I just have so many ideas…

Disclaimer: I don’t own Kingdom Hearts.

o.0.o

Thinking Of You
A Roxas x Namine one shot.

“How do I get better once I’ve had the best?”

o.0.o

Namine’s POV

I have never felt so ashamed of myself.

I look over at Roxas; he smiles at me warmly from his computer chair and then goes back to what he was doing.

I don’t deserve him.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got everything figured out, Nami.” He says.

“What?”

Roxas hesitates; he sees that I don’t look too well.

The day he left, everything went downhill.

I was lucky enough to find a guy like Roxas. My parents thought I’d be better off with the rich boy rather than the poor college student…

Roxas had graduated and was already working on trying to get into the FBI. It was his lifelong dream.

He was the most caring guy out there. He would do anything to make sure I was happy. He took me in under his roof, fed me, pampered me and made me feel like I was his queen. He would always buy expensive things for me, which I didn’t want or need but accepted anyway because this was the type of person he was. He loved to see me happy.

But you can’t buy love.

“We could go to the Bahamas, Italy, wherever you want.”

“We really… don’t have to…”

The truth was, I would love to go to those places.

Just not with him.

“Surprise me…” That was the only way I could convince him anymore.

“Oh, I will.”

I went into the kitchen and started washing dishes. He came up behind me, wrapping his arms around me and looking into the glass window at our reflections. I felt terrible.

“I love you so much, Namine.”

I faked a smile and kissed him to make up for not saying it back. He thought nothing of it, let go of me and went over to the cabinet to search for some food. I watched him in the window as he walked back and forth across the kitchen, finally coming to the conclusion that we had nothing worthy enough to eat.

The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt him.

He practically saved me…

But all I did was start to think of Sora again. Those memories…

Regretful, depressing and unforgettable.

I can’t erase the past…

Sora was the best.

Roxas noticed I was dozing off and went to turn off the water. He gave me a concerned look; he always did this without ever asking what was actually wrong. Maybe he felt it was none of his business, which was strange but good at the same time. We didn’t know much at all about each other’s personal lives.

I’ve never told him about Sora.

How Sora was the only one I’ve ever loved…

The only one that I would take a bullet for in a heartbeat, if given the chance.

He was the one for me and I blew it.

How could I just let him go like that…?

Strangely, Roxas knew who Sora was; in fact they were pretty good friends. He met him after Sora and I broke up, though. I guess Sora’s never said anything about me. In a way, that’s great.

I wonder how he’s doing. I haven’t seen him in two and a half years.

I met Roxas through my parent’s friends; he was their son. They came over for dinner one night. Roxas could not stop staring at me. My parents noticed this and made secret arrangements for another get together. They obviously wanted me to date him.

I grew to like him more and more, but only as a friend. Eventually he revealed his feelings and I gave in. I needed someone in my life and I thought I could move on if I tried another relationship. Boy, was I wrong.

He always looks at me with those appreciative blue eyes. He trusts in me completely. He believes I’m the one he has been searching for his entire life. Pretty straightforward after only a few months of knowing me.

At the time I was still moping about Sora. He told me he had to focus on his career. He never told me exactly what he was working towards, but I promised I’d wait for him.

‘I’d rather you didn’t.’

That’s what he said to me…

After that, he became more and more distant. Work started to pile up on him and he became extremely stressed. He yelled at me often; not wanting to be bothered. He didn’t pick up his phone. I felt like a hindrance to him. I loved him dearly and only wanted to help, but something was keeping him away from me…

Was there someone else?

I wondered that constantly. My insecurities got the best of me and we fought. He swore on his mother’s grave there was no one else, but I kept on. I hated myself for that. I was scared. I didn’t want to lose him, yet I did…

And it’s all because of me.

He finally packed his bags and left. Who knows where he went. Nobody saw him for a while until Roxas reported having a new friend he met at school. When he said Sora’s name I felt like fainting. Again, Roxas doesn’t know. Sora probably doesn’t know I’m the one dating him. Roxas tried to invite me to go and meet some of his friends, but I couldn’t bear to see Sora if he was going to be there. I’d rather die than for Roxas to find out.

Guilt trips are normal now. Roxas would do so much for me; little things—open doors, pull my chair out for me at dinner and even tuck me into bed and turn out the lights for me, yet I can’t do anything for him. He says he doesn’t want anything but my love, but I still feel bad.

When he kisses me… when he holds me…

All I can think of is Sora…

I wonder if he’s figured it out by now—that I’m not as into him as he is to me.

I can see it. Sometimes he has that sad look in his eyes.

But when I try to ask him, he shakes it off and says its nothing.

I care about Roxas a lot… I really do.

…He’s just not the one for me.

Getting a good night’s rest was all I wanted right now. I had to get away even if it was just for a few hours. We slept in the same bed, but I never faced him.

I wondered how much that hurt him.

Roxas took off his shirt and got in the bed with me. “Why are you still in your clothes?” He said teasingly, playing around with my hair and turning me over so he could see my face.

“I… don’t know.” I rolled over and turned the lamp light off. I heard Roxas sigh and get comfortable next to me.

“Good night. I love you.”

“…I love you too…”

‘Sora…’ I added in my mind; tears forming in my eyes.

o.0.o

I bet you’re wondering by now, what was so great about Sora?

Everything, I tell you. Everything.

In a way, he was a lot like Roxas. He took care of me, he appreciated me for who I was and most importantly he loved me like no other. He was perfect in every way.

Every girl was jealous of me once we started dating. I felt like I was on top of the world and Sora was right there with me. He respected me, stood up for me, helped me when I needed it and let me cry on his shoulder when things went wrong. He always said the right things and made no mistakes. He told me he’d stay with me forever; that nothing or no one can ever break us apart—not even his parents who obviously hated me. Our relationship was like a fairy tale; one that only happened in the movies.

We should’ve known it would come to an end.

Even though we only dated for about a year, he was still the best thing that ever happened to me. When he left all I could do was cry.

Why was it so easy for him to go?

Once again, I blamed myself.

So here I am in a one-sided serious relationship with a guy that’s madly in love with me and I have no idea what to do.

Roxas put his arm across my stomach and moved closer, resting his head on my shoulder. He was fast asleep. I didn’t want to wake him, but this was very uncomfortable to me. However, I remained there.

I guess one thing I have to realize is…

Sora’s not coming back.

Roxas is my reality now.

As much as I don’t want to, I’m just going to have to force myself to love him.

It’s all I can do to try and make him happy…

The past is long gone.

o.0.o

Roxas finally convinced me to get out of the house for the first time in a long time. We were going to London for a week. On the plane, he was nothing but sweet to me, like always. However, something did feel a little different.

He was nervous, quiet and seemed like he was thinking about something really hard. I left him alone and just stared out the window at the clouds and ground below.

“Aren’t you going to ask me what’s wrong?” He looked over at me.

“Oh…” My eyes lowered to the floor. “Um…”

Roxas laughed. “That’s okay.”

He was hiding something, I knew it.

I ended up almost falling asleep on Roxas’ shoulder about an hour later. He kissed my forehead and closed his eyes. I could feel him breathing over me. I had no idea why but I smiled to myself as he fell over onto me, passed out.

o.0.o

We stayed at a really fancy hotel. Our room was huge; it had a fireplace, beautiful paintings on the walls, a kitchen and a bedroom with a king-sized bed. It was pretty romantic with the red sheets and a picture of Adam and Eve above the bed; candles were set up in random places around the room. The balcony overlooked the entire city.

“I really like this place…” I said, staring off into the night.

“Isn’t it amazing?” Roxas said as he unpacked his bags and neatly put his clothes into the drawers. I came back inside and fell onto the bed. It was so comfortable I could fall asleep right then and there. Roxas climbed in next to me, yawning.

“Such a long day…”

“Yeah…” I said without opening my eyes. A felt something brush against my lips softly. Roxas was trying to kiss me. I let him, even though I knew in my heart I didn’t feel anything.

He continued to make out with me. After a while, Roxas tugged on my jacket, wanting me to take it off. I stared at him for a few moments and then did so.

“Nami, we don’t have to do this…” He whispered.

If I was going to learn to love him, I felt this was necessary. “It’s okay.”

“You sure?” He gave me a concerned look. I only nodded and started to unbutton my shirt. Roxas kissed me passionately, taking off his clothes in the process. Soon we were both almost completely exposed. I had never done this with him—or anyone before. (Not even Sora) He lay on top of me, unable to take his eyes away from mine. Roxas moved my hair out of my face and just gazed.

“You’re so beautiful…”

At this point, I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. Part of me was saying this was wrong and the other part wanted him—badly. I lifted my head up and pecked his lips shyly, urging for him to kiss me back. He got the message.

I shivered when his lips touched my neck. He noticed how startled I was at first and stopped to check with me.

“I’m… fine. I promise. Go ahead…”

He nodded and went back to it. Roxas started traveling down. I let him—of course. He fondled my breast with his hand as he kissed the other. I let out a soft moan. Sora’s face entered my mind. I flinched when I felt him bite gently on my nipple, massaging with his tongue shortly afterwards. I couldn’t believe I was letting him do this…

He kissed my lips again. His breaths were shorter as he became engulfed in the passion. His hands began to caress my body up and down. Roxas had some sort of fascination with my stomach. I felt a guilty sense of pleasure as he kissed my stomach and rubbed the bottom of my thigh. I imagined Sora doing this to me…

He slid my underwear down, leaving me completely naked. Roxas was dumbfounded by my beauty; it was almost cute. My mind was racing now.

‘Stop thinking of Sora… stop…’

I couldn’t do this… I had to come back to reality…

This was Roxas—the guy I’ve been with for two years.

I started shaking. Roxas tried to calm me by pulling me closer. There it was again—the same sad-stricken eyes. I had to pretend… just for him…

“Just a little nervous…” That was true, but it wasn’t the main reason.

He fell for it once again. We both sat up, not taking our eyes off each other for one second.

“Let’s just go to sleep, okay?” Roxas gave a faint smile and got under the covers. Surprised, I had to process it through my mind once again.

“Roxas—“

“I’m not going to push you to do anything you don’t want to. Don’t worry about it.” He said calmly, resting his head on the pillow.

I wondered what in the world was going through his mind at the moment. Once again, I’ve hurt him without even saying anything. That’s what we do. I got under the covers with him. I’ve never actually slept naked—or next to a guy naked for that matter. Shame overcame me; somehow for the first time I felt like I had actually betrayed Sora. I told him I’d wait for him…

But this wasn’t supposed to be part of it.

“Namine, I love you.” Roxas whispered. He was always the first to say it.

I couldn’t bring myself to say it back.

o.0.o

Our week in London was coming to a close. Roxas didn’t try to have sex with me again; it was just the same old. In a way I was happy, but I knew he wanted to take that extra step. We went to all kinds of places; I saw a castle and got to tour through it. That was pretty amazing. We strolled through town, going to all the small shops that caught our interest and actually having tea. Roxas acted the same way he did back at home—cheerful and appreciative. We went on a horse-carriage ride through a historic part of town. It all made for an overall great week, but I still felt like a part of me was missing…

Yeah, I’m talking about Sora.

On the final night, Roxas took me out on a dining cruise across the river. He made sure to get us our very own section with candlelight and a perfect view of the city. It was a little windy, but not too bad.

“You know what?” Roxas said, staring off into the distance. The Ferris Wheel along with the rest of the city illuminated the night sky. It was so beautiful, I thought.

“What?”

“I’m really happy you came with me. I always feel like I’m not doing enough to make you happy, but you really seemed to enjoy yourself this week. I haven’t seen you laugh or smile like that… ever.”

“Really?” My face reddened. Have I really been sad the entire time?

Roxas nodded, but then turned away. It was quiet.

I watched him carefully, wondering what to say next. I wondered what he would do if I told him about Sora. Now definitely wasn’t the right time, but I couldn’t help but feel like it was something I had to do. He was all I had now.

“R-Roxas?”

“Yeah?” His eyes shifted in my direction. I suddenly lost my train of thought as he stared directly at me.

I saw Sora through those blue eyes.

I stiffened; I didn’t expect this at all. Roxas turned around in his chair and gave me his full attention. I could feel the tears coming; any second now I would be balling my eyes out. I was sick of lying to Roxas; I really did appreciate him and everything he did for me, but it just didn’t compare…

I couldn’t do this anymore…

“Nami? What’s wrong?” He came around to my side, but I pushed him away and cried. He just came right back.

“Namine…”

o.0.o

Flashback

“Sora, what are you doing?” I watched as he set up a vase on his desk filled with all different kinds of flowers. I had liked him for quite a while now.

“Just putting these flowers here so I can be with you even when you’re not here.”

“Huh?” I gave him a perplexed look.

“A Daisy for your innocence…” He took one of the daisies out and handed it to me. I took it, still a little confused.

“A Gardenia for the joy you bring me,” He gave me a white flower. The scent was breathtaking.

“A White Rose for your purity.”

“Sora…”

“An Orchid… because you’re just so beautiful…”

I was so amazed I wanted to cry.

Sora hesitated before taking the next flower out. He stared at it, looking as if he was thinking deeply about this one. “A Tulip…” he gave it to me, holding onto my hand with his, “because I have fallen completely in love with you.”

Before I was able to respond, he pulled me into a long, passionate kiss. I dropped the flowers to the floor as Sora entangled his fingers into mine, not planning on letting go any time soon. I wasn’t sure how long we were standing there, but it felt like an eternity. I never wanted it to end.

Simply put—he was perfect.

o.0.o

The memories that I held deep inside of me were about to be revealed to the guy that cared for me more than anyone else. The pain I endured since I entered this relationship hasn’t gone away.

Was there any hope left for me?

“Namine, let me help you. No matter what it is… tell me…”

“No… I… can’t…” I said in between sobs. Roxas made me stand up and embraced me.

“You don’t have to be afraid. I will always love you. That’s a promise.”

His words only made me cry harder against his chest. “But… I’ll hurt you…”

“I’m ready for it, Nami. I’ve prepared…”

“So… you knew?” I asked, not exactly referring to Sora.

“I knew there was something on your mind since the day I met you.”

“Roxas…”

“But… that’s why I’m here.” He looked into my eyes. “I’m here for you. I’m here to make you happy.”

“No…” I tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let me.

“It’s about Sora, isn’t it?”

I felt like a knife had just pierced through my heart. “How…?” I wasn’t even able to finish my sentence.

“He told me about you.”

“…what?” My entire body shook. Roxas knew the entire time…

I was speechless. What could Sora have possibly said about me after such a bitter departure?

Roxas put his hands on my shoulders. “Namine?”

“W-what…” I choked.

“Sora regrets everything, but he told me you were better off without him.”

“That’s not true!” I yelled. “Sora was… Sora was…” I couldn’t say it.

“He said you were an angel. He felt like he didn’t deserve you at all.”

“No…”

“He loved you so much.” A tear formed in his eye. “But he asked me…”

I looked at him. My vision blurred from the wetness in my eyes.

“He asked me to give you everything he never could and make you the happiest girl in the universe. Sure, I felt a little strange because I hadn’t known him for very long, but he really meant that. He didn’t believe he could give you what you needed.”

“That’s impossible… Sora was the love of my life…”

Roxas flinched upon hearing that, but like he said, he was prepared. “And he said the same about you.”

“So WHY?” I screamed. “WHY DID HE LEAVE ME?”

“Because… he didn’t want to hurt you…”

“But he did! He tore me apart!”

“Namine…” Roxas said, “He… found someone else…”

I couldn’t breathe.

So I was right…

Sora left me for another girl…

Roxas hugged me again, this time a lot tighter. I couldn’t move—I was heartbroken.

What did I do wrong…?

Tears flowed down my cheeks like waterfalls. Everything hurt—my head, my throat from all the crying and most of all, my heart ached. It killed me…

Roxas just stood there without a word. Why did he even bother when he knew? Why did he stay with me if I loved someone else? What was his purpose?

“If…” Roxas paused, “If you ever have a problem… I’m right here. Namine, we don’t have to be in a relationship. As much as I love and care for you, like I said, your happiness is the most important. I’ve failed at giving you—“

“No… Roxas, it’s not your fault…”

“It is. I was supposed to help you through this…”

“I… can’t be helped…”

He looked at me in disbelief. “Namine, look where we are now.”

I turned my head. The boat was back at the dock and people were getting off. “Oh… I guess it’s over…”

“Don’t say that…” Roxas said, taking my words in a different context. A man came up and kindly asked us to get off the ship.

o.0.o

We walked along the streets side by side. Neither of us had spoken since we left the ship. The river was just as beautiful down here as it was on the ship, even though I wasn’t able to see it much. I leaned over the railing.

‘So that’s why… Sora…’

I was sad, but pissed at the same time. How in the world could Sora ever think he didn’t deserve me?

“Love is an endless river,” Roxas said as he came up next to me.

I had never noticed how much the river sparkled at night until now.

“No matter what path you take, Namine, my love for you will continue.”

“Roxas…”

“Do know this, though.” He looked at me. “I have no regrets.”

“Are you breaking up with me?”

“…It’s up to you.”

I gasped. In all actuality, I didn’t want to lose him either. Coming here I saw a side of him I never have before and it made me think a lot. Even though I still loved Sora, Roxas definitely had a place in my heart. I just hadn’t figured out what that was yet…

“Either way, I will always believe you were the one.”

Why did this have to be up to me? Couldn’t he just say it was over already? I’m sure he wanted to…

But he didn’t say anything.

“N-no…” I said, but it was inaudible.

“What?” Roxas asked.

“I…” I hesitated. “I don’t want to…”

“You don’t want to… what?”

Geeze, was he trying to piss me off?

“I don’t want to break up with you!”

In shock, Roxas said, “Y-you don’t?”

I shook my head. “No… I want to give you a chance…”

Even though I knew Sora was long gone, maybe the reason Roxas came into my life was for a new beginning. I never really thought about it before, but for some reason my heart was telling me not to let him go.

I had to listen to my heart this time.

“I’m so glad you said that.” Roxas smiled.

My face reddened. This was the first time I actually felt something for him more than friendship…

Roxas sighed and reached into his pocket. He pulled out a small, red box. My eyes widened. Before I could even get any words out, I saw him throw it in the river.

“HUH?”

Roxas watched until the water stopped moving from the splash and grinned. “That was probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, but…” He walked closer to me and took my hands in his. “I can’t ask that of you right now. That ring would’ve meant nothing.”

I tried to speak, but nothing came.

“Give me another chance, Namine.”

“…huh…”

I was still in shock. He just wasted a lot of money… but on top of that he was actually going to propose to me!?

“Will you?”

I’m not sure what came over me, but a flashed a mischievous grin. “Yeah… I will.”

“Surprise me,” Roxas said.

I got on my tiptoes and kissed him, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him closer. He definitely didn’t refuse and kissed me back.

This time around would be a whole lot different.

And despite my painful memories of Sora, for once I was actually starting to see Roxas for who he really was. Everything was fitting together now.

This was my reality.

We weren’t in a movie or a fantasy—we were right here, right now.

And I was happier than ever.

o.0.o

A/N: Wow, that took a LONG time! I really hope you guys enjoyed it. The only way I’ll know is if you leave a review… which would make me really happy! And… mind you, the sex scene was the first I’ve ever written but I tried my best. If you loved it, hated it, want to critique it, let me know!

And Feels Like Tonight will be updated soon.

Thanks!