Ukitake, you keep these slackers in line.”

Ukitake nodded. “Of course, Hiyori-san.”

“Tch.” Shiro scowled. “But he keeps lookin’ at Toshiro….”

Hiyori paused and smiled sweetly at Shiro. “What was that? I’m afraid I didn’t hear you.”

The albino stiffened. “Eh, I said nothing! Ahahaha…..”

The smile on Hiyori’s face disappeared quickly. “Damn straight.” Walking off she called to Shinji, “Come on, dickhead….I SAID ALL FOURS!”

Shinji sighed and obediently got to his hands and knees, crawling after Hiyori.

“Ya know, I feel sorry fer Shinji.” Shiro commented. Ichigo nodded in agreement as the other carried on, “Poor Shinji….t’ be her bitch fer all eternity.”

“He deserves it after what he did.” Ichigo pointed out simply.

Shiro shrugged. “Yeah, bu’ bein’ enslaved to an angry midget fer th’ rest o’ yer life seems pretty harsh.” He paused, then added, “It’s pretty hilarious though.”

Ichigo snorted. “I knew you were going to say something like that.” Glancing at where Hiyori was abusing yet another cook, he sighed and reached for another clean bowl. “We better get back to work before Hiyori decides to come back and smack us with that sandal….or force us onto her exercise machine.”

Shiro shuddered. “Ugh, I hate that thing.” Ichigo merely nodded again.

X.x.X

Toshiro did not know what he had done to deserve to have Gin hanging off of him, but sorely wished whatever it was, he hadn’t done it. Gin was invading his personal bubble, arm wrapped around his shoulders like they were old buddies (which they most definitely were not), and his cheek pressed against his intimately. Toshiro fought the urge to shudder as nausea writhed in his gut.

“Hellooooo Toshiro-kun!” Gin chirped cheerfully in his ear, that creepy smile on his face as always.

Forcing politeness, Toshiro grounded out; “Hello Gin.”

Noticing Toshiro’s discomfort, Gin’s smile grew wider. “Aww….you still mad at me for bein’ in cahoots with the one that almost killed your sis?”

Toshiro twitched and glared at the grey haired man from the corner of his eye. “Gin, I have a butcher’s knife in my hands. So unless you wish to find yourself to be suddenly blind, please remove yourself from my personal space.”

“Awww, you’re so serious!” Gin leant back to push up the corners of Toshiro’s mouth into a smile with slim fingers. “Smile more, it’s healthy for ya! And besides, if ya use that knife to try and hurt me, you could lose your job and your chance to see your precious Ukitake.”

“When you sleep, Gin, when you sleep.” Toshiro promised lowly and viciously hacked at the lump of meat before him, imagining it as Gin's creepily smiling face.

“Ahahaha! I’m sure!” Gin finally unwound himself from Toshiro. “But remember what I can do, Toshiro-kun!”

‘Urge to kill…rising!’ Toshiro wrestled with the impulse the drive the blade in his hands into Gin’s throat - no matter how satisfying it would've been at that moment.

“Well, see ya later!” Gin left with a flourish, laughing as he waltzed out the door.

Toshiro huffed. “One day they’ll find him cut into tiny little pieces in the dumpster.”

X.x.X

Ukitake glared at the door in which Gin had departed through. He didn’t say anything, but the look on his face was enough to show he was displeased.

“Hmmm….” Shiro frowned. “Gin was awfully close to Toshiro….looked like 'e was puttin’ th’ moves on th’ Titch.”

“I wonder what they were talking about.” Ichigo mused, more to himself than to Shiro.

They were interrupted by Hiyori shouting at them. “Oi! Strawberry! Snow White! Get over here!”

“But we’re workin’!” Shiro protested.

Hiyori huffed. “I wasn’t talking about that! Urahara and Yoruichi are here to see you! They’re in their office.” She pointed to a door by the fridge that had definitely not been there when the two had come in that morning. There were some faded gold letters on the door, reading ‘Yoruichi and Urahara: Health Inspectors’.

Shiro had once commented that it should be ‘Sex Inspectors’ instead.

“Meh," Shiro dismissed flippantly, waving a hand vaguely as he grinned at fond memories. "Prob'ly jus' wanna watch me an’ Ichi grope each other again.”

The Head Chef shrugged. “How the hell would I know? They never tell me anything.”

Ichigo sighed and put the dough he was working with back in the bowl. “Alright, I’ll go in.” He walked towards the door to the office.

“Eeh! Ichi, wait!” Shiro called out, letting his own dough fall carelessly onto the counter to follow Ichigo.

X.x.X

Yoruichi’s and Urahara’s office was dim, but not dreary, having more of a cosy feel instead. The only light in the room was the lamp that was perched on an old mahogany desk, colours still rich despite its age. There were two large armchairs that sat facing the desk, and even just by glancing at it, it was obvious that to sit in it one would find themselves sinking down in fabric comfort.

The floors were covered in plush red carpet, the walls were brick, and the perimeter of the room was covered in, quite literally, piles of various discarded items and junk. The only clear space was where the door was, which opened moments later to reveal Ichigo and Shiro.

“Shiro! Ichigo! Please, sit down!” Yoruichi purred from where she sat on the corner of the desk. “There are some important matters we must discuss.”

“Yes, important matters.” Urahara repeated, eyes shining from beneath his striped hat.

Shiro looked at them both warily. “I don’ like how yer both grinnin’.”

“We're not grinning.” Yoruichi said. “We're smiling. Now sit!”

Shiro and Ichigo exchanged looks before taking seats in the armchairs, both staring apprehensively at the duo behind the desk.

“By the way,” Yoruichi said, “this isn’t about you two having sex.”

“Well that’s a first.” Ichigo muttered.

Urahara looked at his wife, confused. “It isn’t?”

“No, Urahara, it isn’t.” Yoruichi patted his hat fondly. Glancing at the two, though, she added, “But you two are welcome to have sex after the mission.”

“Mission….?” Ichigo echoed.

Yoruichi smiled pleasantly at them; a warning sign Ichigo and Shiro had learned to pay attention to. “Neither of you have seen Grimmjow or Ulquiorra today, have you?”

“What are ya up to?” Shiro narrowed his eyes.

Yoruichi stopped smiling, quickly becoming serious. “This is important. We have lost one of our top providers of our….uh….necessities. Ulquiorra and Grimmjow had a big fight, and now Ulquiorra is staying at a hotel, you know the one up by the canal. We need you two to get those two back together again so we can continue receiving our supplies!”

“Oh no….” Ichigo groaned, placing a hand over his eyes.

"Matchmakin’?” Shiro muttered. “I ain' so good with that, as ya can see how my project with th’ Titch an’ Ukitake ain’t goin’ so well.”

“It’s not matchmaking,” The were-cat corrected, “It’s making them come to their senses!”

“What did they fight about?” Ichigo asked.

“Well, the specifics aren’t clear, but….” Urahara leaned forward, motioning frantically for the other two men to follow his example. "Apparently Grimmjow got a bit frisky with someone who wasn’t Ulquiorra.”

“With who?” Ichigo questioned again.

“Luppi.” Urahara said a matter-of-fact tone.

Shiro frowned as he digested this information. “Wait….Luppi!?”

Yoruichi nodded. “Yup. So now that you know what’s going on, we present to you, the tools you’ll need. First up….” Yoruichi pulled a small silver item from the desk, “A DS! I don’t know what you’ll use it for, but I’m sure you’ll find something for it!”

“I’ll take that!” Shiro hurriedly said, snatching the DS out of Yoruichi’s grasp and curled up in his chair, flipping it open.

“The next is catnip of the highest quality!” Yoruichi held out a small satchel, but before Ichigo could take it, she snarled in a threatening tone, “Waste any of it and I’ll fucking kill you both.” Ichigo nodded quickly and shakily accepted the catnip.

“Hey! There’s nothin’ in here!” Shiro complained, waving the DS about.

Yoruichi rolled her eyes. “Of course not silly! You have to buy the power-ups for it yourself!”

Shiro scowled and turned off the DS, stuffing the contraption into his jeans pocket.

“And finally, Ulquiorra’s panda teddy bear!” Yoruichi produced a stuffed panda, looking quite old and beaten up, but clean nonetheless. “He lost it last year at Grimmjow’s apartment and hasn’t been able to find it since.” She tossed it at Shiro, who easily caught it with an amused grin.

Ichigo frowned. “Wait, if he lost it at Grimmjow’s why do you two have it?”

Yoruichi laughed nervously. “Ah, you see…..well….You need to get going!” She abruptly leaped forward and yanked the two from their chairs, pushing them towards the door. “Go! Reunite the two lovers!”

“Good luuuuuck!” Urahara called as Shiro and Ichigo were shoved out the door. The moment the door closed, its wood faded to be replaced by the creamy tone of the kitchen walls.

Shiro blinked rapidly, trying to adjust to the sudden change in lighting. “Well, that was odd.”

“Yeah."

“So, what did they want?” Hiyori asked, standing nearby and leaning against a counter.

“Oh, spreadin' th' gay love, hafta deliver a teddy hear, an' all that good stuff.” Shiro said, tucking the panda under his arm.

“You’re playing matchmaker?” Hiyori raised an eyebrow.

“Ah, no, apparently it's jus' makin' 'em come t' their senses. Different thing all together.” Shiro shrugged.

Hiyori shrugged. “I see…..and the two in question are….?”

“Ulquiorra and Grimmjow.” Ichigo answered.

“Luppi was involved too.” Shiro put in.

“I see…..wait, what!? Luppi!?” Hiyori look appalled.

Shiro nodded in understanding. “Yeah, I know.”

“How….” Hiyori’s voice trailed off and she shook her head. “No, wait, I don't want to know. In any case, I can't just let you leave work without some guarantee you'll come back and finish your hours for today……Hand over the DS, Shiro.”

Shiro clung to the electronic device possessively. “No! I 'ave Pokemon Platinum at home an' I finally have somethin’ t’ play it on!”

“If you don’t hand it over, I’ll make sure it’s Gin fucking Toshiro.” Hiyori threatened.

Shiro gasped, eyes widening. “You wouldn’!”

“I would.” Hiyori snarled. “Now, Shiro! Or I’m not letting either of you go!”

Shiro looked pleadingly at Ichigo. “Ichiiiii!” He whined, desperation creeping into his voice.

Ichigo shrugged helplessly. “I’m sorry, I can’t do anything. At least she’s going to give it back when we’re done, right?”

“Suuuure.” Hiyori drawled.

Shiro sniffled and glumly handed over the DS. Hiyori smiled the moment it was in her hands. Wasting no time, she inserted Cooking Mama into it and flipped it open, fingers already pressing down on the power button. She hummed contentedly to herself as she walked away, lost in the game.

Shiro brooded as Ichigo started to drag him away, the orange-haired male saying soothing words to his lover in an attempt to cheer him up.

Just as they reached the door, however, Gin came back in. Not missing a beat, the fox-faced man wrapped an arm around Shiro’s shoulder. “Now just where are we headed to?”

Shiro scowled at Gin. “Somewhere….”

“Eh? That’s not very descriptive.” Gin said, poking a finger into Shiro’s cheek. “Does it perhaps something to do with Luppi, this somewhere?”

“Maybe. Or it involves us goin’ off t’ have sex. Wanna come?” Shiro offered slyly.

“Ah, your ever raging libido.” If Gin was disturbed by the offer for a threesome, he didn’t act like it. “While it sounds fun, I have other matters to attend to. But a word of advice to you two, Luppi doesn't like teases, and Grimmjow was definitely being a tease. Luppi's not going to let go easily. Luppi can become….very aggressive.”

“Why are you telling us this?” Ichigo asked distrustfully. He knew that Gin wouldn’t willingly warn them about something unless there was something in it for him – especially Shiro of all people as, oddly enough, despite both of them having similar personalities; they loathed each other with the intensity of a thousand suns.

Ichigo presumed it had something to do with the fact that Shiro and Gin knew each other from their ‘Glory Days’ a few years back.

Gin shrugged. “Just so ya know!” Giggling he detached himself from Shiro and flounced off, probably to cause more mayhem in the kitchens.

“I don’t even know why Hiyori lets him stick around.” Ichigo said, shaking his head.

Shiro grumbled under his breath, glaring at the spot which the foxily grinning man had previously occupied. “’Coz she knows I hate ‘im.” He mumbled. “Stupid fox bastard, still remember ‘im tryin’ t’ upstage me…”

Ichigo rolled his eyes and lightly punched Shiro’s shoulder. He didn’t like it when the albino talked about the days of when he’d spent most of his time trying to evade the law through loopholes and getting away with nefarious (illegal) deeds. Ichigo knew the police were still looking for the culprit to some of the robberies and he didn’t want Shiro to be snapped up for more time in jail because of his unfortunately loose tongue.

“Stop grouching.” Ichigo admonished nonchalantly. “Let’s just finish this ‘mission’ as quickly as possible. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to get tangled up in some kind of retarded soap opera of all things.”

“Ergh.” Shiro scrunched up his nose at the thought. “Yer righ’. Quick, we’ll go an’ kidnap Batman from his new Batcave and handcuff ‘im t’ Kitty b’fore we find out tha’ th’ cat bastard has a long lost son from somewhere.”

Ichigo snorted, grinning in amusement. “I’m sure we don’t have to worry about that unless guys can suddenly get pregnant.”

“Oh, don’ shrug it off, Ichi!” Shiro wagged a finger at the redhead, golden eyes squinted seriously. “Stranger things ‘ave ‘appened…especially in this Godforsaken place.” He motioned to the chaos of the kitchen behind them where things stranger then fiction had transpired (those being floating pots, disappearing doors and a spatula that was adamant in attempting to fillet a fish).

“I know.” Ichigo’s face soured. “And I don’t want to know why those things happen, either.”

“Magic.” Shiro answered promptly, ushering his lover out of the backdoor. “Mysteries o’ th’ universe. Gas leak from one o’ th’ cookers. LSD linin’ th’ water. Brain tumour. I got a ton more fer ya.”

“I’ll pass on your wide selection, thanks.” Ichigo retorted dryly. He turned to the albino and discreetly nudged him in the opposite direction. “And you go to Ulquiorra. I’ll handle Grimmjow.”

“Eh?” Shiro paused. “We’re splittin’ up? No’ goin’ together?”

Ichigo rolled his eyes. “Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot that you like to be led around by the hand everywhere.” He smirked at his lover. “Well Shiro needs to be a big boy and be able to walk through town by himself.”

Shiro snorted. “Ha, ha, ha, that was so funny I pissed myself.” His face twisted into a tight grimace however, and he crossed his arms. “…What If Luppi is there though? I dunno ‘bout ya bu’ I don’t wanna get fucked over with vases flyin’ at my head an’ shit. Despite th’ sayin’ ‘Don’t shoot th’ messenger’, people go ahead an’ do it anyway!”

“Oh, just go you big baby.” Ichigo scoffed, turning away and walking to where he vaguely remembered Grimmjow’s house to be. “I’m sure you can handle Luppi if you’re faced with him.”

“Alright!” Shiro called to Ichigo’s retreating back. “Bu’ if I get punched in th’ nose, or dragged int’ a corny soap opera angst fest ya owe me a night o’ kinky sex with vibrators an’ handcuffs!”

Ichigo felt his cheeks burn with embarrassment. “Tch. Fucking idiot…” He mumbled under his breath. “Don’t shout stuff like that in public.” Never mind that there was no one around to hear it in the narrow alleyway.

“Oh yeah!” Shiro’s voice was faint now, but Ichigo could hear the mischievousness before it became a booming, ‘Romeo’ styled wail. “An’ I will think o’ ya every minute tha’ we’re apart! My love! I love ya! An’-” The rest was cut off when Ichigo hurriedly walked out of the alleyway and into the crowded street full of beeping and general hubbub.

He felt his lips curl into a small smile though. Shiro really was an idiot.

END OF CHAPTER ONE