A Treasure Planet Parody

Opening

NARRATOR: No, I’m not Morgan Freeman, goddamnit!

SPACESHIP: -is exactly what it says on the tin-

SPACE PIRATES: Arrr!

CAPTAIN FLINT: -is wicked scary-looking and awesome-

GIGANTIC SMILING CHILD: Oooooooh.

[So it turns out we’re in a little kid’s room, and he’s watching these events unfold in some kind of computer holo-book thing. A’ight. Mum bursts in and the kid is all ‘ooh I wanna read’ and she’s all ‘yeah okay’. Onward…]

NARRATOR: So The space pirates stole the treasure and maimed the crew and then disappeared into thin air…but in space…so more like thin…where the hell is all this air even coming from?

MUM AND KID: OOOOOOH. –is super cute-

NARRATOR: And so the scary-looking awesome Captain Flint stored all of his treasure on a planet that looks like someone slapped Saturn crosseyed. And nooo ooooone has everrrrrr foooound iiiiit…

KID: OMGPIRATES ARE SO COOL.

MUM: -razzbelly-

WARM MOMENT: -happens-

ZIPPY: Hey look, Stitch.

Twelve Years Later

JIM HAWKINS: -awesomes all over the place-

FANGIRLS: SQUEEEEEEEEEE!

ZIPPY: Pfft, what’s so great about Jim? He’s only a troubled, emotionally vulnerable bad boy with big blue eyes. Chicks never go for that type. Nope.

[So Jim is flying around on his awesomeboard, screaming ‘woohoo’ and flinging his rat tail about with giddy abandon, and then makes the stupid decision to go awesome around a construction site or something. Guess how that works out.]

ROBO-COPS: STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LAW.

JIM: Oh, crumbs.

Teh Benbow Inn

[Sarah Hawkins is running around, waiting tables and whatnot for her interstellar clientele. Included is Dr. Doppler—a Hyde-Pierce-o-riffic dog dude.]

FURRIES: =)

FROG CHILD: -stare-

DOPPLER: -awkward-

FROG CHILD: OM NOM.

DOPPLER: GAH!

SARAH: S’up, dawg?

DOPPLER: Oh, nothing. Just setting myself up as the comic relief for the rest of the film. How’s Jim?

ROBO-COPS: WE FLING YOUR DOOR OPEN.

JIM: -scowl-

SARAH: OMGWTFBBQ?!

ROBO-COPS: WE CAUGHT YOUR SON IN A RESTRICTED AREA AND HAVE CONFISCATED HIS AWESOMEBOARD. ANY MORE OF THESE SHENANIGANS AND WE’LL THROW HIM IN JUVIE.

JIM: -scowl-

ROBO-COPS: TA-TA, THEN. YOU FOLKS HAVE A NICE NIGHT. –exit-

INN PATRONS: -stare-

SARAH: Okay, your little ‘ooh look at what a rebel I am’ act? It’s getting old.

JIM: But mom-

SARAH: Do you want to end up as some roughneck’s bitch in prison?

ZIPPY: As opposed to ending up as some roughneck’s bitch in fanfiction…

JIM: -sad times-

Later, on the Rooftop of Silent Brooding

JIM: -sad times continue-

ALL OF THE SUDDEN: -spaceship goes CRASH!-

JIM: -scampers off- Are you in need of assistance, my good sir?

BILLY BONES: -is turtley enough for the Turtle Club- Graaah! Cyborg from HEEEELLLLL!

JIM: …Okay then.

Meanwhile, back inside Teh Benbow Inn

SARAH: -angst-

DOPPLER: Why so glum, chum?

SARAH: I wish my son was all cute and little again, like in the prologue, instead of being a wise-assed little delinquent…

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING: -thund and lightn-

JIM: -enters, supporting Billy Bones- Heeey, look what I found.

SARAH: -brain asplodes- GAAAAH!

BILLY BONES: -gasp rattle wheeze- Here boy, keep this safe. –gives map-

JIM: How the hell does a volleyball figure into this?!

BILLY BONES: Beeeewaaaaare the cyyyyyborrrrrrrg…-dead-

SHIPFUL OF DANGEROUS SHADOWY FIGURES: Hai u guyz!

JIM: -peers through the curtains-

ARRIVAL OF THE EVIL PIRATES: -is heralded by pretty, colorful flowers-

JIM: We must flee!

EVERYONE: -does so-

THE BENBOW INN: -burns to the ground-

SARAH: -sniffle- I hate this freaking kid.

Doppler’s Bachelor Pad

EVERYONE: -angst-

DOPPLER: I just wish I could figure the weird markings on the volleyball, but even with my amazing super geniusness I probably couldn’t even begin to-

JIM: -pushes buttons at random-

MAP: FWOOSH!

THE LESSON: Arbitrary Button-Pushing beats the hell out of Science

[And so the map-ball opens up and the entire room is consumed in glowing CG stars and swirly pretty stuff. Everyone’s like ‘oooh, pretty’ until Jim spots Crosseyed Saturn/Treasure Planet.]

JIM: TREASSSSSUUUUUUUUURE!

DOPPLER: OMG.

SARAH: No.

JIM: But mom, we could rebuild the Inn and I could have life-changing unforgettable adventures!

SARAH: NO.

DOPPLER: I’m coming too! -celebratory dance-

JIM: -emo speech with a side of cute-

SARAH: Oh fine.

CAMERA: -zooms in on the moon OMG WAIT that’s not the moon it’s a space port oh that is so cool!-

The Spaceport

[Did I mention it was super cool? Because it so is.]

JIM: -meanders-

DOPPLER: -clunks around in a crazy scuba suit-

ZIPPY: Why look, a ship called the RLS Legacy in an adaptation of a book by Robert Lewis Stevenson. Fancy that.

On Board The RLS Shout-Out

[The sailornauts are all doing natutical space stuff, I don’t know. But wait, this is a kid’s movie and we’re already seventeen minutes in without doing a fart joke!]

CRAZY FART ALIEN: -blat brrap squelch!-

DOPPLER: -series of raspberries and armpit farts-

ZIPPY: Well, that gets that out of the way.

MR. ARROW: -looks like someone put epaulets on one of the Easter Island heads-

ZIPPY: Oh, you know, I was really interested in what they’d do with Captain Smollett-

A CAT LADY IN THIGH-HIGH SHITKICKERS: -comes leaping and swinging in-

FURRIES: =D

CAPTAIN AMELIA: -starts Britishing all over the place-

THE WRITING: -is awesome-

ZIPPY: -jaw drops-

In the Stateroom

[Captain Amelia continues being British and the writing continues being awesome. In short, Doppler fails at hiring a respectable crew so Amelia locks up the map-ball for safekeeping, firing off excellent one-liners and quotables all the while. There is really no way to adequately describe how awesome this woman is.]

ZIPPY: Waitaminute…a strong, capable, witty, tough female character portrayed in a position of power and not defined by the men around her…in a Disney movie?

CHOIR OF ANGELS: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallelujah! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallelujah!

ZIPPY: -wipes a tear-

[Captain Awesome, having established her Made of Win status, sends Jim and Doppler to the galley because Jim’s going to be working for the cook. Way to keep the tourists busy, Cap. I remember seeing this in theatres as a teenager with one of my friends, who had been softly humming the Meow Mix jingle throughout the previous scene, and I was forced to elbow her in the ribs in order to shut her up, because I was super exited to see what they did with Silver.]

TEENAGE ZIPPY: Please not another singing Tim Curry, please not another singing Tim Curry…

FRIEND: Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow…

The Galley

[Jim and Doppler bitch and gripe about the Captain until Mr. Arrow gives ‘em the old ‘nuh-uh’ and we cut to…]

SHADOWY FIGURE: -whistling innocently-

ZIPPY: O___O Belly…

EVERYONE: -facepalm- Oh lord, here we go.

[Okay, okay, so I kind of have a jones for big chubby dudes. What of it? So our Silver steps out of the shadows revealing his crazy cyborg gear and Jim’s all like ‘omg cyborg’, and I’m thinking it’s a pretty safe bet that ol’ Silver jollies his roger with his left hand.]

SILVER: Arr arr, I’m just so boisterous and jovial! Just try to get over my boisterousness. I’m totally not evil or anything, matey!

JIM: -distrustful-

[His swagger being called into question, Silver must resort to trying to win them over with food. So he’s all like ‘choppity chop chop’ with his robohand and at one point he turns around and OMG would you look at those back rolls. Hell yes.]

SILVER: I bring you food!

DOPPLER: -om nom nom-

FLOATING EYEBALL: -stare-

DOPPLER: Eep!

SILVER: ROTFLOL!

ZIPPY: You’ve got to love a man who appreciates the humor in cannibalism.

SOME FLYING PINK JELLY MONSTER: Squee!

JIM: WTF.

SILVER: That’s Morph, my shapeshifting parrot equivalent.

MORPH: -squeak squeak chatter-

MR. ARROW: Well, then. You just enjoy ordering the kid around, I’m off.

SILVER: -spit take- Quoi?!

MR. ARROW: Neko’s orders.

SILVER: Yeah, but-

JIM: I don’t wanna-

SILVER: Kid hanging around all the-

JIM: Allergic to most spices-

MR. ARROW: …

JIM AND SILVER: -sigh-

[Mr. Arrow and Doppler go clunking off, leaving Jim and Silver aaaaaall aloooooooone…]

SLASH FANS: Oh yeah.

JIM: So, been hunting turtle guys or decimating local inns lately?

SILVER: Nnnnope. Hey, why don’t you go take the audience outside to watch the launch.

JIM: -glare- -exits-

SILVER: -broods- Methinks something is rotten in Denmark…

On Deck

[And so, the space ship takes off and it’s super cool. There’s rockets and shiny stuff and things exploding and air…in space…and space whales! Forget about the air! Look at the nifty flying space whales! Air? What air? Space whales! Oh, and look, the funny guy got squirted with goo! Ha ha, that totally distracts from the air!]

CAPTAIN AMELIA: -just standing around being awesome-

SILVER: My, don’t you just look spiffy, Cap’n! I must say I much prefer you as a redhead-

CAPTAIN AMELIA: Save it for your space port floozies, Mr. Roboto.

ZIPPY: Floozies, eh? Do tell!

SILVER: Damn, why is no one falling for my cutesy act today?

CAPTAIN AMELIA: BTW, isn’t that the kid I landed you with over there, not being useful?

SILVER: Heh…er…HEY JIM!

JIM: Hey, did you see those space whales-

SILVER: Guess who gets to spend hours mopping the deck? I’ll give you a hint: you do.

JIM: -frowny face-

Later

JIM: They just couldn’t lend me some of those dancing mops from Fantasia, could they?

PIRALIENS: Grr, we’re menacing!

SCROOP: -is a great big red spidorpian creature- Hissssss, I too am menacing!

JIM: Look how I express my rebellious and irreverent attitude even though you could easily peel the skin off my skull like a grape.

SCROOP: -pounce!-

JIM: -choke- -flail-

PIRALIENS: Woo! Violence!

SILVER: -suddenly there eating space fruit and being all nonchalant- S’up?

SCROOP: Uh…

SILVER: -practically breaks Scroop’s arm with his crazy robo-clamp-arm-thing-

MR. ARROW: RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH.

SCROOP: -glare-

[The piraliens disperse.]

SILVER: You’re supposed to be swabbing the deck, not setting up future plot points!

JIM: Hey, I was swabbing my ass off!

SILVER: You just get back to work, I’m going to go…uh…not discuss any dastardly plots with the other aliens.

MORPH: -chitter jabber squeak-

SILVER: Morph, you stay here and keep an eye on the kid because I’ve got to go be scary real quick and a cute little pink jelly monster would spoil the effect.

MORPH: -chirp-

The Galley

PIRALIENS: -just chilling out-

SILVER: RAAAAAWR!

SCROOP: I seriously hate that kid.

SILVER: I’ll handle the kid.

SLASH FANS: Oh, we just bet you will.

Laterer

JIM: So, like, thanks for preventing me from smartmouthing my way to an early grave.

SILVER: No probs. Didn’t your dad ever teach you to keep your fool mouth shut?

JIM: Actually, he set me up for some paralyzing abandonment issues and obvious need for an older male role model. Ahem.

SILVER: I think this calls for a male bonding montage!

The Male Bonding Montage

[For one horrifying moment I think Silver’s going to burst into one of Disney’s famous brain-liquefying musical numbers, but actually, we get a pretty decent blink-182 song. Well, alright! So the Blink sings about being rebellious and such while Jim and Silver engage in such wholesome, bond-forming activities as peeling space fruit, scraping space barnacles (?!), shadow puppets, and joyriding through some awesome CG backgrounds, interspersed with flashbacks of Jim’s dad being an asshole and leaving his family. Aw. But it’s okay, because he now has a new father-figure…with a great big sexy belly!]

The Longboat of Bromance

JIM: So…what’s up with your leg and arm and eye and such?

SILVER: Er…something cryptic.

JIM:…

SILVER: SNUGGLES!

JIM: Yay!

ALL OF THE SUDDEN: Something goes KABOOM!

SILVER: What in the name of all things sexually ambiguous…?

Up on Deck

[Bad stuff is going down, as we can tell because everything has gone all scary and orange.]

DOPPLER: A star has gone supernova!

AUDIENCE: -blink-

DOPPLER: That’s bad!

EVERYBODY: PANIC!

CAPTAIN AMELIA: -springs into action- I do believe it’s half-past AWESOME O’ CLOCK!

[The crew see to their lifelines before scampering up to take in the sails. One would wonder why—since they have all of this amazing technology--they’re using simple rope for something like this, but I suppose they spent all of their money filling space with air. One alien mans a huge laser cannon and obliterates flaming wreckage before it can hit the ship. Best. Job. Ever. But all of the sudden!]

DOPPLER: It’s devolved into a black hole!

AUDIENCE: -blink-

DOPPLER: That’s bad too!

EVERYBODY: SWEET FANCY MOSES!

[And so they are being sucked into the black hole. Captain Amelia is all like ‘Ronald Mc-Goddamn-Fucking-Donald!’ and Doppler is like ‘waitwaitwait we can totally escape!’ And the pirates have to climb back up and take the sails down again. Captain Amelia makes a point of having Jim check the lifelines so you juuuuust knoooooow that something bad is going to happen and someone is going to die.]

SCROOP: I’m still menacing! –cuts lifeline-

MR. ARROW: With my last breath, I curse Eisnerrrrrrrrrr! –blackhole’d-

DOPPLER: Here comes the last wave!

JIM AND SILVER: -fear cuddle-

THE SHIP: WOOSH!

THE MUSIC: -is victorious!-

COLOR SCHEME: -is no longer orange!-

EVERYONE: Yay!

SCROOP: The rock guy’s dead, BTW.

EVERYONE: Not yay.

CAPTAIN AMELIA: -wibble-

JIM: But…I…the…they were…but…

SCROOP: Teehee.

SILVER: -glare-

JIM: -lets the sad times roll-

Latererer

JIM: -emo-

SILVER: Hey, the-

JIM: -emosplosion- I SUCK AT LIFE AND EVRYTHING I TOUCH TURNS TO CRAP OH GOD WHY DIDN’T MY FATHER LOVE MEEEE!

SILVER: -ought to go into business as a motivational speaker-

JIM: -unleashes the full force of The Sad Face-

THE AUDIENCE: Ouch! My heartstrings!

JIM:…-headtummy-

[Silver’s all like ‘woah, didn’t sign up for this’ but after a quick glance around to make sure Pedobear isn’t watching, huggins ensue. I hereby present this movie’s Crowning Moment of Cute.]

SILVER: AHEM Well yeah you’d better head to bed now there off you go nighty night.

JIM: -puppy dog eyes-

SILVER: This will not end well…

SCROOP: -lowers webcam- Damn it! I sit up here and wait for three hours and all they do is hug?!

The Next Day

[Jim is awakened by his bunkmate, the crazy farting alien, just in time to find himself victim of one of Morph’s adorable little shenanigans. I’m sure everyone finds Morph cute and all, but frankly he/she/it annoys me and I would like to plop a dollop of whipped cream on top and eat him/her/it. Anyway, the adorable shenanigan leads down to the galley, where Jim chases Morph into a barrel andOHIT’STHATSCENE.]

That Scene

[The piraliens enter, causing Jim to grab his pink jelly monster and pray that he isn’t caught…wow, that didn’t come out right.]

PIRALIENS: Rabble!

SILVER: RAAAAAWR! Obey my orders or I will EAT YOU ALL.

SCROOP: My goodness, could I be more unpleasant?

SILVER: -slaps Scroop around like a pirate pimp- Don’t make me break my robofoot off in your narrow insectiod arse!

SCROOP: You’ve got a soft spot for the kid!

SLASH FANS: We know where it is, too.

PIRALIENS: omg

SILVER: STFU! I’m Rick James, bitch!

JIM: -wibble-

All of the Sudden!

PIRALIEN IN THE CROW’S NEST: Land ho!

TREASURE PLANET: Hai u guyz!

EVERYONE: Yay!

Back in the Galley of Sad

JIM: -sniffle- Strong Jim…strong Jim…I am the warrior…

SILVER: Oh…hi…

JIM: My heart will go on, bitch! –stabs Silver in the roboleg-

[And so Jim runs for it, and Silver gets all the Piraliens together to storm ze bastille. Captain Amelia continues being awesome, of course, and Jim’s about to make off with the map when THAT FUCKING PINK BLOB grabs it. There was a bit with Silver and Jim both trying to get THAT FUCKING PINK BLOB to bring them the map, but I was too distracted by my hatred of THAT FUCKING PINK BLOB to pay too much attention, and Jim grabs the map. Jim, Doppler, and Captain Awesome manage to snag a longboat and hightail it, but they get hit with a laser ball! Ohnoes!]

One Crash-Landing Later

[Captain Amelia is, of course, a woman, and this is, of course, a Disney film. So, what does this mean?]

CAPTAIN AMELIA: Ooh, I’m suddenly incapacitated and in need of male protection!

ZIPPY: Fucking Disney.

JIM: Well, at least I’ve got the map right here, safe and s-

MAP: -transforms into Morph- Teehee!

EVERYONE:…Shit.

JIM: -now wants to violently kill Morph as much as the audience does-

PIRALIENS: -fly overhead-

EVERYONE:…Shit again.

[So Jim’s sent off into the jungle with one of those awesome flintlock laser-guns to find shelter. Personally, I think that the good Captain just wanted to get the narrative to follow him somewhere else to spare us the sight of her Damselfication. As if Morph weren’t bothersome enough, we get introduced to this film’s other Jar Jar Binks equivalent in terms of ‘supposed to be cute/funny but just plain annoying’.]

B.E.N.: HAI!

JIM:…wtf?

B.E.N.: -is a loud and scatterbrained robot voiced by Martin Short-

EVERYONE: Oh, like we even needed this.

[Obnoxious as B.E.N. is, he is able to provide Our Heroes with a place to hide out, making him actually useful—which is a whole damn lot more than anybody can say for Morph.]

B.E.N.’s Lair

B.E.N.: -still annoying-

DOPPLER AND CAPTAIN AMELIA: -goo goo eyes-

B.E.N.: Hey, a bunch of scary-looking blokes with guns! HEY OVER HERE YOU GUYS!

[Calamity ensues with the involvement of laser guns, but with the aid of conveniently poor aim, none are hurt and my main man Silver waves the white flag of surrender. No, literally. I don’t know, maybe he made it from his apron. Yeah, he was wearing an apron in a couple of earlier scenes, it was so cute. Anyway, Jim realizes that the piraliens think they still have the map, and agrees to meet with Silver to discuss terms.]

Outside

JIM: -glare-

SILVER: I was just putting on a tough act for the guys, you know. That crazy fart alien gives one hell of a wedgie…

JIM: -glare-

SILVER: Hey, here’s a thought, hand over the map and I’ll give you half of the treasure. I totally won’t just take it and kill you. Promise!

JIM: Eat my shorts.

SILVER: RAAAAWR!

JIM: Ooh, here comes my irreverent attitude again.

SILVER: That’s. It. You can steal my treasure, stab me in the roboleg, and make me the victim of gay innuendo for the rest of eternity, but NO ONE MAKES FUN OF THE ACCENT.

JIM: And don’t let the door hit your mechanical Frankenstein ass on the way out!

And So

CAPTAIN AMELIA: -aimless incoherent invalid babble-

JIM: Hey, Doppler, care to be useful?

DOPPLER: Darn it, Jim! I’m an astronomer, not a doctor! I’ve given her all she’s got, Captain, and I can’t give her no more! Resistance is futile! Now stop being illogical and beam me up, Scotty! Live long and prosper!

JIM: -emo- Death…death all around…closing in…oh god…I’m going to die a virgin…

B.E.N: BTW, there’s a secret back way out of my lair.

JIM: Huzzah! I shall live to be deflowered in fanfic for years to come!

DOPPLER: Nuclear wessels!

Also

SLEEPING SILVER: -is super cute omg-

EVERYONE: Okay, this? This right here? Has to stop.

ZIPPY: Your face.

Aboard the RLS Shout-Out

[Having snuck aboard by way of stolen longboat, Jim sends B.E.N. off to drop a Hidden Mickey on the way to disable the ship’s laser cannons, while he goes off to find the map.]

THE MAP: -is found-

JIM: w00t!

SCROOP: Hey, I haven’t been resolved yet!

JIM: Eep!

[And so, Jim flees. At some point, Morph is all like ‘ooh look at me, I’m being funny again’ but then Scroop causes him/her/it to suffer, which is just gravy with this chick. As the exciting chase is going down, B.E.N. is screwing with a big panel of wires and royally fucking everything up because what in the short time you have known this jabbering nitwit has shown him to be at all competent or trustworthy with even the most rudimentary task, Jim? Anyway…]

JIM: My one regret is that I never learned the definition of irony!

B.E.N.: -accidentally shuts off the gravity-

SCROOP: -floats off to his death-

JIM: Ohhhhh.

Back at B.E.N’s Lair

JIM: Hey you guys, I got the map! It’s right here! The map! Map mappity map map map!

SILVER: -emerges from the lurking shadows-

JIM: Uh…I mean…I’m back from Walgreens with some of that special medicated shampoo!

SILVER: Yoink!

JIM: Oh, unicorn turds.

[The Piraliens are menacing and such, and hold everyone captive while Silver tries to open the map. Evidently he has never played with a Rubics Cube in his life, for he is unsuccessful.]

JIM: Teehee.

SILVER: Fine, you open it, little smartass!

JIM: -pushes random buttons without even looking at what he’s doing-

MAP: -beeb beep whirr click beep-

PIRALIENS: -entranced by the flying green sparkles-

SILVER: Hot diggity damn! Load up the hostages!

Teh Treasure Hunt

[The map shoots out a flying green light thingy that leads to where the treasure is, supposedly. The piraliens + Jim and co. pile into the longboat and follow it over the surface of the plan—holycrap was that a flippin’ centipede tree?! Anyway, at some point they all pile out save for one piralien, who guards Doppler and Captain Amelia, who is suddenly fully cognizant and in no pain whatsoever. Fancy that.]

Some Cliff

FLYING GREEN LIGHT: -ends in thin air-

ZIPPY: God, the GPS in my car does that all the effin’ time.

PIRALIENS: Violence!!!

SILVER: Do you see this face, Jim? This is not my happy face. You don’t want me to not have a happy face, Jim.

JIM: Oh look, a hole in the ground that’s the exact size and shape of the map. -inserts-

MYSTERIOUS THINGS: -happen-

STUFF: -whirr rumble clatter whoosh-

OTHER STUFF: -lights up-

PIRALIENS: wtf?

GIANT PORTAL: HAI U GUUUUUUUUYZ.

[So it turns out the entire planet is really a huge planet-sized machine.]

DARTH VADER: Bitches stole my designs!!!

[And there’s a holo-thingy that can open a portal to different places all over the galaxy which is how Flint did all of his pillaging. Okay, my GPS definitely doesn’t do that. Silver gets impatient and body-slams Jim out of the way (Yikes! Dude, be careful, Jim’s a little guy!) so he can arbitrarily push buttons on the holo-thingy to try to find the treasure. But as we all have learned, random button-pushing only works out for the young and pretty, so Jim recalls some piece of B.E.N.’s earlier random robo-babble about the treasure being ‘in the centroid of the mechanism’ and he opens a portal to the core of the planet and ooh looky…]

Bling Bling Y’all

[That is one great big huge assload of treasure, you guys.]

PIRALIENS: Yay!

SILVER:…-wibble- I promised myself I wouldn’t cry…

[As this greed-driven pirate joy is unfolding, I can’t help but remember the song from Muppet Treasure Island sung by Kermit and Miss Piggy while the pirates leap around and fling treasure hither and yon, and now I’m laughing and snorting Dr. Pepper out my nose.]

JIM: -spots a wrecked ship off in a treasurepile- Daring aeronautic getaway? Yes, please.

SILVER: -blissfully fondling treasure- No more big, hairy whores for me! No siree bob!

JIM AND B.E.N.: -clamber onto Ye Goode Shippe Escapemobile-

SKELEFLINT: Hai…

JIM: Hey look, there’s something in his skelehand that’s the exact size and shape to fit into that gap in the back of B.E.N.’s head –plugs in-

B.E.N.: BTW, this whole thing is booby-trapped like nuts.

EVERYTHING: -starts asploding-

PIRALIENS: FLEE!

JIM: I’m going to fix up the Escapemobile, you go get the other protagonists and if I’m not back in five minutes, flee without me!

B.E.N.: Nuuu! I won’t leave you behind, you’re young and pretty!

JIM: -deathglare-

B.E.N.: Okay bye then.

Meanwhile

[Doppler and Captain Amelia are still tied up in the longboat, still being guarded by a piralien.]

DOPPLER: -emo-

CAPTAIN AMELIA: Cheer up, you can drop a few more Hidden Kirks if you want.

DOPPLER: Oh, just face it. I’m comedy relief and I’ll never be anything more than comedy relief!

DEUX EX MACHINA: Hai u guyz!

DOPPLER: -frees himself through tiny-wrist-o-fying powers- Hey you! I’m taunting you! Taunt taunt taunt!

PIRALIEN: Rawr!

DOPPLER: BTW, this is your gun I’m currently threatening you with, isn’t it?

ZIPPY: May I present Doppler’s Crowning Moment of Awesome, ladies and gents.

Back Inside the Asploding Chaos

[So Jim’s got Ye Goode Shippe Escapemobile running and everything looks hunky-dory, when…]

SILVER: Hey, you! Check you out, what with having a boatload of treasure ready to escape the burning decimation and everything. Good for you.

JIM: Oh, hello. By the way, have you met my friend MR. STABBY MCBIGSWORD?

SILVER: -glower-

JIM: What is your issue with me anyway, man?! Okay, I’m sorry I cut up your striped pants and made tote bags for all of my friends, but I come from a poor family and we always make our Christmas gifts by hand and-

SILVER: That’s all well and good, but these damned red pants make my ass look like a blue ribbon tomato!

ALL OF THE SUDDEN: -laser goes BOOM!-

YE GOODE SHIPPE ESCAPEMOBILE: -is hit!-

[Jim plummets down a ravine towards a boiling river of space lava, but of course catches himself on an outcrop, while Silver’s got the edge of Ye Goode Shippe with his robohand. We have one of those Moments Where You Can Only Save One.]

JIM: -dangles helplessly-

TREASURE: -sparkle twinkle glimmer-

SILVER: -writhing vexation-

JIM: Ooh, he’s not getting the point, better plummet some more.

SILVER: DAMN IT. –saves Jim at like the last second omg-

JIM AND SILVER: FLEE!

Outside

JIM: -wibble-

SILVER: NBD, homey.

[The RLS Shout-Out glides into place, piloted by Doppler and backseat-piloted by Captain Amelia, who is incapacitated again because it’s convenient for dramatic tension to have the only other competent person unable to actually do anything. Jim and Silver clamber aboard and off they go.]

SILVER: Ah, Captain, how nicely the hellish glow of exploding doom highlights your cheekbones-

CAPTAIN AMELIA: I will see you hang, asshole. I will show up at your execution wearing a novelty tee shirt with a big foam finger and a Drinky Hat.

SILVER: -clearly has to work on his Game-

SOME SHRAPNEL: -takes out a sail and some of the engine-

B.E.N.: We’re not going to have enough power to clear the explosion, just so’s you know.

JIM: Sorry, but what none of you have realized is that it’s HALF PAST AWESOME O’ CLOCK.

[So Jim grabs a shred of metal and a broken-off engine chunk and is going to throw together an awesomeboard so he can fly back to the portal and hit the button that will open it to Montressor Spaceport, and how lucky that he’s got Silver, because that guy is like a Swiss army knife with a big cuddly belly. Just as Jim is about to set off…]

JIM:…

SILVER:…

SLASH FANS: Make out, make out, make out…

JIM: -awesomes off-

SILVER: I’m sorry, did the kid not tell you to TURN THE SHIP AROUND?

CAPTAIN AMELIA: You heard the foul mutinous carbuncle!

DOPPLER: Aye-aye!

Out Amongst the Shrapnel and Explosions

JIM: -awesome to the awesometh power-

FANGIRLS: -swoon-

ALL OF THE SUDDEN: -the engine poops out!-

JIM: -plummets into another lava ravine- Nuuuuuuu!

[But then Jim rams the end of the awesomeboard up against the wall and the friction generates enough heat to get it going again okay wait what?]

FILMMAKERS: Just go with it!

[Whatever. So Jim goes WHOOSH out of the ravine at the last second and hits the Montressor Spaceport button just in the knickers of time.]

Outside Monstressor

EVERYTHING: -is serene and peaceful-

ALL OF THE SUDDEN: -the plot appears!-

EVERYTHING: KABOOM!

THE SOUNDTRACK: -is once again triumphant!-

JIM: WOOOO!

SILVER: -robo-fives-

PIRALIENS: Yay! I mean, we’re still going to be turned in and executed for our numerous crimes but…um…

DOPPLER AND CAPTAIN AMELIA: -huggins-

[So Jim leaps back on board and everyone is like ‘omg Jim yay’ while Silver stands back in silent admiration and pridefullness AND NOT IN A GAY WAY.]

SLASH FANS: Awww.

Down Below Deck

SILVER: La la la, stealing a longboat with which to make my escape and no one is the wiser-

JIM: Well, helloooooo.

SILVER: Oh hi I was um just um…

JIM: Shut up and hug me.

MANHUGS: -happen-

SLASH FANS: Bow chicka wah wah…

SILVER: BTW, you can have Morph, because I’m sick of looking of looking at him/her/it.

MORPH: -squeak jabber chirp-

SILVER: -dumps all of the treasure out of his pockets- I think this should cover the decimation of your inn.

JIM: -goo goo eyes-

SILVER: -awesomes off-

CELINE DION: Neeeeeeeear, faaaaaaaaar, whereEEEEEEEEVERRRRRRR YOU AAAAAARE…

The Classic Disney Happy Ending

[There’s a big to-do for the grand re-opening of the now pimped-out Benbow Inn. Aliens are partying, B.E.N. is now apparently working at the Inn and ooh look there’s Doppler and Captain Amelia who now have four adorable sexually dimorphic children WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?!]

ZIPPY: …Word of God mpreg does make it easier to accept.

[And then Jim shows up, heralded by the robocops with a nice new suit and a haircut. Happy times are had. Aw, look, Jim’s the sort of dude who isn’t embarrassed to dance with his mom. Go him.]

FANGIRLS: -have fainted dead away-

[Oy.]

At Some Point

JIM: -gazes serenely out the window-

CLOUDSILVER: Siiiiiiimbaaaaaaaaa…

JIM: wtf?

FIN