Title: One step forward, two steps back

Fandom: Guiding Light

Pairing: Olivia/Natalia

Rating: G

Summary: Sequel to Ashamed, and part two in the What happens to us? Series.

Disclaimer: Not mine unfortunately.

AN: Ok so I decided to make it a series. I’m thinking another two or maybe even three parts. Enjoy-Xio

One step forward, two steps back

Natalia had headed straight for the Beacon, even though she wasn’t schedule to meet with Olivia for another two hours, after sorting things out in her mind. Not that she had actually gotten anywhere, not really, she was still as confused as ever but at least she knew where she had to be, where she belonged…with Olivia.

It was that newfound knowledge that propelled her across town.

There was still so much for her to think over, and even more for her and Olivia to talk about but she would sort all of that out later. For now the only thing she needed was to be with Olivia.

All she needed was to see Olivia, to touch her, and tell her in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t ashamed of what they felt. She had to tell her she wanted to try. Natalia had to tell her that she needed to try because if she let this go…if she didn’t appreciate the love God had given her then she really would be damned. She’d be damned for hurting herself and Olivia. She’d be damned for being too afraid, and she would drag Olivia down with her.

That was something she wouldn’t allow.

She had always tried to live her life to please God and she had made a lot of mistakes in order to do so, but she had always stopped herself before hurting anyone. God was love and he didn’t want us to hurt others to please him. That belief had always guided her, and that was what she had to hang onto now with more ferocity than ever because she couldn’t hurt Olivia.

Not Olivia.

She made her way through the hotel to Olivia’s usual suite, and let herself into the dark room slowly. She flicked on the lights and looked around, “Olivia? Olivia a you here?” She checked the bathroom even though she already knew Olivia wasn’t there.

She laughed at herself as she sat on the edge of the bed. This sort of thing only happened to her. She had never had a great sense of timing but this took the cake. Natalia closed her eyes and took a minute to pray. She prayed for strength and clarity, but most of all she prayed that the courage and certainty cruising through her at the moment wouldn’t leave her before she could talk to Olivia.

Natalia got up and was about to leave when Olivia came in. “Hey, what are you doing here?” Olivia asked looking surprised to see her.

“Looking for you.”

Olivia nodded as she tossed her purse and the file she was holding on the bed. “What for? I thought there was nothing on the schedule until ten.”

“There isn’t. I just need to talk to you.” Natalia couldn’t look at Olivia’s intense eyes so she looked down at the bed instead. A few papers had flown out of the file when it landed on the bed.

“About, what?”

Natalia felt her courage fanning and prayed again. “Is Emma at school?” She felt like a coward but she needed a minute, just one minute to gather herself again.

“Yeah, I just dropped her off. Natalia what’s going on?”

Natalia didn’t need to look up to know there was worry in Olivia’s eyes. She took a breath and readied herself to say what she had rushed over to say. “Olivia I…” Her eyes focused on one of the papers on the bed. They were upside down, so she reached out and righted them. They were flyers…flyers of houses for sale in the area. She felt her heart stop for a second and the words she was going to say lodged in her throat. She looked up at Olivia then, her eyes wide. “What is this?”

A flash of nervousness darkened Olivia’s eyes before they returned to their normal color. “Nothing,” she said trying to take the flyers from Natalia’s hands.

Natalia didn’t let go. “This is not nothing. Are you going to buy a house?”

“I can’t live out suitcases and boxes forever, right?” Olivia joked but Natalia remind serious. “Emma needs something permanent.”

“She has something permanent…”

“The Beacon isn’t a home.”

Natalia threw the flyers on the bed, “I was talking about the farmhouse!”

Olivia’s eyes watched her with what she could only guess was shock. She’d never really yelled at Olivia like that before. She’d never really yelled at anyone like that before.

“She has the farmhouse.” She forced herself to say calmly.

“Natalia…” Olivia shook her head.

“The farmhouse is our home.” Her voice was shaky, but she didn’t care.

Olivia reached out and lifted her chin so they were looking straight into each other’s eyes. “I can’t. I can’t be there with you everyday. I can’t wake up to you making breakfast. I can’t go to sleep after putting Emma to bed together. I can’t.”

“Why? Why not?” Her eyes began to sting then. She had come looking for Olivia to tell her she needed her. She had come to tell her that she wasn’t ashamed and to take her home. She had come to take her family home and now…

Olivia’s eyes where already red and filled with tears. “Because its not right. Because it’s an illusion of something I want but can’t have. Don’t you see? I…I can’t.”

“You can. You can! It’s our home.” She felt tears fall down her cheeks but she didn’t care. “It’s our home.”

Olivia let go of her chin and looked away. “No, it’s your home.”

She stood straighter as Olivia’s words cut through her, “I see.” She looked at Olivia for a few seconds, then stepped past her and out the door.

Natalia barely made to the elevator before breaking down. She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes.