|Before Her Last Breath
Author: PerfectlyPersuasive PM
When they move back to Forks, Edward decides to follow in Carlise's footsteps and become a doctor. As he becomes more and more frustrated with his monotonous life, Bella is admitted with a serious illness. Will he be able to resist? AU/EPOVRated: Fiction M - English - Romance/Angst - Edward & Bella - Chapters: 25 - Words: 86,601 - Reviews: 1,439 - Favs: 928 - Follows: 592 - Updated: 09-25-09 - Published: 05-06-09 - Status: Complete - id: 5044318
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Edward decides to follow Carlisle's footsteps and become a doctor when they move back to Forks. As he becomes more and more frustrated with his monotonous life, Bella is admitted with a serious illness. His life and heart will never be the same.
Basically, I was bored with high school.
That is what fueled my decision this time around. Instead of pretending to be a teenager, I am pretending to be an Intern under Carlisle at the hospital.
I had already been to medical school twice before, so this is pretty boring as well. It is nothing new, but nothing ever is.
At least, it is better than Geometry.
So, I donned a white coat instead of a backpack, and took on my role as human Dr. Edward Cullen.
And, although I ame on a different path this time, everything is the absolute same.
My life is a perpetual cycle of avoidance, monotony and denial.
I do have simple joys in my life: the thrill of the kill, running, my Volvo and music. For the most part, though, I simply exist.
I believe that I gave up my right to live when I ceased to live. It is as simple and as complicated as that. I cannot stop existing…well, unless a vampire rips me apart and burns the pieces, and as much fun as that sound, I think I'll pass. But, what is living without a heartbeat, without a soul? There is no love, white wedding, children, grandchildren or pearly gates in my future. As nice as that all sounds, it is not going to happen for me.
If you want to see my future, look to my present or past. It will ALL be the same. Well, accept for the time when I was killing humans. That was a little off-script.
I know I have my family, and sure, I love them as much as I think I can. I appreciate them, of that I am certain, but I never had what they have together.
Carlisle and Esme. Jasper and Alice. Emmett and Rosalie.
Mates. Spouses. True Love. Your Better Half. The Ball & Chain. Husband & Wife.
Whatever name it goes by, it is still a mystery to me.
Of course, I understand the thoughts and ideas behind love. I have been hearing the thoughts of the smugly in love for at least eighty years, as much as I would have preferred to not.
It is the cause of love, the spark, of which I am clueless. My ability to love and accept love switch must have not been flipped off, or maybe my circuit breaker is broken. I suppose, it doesn't matter.
I have always tried to be content in myself, complaining is a waste of time. Besides, to whom would I complain?
Alice, my pixie sister who I am closest to in the family, would only search my future and come up depressed at what it holds for me…nothing. Alice can see the future, conditionally of course, but I will not have her waste her visions on me. God, it would only bore her.
Jasper, Alice's husband who can sense and manipulate emotions, would make me feel better, but that would be fleeting. After he stopped, I would feel worse than before. You always know just how crappy you actually feel when Jasper makes you feel elation and joy. The crash back down to depression and gloom pretty is not something I would recommend.
Emmett, the burliest vampire I have ever met, would just tell me to stop acting like a girl. Then, as always, his thoughts would drift to Rosalie and their previous escapades, and I already see enough of that as it is. Or, he might challenge me to a wrestling match to help, and I quote, "find my balls." He is quite eloquent when he wants to be.
Speaking of Rosalie, which is something I try to avoid, she would just be indifferent to me as always. She has such a vapid, vain existence; I would be surprised if she even noticed other people had thoughts and feelings. No, that is speaking to highly of her, I would be surprised if she noticed the the speed of which light reflects unless it was her skin the light was hitting.
Esme would take my loneliness onto herself. She already does that. She is always thinking of ways to make me less lonely. Her last plan had me sewing new pillows for the sofa with her, and Emmett and Jasper have still not let me forget about that. So, no, I will not be asking Esme for help.
Carlisle would be the best to talk to; he understands being alone. I already know where his thoughts would slip. I cannot stand to hear him thinking that maybe I was too young to be changed, being only seventeen. Physically mature, yet emotionally stunted. Not only I am alone, but I am an alone child. Fun.
That always makes me feel worse because I never did have a chance to experience the pleasures of the opposite sex while I was alive. I longed of fighting in the Great War, not the shape of the female form. I always assumed that I would have time later to marry, have relations and have a family. What young man would presume his time would run out so quickly?
Yet, now, all I have is time.
So, that leads me to my current situation.
Lately, it seems, I have been dwelling on the fact that I do not have a mate. This was a fleeting thought, but it has been becoming more prevalent as the years have passed.
It's not that I never believed having someone would be nice; I had just come to terms that it was not my lot in life. I do not deserve it.
Monsters do not deserve love.
My family, the Cullen's, moved to Forks, or back to Forks, about two years ago. We move about every five years, or before the humans become aware that we are not aging. We live our "vegetarian" lifestyle by hunting animals, and we try to blend as best we can with society. We never really assimilate completely though because as dumb as humans are, they know subconsciously to keep their distance from us. So, in turn, we keep to ourselves.
That does not stop people from thinking about us, and it is my curse to hear every inane thought around me. Human teenage girls are the worst. I think they might single handily bring about the decline of civilization. The thoughts of teenage girls, I am not going to lie, was probably the deciding factor of foregoing high school this time around.
I felt the same moving here, though, as I always did when we move to a new place.
I walked my rounds, and the job was nothing unusual.
I hunted, and I felt nothing new.
I played my piano, and the songs were no different.
I am not sure when the longing hit me, and I cannot pinpoint the moment my wants and needs changed. I just know they have.
I feel as though I am waiting for something or someone.
And, at this point, I wish I could go back to nothing because the anticipation of this unknown need is starting to irritate me!
I can barely stand my family, let alone the humans for whom I am supposed to be compassionate and caring.
Everyone has the same thoughts. Everyone is selfish and turning their prayers to God in the end, even though they had not done so in years. Every thought is tinged with remorse or regret. No one cherishes the life they had, the opportunity to grow old, and die a natural death.
In the end of their lives, instead of being grateful for all the beautiful things they had, they are regretful of the things they never did or the time they will miss. When did being satisfied and thankful for all the blessings you have become a moot point?
Humans do not know remorse, and they sure as hell don't know pain!
Yet, each one thinks that no one has ever been though half of what they have had to endure. What imbeciles!
Do they have to endure listening to the thoughts and silent screams of your victim as you drain their life force from their body?
Do they have to deny their natural instincts and desires just so they won't be a murderer?
Do they have to constantly control every movement, word and action to not raise suspicion?
Do they ever have to exist day to day, knowing that they are a monster and being sickened by their very own existence?
They don't know anything about real suffering. Humans infuriate me.
I feel a growl deep in my chest, and I do nothing to stop it from escaping.
I turn my head to the whisper of my name, too soft for the ears of the humans in the hospital hallway, and look at Carlisle, my father, companion, and sire.
"You are scaring the nurses. Relax your face," Carlisle commands.
In less than a second, my face has returned to the blank boredom it normally conveys.
Now, in a voice that everyone can hear, Carlisle speaks to me again, "Dr. Cullen, could I please see you in my office."
"Yes sir," I reply tersely.
As I follow him down the hall, I can hear the thought of the nurses and their heart beats as they return to normal. I was so lost in my own head that I did not even hear the terrified thoughts of the nurses and patients around me. I can see my face, lost in anger and disgust of humanity and myself, in the thoughts of one of the nurses, and it was a terrifying one indeed. They are smart to have been afraid.
As their fear subsides, their normal attitudes and thoughts come back.
A few of the nurses wonder what is wrong with me, and are comparing my distant and cold attitude to the kindness and compassion of Carlisle.
I don't need my ability to know who the favorite Cullen is at Forks General.
Two of the, are staring at our backsides as we walk away. Ugh, they are almost as bad as teenage girls. I suppose women are just teenage girls with full time jobs. They should be embarrassed by their vulgar thoughts.
Nurse Smith, whose mind is always extremely loud and obnoxious, is happy that I am about to be in trouble for my lack of professionalism. Not to mention, my horrible bedside manner.
I glance back at her, the most annoying nurse out of them all, and scowl.
She averts her stare to the floor and quickly walks away.
That's right; you need to know with whom you are dealing.
When I turn into Carlisle's office, he slams the door quietly, and turns toward me with a look of shame mingled with defeat.
Before I have time to even wonder why he feels defeated, his face is shrouded in pity…my least favorite emotion, unless I am feeling it for myself.
"Edward," he starts calmly, "what is going on with you?"
"I lost myself in my thoughts," I mumble.
I may not have Jasper's abilities, but I can feel his disappointment. His thoughts direct that emotion not at me, like it should be, but at himself for not being able to help me. God, what an ass I am. When I am being an asshole, my ability really makes me feel like such an asshole.
"Not just today, but for the last few months as well, you have been miserable," he pauses. "I know you are not the happiest-go-lucky fellow, but I have never seen you this depressed. Jasper can barely stand to be in the same room as you anymore. It has become too much for him."
Of course, I know this already. Jasper and Alice, both, have been silently pleading with me to at least open up to someone. Again, though, who?
I can feel his eyes on me, his mind silently pleading with me to finally voice my feelings. I turn to stare out the window, and I take a deep, unneeded, breath.
"I just have been feeling alone, more alone than usual," I rush the words, speaking in the softest whisper. I know he can hear me.
"Edward, I know it is not the same as having a mate, but you are not alone," he speaks just as lightly, his tone comforting and reassuring. I just don't think I can be comforted or reassured, and I don't want to be lied to. The truth always hurts the worst.
Carlisle places his hand on my shoulder, gently squeezing, letting me know that someone is here.
I turn to look at him. He pats my shoulder to encourage me, his thoughts kind.
I take another breath to ready myself for the vulnerability I am about to show. As a man, and especially as a male vampire, I do not enjoy being put in a place of weakness.
When I finally decide to just let out all my frustration and loneliness, Carlisle's beeper goes off.
Carlisle, as strange as it is, is the hospitals leading Hematologist.
A vampire who specializes in blood and blood disorders, Carlisle has the most restraint and self control I have ever seen. He claims that he has desensitized himself to the smell of blood and that now his keen sense of smell helps him catch things before others.
I can control myself around humans, but to work with blood, it would be too much. I would lose myself to the blood lust.
I am working this time to specialize in Radiology. This way I have limited contact with humans, and my vampiric eyesight comes in handy when reading the X-Rays.
This also means I have to listen to the insipid thoughts of Sally, Forks General's X-Ray Technician. She really enjoys imagining things involving my mouth and her body. She is as bad as a teenage girl, if not worse.
If she knew what I could do with my mouth, she wouldn't want it anywhere near her. She is lucky that she disgusts me. She smells horrible, cheap perfume doused over her body, so much so, I almost cannot make out her natural scent. Then, she has these ridiculous breast implants. I can hear the silicone move against her body. Just thinking of it makes me cringe.
Carlisle pats me on my back once more, bringing me out of my thoughts.
"Later. Edward, we will finish this conversation, alright?"
I nod, and he turns to leave. I hear him pause, turning to look back at me. I lift my eyes from the stain in the carpet.
"Try not to keep so much inside all the time Edward. It is okay to be frustrated."
I nod once more, and he walks out the door.
I continue with my day, and, like always, nothing new happens.
Umm...so, I have been immersed in this world/addiction for a while now, and I have decided to have a story of my own. Let me know what you think!