A/N: Here you go. Sirius and me needed a little breather from Umbridge and the trial.

Knowing that I repeat myself and still not able to stop: I'm blessed with knowing two wonderful women, who to my utter amazement love this story enough to take the time to help me make it as good as it can be. Thank you jogger and ambush99!!

And to those who celebrate it : Happy Halloween!!

x Zaira

Chapter 11 – Honesty

Hot water was drumming down on him and Sirius leaned his head back, holding his face into the spray for long minutes. The tension that had kept him going all day was only slowly starting to leave him. And he felt dirty. Dirtier than he had felt when he was escaping from Azkaban. He had faced a lot of disgust and contempt and even hatred in his life. Hell, he had been practically drowned in it every summer when he was home from school. But never from so many people... people he didn't even know. After the long years of solitude in a prison cell and the months of seclusion with Harry at the cabin, just the amount of people alone had come as a shock. But he especially had not been prepared for the bristling hostility. He had only ever faced the Aurors and Ministry officials, but today it had been the ordinary people from the street. And they all wanted his death. A painful one if possible. However much he willed himself to not care, he couldn't help but feel the weight of all their looks and sneers...

Harry.

He tried to think of Harry and his earnest face and his little fists, clutching at him, and how he had stood up in front of all those people and told them that he, Harry, loved the man they thought to be a murderer. The thought was like a warm cup of cocoa on a cold winter’s day, and Sirius leaned his forehead against the tiles, letting the water run down his back and tried to hold on to just that.

A knock on the door pulled him out of his reverie.

''Sirius? You're not going to drown yourself in there, are you?''

Sirius let out a sigh and turned off the water. ''No. I'm almost done. I'm coming!''

''You need a fresh shirt?''

Sirius grinned. ''Sure, honey, that would be lovely!''

''Git!'' Remus mumbled good-naturedly.

Sirius sighed, reaching for a towel. He wrapped it around his narrow hips and gave his reflection a hesitant glance. He knew that Albus was waiting downstairs, but it had been a long day and he'd rather talk about anything else but the trial tonight. The interrogation had been better and worse than he'd expected. Albus standing up for him in front of everyone, that had felt good. Being able to tell his story had been hard but also a relief. But he had not expected just so much loathing somehow. He had not expected the unfairness and atrocity of the accusations, and he had not expected Umbrige to bring up Regulus. James and Lily, he was prepared for that. But not Regulus... not the brother he had killed by abandoning him.

Once more it was Remus who pulled him back to reality, when the door opened and a hand held out a shirt through the gap. Sirius pulled the door open with a wry, if somewhat tired, smile.

''You suddenly concerned about my modesty?''

Remus blushed a little. ''I just thought... after today... ah, come off it, you stupid mutt!'' he huffed when Sirius grinned. ''And get dressed already!'' he called over his shoulder, making his way downstairs. Sirius watched him go and smiled to himself. He already felt a little bit better.

-

When Sirius came down the stairs a little later in faded jeans, barefoot and his inkish hair still falling in damp strands to his shoulders, Remus and Albus were already sitting at the kitchen table with cups of steaming tea and a plate of crumpets. They were studying the long rolls of parchment Albus had brought, a copy of the official protocol the special brand of quick-spell quills had produced during the proceedings.

''Do you want me to?'' Remus asked, looking up and gesturing to his friend’s head when Sirius sat down opposite him. It would only need a quick drying-charm after all.

But Sirius' smile seemed a little pained and he shook his head. ''Ah...no, thanks. It's fine.''

Remus suppressed a sigh. It really wasn't easy to tap-dance through Sirius' mood-swings sometimes. There was angry Sirius and playful Sirius, surprisingly gentle Sirius and sulking Sirius, guilty Sirius and just damn plain annoying-on-purpose Sirius. But the most difficult, the most scary, was this one. Vulnerable Sirius had not been around a lot in their school-days and Remus understood that it was as much due to the situation as it was a sign of trust that he got to see a hint of him these days. The fierce desire to protect his friend this awoke in him was rather new to Remus. In the past he had been the one that Sirius and James felt a need to protect, especially Sirius who would be the last to leave the Shack on the morning after a full moon and the first in the infirmary holding his hand and feeding him chocolate later when the strain of the change had left him exhausted. Seeing the often reckless and even haughty Sirius Black, with his devil-may-care attitude, worried and doting on him had always given him a warm feeling inside that soothed the pain in his bones and muscles even more than Madame Pomfrey's potions did.

Sirius had seldom let his guard down enough to become or even look vulnerable. Remus really only could remember one occasion, one he rather didn't recall. It might have very well been the scariest moment of his life. Scarier than the full moon. Scarier than facing a bunch of Death Eaters or even a bunch of Aurors. He could still remember how pale Sirius had looked. Like a ghost. Like a corpse. And the smell, the smell of fresh and not so fresh blood, sweet and metallic, and just somewhere in him something had liked it. Sirius on the tiles in his pyjama bottoms, his eyelids fluttering, barely conscious. There was red smeared on his chest where he had tried to cradle himself, and at first Remus had thought 'Who?'. Until he saw Sirius' wand still clutched in his bloody hand and things suddenly started to make sense. Or not make sense, because this was Sirius. That night, between horribly insufficient healing spells and hastily applied bandages, between pleads and blood replenishing potion, Remus had understood that Sirius Black had a breaking point. It was hard to reach, but if you did, Sirius broke harder than others.

To steady his hands or drag his mind away from the images, Remus reached for the tea-pot and a fresh cup and poured for his friend.

''Thanks,'' Sirius said and the warmth and easiness was back, and maybe Remus had just imagined the pain in the handsome face earlier. ''So where do we stand?'' Sirius asked, carefully schooling his features to remain calm and neutral and not betray any anxiety. ''I mean, I told them about Peter and everything, but I don't think it convinced them to be honest.''

''Maybe not everybody,'' Remus was quick to object, glad to concentrate once more on the present. ''But I think there are a few who have started to doubt the Ministry's version.'' He wasn't really sure, of course, if he was trying to reassure Sirius or himself.

Thankfully it was Albus who chimed in, putting down the scroll he had been reading. ''Well, all we have been able to do so far, is show a different picture, a different story. Now we have to convince them that it is not just a story but a likely story. Next week the Wizengamot will hear the witnesses. The Ministry doesn't have much there, but there are two problems. A lot of the witnesses they questioned after Peter blew up the street were Muggles. The Aurors took their statements, but they can't testify in court because of the Act of Secrecy. That's why the prosecution will read the statements. It's always less convincing, but it also makes it more difficult to prove their unreliability. We might be able to show holes in these testimonies, but that alone won't help us. We need people giving testimony in favour of Sirius. We need to show them that there are people who will stand up for him.''

''Good luck with that,'' Sirius snorted.

''Oh I think there are some, aren't there Remus?''

''If you think it will help any, you know I will tell them whatever is needed. Just keep in mind that people don't tend to trust werewolves all that much.'' Remus didn't look at them but rather studied the contents of his tea cup.

Sirius shifted on his chair. ''Is it really necessary that Remus is testifying?''

Remus flinched and immediately scolded himself. Sirius probably just wanted to spare him the contemptuous questions Umbridge surely would have about his 'dark creature' status. Probably? Certainly. And still he wished there wouldn't be these attempts... these signs of pity.

''Remus can give evidence about the circumstances of the day he found you. About how you saved Harry and him in the blizzard. How you didn't run. How you took good care of Harry...''

Remus looked up, but not at Albus. His eyes fixed on the silvery blue ones across the table. ''Yes. I can do that.''

''Of course, there is someone else who could give a good account on how well Sirius took care of Harry,'' Albus said, looking at them over the rim of his glasses.

''There is?''

''Who?''

''Harry.''

For a moment the two Marauders just stared at their old Headmaster. Finally it was Remus who spoke, giving Sirius a nervous glance.

''Harry? But, would he even be allowed to? He is only eight, and his guard-''

''No.''

''Obviously, from what we all were able to witness today, young Harry has a rather prominent desire to defend you. Even his outbreak has already gained us sympathy. But Harry could also confirm the treatment of his relatives. The treatment you saved-''

''No.''

Albus sighed. ''Sirius. You have to understand how serious your situation is.-''

''You think I don't know that?'' Sirius glared at him. ''You think the people trying to kill me with their looks, the shouts and yells and that pink piranha didn't give me a clue about that? But the reason I'm here, the only reason, is Harry. I broke out because of him. I survived because of him. All I want is for him to be happy and safe. To feel safe. And you want to drag him in front of a room full of people staring at him and make him tell how he was hit and humiliated? No! He is only eight. He's been through enough. I want him to never have to recall all that!''

But Albus wasn't so easily argued out of something. ''Sirius. This could be crucial. This could be the key to your acquittal. Even if Harry is only eight, he is the Boy Who Lived. The acclaimed saviour of our world and people will believe him. If we can show them that Harry is not only not afraid of you but loves you, if he can tell his story freely, it will sway a lot of opinions.''

''No. It's my final word.''

''Technically you don't have to approve. You are not his guardian.''

''Albus!''

Remus saw the anger light up in Sirius' eyes, who had already jumped out of his chair, and it was only Remus' hand on his friend's that held him back at this moment.

''Sirius is Harry's godfather, Albus. Even if the wizard world doesn't acknowledge it right now. And what is more, it is his trial. He should decide.''

Sirius, breathing raggedly, sunk back down on his chair.

''Still, Albus is right.'' Remus turned to his friend and, when he tried to snatch his hand back, looking at Remus incredulously, held on. ''Harry needs you, Sirius. If nothing else, that was evident today. And do you remember what you told him? What you promised him? You promised that you would be together as a family again! I know speaking in front of the court won't be easy for Harry. But he was already incredibly brave today, when he spoke up. This time he'll only have to answer questions. Maybe this could even be without the audience.''

''But... Umbridge... what if she... That woman is evil! I don't want her near him.''

''Umbridge won't push deeper for details of abuse.'' Dumbledore explained calmly. ''For her case, those things can only be disadvantageous because they make you his saviour. She also knows it won't be to her favour if she is anything but considerate with a little boy, let alone Harry Potter.''

''Still. Harry is too young...''

''He wants nothing more than to help you, Padfoot. What if we ask him? We ask him if he wants to tell the court about it.''

Sirius chuckled wryly. ''If you ask him he will say yes. Of course he would. He would cut off his own right hand if he thought it would help. He doesn't think of himself. He never learned that his own wants and needs count.''

''But you taught him, didn't you?''

''I tried.''

''Then don't go back on that now. Harry wants to help you. He wants to tell the court that you are innocent. It's all he's been talking about actually. And he wants you to be free. So that you can take him home.'' Remus looked at Sirius meaningfully, and his friend rolled his eyes.

''Yeah, yeah. I get it.'' He hesitated one last time. ''Okay. Talk to him about it. But I want you to talk to him, Moony.'' He looked at Dumbledore, calmer now. ''Sorry, Albus.''

''No. I understand. And I apologize for being insensitive. Maybe Remus and I could pay a visit to the Burrow together tomorrow. Then Remus could talk to young Harry, and I will convince Molly.''

Sirius took a deep breath but then nodded. Slowly the tension died away and their talk finally moved to lighter topics. After a while Dumbledore got ready to leave, having rejected Remus' offer to stay for dinner. Remus mumbled something about potatoes and went outside to pick them up from the cellar, not without shooting Dumbledore a meaningful glance.

-

Being left alone in the kitchen with Sirius, Albus reached for the tea-pot to refill the younger wizard's cup.

''I really am sorry, Sirius. I should not have said that about you not being Harry's guardian. ''

Sirius shrugged. ''No. What you said was true. I'm not Harry's guardian, however much I want to.''

''When the trial is over, we might be able to change that.''

''Assuming we win.''

''Yes.''

Sirius nodded, staring down into the twirling liquid while he stirred his cup. ''Thank you. Not only... Your speech today. It means a lot to me that you believe me.''

''I meant what I said. I should have never doubted you.''

''It's okay. I know how things looked.'' He shrugged again, obviously feeling uncomfortable with the topic. ''So, when will you see the Weasleys tomorrow?''

''I'll owl you after I have spoken with them.'' Albus hesitated for a moment, but then asked what had been on his mind for a while.

''Are you prepared for afterwards?''

''Do you mean are we expecting Molly Weasley storming the house and hexing the evilness inside?'' Sirius tried to joke. ''Well, she wouldn't catch me by surprise. Or are you asking if Remus has forgotten that he becomes a cuddly little werewolf when the moon is full? I doubt it. Neither have I.''

''If I understand correctly, you, James and Peter have become Animagi back when you were in school to help Remus endure the change.''

''Yes. It's easier for him that way. He has company, his pack, and it makes him calmer. He doesn't tear himself so badly. That's why I will be with him that night.'' Sirius looked defensive and determined.

''I understand and admire that you want to be there for your friend. That's why I tried to persuade the Ministry to expand the boundaries of your confinement to those of Remus' property, or at least the cellar he uses to change. Unfortunately that motion was declined.''

''What do you mean?'' Sirius exclaimed angrily. ''I thought I was confined to the house, so why can't I go into the cellar?''

''Because the cellar is only accessible from the outside.''

The eyes of the younger wizard were ablaze with anger. ''What!? But... you put in another bedroom for Merlin's sake, surely you could do something simple as a door?''

''I most definitely could. But the Minister was clear about this. I'm sorry, Sirius.''

''Sorry? That... they can't do that! Moony will know I am here. He will go crazy. I'm his pack, and Moony will go through fire to get to his pack.''

Dumbledore nodded gravely. ''I know.''

''I can't leave the house. There is no way Moony won't know. He will smell me and if he can't get to me, he will hurt himself.''

''I know.''

''No! You don't understand! It will be bad! I can't be responsible for that! I have seen what it's like if the wolf gets angry. You know what happened. They can't make me...'' Sirius looked at Dumbledore and once more the fire of desperation and determination burned in his eyes which held just the slightest touch of madness. ''Take me to Azkaban.''

Dumbledore sighed. ''I can't, Sirius, even if I wanted to. You are bound to this house.''

-

Sirius felt the icy cold of dread fill him. There had to be something. Something he could do. ''He could die,'' he whispered. He would be the cause of Remus' death. He would kill his other, his now only friend. What kind of curse was he under? Was everyone he cared about doomed to die because of him?

''Sirius. It is highly unlikely that it will come to that, not when you change to your Animagus form. It is important that Remus won't smell a human in the vicinity. But there is a danger to every transformation, you know that. And no, it won't be easy for Remus this time, but he's been through worse.''

''Because of me.'' Sirius stated, his voice hard.

''What do you mean?''

''He has been through worse because of me.''

A feeling of endless helplessness filled Sirius, like being caught in the tide, unable to change what was going to happen, unable to move...

Dumbledore sighed again. ''You can't go there, Sirius. You can't take the responsibility for everything that happens around you. You can't control everything, however much you want to. Believe me, this is a lesson I had to learn the hard way.''

Sirius laughed, a bitter, bark-like sound. ''That's hardly a comfort if I can scrap him from the floor the next morning. Well, but then it won't be me, will it? Even if he lies dead down there, it won't matter, because I won't be able to walk through that door.'' He pointed a sharp finger at the entrance to the cottage. And then an idea sparked inside of him, and he turned his head back to the door. There was a possibility, wasn't there? He just had to give them a reason. Before Albus could say anything, before he could react, Sirius stormed across the room.

But the moment he reached for the door handle and Albus cried out his name, the door was pushed open from the other side and Sirius collided headlong with the very werewolf he couldn't help but want to protect, no matter the cost.

Remus' hands came up to grab Sirius' shoulders, pushing back against him.

''What do you think you are doing? Have you gone crazy?''

Sirius stared into the wide eyes of his friend. ''I-''

''Have you fucking lost your mind, you dumb mutt? Do you know what would happen if you went through that door?''

Sirius grimaced, body still ready to bolt. ''That is kind of the point.''

''The point is you going back to Azkaban? Where is this coming from!? Are you so tired of my company already, that you want to go back to the Dementors that badly!?''

Sirius body sacked. ''Full moon is tomorrow night.''

Remus looked at him like he had said the earth was a globe. ''I know that, you idiot. It's not like I could forget.''

''The Ministry won't let me be with you.''

Remus face didn't show any reaction.

''You knew!?'' Sirius asked, getting angry again.

''No. But I can't say it comes as a surprise. I can't see why that makes you run for the door though.''

''You -... I will be here, Moony. In close proximity, but not with you.''

''I know.''

''How can you all be so stoic about it? Am I the only one worried for his safety?'' Sirius cried rounding back on Dumbledore.

''No. You're not. But Remus is strong and has managed through the last full moons as well, although they weren't easy. I spoke with the Ministry healer, since Fudge doesn't approve of Poppy. I asked her to check up on you day after tomorrow. If anything happens, she will be able to help Remus.''

Remus bowed his head towards the older wizard. ''Thank you, Albus. I appreciate this.''

Dumbledore nodded. ''I leave you to your privacy now. I will send an owl about the time for our visit tomorrow.''

When the door closed behind the headmaster, Remus pushed Sirius back towards the kitchen table.

''Sit down and don't move, do you hear me? I can't believe you! Do you even pause to think before you jump into action?''

Sirius slumped down in his chair. At least there would be a healer available on the day after. He knew it was the best he would get. The best Remus would get. The well-being of werewolves wasn't high on the Ministry's list of priorities. But that didn't mean he had to like it.

''I hate to be responsible for you getting hurt. I don't want that... not again.''

-

Remus watched Sirius defeated posture and something struggled inside of him as he tried to push images and feelings alike back, down, deep deep down where he didn't have to think about them. Feelings of trust and betrayal, affection and self-disgust, hope and heart-break. Blood and pain. His. Sirius'. He pushed it all away. It was his fate. Had been his fate since that night so long ago that everything before seemed like a distant dream. A story he had heard once about another boy.

The silver light of the moon was falling through his bedroom window onto his sheets and he still felt wide awake and much too giddy to sleep. Tomorrow was his fifth birthday and his mother had promised him a big cake and there would be a party with all his friends from the neighbourhood. And then there would be presents. He wondered if he would finally get the toy-broom he had been wishing for for so long. Even Reggie Cattermole from down the street already had one, but Remus' mother was always worrying that something could happen. But tomorrow he would be five, and at five you were already a big boy, already starting school.

Feeling a little thirsty, or maybe just needing an excuse to get out of bed again, Remus scrambled out from the blankets of his huge four-poster and sneaked down the stairs to the kitchen. He had to climb on one of the kitchen chairs to reach the cupboard with the glasses, but Remus was good at being silent and sneaky. He had to with a Mum who always worried so much. Holding his glass of water with both hands he looked out through the window pane in the back-door. The silver moon was painting the garden that stretched all the way towards the forest in a mysterious light. So beautiful. So magical. Then he saw the colourful little lights dancing around the rose bushes at the back of the garden. Curious, Remus pressed his face against the cold glass to see them better, but they were too far away. He reached for the door handle and slipped out into the garden. It was easy to find his way, the moon lighting his path. The shadows seemed deeper and the forest at the edge of the property was looming in blackness, but Remus only had eyes for the dancing lights. When he came closer he saw that the lights in fact were little figures with multi-coloured wings that were buzzing in and out of the bushes in what looked like a rollicking game they were playing. Remus watched in awe.

Suddenly there was a rustling in the trees as a light breeze picked up, and the glowing little creatures halted their play, their buzzing becoming more frantic. And then, almost in a heartbeat, they flew off over the hedge and vanished into the neighbouring gardens. There was another rustling and Remus shivered. Suddenly the garden didn't look so magical anymore.

And then he heard the growl.

It was followed by scratching sounds and then the rustling grew louder and came nearer and now Remus really was scared and started to run back to the house as fast as his little feet could carry him. And then the growl was behind him, and something hit him with such a force that he crashed to the ground and all the air was squashed out of him, and then there was pain.

Pain.

PAIN.

And he SCREAMED.

He tried to struggle, but there was a heavy weight pinning him down and there were glowing yellow eyes and he felt light-headed and SCARED. And there was the pain that was so bad he felt almost numb and he wanted his Mummy! He wanted his Mummy so badly, but he couldn't call. His voice was just a whisper and what if Mummy couldn't hear him?

That was all Remus could remember. He didn't remember the days afterwards, but he knew that there hadn't been a birthday cake and that there had never been a party, not even later. There had not been a toy-broom either, and he had never played with Reggie Cattermole again. But that was his life, had always been his life, and there was no use in complaining and there was no use in Sirius doing acts of outrageous idiotism. And then again it was just like Sirius to jump the wand, acting first and thinking of the consequences later...

***

The evening was getting late. Actually it was starting to get so late that you couldn't rightfully call it evening anymore. Tea had been replaced with Firewhiskey without a word, and when Sirius had announced that he felt the need to get smashed, strangely enough Remus hadn't uttered a word of protest. It seemed that Sirius wasn't the only one who had not been left unscathed by the events of the day.

Remus breathed out in a long sigh. ''It was a long day. And I know that it can't have been easy for you today. The Aurors. And Umbridge... but... I really wish you would stop to think before you act now and then. Do you know what kind of story the Ministry would have made out of it if you had stepped through that door? They would have said that you had tried to escape! That it was evidence of your guilt. And then what about-''

''I know, Remus. Okay?''

''You always do that. You just act without thinking about the consequences.''

''Maybe I just don't care about the consequences,'' Sirius said glaring at his friend.

Remus shook his head. ''I don't think so. What about the Christmas fair?''

Sirius frowned. ''What are you talking about?''

''You took Harry to the Christmas fair, risking getting caught. You can't tell me you didn't care about that.''

Sirius' eyes shimmered in amusement. ''So am I getting that right, you are mad at me for making it easier for you to find us?''

''I'm just saying it was totally irresponsible!“

Sirius nodded, looking as if he gave that thought proper consideration. ''And you mean that as a convict on the run, it would have been my duty to act more responsibly?''

''You had Harry to think about!''

''Oh, yeah, rule number 14 of the kidnapper's handbook. Always see that you are hiding your hostage properly. It's the responsible thing to do.''

''I won't let you get away with sarcasm. It was totally you. You want something, or think it's fun, you simply act. You never stop to think. You just do it.''

''Actually there are a lot of things I think are fun, that I don't do. And yes, it it because I thought about it before. You just never find out about those.''

Remus only answer was raising his left eyebrow. And topping up his whiskey glass. Sirius wasn't sure if that was such a good idea. Remus had never been good at holding his liquor.

His face grew serious. ''He had never been, Remus. He had never had any fun. I thought it would be safe with all those Muggles. And you wouldn't have found us if you hadn't already known about the cabin. We managed to shake you off, didn't we, Moony? How did you do it by the way? If you didn't know where the cabin was...''

''I flooed.''

''Oh,'' Sirius looked taken aback. ''So why hadn't you done that in the first place?''

''I didn't know if the fireplace was connected. I couldn't even be that sure that it existed.''

Sirius eyes grew huge. ''What!? You flooed to a place you didn't know existed? You didn't know if you could come through? You wanna tell me again about being irresponsible!?''

''At least I only risked my own life,'' Remus mumbled, but Sirius had heard and immediately lost his amusement.

''What's that supposed to mean? When have I ever risked another person's life? Harry was never at risk!''

Remus waved his hand. ''Forget it.''

But Sirius wasn't that easily appeased. ''No. Tell me when have I risked another person's life just for fun and out of recklessness!?''

Remus looked at him, and there was something hidden in his eyes, like an old pain. ''Severus,'' he said quietly.

Sirius froze. For a long moment neither of them spoke. ''Yeah,'' Sirius finally said. ''I see what you mean.'' He drained his glass and set it down on the table. ''I'm tired. I think I am going to bed.'' He stood up stiffly and nodded towards Remus, not meeting his eyes. ''Good night, Remus.''

''Good night...''

Remus watched Sirius walk up the stairs, feeling uneasy. It wasn't like what he had said wasn't true, was it? So why was he feeling guilty? He had been the injured party. His trust had been betrayed. His calamity Sirius had attempted to use. His life had been risked too. His and that of Severus Snape.

Agony. Pain piercing him to the very core of his being. There is nothing else. There is only pain. Pain is his world, and for a moment he wonders why he is surprised. He knows the pain. He has been here before. There was such pain before but not for a long time. Not like this. And there is something else. Something is different.

He moans.

'He is waking up.'

'Do you think he remembers?'

'I don't know. Don't push him Pete.'

Two voices but he is waiting for a third. Someone is missing. Gentle hands. Whispered words. Why isn't he here?

'Wh-what...?' he croaks.

'It's alright. You're gonna be alright Moony. It was a tough one.'

James. His voice... relief and... anger. A thought tickles his mind. Something must have happened. No... something has happened. He remembers... rage. Unbelievable rage. Wanting to tear, wanting to rip. And a scent. Human scent.

His eyes pop open. The light hurts but he doesn't care. Everything hurts but he doesn't care. James face is sporting an ugly bruising scratch.

'No!' he moans. 'Please... no!' He struggles to sit up.

'Shhh, Moony. Don't move. You've lost a lot of blood. Madame Pomfrey-'

'Have I- ?'

Fear. Unbelievable terror. Where is Sirius? Why is Sirius not here? Please, not Sirius.

'You will have to stay another night at least,' James says.

'Sirius!' he chokes the name out like a sob.

James face darkens in anger. Oh, dear Merlin, please no!

'He is with Dumbledore.'

Not dead then, is he? Not dead, but...

'He's not-... I haven't bitten him?’

'What? No! You haven't bitten anyone.'

'But. I remember... the wolf, he was angry. There was someone there.'

James nods jerkily. 'There was. Severus. Sirius told him how to get to the Shack.'

And that is when the bottom drops away and he is falling, screaming, into the blackness. All the pain becomes background noise as his heart breaks into a thousand pieces.

Remus put his head in his hands. He had to let it go. It had been such a long time ago, they had been kids and Sirius... had been reckless. He had not meant anything by it. He had not thought. And nothing had happened. Well, not what could have happened. Severus had tried to sneak to the Shack, but James had pulled him back at the last moment. Before Remus, before the wolf could... And Sirius had regretted it, he knew that he must have regretted it. Otherwise he wouldn't have gone so far. Nearly too far.

Sirius on the bathroom tiles. The bloody mess of his wrists.

Had he thought that one through? Remus wasn't sure which answer he would like better. That Sirius had been horribly reckless and by that had almost killed himself, or that Sirius had known what he was doing. That Sirius had wanted to die.

***

The room was dark apart from the soft silver moonlight falling on the sheets. Sirius stood silently and motionless, staring out on the nightly fields and forests stretching out behind Remus' cottage. It looked peaceful, the moonlight, always so peaceful. There had been other nights like this, when he stared out into the night. Being trapped in his room, like an animal in its cage. He'd been alone. Always alone. When he was lucky.

The moon and the stars. Once they had been nighttime companions to a little boy lost in the dark. Then he met Remus, and the moon became an adversary. An enemy, hurting his friend, while hanging out there uncaring and cold. But they had been together and sworn to never give in. They had turned the tables and had found a way to outsmart fate and turn misery into fun. They had been the kings of their universe. But then everything had changed in just one night. A night with a full moon looming in the sky once again. Not that he had seen it.

No, he had been deep down in the dungeons of Hogwarts Castle that night. And there had not been a day since then that he had not wished he hadn't. That he had not tried to sneak into Slughorn's potions cabinet. Had not been caught by Slughorn sneaking into his potions cabinet. Had not gotten detention to be served at the next party of the Slug Club. Had not set real slugs on a few of the more annoying members and had not strolled back through the corridors afterwards, grinning and feeling invincible. Had not been so damn carefree.

The tides had turned in the blink of an eye when he had suddenly been surrounded.

He pressed his eyes closed against the memories. A dark corridor. The hands holding him. The laughter. The sharp pain and the other things. The feeling of angry shame. Fighting and struggling and hissing. All in vain. Blood rushing in his ears. And Snivellus. Mocking him. And Lucius... No. Couldn't think about it.

But that night, everything had changed. Masks were ripped away and the two personae, he so carefully had separated, blurred and blended and became an ugly mess of limbs and flesh. And he wouldn't beg. And whatever they said, he would not shed a tear. Oh, and didn't they try to make him...

He had not wanted anyone to die. Or even come close to. Had he? Maybe there had been a moment. When he had been lying there unable to move. But never like that. He would never have wanted to hurt Remus. All he had ever wanted was to protect him. He still did. But once more, just like in that night so long ago, things were being taken out of his hands and he was powerlessly watching the events unfold.

It couldn't happen again. Remus. He had to keep him safe. And what ever he said, it didn't matter one bit, because Remus had forgiven him. He had said so.

TBC

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Reviewers Anonymous: the lethargic lemur lover: There were a few accidental ''aw''s from my part too when I read your review. ;) I'm sorry for causing you embarrassment, but I'm glad you feel it's worth it. Thank you very much and I'm looking forward to more lethargic reviews. Tara: Thank you for letting me know! Hopefully you will keep enjoying. :) BloOm: You scare me girl, you really do! (*whisper: you can't read minds, can you?*). About your request, not sure I can grant that. We aren't that far yet, but if we get there I will explain my reasons. Glad to feed your Harry/Sirius addiction though. Not much in this chapter, but more to come. Also more of the evil guys. Bisous! Bluemoon: Stop! You 'll make me blush. Really, thank you, that's exactly what I try to do! HebHibHob: Hurray, you've reviewed *happy/silly dance* Lol! Thank you! Spot on about Umbridge! Though I disagree a little about Lucius. The man is a sick f*** but he's (unfortunately) not stupid. And every child growing up with such a father deserves some pity. Glad you liked Harry's outbreak and the ''Dumbeldorian'' speech. Great expression! :) Roonil Wazlib: Thank you for the full marks! :) And aren't we all suckers for some Sirius/Harry cuddling? Mia: Thank you! Glad you agree about the Veritaserum. And your wishes were heard. ;) Lots of Sirius & Remus this chapter, hope you liked it! Popsy: Totally on your page. Sacrificing Sirius was a CRIME! Lol. Not gonna happen!! :) read addiction: Thank you for reassuring me! And in such a beautiful way. I'm happy you like the insight into the characters. We will get to the bottom one day!