Save Me, Love Me

Summary: Tom realizes, unexpectedly that he's in love with Kathryn. But it seems as though she has set her hearts desire upon another, causing him anguish. Written from Tom's Point of view.

Warning/Disclaimer: Adult content. Own nothing. Everything belongs to Paramount.

Pairings: Janeway/Paris new romance & Suspected, Janeway/Chakotay past romance

A/N:This story is season two based, and takes place shortly after 'Resolutions'.

Chapter One:Realization

Tom was making his way to the bridge when he spotted them not far up ahead preparing to enter the turbo lift. He felt something sting within him at the sight of them being all comfortable and bantering with each other. The Ex-Maquis Commander said something that caused her to laugh and he winced in pain, wishing that it was he that made her laugh, like it used to be before the stupid planet incident. He hid off to the side, pressing his back up against the wall, in-case they turned around and spotted him.

He didn't know how it happened. It just did, slowly crept up on him without him even knowing it. And now he wished that it hadn't happened at all. That he hadn't fallen for her.

He realized it a only few short days ago. When the senior officers were all having dinner together in the mess hall, celebrating her and the commander's return from the planet they named 'New Earth'. She was being all chummy with Chakotay, which surprised him. He wondered if something was going on between them? That something might have happened between them on the planet. The thought of it made his eyes narrow suspiciously, his fist clenched angrily underneath the table and the feeling hit him like a ton of bricks. Jealousy. His eyebrows rose in shock. Why should he be jealous? It's not like he cared for her in that way right? He tried to shove the feeling aside, but it just got worse. And that's when he realized it.

'Oh no!' was his only thought as he looked back up at the two across the table still yakking away like no one else was in the room that could overhear them. He for one couldn't hear what they were saying. The whole outside world seemed to darken around the woman he couldn't take his eyes off of. He told himself that even if she did have feelings for Chakotay, her starfleet protocols wouldn't allow her to have such a relationship with him or any other member of the crew for that matter. And he knew that she would never allow such a relationship to form while she was in command of the ship. The thought saddened him more than he thought it would.

“Tom, you alright?” he heard Harry's voice from the side ask. He shook his head as the darkness lifted and turned to his friend, giving him a forced smile to show him he was alright, even though he knew he wasn't all right. Not alright at all.

“I'm fine Harry. Just thinking is all,” he replied, hating to lie to his best friend. But how could he tell anyone this. That he was in love with Kathryn Janeway.

“You sure?” his friend pressed on. Tom gave his shoulder a friendly squeeze, letting him know that he was grateful for his concern, but that it wasn't necessary.

“You worry too much Harry. It'll send you to an early grave if you don't watch it,” his voice was harsher than he intended and he sighed apologetically at the hurt look Harry gave him. “I'm fine Harry. Honestly.” he falsely assured as he went back to his food, suddenly losing his appetite. He pushed the plate aside then rubbed his head as he leaned backwards into his chair, trying not to look their way.

Back at the present, Tom shook his head to rid himself of the memory that had completely made his life a living hell since that fateful night when he realized that his feelings for his Captain had changed from a comfortable friendship to wanting her as a woman, a friend and a lover all in one. He had never wanted anyone like this before. And in some ways it scared him.

He looked back to the turbo lift to find that they had already entered it and were on their way to the bridge by now. He sighed, pushing himself from the wall and made his way to the turbo-lift, not really wanting to go to the bridge. Because she was there and he was going to be there with her. He didn't really feel like hearing their more than friendly banter as of late from behind.

A short while later, Tom sat the colm. He had put it on auto pilot, because there wasn't really much going on outside and it gave him time to think about things.

He heard Chakotay say something to her that set him off and he turned his chair swiftly around to face the other man angrily.

“It's not going to work you know?” he hissed, knowing that he just made a huge error in judgment as the bridge crew looked up in his direction. But he wasn't about to be the coward and back down now as he continued to glare at the commander, clenching his fist angrily at his sides as stood.

“I beg your pardon Lieutenant?” he heard the warning in her tone to drop whatever he was about to say. He did back away then. He didn't want to make her upset. He would do anything she asked. But it hurt too much being in this close a proximity to her. He sighed deeply and nodded then rubbed the side of his head frustratingly.

“Permission to be excused from the bridge Captain,” he requested as calmly as he could, trying to hide the hurt behind his eyes.

“My waiting room Lieutenant. Now,” she ordered getting to her feet and led the way to the destination mentioned.

Once the door was closed behind him, Janeway rounded on him angrily, “Would you mind explaining to me what that was back there, Tom?”

“I'm sorry Captain, I don't know what got into me,” he tried to apologize. Pleading with his eyes for her to forgive him. Her eyes suddenly softened as she folded her arms across her chest.

“Is everything alright Tom? I've noticed that you seem, preoccupied the last few days. If somethings bothering you, I want you to be honest with me. Maybe it will help, whatever it is.” Tom shook his head. Nothing could help him with this. Especially not her. He looked back at her then and couldn't help but stare a little. She was so beautiful. What he loved most about her was the eyes. Almost the same soft blue color of his. She tried to hide behind them, built up barriers around her heart, but he could see through them like the depths of an ocean, knowing that, on the inside, was a lonely woman, who needed some love, attention if anything. And he's always been the one there to provide it. The attention part that is.

Now though it seems that she wants that attention from another and he hated it. He loved to be the cause of her laughter, to see her eyes shine brightly or mischievously when they found his. To make her smile. “Can I go now, Ma'am?”

The Captain seemed hesitant, but in the end nodded and let him go. He quickly left, the temptation to kiss her too strong. He went to his quarters to try and relax, to put his aching heart at ease, but nothing was working. 'What am I going to do?' He cried inwardly as he sat on the sofa, letting his head drop in his hands, trying not to cry. Why? Why did this have to happen? Why did it have to be her? Why not someone else that I knew I could have? It just isn't fair.

'Life's not fair Lieutenant' his conscious that always sounded like her reminded him. He groaned rubbing the back of his neck irritatingly. He couldn't even hide away from her in his quarters. She was always there to remind him of what he couldn't have. “Pull yourself together Tom. Your better than this.” Tom smiled at that. She was always encouraging him to be better then he was. And he couldn't be more grateful to her for it.

“Yes, ma'am!” I'm not actually here Lieutenant remember? There's no need to talk to yourself, he then heard his conscious giggle, giggle.

“God I must be going crazy.” He lifted his head up, unshed tears forming in his eyes and he braced himself from the inevitable against the back of the couch.

'Yeah, crazy in love!' another fit of giggles. He pressed his hands against his ears, instinctively. “Stop it!” he shouted, realizing a second later that he was only shouting at removed his hands from his ears and stared blankly up at the ceiling.

“What am I going to do?”

'Tell her how you feel.'

“I can't do that.” He sniffed and wiped a tear rolling down his cheek.

Why?'

“Because I think she's wants someone else.”

'Wanting is very different than being in love, Tom.'

“I know, it's just, I can't tell her, not ever.”

“I can't force you to, but I believe in you Tom. And I know that you'll make the right decision.'

His doorbell chimed then and he looked up at the doorway, “Come in.” The door slid open and Tom wasn't surprised to see Harry step in still looking as worried as ever.

“You lied,” his friend chided, sounding a little disappointed in him.

“What are you on about Harry?” His defensive mechanism kicking in. Warning him not to let anyone get too close. It only hurts you in the end.

“Your not fine Tom. I think your hurting, suffering even and it's because of her isn't it?” Tom shook his head. Why couldn't Harry just leave him alone.

“I don't know what you're talking about Harry?” he denied glaring at him a little.

“Captain Janeway!” Harry snapped. “I saw the way you looked at her on the bridge. I know that look. You were jealous of the Commander, I could tell. You've got to do something about this before it gets out of control and you end up putting yourself in the brig. I hate to see you like this Tom. Your my best friend.” Tom looked away feeling ashamed for the way he's treated Harry the last few days.

“I don't know what to do Harry. I've never felt anything like this before and its scaring the living daylights out of me,” he cried openly, dropping his head in his hands again and he couldn't stop the tears from falling. He felt Harry sit besides him on the couch then began to rub his back comfortingly.

“I can't tell you what to do Tom. But, maybe you should consider talking to her about it?” He lifted his hands from his head at this and looked painfully at Harry. He was letting it all out, knowing that Harry could see straight through his lies anyway.

“She can't know. You have to promise me you won't tell her Harry. You have to promise not to tell anyone. Ever. Promise me.” Tom hated to beg, but couldn't risk word getting out that he was in love with the Captain. No one would ever understand. Harry sighed and nodded.

“You know me better than that. I won't say anything. But I really think you should. For your own sake.” He grinned a little. “And anyway. Where's the Tom I used to k now, who wouldn't let anything stand in his way of getting what he wanted? Let alone starfleet protocols. I only want you to be happy Tom. And if she makes you happy, then you have my support if it makes things any easier for you. I want her to be happy too. I care about her very much. And I really don't think there's anything going on between her and the Commander. They're just really good friends from the sound of things. I say take the chance while you can,” Tom knew that he was trying to cheer him up a little and he hated to admit that it was working. 'Leave it for Harry to put things in prospective for you.'

“Thanks Harry.” Harry gave him a pat on the shoulder as he rose off the couch, getting to his feet.

“Anytime. If you ever want to talk about it. I'm only a comm line away.” With that Harry left his quarters and Tom was once again sitting alone and lonely in his dim lighted living area. It did help to have someone to talk about this with. And Harry really started to make him think that maybe he should tell her how felt. He was right about one thing, Tom Paris isn't one to back away from getting what he wanted, what he yearned for, what he loved, cherished and desired. But still, it was her. Even if he did tell her how he felt, there was no chance that she'd feel the same way, so what's the point? And even if she did. She wouldn't allow a relationship with him to form because of those damn starfleet protocols.

He racked his fingers through his hair frustratingly. This really sucks. Help me! Somebody please help me! He cried on the inside. He felt as though he were being sucked further and further into the depths of despair where no one cared. He wanted Harry to come back and save him. He wanted to go and find Kathryn right now and show her how much he loved her. But he couldn't and it was eating him up inside. He laid on his side on the couch and cried, until he finally felt exhausted enough to finally fall asleep.

TO BE CONTIUED!

A/N: Sorry to have to end it here. But I'm afraid I too must get some sleep. Hope you all enjoyed this chapter. And please do review! They really mean a lot to me!.