So, not one of my normal fandoms but I honestly couldn't resist. If you've never heard of Ai no Kusabi then you should really do some research. It's epic and tremendously sad. I hope I've conveyed that at the end of this.

Disclaimer: I do not own Ai no Kusabi and make no profit from anything written using the characters from Ai no Kusabi.

Warning: Minor references to sex, MAJOR SPOILERS. Seriously, if you don't know how this ends already, then why are you here?

XXX

Regret

Iason had made the choice long ago to never regret rescuing Riki. He was a Blondie after all, and had to stick by his decisions (although Riki would swear blind that Iason never did). So the Blondie had never once regretted his decision to have Riki as his Pet. He might have become furious with his behaviour, punished him time and again, but never once did he entertain the idea that he shouldn’t have had Riki the Dark as his (beloved) Pet.

That alone was one of the reasons why he ignored Jupiter and Raoul’s frequent demands to leave Riki. Neither Jupiter nor Raoul could understand what he got from Riki. Raoul couldn’t (or wouldn’t) because to him Riki was an uncouth, violent mongrel who was worth less than toilet paper to Raoul. Jupiter was just a machine and couldn’t understand the myriad complexities of emotions and the pure basic need to love someone – partly because that particular need was all but eradicated in Blondies. Even mongrels, who desired companionship, never quite felt what Iason felt for Riki.

Iason was often forced into wondering what exactly Riki felt for him. He seemed quite adamant in desiring his freedom and stubbornly refused to admit any sentiment he had towards Iason except anger and hate. There had been several occasions where Iason had felt too disheartened by that that he’d left him alone, most notably the period that he had allowed Riki after three years of him being Iason’s Pet.

But the feeling always faded, replaced with the maddening need to possess every inch of Riki, the desire to mark Riki so that everyone who saw him could see that he was Iason’s, so that they could see that if he was touched by anyone other than Iason they would die a cold and painful death. Iason was well aware that Riki both loved and hated it when he was that possessive. Riki was far too proud to admit to it, but he loved having someone so much stronger than him possessing his body.

Not that Riki was weak. Not at all. He was more than strong enough to defend himself, but even the strongest of people would one day desire protection. And Riki desired it far more than he would ever admit. But that didn’t bother Iason. He enjoyed the struggle, the fighting, the verbal conflicts they always had before, after or during sex. He hoped that Riki never lost his pride or his fight. Sex with Riki would not be the same if Riki was not fighting up until the last moments.

At first Iason had wondered why Riki’s pride demanded that he fought his submission (not that it was submission, it never was) every step of the way. Riki was never going to tell anyone of what happened between him and Iason. Even if he did, Riki was unlikely to go into details. It appeared as though he merely needed to fight, just so he could say to himself afterwards ‘I only gave in right at the end. I didn’t want it. I don’t want it.’

Iason had never bothered to ask Riki, knowing that it would simply lead to Riki becoming defensive and argumentative, which would end up with Iason becoming angry which would provoke Riki into misbehaving. And such misbehaviour would always lead to Iason punishing Riki (which could lead to make up sex, but Riki always felt used and upset after being punished, so having make up sex did not occur very often). In the end neither would be particularly happy and Iason still wouldn’t know why Riki fought him while they were having sex. After a while Iason came to enjoy their sparring anyway and saw little point in asking Riki about it.

It was only after giving Riki his freedom for a year that Iason realised what he truly felt for Riki. It had not been a sudden revelation. He had been aware of the feelings that were developing inside him for some time and had attempted to prove to himself and to Jupiter that he didn’t care for Riki. He had proved the exact opposite, if only to himself.

In a way, Iason was pleased that Jupiter was unaware of his feelings (sometimes it felt wrong to call it love. Love was pure and honest and what he felt for Riki was anything but). She was a computer. She understood nothing of emotions. She had wanted her children, her Blondies to know nothing of emotions either. She had succeeded for the most part. Few Blondies displayed emotions. Fewer still felt them at the level that Iason and Raoul did.

Raoul had practically mastered feeling jealous. He had spent all the years Iason had Riki as his Pet being jealous. He was also fairly good at feeling shocked and worried for Iason. He obviously cared for and respected Iason and that drove him to try and protect Iason’s position. Iason was unsure of what he felt for Raoul. He cared for him, but none of his emotions reached the intensity they did for Riki.

Iason was well aware that he was not only brilliant but he was also the most well rounded Blondie. He was in a class of his own amongst Blondies. He often wondered why Jupiter hadn’t realised that he was a ‘failed’ Blondie who loved a mongrel and it was that that made him the most brilliant Blondie.

Iason was not often given to moments of introspection. He was extremely confident and extremely intelligent. Every move he made was carefully planned and thought out before he actually made it. But whenever Riki was around he was overcome with impulsiveness. The mongrel drove him to act without thought, without planning, without reason or logic. Everything was just done on impulse. Their very meeting was just an impulse he’d had, upon seeing the dark haired Ceres boy fighting and being pinned down. The laser knife had merely made him act faster. Then there had been the sudden desire to follow Riki, see what he could offer him, and that had led him to taking Riki home.

Sex with Riki had been completely unplanned. He might have briefly entertained the idea upon seeing Riki’s assets, but he was a Blondie – Blondies do not engage in sexual intercourse. So he had dismissed the idea, only to return to it time after time until Riki drove all thought of being a Blondie from Iason’s head.

Having sex with Riki once was not enough. Iason could almost relate to Guy – sex with Riki was indescribable. Riki knew he was good, of course, but even he had never thought that he could topple a Blondie. But he had and now he wished that he hadn’t.

Iason knew that Riki hated being his Pet. To Riki being a Pet was the worst thing ever. Even death would be preferable. But Riki was lucky, in a way. He was the only mongrel to have ever been a Pet and he was also the only Pet that any Blondie had fallen in love with. He was the only Pet that would dare to disobey so very consistently. All other Pets were pleased with their lot in life. They were happy just as long as they had a kind master.... until they were too old.

That had been another of Raoul’s objections. Riki had been seventeen when he’d brought him home – Iason had been well known for never buying any Pet older than sixteen and certainly never keeping one that was older than eighteen. But here he was, with a seventeen year old mongrel Pet who was always disobedient and frequently rude and uncouth.

Raoul had been even more shocked when he kept Riki for three years. Riki was twenty when he let him go. And he was twenty-one when he brought him back. Iason had almost enjoyed seeing Raoul have an apoplectic fit over his decision. It had been almost as gratifying as revealing to Raoul exactly what he felt for Riki. But then Raoul had been furious and told him how utterly stupid he was being. Iason had been left feeling slightly empty, as though everything was for nothing.

He had begun to regret revealing anything to Raoul, but he regretted nothing more than allowing Riki to see Guy one last time. Or he had thought it to be one last time. Riki had come back to him eventually and had sobbed, broken because Guy hated him and saw him as a failure. It almost broke Riki and he hated that – he hated allowing him to say goodbye.

But even now, sitting here waiting for death, his legs destroyed, Iason still did not regret saving Riki. He did not regret all the bad times they’d had, or all the good time. He did not regret all the sobbing and screaming and hatred thrown at him and he certainly did not regret the soft moans and cries and surprisingly tender love that Riki sometimes blessed him with. He did not regret all the pain and suffering that he had both inflicted and suffered, because without it, Riki wouldn’t have been Riki.

But most of all Iason did not regret what he had just done, saving Riki’s life at the cost of his own. No, he could never regret that, because he loved Riki, despite everything and he could never regret that.

As the pain grew, fire licking at his skin and the pain from his legs being all but destroyed, Iason knew that of all the things he did regret there was only one which affected him now.

He regretted more than anything that he had been unable to give Riki the life he deserved.

Pain clouded his senses and clogged his mind as Iason thought about Riki, his beloved Riki, who was now free of him – but at such a cost that Iason wished he could drag Guy down with him. He vaguely wondered how Riki would live now.

As he stared into the flames that were burning ever brighter he thought he saw a movement. Seconds later Riki was walking through fire a sad look on his face.

And Iason regretted in their last moments of life that he and Riki could never have their happily ever after.

XXX

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Rethira