Disclaimer! All fictional entities featured belong to Sega and Yuji Naka; I rented. Except Eekee-Eekee the Monkey; I own her.

Inspired by the old nursery rhyme. Rated Teen for depictions of a shady lifestyle, language, gun violence, alleged death, and absurdity. I'm hoping that Eek isn't a Mary Sue, and that I'm not giving the impression that Fang's a loser. The switching back and forth between past and present tense was kind of intentional, since this is Fang narrating the story.

POP!

Now, don't take it the wrong way when I say I've got a problem; Fang the Sniper ain't no limp-wristed crybaby. I'll easily deal with it like I have all my other problems.

But the truth is, I've got me a problem, a pest problem. It's not rats or roaches, termites or even mold. I've got a monkey on my back. It's only one, but it's worse than a hundred monkeys combined.

I don't know where this joker came from, but I remember when and how it all started: on a lazy, hazy afternoon in my shack, counting up the spoils from another bank robbery. Since that lousy company Sega laid me off back in '96, I've been making a living by hunting treasure, or raiding a museum, where you'll find most of the treasure, nowadays. Half the time, it doesn't pay as much as I'd like, but it puts meat on the table...and women in my bed, heh-heh.

Ahem, anyhow, I was sitting with my feet propped up on the table, the ceiling fan providing mimimum relief from the heat. I fingered every Ring in that sack like a fine piece of jewelry, even slipping a couple onto my fingers. Under the sunlight pouring from the window, they gleamed like tiny stars. I was grinning so much that my face hurt, but I couldn't care less. When you've got money on your lap, nothing bothers you: not the heat, not the ache in your cheeks, not even the thumping going on over your head.

Well, okay, the thumping got kind of obnoxious after a while; it drowned out the melodic jingle of my Rings when I rattled them around in the sack. Eventually, I growled and shifted out of my seat to check things out (I was in such a comfortable position, too!). I had my trusty silver Magnum in my holster, ready to blow up whatever was making all that racket to smithereens.

When I stepped outside, I expected to find a couple of squirrels or some other small vermin fooling around on my roof. I didn't expect to find a monkey up there, especially not an orange one in a banana-yellow leotard, doing something that looked like a jig on its paws.

The monkey didn't notice me at first; it did a quick flip in mid-air before landing on its feet, its long tail twirling around like a ribbon.

So I got its attention by pointing my Magnum at it and growling, "'Ey! Who're you to monkey around on my property?"

The monkey stopped prancing around, its lime-green eyes twinkling in some sort of infantile expression that you can only find on...well, monkeys. Hard to believe that people evolved from them. But then, if they did, that would explain a lot.

First thing I noticed was that the monkey was actually a girl, though not one of those good-looking, bosomy ones that I like. She didn't even look a day over twelve years old. Second thing was that all she could say was:

"Eekee-Eekee! Eek!"

That figured. "Feh! 'Eekee-Eekee' to you, too! Now get off my roof before I blow you away." I aimed my Magnum at her feet, real close to pushing the trigger.

The monkey must not have comprehended the awful spot she was in, because she gave me this broad, stupid grin that showed off all of her teeth, which looked like she'd never ever heard of dental hygiene, might I add. To my surprise, she did kind of know how to talk, after all.

She piped up, "Eekee-Eekee! That's Eekee-Eekee's name, guy: Eekee-Eekee! Call Eekee-Eekee Eek. Play that tune again, guy!" Monkeys can't speak proper English.

I raised an eyebrow and lowered my weapon. "What tune? I wasn't playing no tune."

That Eek character clapped her hands. "Yes, you did, guy, that lovely jingly-jangly tune! Eek loves jingling-jangling, guy. Eekee-Eekee!"

It took me a couple of seconds to figure out what the hell she was talking about, but when I did, I went right back to aiming my gun. "Look, you, if you're talking about my Rings, go get your own! Those Rings are mine!" By that point, I suspected that Eek was thinking about running off with my hard-earned treasure, so I acted before she could make a break for the window.

BANG!

I tell you, I never get tired of the way my gun feels in my paw after firing, the way the shot rings in my ears almost the way a Ring does, the satisfaction of having put another bozo out of their misery...

...except for this particular bozo, on account of all she had to do was leap for the antenna and my bullet missed her by the fur on her tail. Seemed that I had myself one of those annoying acrobatic types.

She sat perched on top of the T.V. antenna, scratching the top of her head. "Your name is Pop, guy? Eek likes that name, her mouth pops when she says it! Pop, pop, pop, goes the weasel!"

Pop? That reminded me of the time Sega made me give up my Magnum for a cruddy toy gun that shot corks instead of real bullets. No one's been able to take me seriously ever since.

I gritted my teeth and had another go at her.

BANG!

This time, Eek rolled backwards off the roof, falling on the other side of the shack. I smirked. I knew she couldn't get away.

Triumphantly blowing out the fresh smoke pouring from my gun, I sauntered around the corner to see the mangled, bloody mess that I assumed was left of that dumb monkey. Instead, an orange and yellow blur whirled over my head, accompanied by a wind that left me feeling as though I'd lost my hat.

As a matter of fact, I did. Eek was right behind me, waving my hat around like a captured flag and squealing with delight. "This game is fun!"

It could've been my blood boiling, but suddenly the day had gotten three times hotter. I'd teach her not to make a monkey out of Fang the Sniper!

BANG! BANG! BANG, BANG, BANG! I got so trigger-happy that the entire yard was soon shrouded in dust. I squinted against the cloud to find my target; sure enough, I caught a glimpse of the tree-top when it all settled. Monkeys always retreat to the tree-tops. There she was on the highest branch, standing on her paws. My hat was wrapped up in her tail.

So I aimed for her forehead and pushed the trigger one more time:

Click.

The only thing worse than getting harrassed by a dumb monkey is running out of ammo when you've finally got a clear shot at blowing its brains out. Guess what? That's exactly what happened.

"Uh-oh, Pop ran out of pop? Eek-Eek-Eekee!" cackled Eek, wiggling her legs in mid-air.

In a fit of disgust, I jammed my Magnum back in its holster and started springing up towards the limb on my tail, my fingers grabbing at the air. Eek wasn't the only one with a functional tail.

"Give--me--back--my--hat--right--now!" I grunted in between pants. "Or--I'll--cut--off--your--paws--and--use--them--as--ashtrays!"

Eek held my hat in front of her face as I leapt onto the tree trunk and started to worm my way up. Just when I thought I'd gotten close to bringing her down, she relented, "Okie-dokie!"

She slammed my hat down on my head right when I'd reached her branch. The only reason I fell out of the tree was because it turns out that somehow, when I wasn't looking...

...she'd filled up my hat with yogurt. I hate yogurt, especially the kind that tastes like fruit!

So I ended up on the ground, wiping yogurt out of my eyes and behind the ears, while that banana-biting brat hopped out of the tree, clapping her hands and dancing around me in a circle. All she needed was a pair of cymbals and she would've been all set.

"Your hat is no ten-gallon, Pop! More like a half-pint! Eekee-Eekee-Eek!" The tip of her tail brushed against my nose, made it twitch something fierce.

"Rrrrr...c'mere, ya little--!"

I made one last dive after her, but all I got was a faceful of dirt. On the bright side, at least I'd chased her off before she could get her grimy monkey paws on my Rings.

I didn't see that brat again until about four days later; by then, I'd completely forgotten about her. I was coming back from a night on the town, and had with me a gorgeous girl I'd managed to lure with a pinch of smooth-talking and charm. I'm a Class-A ladies' man, see: I've scored more women than that blue snot Sonic has scored points since his career started.

Anyhow, this girl--I think her name was Sharlene or Sheryl, I don't really remember, not that it's relevant in any way--and I stopped in front of the door. The moon was out, the air was balmy, conditions couldn't have been any better.

"So this is your place? What a cozy cottage," my girl marveled.

I leaned extra-close against her. "Not as cozy as we're about to get, babe," I whispered into her ear all husky-like. Women go nuts when you talk to them like that.

I had in my hand my wallet, stuffed to the seams with Rings. Just to tease her, I held it up and shook it a little. It also helps for a wolf like me to have money on him; money to women is like catnip to cats. Sharlene happened to be a cat, by the way, and the tinkling of my wallet got her frisky real quick. She put her paws over my chest, rubbed up under my chin, purring like a motor. I'll bet she was looking to do it right there on the step; not that I'd complain...

...except that's when she sprang up, like a brush against my knuckles. I don't know where she came from, but I can tell you what she did: do that stupid, twirly monkey dance in front of my door.

"Night-night, Pop!" In one move, she managed to kill the mood, swat it like a fly.

I wish looks could kill, because if they could, I wouldn't have to worry about running out of bullets. "YOU? Will you get outta here?" I bared my fang at her, which had her bearing her own teeth in reply.

"Eek wants her own jingle-jangle, please! You have lots of jingle-jangle, don't you?" She had the nerve to snatch my wallet and start to tug. There was no way I was gonna let go of a single Ring without planting a bullet in that primate's brain first! Granted that she had a brain.

That's what I would've done, if I didn't have both hands on my wallet, locked in a goddamn tug-of-war with Sheryl playing it safe on the sidelines. She didn't once step in to help me out, not that I expected her to. I'm quite capable of fighting my own battles, though I gotta admit, Eek was small, but she had quite a grip.

Just when I thought things couldn't get worse--

Rrrrrip!

The next sec, I was on my bum with tattered wallet clutched in my fist. The sight I beheld was a nightmare: hundreds of vulnerable Rings bouncing onto the ground, clinking against each other; sounded like pitiful crying in my ears. Normally, I couldn't care less about crying, but if it's from a Ring...well, then it's different.

"NO! My babies!" My instinct kicked in, and I lunged forward to collect my Rings into a pile in my arms. Unluckily, Eek was getting as frantic as I was; not the same kind of frantic, but frantic, nonetheless. Her eyes were shimmering almost as brightly as the Rings themselves.

"Eekeeeeeeee!"

She managed to hoard a pile about as big as mine, slipped them on her tail so she looked like a lousy lemur with gold rings. Whatever didn't fit on her tail, fit on her skinny wrists like bracelets. Then she bounced over my head--I near busted my nose through three Rings--and scrambled up the gutter pipe, squealing and jingling to her heart's content all the way.

I hardly staggered back on my feet when Eek sent one more surprise my way: more yogurt.

Good news? I managed to duck and avoid the attack.

Bad news? Sharolette was right behind me, probably trying to beat it. The result?

SPLAT!

Gathering up my Rings, I rushed over to her as fast as I could, feigning a wide-eyed concerned look. Even after all that happened, I thought maybe I could still salvage whatever mood was left and score. I took her by the paw and asked, "Oh gosh! You all right, babe?"

Underneath all that nasty yellow glop, she gave me this really dirty look--not the kind I was hoping for--as well as something else.

BAM!

Right in the kisser! How could she punch me, for what the monkey did? That hussy! I didn't get the chance to see her off on account of I was seeing Chaos Emeralds whirling around my head, and let me tell you, I felt as far from super as was possible.

But despite my pending concussion, that was also the moment I decided that I needed to step up. Eek could fill up my hat with yogurt, she could botch my dates...but when someone makes off with even a couple of my Rings, that's when the blood'll spill.

One way or another, I'm gonna pop that monkey!

Being the incredible mastermind that I am, I figured out what makes that monkey pop in and out: Rings. She's been showing up every single time I jingle my Rings. Okay, I still didn't know where she came from, but you can bet I knew how to lure her out.

Two days after, when my nose felt a little less sore, I looped a string through a couple of Rings, then tied the string to the end of a branch on the tree, like a wind chime. It happened to be a breezy one, so all I had to do was hide in my shack until she showed up, my Magmum pointing all sniper-like out the window.

When the Rings started to sway back and forth, I grinned. It wouldn't be long before those giant ears of hers picked up the gorgeously fatal tinkling. And as soon as she'd be in range, my bullet would seal her fate. Lucky for me, I didn't have to wait too long.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of orange and yellow bounding down the road on all fours (rather than on two, which just goes to show how backwards monkeys are), sticking out like a sore thumb against the sharp blue horizon. It had to be Eek because this character had a long, ribbon-like tail trailing after her, wearing a couple of the Rings she had snagged from me like a keychain. Like I so cleverly predicted, she stopped in her tracks, her ears twitching with intrigue.

It took her five seconds to look at the tree and notice those Rings hanging there, and when she did, her eyes lit up like green Christmas lights. Her tail jingling after her like a ribbon with bells tied to it, she diverted from the road and started to dance toward the Rings, "eeking" with every bounce of her heels. You should've seen the clueless look she had on; I almost felt sorry that I was about to blow her away...almost.

In fact, I started to sing a little tune under my breath. I don't usually do that, but hey, I was in the moment.

"All around the mulberry bush,

The monkey screwed with the weasel,

The monkey had it coming along--"

She stopped underneath the Rings, her paw fondling them the way a monkey would, a huge grin plastered on her face.

BANG!

My Magnum exploded in my hand like my heart against my ribcage. She did this limp backflip before collapsing to the ground in a cloud of dust, because monkeys don't die like normal people should.

Not that that dampened the victory. I bounced out of the window on my tail, cheering, "POP! POP, goes the weasel!" I blew out the tail of smoke pouring from my weapon, then hopped over to see if I had really gotten her, this time. She was on her belly, face in the dirt, one arm tucked underneath her.

I touched her with the tip of my toe once, twice, three times. No twitch, no stir, nothing. I'd gotten her, all right. I would've taken a little more time to gloat over my accomplishment, but I still had to dispose the body. Fortunately, it didn't take me too long to figure out how.

I ran back into my shack and found the biggest burlap sack I could find. I'll admit, it was kind of disgusting, picking up the dead monkey by the tail and shoving it in there; monkeys are even grosser dead than alive, I guess. I noticed a pink gooey spot on the ground where Eek lie. I kicked a bunch of dirt over it before I lost my lunch until only a tiny till remained.

Funny, monkey guts look a lot like yogurt.

Anyhow, I tied the top of the sack, hauled it into the back of my Marvelous Queen, then climbed in myself, my cheeks sore from the grin on my face. I was gonna sneak over to my dear sis Niccy's place and drop the body in her trash can. Things were never very cordial between us--it's gotten much worse since we went our separate ways--so the way I saw it, not only would I never see Eek again, but Nic would probably get the finger if anyone found the sack in her can. The monkey would be on her back. I'd have finally out-weaseled her.

That, in my book, is a win-win situation!

Fooling around with women's not the only thing I like to do at night. After a long day, it's nice to unwind with your feet on the table, counting up all the Rings you earned--or in light of this particular day's events, saved--until you plum fall asleep right in your chair. Tons better than counting sheep, because sheep don't make that gorgeous jingly sound that Rings do.

I shouldn't have fallen asleep. If I hadn't, I would've been more prepared for the lukewarm splatter that crashed on top of the Rings in my dream...and my head. Before I knew it, I'd fallen on the floor with the damn chair upset next to me.

Mush rolled out of my hat between my ears and down the sides of my face. I reached up to scoop some of it with my finger. It was pink, smelly, with tiny strips of berries buried in it.

My blood ran ice-cold when I realized what this stuff was. I didn't even have to taste it; no way in Hell would I do that, anyhow.

Yogurt!?

"Eekee-Eekee-Eek-Eek-Eek!"

I stumbled back onto my feet. Every single Ring I'd laid on the table was gone...replaced by a dancing, big-eared ape in a yellow leotard.

Good night, either I was being haunted by the vengeful spirit of the monkey, or...no way!

"YOU?! How can...why are...but I...I shot you! Sacked you and stuffed your body in the trash!"

Eek leapt into the air to swing to and fro on my lamp, the room going from dark to light and dark again. She held my sack of Rings between her feet. "A lady saved Eek's life!" she howled. "Pip let the monkey out of the bag!"

Pip?

...Nic. That lousy, smart-alecky--

I was so caught up with shock and rage that I didn't even bother to reach for my gun; a fatal mistake on my part, ashamed as I am to admit. And believe me, it takes a hell of a lot to put me to shame. What I did instead was leap at my sack of Rings, only to have it sail over my head, barely missing the top of my hat, before she made a break for the window. The sack was tied up in her tail, now.

For a moment, Eek bared her teeth; whether it was in spite or levity, I couldn't tell. You can never tell with monkeys.

"You owe Eek a cup of yop," was the last thing she said before hopping off the sill. A shattered plastic cup tumbled in my direction and landed at my feet. A small hole puntured on either side of the cup, where I suppose my bullet had gone, after all.

Rrrrr, that stupid, stubborn little--

The blood boiling in my veins like a sweltering summer day, I whipped out my Magnum and jumped out the window after her into the night. I should be able to chase my monkey in my Marvelous Queen, if I really push the pedal to the metal.

Even if I don't catch her tonight--not to say that I can't--I'm still gonna pop her...one of these days!

END (?)