I do not own Pride and Prejudice...but I hope you guys like this story.

The field stretched before me as I rode through, clouds of dust following my path and erasing the imprint I had made mere seconds ago, leaving the road as calm and undisturbed as it had been before I came by.

If only thoughts could be erased as easily! If only sentiments could fade away like the imprint of a hoof or a shoe on the ground after a storm! If only the past could be forgotten and impressions effaced as quickly as nature took its course after a disaster, life, mine in particular, would have been happier by a great degree!

But enough of this! I forced my horse into a gallop, as if I could outride my thoughts. I had already sworn to think no more of this matter, and I would defeat this! I was going to continue with my life without the thoughts of the bewitching Eliza Bennet storming my head at every waking moment!

I remained blind and deaf to the beauty of Derbyshire, a beauty that would have kept me transfixed any other time, in my haste. I wanted to reach Pemberley as soon as possible, and throw myself into all the business that waited for me there.

God bless unexpected engagements! God bless those that require immediate attention!

Pemberley is a large estate, the kind that demands constant care, and I found myself often being grateful for it. Even if my ancestors hadn’t engaged in all sorts of businesses, the responsibility for which I inherited, the house itself keeps me occupied for the greater part of my time, and it provides an excuse for me to be alone for a while. Only the Lord knows how much I need it right now! For, contrary to my expectations, the busy life of London and the company of the Bingley’s did nothing to take my thoughts away from what had happened in Kent.

The horse slowed his pace as we started to ascend a hill and with it, my mind also stopped its mad flight. Yes, I had left Rosings for London to forget what had happened there, although I should have known better than to expect that the ambience there would not fare better than the first time I had sought it, for nearly the same reasons. Perhaps I had thought that, once I heard from Miss. Bennet herself that she did not wish to be my wife it would be easier for me to forget her.

I should have known better than to be so arrogant...again

So here I was, riding towards my home in the hopes that the familiar corners and quiet hiding-places from my youth would remedy what London could not. The ride had not helped so far, and not for the first time in my life, I wished, rather than believed for something to be true.

Something did not let me rest, although I could not imagine what it could be. I had spoken to Miss. Bennet, I had assured her of the intensity of my feelings and seriousness of my intentions, she had stated, in return, the sentiments that forbade her to even feel ‘obligation’ for the acknowledgement I had made her, and then I had written her a letter in which I did my best to throw some light over my actions and contradict the lies that a certain man had obviously offered her as an explanation for my behavior back in Meryton. The whole interview, indeed, even our meeting afterwards, had gone quite well, quite calmly. There weren’t too many passionate outbursts, safe for my rightful indignation at the fact that she could possibly believe such falsehood…and hers, when she admitted that she knew what I had done to separate her sister from my friend.

Unconsciously, I pulled the reins and watched the beautiful scenery in front of me for a few minutes. The sky was more blue than I had ever remembered it, and in the distance, I could see the woods surrounding Pemberley. Resolute, I got off my horse and led it down to the small river that ran nearby to rest. There was no need to hurry, not now, when I was so close to the house. I could even walk the remaining distance, if I wanted. Maybe it would defer my work by a few hours, but I was sure that it would not be taken as a lack of civility by my guests. And, if anything could spare me the society of Caroline Bingley even for a few minutes, I would have been glad to accept it. To think that I ever considered her a preferable company to anyone…

I watched as the water flowed, still lost in thought. The serenity of the view calmed me, but it did little for my state of mind. Obviously, it would take more than a few parties to make me forget Elizabeth Bennet, but distractions of a more…darker kind naturally did not appeal to me, and I knew that, for anything in the world, I would never follow George Wickham’s lead.

A smile escaped me at the thought. Now there was something I could give credit for to my former companion. He’d left an example that was so easy not to follow that it had actually made me his complete opposite. Until recently, I was glad of it, but now the disadvantages of that fact were coming to haunt me. Apparently, I had wanted to be everything Wickham was not so badly that, in the end, I had become disagreeable company.

I fought the idea with everything I had. I did not care for people’s opinion, nor did I desire their approbation. Especially that of the citizens of Meryton. I certainly had nothing to do with them, and they should’ve had nothing to do with me. I strongly believed that, last winter. I was too proud to accept that I needed them as an acquaintance and that I would be pleased with their society. At least when it comes to one family, I know I have wronged terribly.

Maybe…had I known the lies Mr. Wickham was spreading, I would have acted somehow. I should have exposed him for what he was immediately-even my father, whose opinion of him was so exaggerated, would not have tolerated what he had done. However, I am not a spiteful person, and I could not stand the idea of those…simpletons knowing so much of my sister’s private affairs. To discuss her at their little assemblies and have pity on her! It appeared as the greatest offence, and I could not say anything else of Wickham’s past that would not have been taken as a jealous, lowly attempt to bring down a man with such goodness in his appearance. I knew better than to attempt anything like that.

He, of course, probably knew that if his false version of his past became known to me, I would contradict it, and waited for me to leave Meryton before he spoke of it. But, given what I had seen and had been told at the ball at Netherfield, he had managed to spread his poison, and into the heart that was the least immune to it, the heart that turned out to be one of the dearest for me. How he figured it out, I know not, but he certainly struck correctly and he struck deep.

No, this will not do, I thought. I cannot be so foolish as to blame George Wickham for my misfortunes, even though I may be entitled to. However, on the matter of Miss. Bennet’s heart, I could say nothing. Nothing of what had happened is the result of something I had not done myself. Had I been more open, more agreeable, at least to the person I loved, she might not have been so inclined to believe the lies, not without hearing my side of the story. I knew Elizabeth prided herself with her ability to read people well, and if she believed my letter, the truth might come as a great shock to her. However, I hadn’t meant to wound her as much as I wanted her to acquit me of cruelty towards that undeserving man.

Still, none of this justifies my behavior. I realize I looked like a hypocrite in her eyes, banning her connections as inferior to mine, and speaking of my motives for separating Bingley from her sister, when I was readily doing just the same. My poor friend! I did not want him to marry a woman who did not love him, but whose family would probably force her into marriage with him; and yet I offered myself so easily to be subjected to the same fate. Now at least I know how he feels. I should have known that it was the wrong thing to do, to approach her in such a way.

Not that I am ashamed of my feelings-disguise of any sort is my abhorrence, and I have learned to cope with the consequences of my…openness. However, I never learned how to profess them in the right way. Had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner…These words burned me like fire and ice at the same time! Indeed, why did I have to act so…pragmatic, so minimalist, so cruel! If I my feelings were strong enough for me to forego the inferiority of her connections, and the incivility of her relations, what did they matter? I needn’t have wounded her thus. Perhaps I would have been allowed to explain immediately my conduct. Perhaps, even if she did not have me as a husband, she would have had me as a friend. Given my current condition, even that would have been enough of a comfort.

I shook my head. But it was too late for that, was it not. I could not do anything. Even if she did believe me, something I daren’t hope for, she still would not want to see me. I got on my feet and took my horse by his reins, ready to continue my journey to Pemberley…

But for some joke of Fate or another, I decided to walk. My steward saw me and came to take my horse away to the stables, which left me to walk back through the garden to the house. I noticed that, despite my efforts, I had enough time to finish all my business and see that rooms are prepared for Georgiana, Bingley and the rest of the party. I had nearly lost all hope of avoiding Miss. Bingley thanks to business, when I saw the carriage that stood in front of the door.

Visitors? Surely, Bingely and the others could not have arrived so early. As I approached the house, I did not recognize the carricule, but then I noticed three figures walking out into the garden, accompanied by the housekeeper, and I decided that travelers decided to visit the mansion. It was not unexpected, although it left me puzzled for a while. Something in one of the figures reminded me of somebody.

No, surely…I shook my head, my mind was playing tricks on me again. There was no reason for her to be there! She had made it clear that she did not wish to see me again, why would she even come to my house? As impossible as it sounded, I hurried down the lane and then hid into some bushes near the spot I expected them to pass.

There was a gentleman and a lady with her. People of fashion, probably from London. I did not recognize in them any of her acquaintances from Meryton, but then I remembered she had relatives living in Cheapside…Perhaps those were the aunt and uncle Miss. Jane spoke of.

They walked in front, she walked behind them, her eyes lingering on every tree, every rock, every piece of grass. What was in that look? Was she pleased with what she saw? I could not see her face clearly, but I was sure it was her. Elizabeth Bennet…

She stopped and waited until her aunt and uncle were out of earshot, before she sighed. “And to all this I might have been mistress.” I heard her say, before she looked up and smiled. That smile…It was enough to make me love her more than before. It wasn’t self-conscious, it was more self-mocking. It was a smile that said: “I might have, but I am not, and I will be perfectly content.” I knew her mother would have thought otherwise, but it was obvious she hadn’t told her family of what had happened. If she had, she would not have been here.

She walked away, disappearing from my sight, but I could not hazard going after her and risk being discovered. I slowly rose and took a side lane, a lane that I knew would take me to the stables and hopefully, I would intercept them. Now that I knew she was here, I was not afraid to go anywhere, and her countenance gave me some hope that our meeting would not be as unpleasant to her as I believed. Even if it wasn’t, I did not intend to stoop to such petty things as spying on her while at my own home, and if I was given such an opportunity, I would not miss it.

Had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner…we shall see.

A/N-Review please.